Grey’s Anatomy: The Va-Jay-Jay is worth 1,000 Analogies

This week on Grey’s Anatomy, they did something that that truly shocked and repulsed me. I have struggled as a faithful viewer through some difficult episodes of Grey’s, but this week they might have gone too far. They did something that has turned me off of many a show in the past, something that has made me change the channel never to return. Even typing it sends shivers down my spine. Tonight Grey’s….you really tested my stomach threshold. Tonight, Grey’s showed doctor stuff.

Wait, we’re supposed to be Doctors? We begin the episode with Izzie tip-toeing through the frat house and eavesdropping at the door of McD/McSkeletor’s room. When she hears no sound of life, she quietly knocks on the door only to be greeted by McD doing his best d*ck in the box impression and a smile. Izzie gets into a long monologue about how she needs $20 because Karev owes her money but since he’s a massive prick he won’t pay her. McD plays the bad ass card and yells “Karev give me $20″ and Karev immediately obliges. Izzie, thoroughly impressed by her new roommate, invites McD to share a pizza with her. And by pizza, she means doing the dirty. Kidding! But seriously, how long until these two bang?

Step 1: Cut a hole in a box Step 2: Put your junk in that box

Across town it’s moving day for Yang and Torres who are assisted by their most masculine friends, Hahn and Meredith. Hahn, not ready to take the lipstick lesbian stereotype, asks Torres out on a date. It’s sweet, but they have as much chemistry as the time we watched George and Izzie do it. After Torres accepts, she makes a face that reminds me of the face Hoopz made when she won Flavor of Love.

OMG, now I’m expected to have sex with you?

Meredith arrives home to find McD is still naked, and waiting for her in bed. Meredith, unable to recognize a good thing when she’s got it, ignores him and asks about a diary on the nightstand. She notices a beat up, leather faced object over her naked boyfriend? She really is a narcissist. When she muses over how sweet it is that McD has a diary, he corrects her and says its her mom’s, not his. Because nothing turns a girl on more than talking about her verbally abusive dead mother. McD assures Mer he didn’t read it, but thought it might make nice candlelight reading for her later. Meredith, realizing she has nothing else to pout about this episode, gets furious and stalks out. Now she’ll never know what the surprise in the box is.

Back at the hospital, Meredith is–what else– complaining to Yang about McD’s huge breach of trust by pulling out the diary. Seriously, how she doesn’t smack a bitch up is beyond me. The Chief, still PMSing from that whole #12 thing, continues to bitch at all the Doctors about abiding by the new rules. Apparently, the Doctors no likey change and are whining about not getting their way. Although I’m kind of whining about change too, Grey’s used to be awesome…now it’s not, thus, that change is making me whine. So pot, I’m kettle and we’re both black.

In our favorite unrequited love triangle, Lexie is assuring George that he will get his scores today and wants to be the first to bang him–I mean, buy him a beer, when he passes. Lexie’s also prepared to sacrifice all self-dignity and pride in hopes of banging the hospital doormat.

Meanwhile, everyone gets their assignments for the day. Grey is with Hahn, Alex and Izzie are together in the pit and Yang is in the clinic. A place that unless her and Burke were slumming for hospital sex, she’s never been too.

The token bromance scene takes place between the McMen as they discuss, what else, Meredith and Derek’s troubled relationship. I don’t really fault Sloan for sleeping with McD’s wife. If I had to listen to him complain everyday, I’d take drastic measures to get him to leave me alone too. Derek says he is fully prepared for Meredith to have him back in the trailer within the week. He then re-programs Rose’s number into his phone.

Dude, remember when I banged your wife and this show was good?

Alex, in his quest to make me hate him, blows off work and leaves Izzie to cover for him. Like in high school when a hot guy would be partnered with a girl and make her do all the work, and she would, because he was hot and she has low self-esteem. But the girl succeeds in life! Do you hear me, Matt Muller! YOU ONLY HURT YOURSELF! Anyways, Izzie does it, because she is a doormat too. Hmm, her and George are both doormats. No wonder when they had sex they both just lied there.

