There ain’t nothing wrong with being #12….oh, wait

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It’s been a long summer in TVLand. Starting with a brutal writer’s strike that left us with reruns of terrible shows and a Sahara desert of decent programming, we have been left to suffer. We’ve seen gameshows, dance shows, animal shows, the dirtiest jobs, the toughest jobs….you know you are scraping the bottom of the idea barrel when you put a camera in front of Dina Lohan and/or Denise Richards. We have suffered. But the clouds have begun to part, a ray of hope is in sight. The writer’s strike is over and the fall line up is finally here in all its glory. And with that glory comes the dreary melodramatic world of Seattle Grace Hospital. Cue The Fray’s How to Save a Life and welcome back Grey’s Anatomy!

A Face of Hope

We kick off the show with Meredith regaling us with her fairy tale love story of the season past, and how she ended up in a field of flames to declare her love to McDreamy. When your face shows zero emotion, it takes something major to convey your feelings.

One by one the candles go out. This foreshadowing leads me to believe that perhaps there might be trouble in the McDreamy/McSkeletor household, and I for one am shocked. They always seem so happy together? Her fantasy is cut short as we find McDreamy flat lining in the hospital. I can’t tell if Meredith is upset or not…her face reads indifference until she screams….. ah, got it. Upset.

Meredith instantly wakes up. It’s all a dream. God, even Meredith’s subconscious sucks.

Back in the real world, it is snowing outside, indicating that seasons are changing and things are a-changing in Seattle Grace. We find the A-squad gathered around a computer anxiously awaiting the new hospital rankings. I’m positive that this is why my happy ass sits for an hour and a half minimum every time I go to the hospital. Rankings are in! Seattle Grace has fallen from the illustrious number one spot to number 12. Wow, I haven’t seen rating drop that fast since season 3 of….oh…Grey’s Anatomy. Awkward. Not to point fingers, but in the room we have the intern who killed her fiancée’s patient, the intern who spends more time with the shrink then scrubbing in, the intern who did surgery for an incapable Doctor and the intern who failed his test. I’m thinking #12 is actually not so bad. (For the hospital and the show)

Don’t worry, I put new highlights magazines in the waiting room. They’ll be good for like an hour.

The entire hospital staff deals with this in their own way. George blames himself to a love struck Lexie (really…another hot chick in love with George? At least this keeps on the fairytale theme). Yang obsesses how a prodigy like herself can’t be in a #12 hospital to Meredith who obsesses over–what else–herself. I think every time Meredith begins intense self-exploration she gets a little botox to cheer her up. That is the only thing that can explain that mug. During a Meredith on Meredith rant she for no reason other than to fuel story line mentions how she slept with George, in front of the evil step sister Lexie who is as adequately shocked and grossed out as the rest of us were.

In other developments, we find the Mc-Eemy brothers discussing who’s more likely to be in People’s 50 most beautiful people this year when Rose appears. After eye humping McSteamy and snubbing Dreamy, I think we know how that break up went. Elsewhere in the hospital we find the one lone professional, The Chief. He sadly looks out at the snow and begins a brief monologue to Dr. Hahn about the death and destruction the melting snow will bring come sundown. I begin to feel warm and fuzzy inside about the Chief’s concern over the safety of his city until we learn his thoughtful moment is only because those people dying in the street surely will not go to a #12 hospital when there is a slacker free #2 joint across town. (Sidenote: If you are in danger of death, do you really take the time to think about the ranking of your hospital? Or do you just go to the nearest one? And does the general public anxiously check local hospital rankings frequently, or, I don’t know, EVER?)

To further illustrate how picky the ER patients are in Seattle, Sergeant Bailey has her team waiting in the snow for patients. Ok, I will believe a lot in terms of storylines, but really, waiting in the snow? Has anyone ever been to the ER at night? Unless you are bleeding from the heart with a knife in your ear and you know the receptionist, you will sit in the waiting room for at least 2 hours until a community college graduate comes and brings you to a room. Maybe you should spend all that free time, oh, I don’t know, learning about medical stuff.

Finally, life gets interesting. An erratically driven car with a busted windshield pulls into the station. Sweet, Heather Locklear is in this episode! Damn, no. Apparently being number 12 gets your ambulances downgraded too. In the car are three bleeding women in ball gowns and a limo driver who is bleeding from the stomach. This whole scene was weird, with the old-fashioned dresses and the three fair maidens heading to the ball. I had this eerie feeling at the end of the episode we would find out that this car had been in a crash 50 years ago and all those women died.

It doesn’t really hurt here, or here, but right here…

Anyways, the blast from the past theory is thwarted when we see these women’s faces, and let me tell you, the exploding bloody stomach ain’t the grossest thing in the car. These women are freaky looking, like they took about 20 Xanax, stumbled onto the Dr. 90210 lot and challenged him to a Botox-off. I think they are distraught, but their faces read complete neutrality. The doctors of Seattle Grace rejoice at their bloody good fortune of having 4 patients.

