Grey’s Anatomy: They’re Baaaack

In last week’s episode, Cristina hooked a big fish and while posing for a photo with the catch of the day, she cried. Maybe, it was the stench. On the other hand, it should’ve been a very familiar scent. We’ve seen her and every other employee at Seattle Grace spread eagle in the residents sleeping room. But we’ve never seen anyone change the sheets or pick up a can of Febreeze.

This week, Meredith is clocking Derek—and hard—wanting nothing less than the “whole story” about what he and Cristina talked about during their six-hour fishing trip. Mer accuses him of stealing her best friend, but her dark, twisty side really wants to ask “did you tap that?”

Mer’s mad, she’s ovulating and too upset to even look at Derek. “Well, then roll over,” he barks. I’ve heard babies conceived during intense moments of jealousy, bitterness and pure disgust always have the sunniest dispositions. Take for example, Mel Gibson.

I’ll rip up that post-it, drag you to the justice of the peace, divorce you and then take half. Say something else.

Torres’ former booty call, Mark, is in bed with his ex, Lexi. Right next door (or somewhere too close), Torres’ ex, Arizona, is patiently sitting on the floor sipping coffee waiting for Torres to come out. Who doesn’t love being ambushed in the hallway with heart wrenching conversations while on the way to work?

Torres doesn’t. She tells Arizona “please, go back to Malawi.” Torres seemed to develop an extra smidgen of hate for Arizona after learning that she didn’t camp outside her door all night like a pimply faced, lovesick teenager. Arizona pressed the pause button on her begging, went to a hotel—most likely five-star—showered, and then probably sat down to a continental breakfast. Now, she’s returned. Nothing says I’m sorry like “to hell with you, I gotta go do me for a minute, be right back.”

I’ve had penis recently. I think I’m over you.

Meanwhile, Teddy has Owen meet her at the courthouse. She needs a witness for her fake marriage to an uninsured patient. If I had a face like the famous horse Mr. Ed I might do anything to get a husband too. With time on her hands and a sudden interest in exploring Seattle, Owen’s crazier half also known as Cristina, is asking a stranger for directions when she sees several ambulances rush down the street. Like a dog or a lawyer who graduated from the University of Phoenix, she chases the ambulances down.

A gunman has opened fire at a nearby college. The wounded faculty and students are taken to Seattle Grace. It’s only been six months since the shooting at the hospital so Chief Webber must lay down the law, “Do our work first and you’re going to have your feelings later.” When the doors of one ambulance fly open, we see Cristina with her arm elbow-deep in a chest she just cracked open. I see a hint of glee in her eyes. She reminds me of Stuart from MADtv. “Look what I can do.”

Arizona’s eyes, on the other hand, are filled with the pain of rejection. She’s like a man at a fertility clinic; everyone’s telling her to beat it. First, Torres and now Chief Webber who has given her job to the pug-faced Dr. Stark. Without any real explanation, Arizona is suddenly sitting in an observation room watching Stark operate. He’s going to amputate a 15-year old boy’s leg. Stark says he’s more concerned with saving the boy’s life. It’s more likely the asshole is trying to save time. He has an afternoon colonics appointment and he’s way overdue.

After Alex begs her to do something, Arizona argues with Stark about maiming his poor young patient. Then she orders Alex to body block him and runs out of the observation room. Stark is secretly aroused by the idea, but pretends to be pissed off.

I like where this is going, Alex. Here use this to spice things up a bit.

The police sergeant on the scene for both the hospital shooting months ago and, now, the school massacre, is talking to Chief Webber. He needs to get an ID of the shooter from one of his officers who is sedated with pain meds. As Chief Webber prepares to give the wounded officer the wakening of a lifetime, Arizona bursts into the room to rat out “Dr. Incompetent.” Since the hospital is in an all-hands-on-deck mode and because Arizona keeps coming back like a bed bug infestation, the Chief grants her operating privileges. Of course, Arizona needs Torres’ help.

Back in Dr. Incompetent’s O.R., Alex continues to block Stark until Torres arrives. Just when Dr. Incompetent’s amazement at the level of fuckery that goes on at Seattle Grace reaches an all-time high, Arizona bursts in and says she’ll be assisting her lady love.

In Derek’s O.R., Mer wants to step out and give the patient’s wife an update. Derek reminds her that she’s a surgeon not a social worker. Yes, there’s a patient open on the table, but that’s not the “WHOLE STORY”, Mer says. I don’t want to hear Mer mention the “whole story” anymore than I want to hear 41-year-old Mariah Carey talk about butterflies and glitter. Move on.

I’m a teenager trapped in an adult body. See that makes my husband the child predator, not me.

There’s still a classroom full of victims at the college, the other hospitals are filled to capacity and Seattle Grace has no available O.R.’s. The fearless Owen shares his insightful observation. “We’re screwed.” I’d rather watch The Situation’s hairline recede than listen to Owen talk about anything, ever.

After, Faz the shot cop talks to the police sergeant, we find out that the person responsible for the school massacre is the patient Cristina saved and is now operating on. What a comeback, Yang. Avery spits on the Hippocratic oath when he walks out of the O.R., refusing to help the surgical team save the gunman’s life. This loser, and the gunman too, were probably the last kids picked for a kickball team at recess. Even a bunch of 10-year olds could see they weren’t going to be team players.

