Grey’s Anatomy: Old Dudes Rule

Welcome to a Brand Spankin’ New season of Grey’s Anatomy! OK…OK I know it’s not technically “brand spankin’ new,” we’re on the third episode, but I just took over the show, so humor me, will ya?

Are you as psyched for the new season as I am? I hope you are. After starting off the season with the Grey’s spinoff Private Practice, I was particularly psyched, because Grey’s is SO much better a show than PP. Grey’s has everything that PP seems to think that it has, but in fact does not have, namely: characters we actually care about, interesting medical cases, humor and some good acting and writing. (But other than that, PP is Awesome! Check it out, Wednesdays on ABC *wink*)

And on that note, let’s start the season, shall we?

In the first couple of episodes, we learned a few things that will be useful to know as we go forward on this season’s magical mystery tour through Shonda Rhimes’ I-pod play list. So, let me explain, no there is too much, let me sum up:

It turns out that lovable hangdog George did, indeed, decide to repeat his internship year. So he’s stuck on the JV team, while Meredith and the Mer-tones have become shinny new residents, complete with their own sets of interns to humiliate and degrade (I absolutely Love Christina referring to hers as numbers because she can’t be bothered to learn their names.).

In other news, Dr. Burke is gone, and we don’t really know much more about it than that. There will be no mention of he-who-will-not-be-named or his adventures in gay-hater rehab. On that note, Diahann Carroll has GOT to be pissed! She gets her first good role in years and h-w-w-n-b-n screws it up for her! Other than a brief stop over to scare the crap out of Christina and then clean out her apartment like O.J. with some armed accomplices…allegedly, I assume that we’ve seen the last of Burke’s mom for a long while.

Izzy and George are continuing in America’s favorite chemistry-less and completely implausible romance. And Meredith and Derek have decided to break up…er…I mean just cut out the whining and gratuitous drowning that has characterized their relationship and boil it down to the one thing they do decently well, gettin’ it on like bunnies anytime they lay eyes on each other. Lastly, Karev, dear, sweet touchy-feely Karev of last season, is now (mostly) gone, replaced by the pure a-hole Karev we once knew.

Alright, enough recapping, let’s get on with the recap!

This week, our tale begins in the place were all of the Real action occurs at Seattle Grace Hospital…that’s right, the elevator. Therein, Karev hears the gaggle of new interns fawning about how great George is at everything and how much more confident and steady he is than they. The newbies have no idea about George’s dirty little secret. Immediately you can see the wheels turning in Evil Karev’s head. He must stop Christmas from coming, but how?

Cut to the next elevator car, where we find Meredith and Derek standing next to each other and acting like composed and self-aware medical professionals… just kidding…they’re making googley-eyes at each other like they were just passed one of those “if you like me check this box” notes on the way to study hall.

I hope he checks the yes box!

Only this time, unlike the countless other times they’ve done that, Christina is in the elevator, too (cue ominous melodrama music). Within moments, she’s figured out that Mer and Der are bumping uglies again and keeping it on the down-low.

Since everything Has to be about Christina, she naturally takes Mer’s subterfuge as a personal insult, concluding that Mer didn’t share the news of her continuing trysts with Der because she thinks Christina is too fragile after the loss of Burke (which in this case actually happens to be true). Christina huffs off determined to have her revenge!

Holy Crap! Stop everything! Rory’s grandfather is now the newest intern at SGH. Man, things must have been a lot worse than he ever let on in the insurance biz if he had to switch careers at his age. I hope Emily isn’t being forced to work the corner next to Luke’s Diner to make ends meet. Actually, I hope that this foreshadows the arrival of new SGH doc Lauren Graham, the Real McDreamy!

Now This is Dreamy!

Ah… Lauren Graham… oh…sorry. I’m back now!

We return to find Christina’s revenge plan in the works. Step #1: put on a really obvious and transparent sad-sack act, pretending to be hit by the loss of Burke. Step #2: guilt Meredith into giving up all of her good surgeries to cheer up said sad-sack. As Christina says, “bloody surgeries make me feel better.”

Christina Sad. Fake Sad…But Still!

Mer-Mer is actually trying to care about others today, so she buys the act and soon her arthero-watchamacallit is in Christina’s hands. You shouldn’t mess with the Master, Meredith.

Now it’s time for rounds kids.

First up is a woman with cancer of the tongue. She thinks she’s in for a quick snip, but it turns out the docs’ plan is more of a going out of business sale: Everything Must Go!

And wouldn’t ya know it, this lady likes to talk more than Rachael Ray on a caffeine bender. When she hears the news, she’s less than pleased, but fear not. It just wouldn’t be Grey’s if our docs weren’t willing to dive into an experimental surgery at the drop of a hat.

Next, we have Karev and the World’s Oldest Intern (Grandpa Gilmore) in the clinic dealing with a kid whose mom has brought him in because she thinks he’s a junkie. Mom thinks Grandpa is the “real” doctor because he’s a senior citizen and Evil Karev’s heart shrinks another size.

Who Am I?

I recognize this kid from some other show, but I can’t, for the life of me, remember what. That’s gonna drive me nuts!

Finally, we get to the best case of the night. “Really Old Guy” as Izzy calls him. You remember him, don’t you, kids? He’s the coma patient whose room our beloved gang used to love to commandeer for eating, playing cards and general merrymaking. Well, he’s out of the comma and ready to kick some ass! Comma Guy II: This Time, It’s Personal!

He’s Back! And this Time, He’s Mad!

Well, not quite, but he is out of the comma and full of sarcastic wisdom! (That’s almost as intimidating, right?) He informs Izzy that his name is actually Charlie, although, “Really Old Guy is charming, in a neglected patient kind of way.” They should have called him “Really Old Sarcastic Badass.”