As everyone rushes in, in an effort to save the sinking ship hospital, Chief pushes Bailey aside and takes over the dying limo driver. Bailey NO likey that power play. Meanwhile the second stringers tend to the Botox trio. As O’Mally approaches the first plastic princess with a needle in hand, he is called off, as “Interns don’t touch the face, plastic surgeons touch the face.” IMO comparing George vs. McSteamy, I’m saying that rule applies to all parts of the body.

Despite all the bloody chaos, Meredith and Derek are able to have a meaningful chat about the future. So, the hospital has been a tomb all day and the best time to talk relationship is now? Meredith proclaims that they should live together because she is “leaning into the fear so she can get her happy ending.” I know I’ve heard that line in an Asian porn movie, it was either “Kung-Pao my Ass” or “Long Dick Dong.” I can’t be positive though.

Death #1, limo driver. Further evidence that it pays to be rich! Unfortunately, now our Cinderellas will officially miss the ball–all that Botox for nothin’ But that isn’t even the worst news: the husbands of these plastic princesses were also in a car accident and they are heading to–GASP– #1 Mercy West. In a disturbing scene that followed, Yang and Bailey trick the car accident victims to demand their husbands come to Seattle Grace. I mean, if the women have to get shitty care, surely the husbands do too. The doctors are so elated that they have another set of dying victims on their way that I’m almost surprised Izzie’s episode story line doesn’t become planning a party for their arrival, a la The Office. Margaritas and karoke for everyone!

When the husbands arrive we meet the White Knight of this episode, GI Joe, holding a pen in one of the husband’s throats. Yang wets herself a little and I throw up in my mouth. One of the dazed wives roams in and out of treatment rooms assessing the husband’s damage and begins to flip out. I don’t even like when the sales girl knocks on the fitting room door, let alone comes in, but at Seattle Grace apparently it’s an open house. This is not helping your “we shouldn’t be #12 cause.”

Um, we’re trying to implement these comment cards…Can I borrow your pen?

In other news we learn the following: GI Joe is a trauma surgeon, one of the Botox wives has a memory that refreshes every 30 seconds ( I wish my friends had that after nights I drink too much) and one of the wives is having an affair with the other one’s husband. This is getting confusing, so I’m going to name the Botox trio. We’ll move forward with Brainless (memory loss), Moral-less (whore bag having an affair) and Clueless (being cheated on)—like a messed version of Wizard of Oz. These names might have helped the episode too, since they look very similar, as do most women who have had too much plastic surgery.

GI Joe begins to stir the pot in the hospital urging an experimental surgery and then goes to staple his own injury up. Yang officially O’s at this site. If only the rankings board could see patients stapling themselves. Bet they wouldn’t have to worry about being #12 anymore.

Over in the operating rooms, Rose acts like a total bitch towards McDreamy and Dr. Hahn tries to act like a kindergarten teacher to make up for being a shitty teacher for so long. Not surprisingly both of their patients begin to flatline.

On to the menfolk: Husband #1- his wife is cheating on him and he is paralyzed from the waist down…guessing that will not help with the whole being cheated on thing. Husband #2- cheating on his wife with Moral-less and can’t speak, which will help keep the whole cheating on his wife thing a secret, however his insurance expires at midnight, and his ride turns back into a pumpkin. Husband #3-he’s stable but critical, but it doesn’t matter because his wife won’t remember anyways. Is this not the most messed up crew ever? At least the dinner parties would be somewhat interesting.

This is all secondary though after we see Rose’s big announcement from the previews that she is carrying McSpawn. Psche!. Really? A lot of buildup for a not so super reveal. Kind of like this episode so far. Newsflash, Rose is kind of a bitch.

Meanwhile, we are treated to the greatest moment of the entire series as Meredith continues to harass Yang with her eternal self analysis. Yang realizes that she has two options: tell her to shut the hell up or strangle her so she can have some freaking peace and quiet. She chooses the first option and tells her to STFU. America says thank you, Dr. Yang. Yang then proceeds to burn down Meredith’s Happily Ever After and basically confirms that Meredith is doomed to a life of misery because she is a self-indulgent, masochistic bitch. Then Karma bitch slaps Yang and stabs her in the chest. And I’m not making that up. She literally slips on the ground, and an overhanging icicle falls into her kidney.

Ok, be honest. Do you think me and Derek are gonna work?

Follow me now as ABC jumps the shark with a flash forward scene of Grey and Yang as old hags miserable in their love-less future. As Yang begins to surgically cut their chicken, all credit gained for telling Meredith to shut up is lost. Also, apparently in the future Grey develops a Jewish New Yorker’s accent. She awakes (oh, ABC, you got us again!) from her dream as GI Joe carries her inside. And as if Karma hasn’t hit Yang hard enough, she has to be treated by her moron interns. Which means the interns will probably amputate her left leg since Yang is a terrible teacher and they are, afterall, #12. Not that anyone’s paying attention to that.