Izzie’s first patient has had a remote lobbed at his head from his loving wife, a woman who would make any man support divorce. She justifies throwing it at him because he is a lazy slob who sleeps through life, and he was trying to make her watch The Pickup Artist on VH1. The woman vows divorce and storms out. The man’s mouth twitches, which I thought was a smile because the wicked with was dead, but Izzie determines she has found some major neuro-issue. Apparently she has been watching House re-runs on USA to connect those dots. When she leaves to set up a c-scan, Alex swoops in and steals the patient, since now he is interesting. When Alex performs the stolen c-scan, he finds a baseball size tumor in the guys head and is awarded the surgery from his find.

Grey, Hahn and O’Mally meet Duncan, their child patient, as he runs through the hospital in his gown screaming he won’t have surgery. To be honest, I never catch what the surgery is, just that it is complex and the kid is terrifies. When cornered, he pulls the fire alarm. Remind me again why the Chief is so irritated? This hospital is like the circus, and who doesn’t LOVE the circus?

Hahn takes the child’s disobedience pretty well asking if Meredith will be that incompetent the entire day. It’s kind of nice that on the same day Meredith finds her mother’s beat up diary, a woman surgeon takes up severe verbal assault against Meredith. It’s like reincarnation!

Apparently the kid, isn’t a total punk, he’s just terrified of needles. Aww Dunk, I feel ya on that one. George then proceeds to do something that would literally scar me for life. He drew blood from his own arm to show the kid how easy and not scary it is. Please insert my complete WTF face into your mind. I’ll believe some outlandish things, but the thought that watching someone draw their own blood wouldn’t scare the bejesus out of them is beyond crap. That’d be like beating someone up to prove how not scary it is to get you ass kicked.

Now, if Dr. Grey will take off her clothes, we will teach you about reproduction.

Torres, fed up with Sloan touching himself whenever she discusses her budding romance with Hahn, decides to confide in Dr. Bailey. She admits her pure terror into delving into this unforeseen world of bush diving. Torres talks incessantly for about 30 seconds and Bailey makes a face that can only be described by seeing it:

Seriously, W…T…F?

We are treated to a moment of bitching. Everyone is bitching. Everyone is unhappy. Everyone is miserable. Funny, I feel the same way as a viewer. We watch this through the eyes of Yang who is searching for the dermatology ward. She enters into the Dermatology ward, or as I like to call it, the Anti-Grey’s Anatomy ward. In this magical place, the doctors are competent, the people are pleasant and nobody kills patients. Yang is offered water with raspberries by the dermatology resident while she waits. The resident appears happy, pleasant and doesn’t look like she hasn’t slept in 10 days. Apparently free Botox is another perk of this department.

Did I just step on the set of Scrubs?

Back in hell, the Mc brothers prepare to remove the tumor and Sloan asks Derrick which one of his roommates will be assisting on the surgery. The roommate comment hits a nerve as Izzie barges in complaining about her stolen surgery, like a small child who’s toy was taken. McD pretty much releases Meredith-induced rage on Izzie reminding her that despite seeing him naked with a pillow this morning, he is still her superior at work, not her roommate.

After he storms out, Sloan tells Izzie that Seattle Grace is the wild wild west, and you’ve got to be a cowboy to get surgery. Not a saddle that gets ridden by all the cowboys…and George.

Back in Anti-Grey’s ward, Yang sits in bliss and pages Meredith to join her in the euphoric derm ward. Meredith comes in, terrified, because she lied to Hahn about her experience and now is going to do a surgery she can’t perform…ON A CHILD, oh and she is still bitching about the diary-gate ’08. Yang, un-flustered in euphoria, teaches Grey how to perform the surgery on a grape. Because a grape is just like a person. See Duncan, NOTHING to be scared of about surgery!

Once again, Meredith manages to bring everything back to her by commenting that the residents here are probably only happy because they don’t have boyfriends who get their mom’s diaries out. Yes Meredith, because that is the main difference between you and the nice girls in derm.

So…can we talk about me now?

Bailey, never one to miss out on a moment of advisement, has collected herself from shock and re-approaches Torres. She starts out her speech by prefacing how complex the va-jay jay is. I love any opportunity to use funny words for genitalia, so I already heart this speech.