ROSB also informs everyone that he plans to die that day, but not before he calls them all out for the things heard them say while they used him as a card table.

ROSB tells Izzy that she is naive to think that George will leave his wife for her. What?? How can he say that? Hasn’t he seen the chemistry between them? Oh…wait…nevermind.

Down in the ambulance bay, Meredith and Lexi, the sister she loves to hate are there when a mostly dead guy shows up from a car crash. Meredith has Lexi practice intubation on the now all-dead guy and it almost feels like an episode of ER for a moment. Sometimes with all of the storeroom sex and googley-eyes you forget they’re supposed to be practicing medicine.

Lexi can’t believe that somebody died at the hospital and they didn’t close down so everyone could have a good cry. Are we Sure she’s Meredith’s sister and not Izzy’s?

Can I Cry Now?

Meanwhile, it turns out that junkie teen is not a junkie and when he starts spouting more gibberish than George W. at a press conference, we know the shit is about to hit the fan. Karev has to use a Really big needle to remove fluid from around his brain in the vomit-inducing scene of the night. And once again, I ask myself: why do I watch these medical shows? It must be masochism.

Behind door number two, our soon-to-be-mum chatterbox has some very deep and profound final words she wants to leave her friends with, just in case things go wrong and she can’t ever talk again. They play the dramatically-touching moment music and everything. But it turns out that she just wants to tell friend #1 that her pants make her ass look fat and to tell friend #2 that she has bad breath and that the 80′s called and they want their hairstyle back. Booyah! That’ll teach ‘em to be there for you in your hour of need.

Coming Next Fall, A New Grey’s Spinoff: The Adventures of Fat Ass and 80s Hair!

Back in his room, ROSB is really working on that promise to die today, but Izzy, being Izzy just won’t let him go. I think it’s because she’s already fallen in love with him and she wants his opinion on whether they should book the Swing Kings or The Fab Faux for the wedding reception.

Periodically, throughout the episode, Dr. Bailey goes into a small conference room to find new Chief Resident Callie O’Malley (Mrs. George) cowering while doing paperwork and this brings me to the development that I hate most about this new season. Since they gave Callie the Chief Resident title over Bailey, and since everyone loves Bailey, it seems clear that the writers are determined to make Callie less likeable as a character this season. And since it is obviously only a matter of time until they break up her and George, making her less appealing helps them there too.

After all, these writers hear the clamor of the literally tens of people who are demanding to see George and Izzy together!

I’m not bad, I’m just written that way.

Personally, I’ve always really liked Callie as a character and I like Sara Ramirez’s portrayal a lot. Callie’s personal life may have been a mess, but she was always shown as a strong and competent surgeon in the previous seasons. This season, they seem to be trying to make her out as very weak and kind of incompetent and I, for one don’t like it. OK, I’ll get off of my soapbox now and back to the mockery.

In the OR, the Chief and Sloan are halfway through a nerve graft on the tongue lady when they realize they have no idea what the hell they’re doing. If only they had someone on staff that could help, someone good with nerves, someone like…um…a world-class neurosurgeon. Oh yeah, they do! Just then, Derek flies in through the window, and cape still fluttering in the breeze, saves the day…or the tongue…so to speak.

At that same time, Izzy goes to ROSB’s room to profess her undying love only to find out that ROSB is not so much undying as he is…dead. When that guy puts his mind to something, he gets the job done! That’s the Greatest Generation for you, punks!

Sorry Izzy, you’ll have to marry the next one.

After a lecture from Bailey, Meredith decides to have a big bonding moment with Lexi and celebrate the moments of their lives, while reading over reports about how Meredith and company managed to turn the hiccups into a death sentence for Lexi’s mom. Despite the fact that Meredith tells Lexi her mom’s death was a one-in-a-zillion shot, Lexi seems pleased. I guess it really doesn’t matter what you say to the little ones, as long as you speak in soothing tones.

It doesn’t matter what I say, so long as it’s this gentle way. This way…this way…

On her way to find Lexi, Meredith also stops off to bust Christina for her surgery stealing scam. She sweetly (and sarcastically) offers to go home with Christina and talk and cry it out all night, about Burke, since Christina is So sad. Christina, of course, cracks and the fake sadness gambit is over. And she would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

(Sorry, I just thought I’d make it a Scooby-Doo ending.)

Izzy then attempts to visit one last indignity upon the memory of ROSB. She convenes the gang for one of those cheesy TV eulogies, like they would give for a dead gold fish on a very special episode of Full House. It’s the kind where no one knows anything appropriate to say, so they say things like, “He didn’t snore too loudly.”

We gather here to trivialize the dead.

But Izzy manages to keep her Up With People membership card, by telling us that she learned from ROSB that if you want something badly enough and you are determined and patient enough, it will eventually happen. She looks over wistfully at George and we are all supposed to realize that she’s talking about the two of them. Deep.

With that, we come full circle kids and it all ends where it began: the elevator and the dastardly plan of Evil Karev. As the gaggle of interns gathers again to fawn over George’s latest exploits, this time with George actually present to receive their adoration, Karev brings George’s façade all crashing down with three words: “He’s a Repeater.” And somewhere far away, all the Whos down in Whoville weep.

Muaaahhahahaha

“Well, that’s it,” I can hear you say. Surely DLM, surely, there can’t be any more stuff in this episode. I thought so too! (And don’t call me Shirley.) But then, George walked into a room and said to Callie, “I slept with Izzy.” And then Boom. Lost.

See you next week, kids.