Recap: Grey’s Anatomy: Chemistry Lesson

Welcome back kids. It’s great to be with you again. Today’s lesson on Grey’s Anatomy is about chemistry, as Meredith tells us in voiceover. Mer reminds us that, as med students, she and the Mer-tones studied Lots of chemistry and boy do they know their chem. And in a Clear example of what chemistry is NOT, we open upon the scene of George and Izzy in post-coital bliss. Well, not so much bliss as clear frustration and disdain. Could it be that Izzy and George have finally figured out what so many of us knew all along; namely that she and George have about as much chemistry as K-fed and a bar of soap? Join me after the jump and let’s find out, shall we?

Meredith’s voiceover concludes with the admonition that in “human chemistry, you either have it or you don’t.” Apparently the Grey’s writers are actually starting to listen to their own writing, because they’ve decided to acknowledge that Izzy and George fall into the Don’t category and actually write it into the story line. One must give them credit for honesty, I suppose, if nothing else.

One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong.

What we’re supposed to believe, is that those two crazy kids are just so nervous after all of the build-up and the waiting to be together that they can’t manage to get the chemistry going. Yeah, nervous, that’s the ticket! It has nothing to do with the fact that she looks like a supermodel and he looks like a teenage boy just getting to see “boobies” for the first time, nothing at all.

From the train wreck that is George and Izzy, we cut the Mer and Der doing their usual routine. You know the one, it’s that one where he acts all girlie and begs her to stay and talk about their feelings some more while he braids her hair and she just wants to hit it and quit it. When is this “guy” ever going to grow a pair?? She treats him like such a biaatch that she might as well leave some cash on the dresser on her way out.

It’s ok Der, just go have a good cry.

So Mer hits the door like a true playa, telling Der that she just wants to leave him wanting more. And while Der goes for the Haagen-Dazs and the Big spoon, we cut to Christina, who has apparently decided to throw a fresh coat of paint over the remnants of Isaiah Washington’s career…er…I mean over her memories of Burke. And Christina, being Christina, has decided to go with red, because red is, “like blood.”

“I’m gonna paint that man right out of my hair.”

Meanwhile, the Chief apparently smelled all of the estrogen emanating from Derek’s place and mistook Der for his wife, so he decided to bring some laundry over and Der, being a good girl at heart, accepted it and promised to have dinner warmed and on the table when the Chief got home. Der makes the best 50′s housewife, ever!

Don’t forget the starch, dear.

Finally, we arrive at the hospital and we learn a few things: 1. Dr. Hahn (former guest star, now series regular Brooke Smith), the new head of cardiac surgery, doesn’t like Christina. 2. Sloan has an inexplicable crush on Dr. Hahn, probably just because she, being new, is the only woman in the hospital he hasn’t slept with, yet. 3. Karev and Lexie were bumping uglies in Mer’s house and she goes all Dorm Monitor on him and doesn’t want him getting any with her pseudo-sister in Her house, even though he lives there too. Do you feel caught up now? I know I do.

Then, George comes over to whine to Mer about how badly his attempts at sex with Izzy have been going. Mer reacts appropriately:

George having sex, Eeewwww!!

As she runs from the horror of that image (literally, that’s not a joke, she runs for it), Mer runs into Izzy, who grabs her in a Vulcan Death Grip -like the one Tom Cruise uses on Katie when he lets her out in public- and starts telling her about how George kisses, “like a chicken pecking the ground for food.” Feel the love, kids! I think I can actually see Mer blinking out an S.O.S. in Morse code, with her eyelids.

Somebody Help Me!

Luckily for our heroine, Christina enters at that moment and Mer is able to escape from Izzy’s grip.

It’s time to meet this week’s patients and we start with Jerry, who is apparently trying to set the land speed record for the most times saying the word “crap” in a 30 second period. He’s really starting to make me uncomfortable. It looks like Jer many win my Least Favorite Patient of the Season Award and given some of the gross out patients on this show, that’s really saying something!

Holy Crap! This guy won’t stop saying crap!

Meanwhile, in this week’s installment of the continuing efforts to demean Callie, she can’t handle her job again today, so she begs Bailey to takeover and run things for the day saying, ” Be me, only better. Be You.” Gee, how blatant. I guess the writers think they’ve been being too subtle for the past several weeks in telling us how incompetent Callie is now, so they’ve decided to club us over the head with the notion.

Bailey uses her new authority to suggest that Christina try out other specialties besides cardio, since Dr. Hahn doesn’t like her, so Christina goes down to the ER where she finds a woman who comes in after collapsing and dropping her baby. She comes in worried about the baby’s injury, but when she collapses again, it’s clear that she’s the one in trouble. Christina keeps her alive, but then Hahn comes in and totally disses on Christina and takes over the case.