In the O.R. formerly known as Dr. Incompetent’s, Arizona begins begging again. Torres stops Arizona from manipulating her. “No, you will not hold me hostage and make me listen to you.” Forget the patient, the precious minutes of my life are slipping away. Next scene, please.

The most irrelevant character on the show, the Virgin April, tries to help organize the trauma room, which has been temporarily turned into a multi-surgery O.R. Meanwhile, Owen checks on Cristina to make sure she hasn’t relapsed and isn’t lying under a table in the O.R. again. Kudos to her, she lasted longer than Al Sharpton’s perm. Cristina strapped on the balls Avery obviously left behind and did her damn job.

Meanwhile, Mer keeps deviating from hers and Derek is getting fed up. When she tries to give the patient’s wife another update, Derek snaps. Mer questions why he and Cristina are the only stars in this “I’ve got post-traumatic pain and issues” melodrama.

I will set if off in this O.R.

In a non-sexual “who’s your daddy?” moment, Derek warns, “You don’t get to act like a spoiled little brat in my O.R.” After throwing a few daggers Cristina’s way, Mer reminds Derek that during the hospital shooting, she was the wife in the waiting room. She explains how it was so upsetting that she walked into the O.R. and offered to eat a bullet for him. Hopefully, now Derek will see that Mer needs quality face-to-face time. That’s a wee bit different from roll-it-over and poke-it-out time.

We then see Mer in the waiting room giving the gory details to the wife who’s not so sure what Mer is talking about. In comes the police sergeant who fleshes out the shooter’s mom and takes her into a private room. Like the clueless breeders of most juvie offenders, she cries out “my son didn’t do this.” In the back of her mind, she’s thinking Supernanny, Dr. Phil and Oprah can bite it. I should’ve strung his butt up like a cheap throw rug and whipped the shit out of him a long time ago.

While juggling the insides of another wounded patient, a screwed up Alex has to explain to a bewildered Avery how no one in their right minds commits an act like this. It’s painfully clear now that Avery is another kid born into brilliance but living in stupidity.

My backbone is connected to my chest bone; my chest bone is connected to my shoulder bone. I love this song.

I would take the time to mention how Mark has been coddling Lexie since the first mention of the day’s disaster, but who cares?

Bailey breaks bad with God when her patient begins coding. “You bastard, you better send this boy back right now,” she threatens. When God seemingly listens, she offers up a half-ass apology. A bolt of lightening with her name on it will be roaring out of the sky any minute now.

Hell’s where all the fun people are going anyway.

Mer pulls the family and friends of the wounded from the waiting room to see a candlelight vigil being held outside of the hospital. They weep. I pray for a commercial.

When it’s time to man-up, Avery tosses aside his tidy whiteys and puts on his big boy boxers. He finds himself standing in front of the shooter’s mom who questions if she’s a terrible person because she wants to know if her son is alive. Avery kindly explains her homicidal son’s injuries and status. The shot cop has pulled through too. The police sergeant and Chief Webber vow to stop meeting like this. Someone CC: the show’s writers on that memo. No more shooting episodes, please.

Arizona resumes groveling. I’ll spend the rest of my life telling you I love you. I’ll apologize every day. I’ll overlook the fact that your new hair cut makes you look like George Lopez—circa 2002. When she tells Torres how she came across the world to be with her, Torres reminds Arizona it’s because she left in the first place. Before walking away Torres says, “You came back today, but I didn’t.”

The more my hair grows, the smaller my head looks.

Derek appears to have a new appreciation for Mer. He now thinks she’s amazing. There’s some full-on frontal in the near future for you, girl. Derek also lets her know that his fishing trip really helped Cristina because she’s in the O.R. slicing and dicing like an Iron Chef.

With Cristina’s help, Teddy saves the shooter. After months of serving up drinks, lap dances and bad haircuts, Cristina is still vicious with a scalpel. Wow, I can’t remember how to spell my name correctly if I don’t write it for a week.

All of Seattle Grace’s favorites are gathered in the observation room watching Teddy and Cristina finish up. The hospital treated 26 victims and there were no casualties. The news brings them all to tears, and eventually, fits of laughter, which Dr. Incompetent can’t comprehend. “I hate this place,” he declares and walks out. When Chief Webber says he’ll hire Arizona back to work under Stark, the gang laughs even harder. The low sinister laugh belongs to Torres.

Who writes this shit?

Someone did care about all that TLC Mark was giving Lexie. She did. And she confirmed it with an unexpected “I love you.” Will Teddy be the next one in love? The charity case she married is funny, nice and handsome. But he’s no Owen. If  red-headed, pale and tortured is Teddy’s thing, maybe the casting director should give Lindsay Lohan call. She’s definitely in need of work.

Later, Mer and Cristina meet in the hallway and decide to have a drink. As they walk off together, Mer tells Cristina she’s giving up real alcohol because she’s trying to have a baby and doesn’t want it to have three heads and 16 toes. Full of loving concern, Cristina suggests an alternative. “You wanna get some crack cocaine,” she asks. And I thought I was a bad Godmother because I forget the occasional birthday.