Bailey tells Torres how she has always wanted to travel to Africa, a whole new world, the motherland. But she knows, in traveling to the motherland, she needs to be prepared. She needs to know what to expect, have all the necessary shots and be able to find the “embassy.” This hilarious analogy is lost on Torres–she should’ve gone the “boxed lunch at the Y” route. Bailey continues, saying she needs to be prepared, because what if she doesn’t like the cuisine…Oh Bailey, gross and lol. Upon realizing that she might not have the stomach for this new adventure, Torres panics even more. Bailey ends the conversation by saying in Ethiopia everyone eats spongy sour bread, which isn’t for everyone. And the analogy officially went too far. At least there were no tuna references.

Umm, I don’t really like foreign food.

Back in Euphoria, where nobody is comparing the va jay jay to African cuisine, all of our favorite residents have joined Yang and are reflecting how much easier their life would be if they stayed in derm. Seriously, why are you guys #12 again? George, remembering he has balls, forces them to leave the happiness of Derm.

Izzie, ready to be the bad ass of the cowboy saloon, re-approaches the guy with the tumor. She charms him so much that he demands her to perform his surgery. Oh, and she told him that Alex, the Doctor about to crack his skull open, is slightly unstable.

Alex confronts Izzie about the sneaky play and she pretty much redeems herself for the past few seasons by saying that even though she saw him crying like a little bitch about his crazy ex-girlfriend, she isn’t going to play doormat to Alex anymore so he can wipe his own snot, tie his own shoes and get his own damn surgeries.

The only way this speech would have been better is if she said, “You are high off your ass if you think you’re coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there’s a crazy dude snatching up babies, ok? So don’t even try to come into that room, that’s my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that’s your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back…the…f*ck…off.”
-Knocked Up

In a more G-rated part of the hospital, George has decided that the best way to get this kid un-scared of surgery is to let him see it. Memo to George: NEVER have children. What universe is he on? Anyways, George gets the kid in scrubs and assures him that he will be in the hands of the best in the world (tell that to hospitals #1-#11) and that there is nothing scary about the OR (tell that to the guy who got a stomachful of ceiling last week).

You’re 12? We’re 12!!

He opens the door to the surgery, and I literally throw up a little. They have accidentally stumbled into tumor guy’s room where Sloan, McD and Izzie are cutting his face off, literally, and they showed it! McD casually asks George if he’s lost. You snapped like Andy Dick when Izzie complained about losing her surgery, yet when a child walks into the OR as you are cutting a man’s face off you’re Mr. Cool?

For Halloween I’m either this guy or a sexy nurse

But the face rip-off appeases Duncan (future serial killer, anyone?) and he rolls into surgery excited. During his procedure, Hahn calls Grey out on not having any experience with this surgery and knows that Yang taught her. She also casually mentions that if Grey ever lies again about her experience she’ll cut her heart out with a steak knife. Somewhere in the hospital Torres rips up her letter that reads, “Dear Erica, I have experience with va jay jay.”

As they day wraps up, we learn that George passed his intern exam and is now officially a Doctor! Huzzah! Lexie is ready to celebrate and by celebrate she means getting George drunk and taking advantage of him. But George is ready to go celebrate with his real friends and leaves Lexie behind. Waaa waaa waaah. Well, of course, she is merely an intern. He is above that.

At Joe’s bar, McD strolls in and buys Izzie and Alex a drink and threatens that if they ever act like brats again he’ll get them thrown out of the program. Across town, Torres shows up looking sassy for her romantic date. She expresses fear of traveling south of the Mason Dixon line and demands a safe word. May I suggest “penis”? Wow, for someone new at this, she must have some freaky shit in mind to demand a safe word. Luckily, Hahn is also afraid of heading South of the Border (the traveling vagina analogies are endless!). They decide to keep their relationship on second base until they are ready for some Ethiopian spongy sour bread.

Mmm, you’ve got to try warm milk and apple pie, it’s delish.

Back at the frat house, Meredith promises that despite acting like a complete spoiled selfish brat all the time that she wants Derrick to stay put. Knowing she needs to make things as obnoxious and difficult as possible, Derrick offers her some private space. And we wrap with her and Yang beginning to read the diary in his trailer.

So…what do you think? I’m not going to lie, I have LOVED Grey’s from the beginning, but I am really struggling this season. Plus is anyone else disturber by the analogies of the woman’s anatomy? Sour bread? Really?

I’m really hoping it gets better, but right now something feels off…That’s What She Said.