As Christina stands by, dejected, we move to George and the case of the bickering couple and the kid who likes to eat marbles. It turns out that junior ate the marbles because he had to do something drastic to get his parents to shut their yaps long enough for him to tell them that he wants them to get divorced. Junior is tired of living with the Bickersons.

Our final patient is an Extremely whiney woman who is in for a facelift. She complains about her looks and her lot in life and she says that she can’t even remember the last time she had sex. No surprise there. I bet the guy Wishes he couldn’t remember either!

Yikes! I’d want surgery too!

It turns out that the father of our injured baby (and the husband of the collapsing woman) is C-note from Prison Break and things aren’t looking good for Mrs. Note, who has major lung issues.

I guess those conjugal visits went well.

We now take an abrupt break from life and death medical drama to return to Izzy and George’s dorky efforts to have sex. George gets the idea to loosen things up by offering to fulfill any fantasy that Izzy desires and this is the end result:

The Horror! The Horror!

I don’t know about you, but when the fantasy session ends with the girl in the bathroom, curled up in the fetal position and staring off into space with a horrified look on her face, I find that is usually a bad sign. Sure enough, they agree to never speak of the incident again and then Izzy assures us that in spite of it all, she is sure that they do have chemistry. Uh…yeah Izz, sure ya do…

Back at SGH, whiney facelift woman and Captain Crap are both being belligerent and uncooperative, so the residents go to Dr. Bailey to fill in for an absentee Callie and solve all of their problems. Bailey’s solution: Put them in a room together and let them annoy each other to death. Sounds good to me!

Help us Dr. Bailey. You’re our only hope!

The Chief also happens to wonder by and notice Bailey doing Callie’s job. He’s starting to realize that Bailey has been carrying Callie all along.

Down in the clinic, The Amazing Marble Eating Boy is back and now he’s taken his act to the next level. Apparently eating marbles didn’t get enough of a rise out of his parents, so he’s switched to magnets. The thing about magnets, kids, is that they like to find each other and they don’t mind going through organs to do it, which makes them especially exciting to eat!

How about a side of lead paint with those? It’s delicious!

After surgery to remove the magnets, we return to C-note whose wife is not doing well and he doesn’t think he can raise their newly adopted baby without her. He wants to start greasing the skids to send the kid back, prompting Lexie, who has been taking care of the baby, to give him her, “I’m hating you right now” look.

Meanwhile, Derek’s husband comes home and walks in on him and Mer in bed.

It’s not what it looks like, dear!

And then Mer (who is apparently very experienced at getting dressed and getting out of a man’s house quickly) makes it home just in time to be Karev’s mom and forbid him from going out with Lexie on a school night. “Get your own friends, get your own life. Stop living in mine,” she tells Lexie. Oooh burn! Harsh, but kinda true.

I’ll get you my Lexi, and your little dog too!

The next day, Izzy and George dash out of bed after another night of failed sex, but another couple is having much better luck. It seems whiney facelift and Captain Crap took to their shared room so well they decided to share a bed too, much to the disgust of all who witness it.

Why do you look shocked? We’re the ones seeing you.

Things aren’t so rosy with Mr. and Mrs. C-note. It doesn’t look like the Mrs. is going to make it, but Mer gives him a good speech about how it takes some people more time to feel like a family (She looks over at Lexie on that line.). In the end, C-note’s wife does die and he walks out of the hospital. But a little while later, he returns for his baby. Mer’s speech worked.

After a day filled with noticing Bailey take over as Chief Resident, the Chief catches up with Callie coming out of a surgery and tells her that she’s fired as CR. Poor Callie, hopefully now they will stop writing her as such an incompetent now.

After firing (well technically demoting) Callie, the Chief formally gives the CR job to Bailey. He tells her, “what you do and how you do it makes this hospital work.” At first, she acts all tough, saying, “It’s about time you noticed.” But then, out of nowhere, she launches into a full on ugly cry. It’s very non-Bailey. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, No crying at work. Goodbye credibility.

Even I’m weirded out by this.

Wow, that was a long day at SGH, kids. It’s time to unwind at Joe’s, where we find Sloan perving on Dr. Hahn. Clearly, she’s not buying it. She tells him he’s attracted to her mostly because she’s Not attracted to him. Smart woman.

Her sign is Stop!

After Lexie passes out on the bar (classy), Mer gives little Alex permission to take her home, where he meets the great patriarch Fletcher Grey, who apparently has become a drunk after his wife’s death. Lexie makes Karev promise not to tell Meredith.

Hey, that walking scotch bottle looks like my daughter.

And finally, we end exactly where we began, with George and Izzy in bed failing, once again at sex. The poor kids look miserable. Please, Grey’s writers, put us All out of our misery.

Well kids, it’s time to go, but if you remember one thing from this week, remember this: Lexie can draw Really, really well on an Etch-a-Sketch!