Do you want me to spray some of these spider webs down here?

Across the hall, back in surgery, bitter ex Rose stabs McDreamy. “On accident” of course. While mending his wound (easier to heal than Rose’s apparently), McD hears the chief and GI Joe discussing a hail Mary surgery to fix the paralyzed husband. McD argues this is a terrible experiment and tells Chief he’s acting like #12. Oh, no he diin’t! Uh…didn’t McD kill like 40 patients last season with an experimental surgery? Those in glass houses… McD loses and the Doctors begin to freeze the patient.

Just as the team begins to pat themselves on the back for their brilliant freezing success the patient begins to die. Ruh roh Everyone looks at Torres who convinced them of this brilliant plan asking her what her research taught her. She shows real composure as she completely freaks out. I half expected her to roll up her arm and check her notes or just bolt from the room entirely. Fortunately, after a day of awkward encounters, Dr. Hahn proves that, 1, she is an effective teacher and, 2, how powerful the lesbian bond really is and slowly talks Torres off the ledge. Following the sound of her voice, Torres figures it out and saves the man. Huzzah!

Meanwhile, the clock slowly ticks towards midnight meaning trachey might not get surgery before his insurance runs out. Alex tries to speed up the process and get him Wal Mart level care before midnight but doesn’t make deadline. Moral-less hussy wife takes this opportunity to break the news of the affair, and that–surprise!– trachey lost his job. Worst. Day. EVER. I think Clueless is upset but her expression never changes. So either she is very composed or she got another injection of botox during the commercial break.

Cut to Yang still impaled with an ice stake at the hands of her interns. I’m not a scientist or anything, but aren’t bodies like 98 degrees? Wouldn’t the stake have melted by now? GI Joe, never one to miss a phallic opportunity, yanks out the stake with so much aggression Sandra O makes another O face.

As more of the patients continue to flatline, the Chief decides this is the perfect opportunity to release pent up post-affair aggression on Grey. He tells her she’s worthless and can’t do anything right. Again, America says thank you! Meanwhile, the actress who has been played Meredith’s therapist quits her real life job as a server because it’s a pretty safe bet she’ll be coming back.

In another subplot that I’m sure will have its own Lexie-narrated episode soon enough, Sloan has discovered Lexie’s unbridled yearning for O’Mally and is harassing O’Mally until she admits it. He also slips in there that George is a fool if he isn’t interested in Lexie. This is why women will always love the bad boy, just when you want to hate them, they say one semi sweet comment and all the times they cheated on you with your best friend are forgotten.

Slowly, but surely all the troubles of the evening begin to reach their Happily Ever After. Izzie begins to tell the woman with no memory who asks for her dead husband every 30 seconds that the husband is on his way(sidenote, wouldn’t it be awesome revenge for the whole Emmy thing if that was Katherine Heigl’s storyline throughout the entire season? Every time they cut to her she was still talking to this broad).

Still better than Denny

GI Joe gives Yang the good hard make out session she has been needing since, well forever. And the freezing surgery works letting the moral-less wife’s husband walk again. Awesome, now put on your red high heels and walk out on that cheating bitch. And the Clueless wife forgives her cheating husband. Only problem is, he can’t talk and she can’t show emotion so we really have no idea if they are happy about the union or not.

And speaking of no chemistry, Lexie confronts George about banging Meredith. He reminds her of the year he’s had and the constant slew of mistakes he’s made and she basically tucks her tail back between her legs and backs up. Don’t worry Lexie, every woman who has tried to, or thought about banging George on this show eventually has. I give it 3 episodes. (Interestingly enough, they are also always alcohol fueled, but again who am I to talk, glass houses and all.)

While we are wrapping everything up we go to a couple who won’t need to wrap anything up, the self proclaimed Lesbian Virgins. They both admit like a couple of drunk college girls that they’ve never done this before and they only want to do it with each other. Unlike drunk college girls there are no drunk fraternity guys around egging the whole thing on, and they aren’t doing it solely for attention but you get the picture.

Think of all the money we’ll save on condoms

And the final couple. The couple that makes you pray for another ice stake, Grey and Yang. Grey in typical life avoidance style puts her happiness in Yang’s hands. At least you’ll be able to stop blaming your mother for a bit in therapy when everything goes to shit in the season finale.

And the final narration. We learn that life isn’t always a fairytale. Derrick and Meredith pack in complete terror, after an episode of making Izzie swoon Alex bring home a one-night stand, Izzie dreams of Denny (seriously?) and the full staff meets in an OR. Aren’t those rooms supposed to be sterile? And the Chief calls everyone a failure and puts them all on notice. Motivational Chief.

Aye, 2 hours! A lot of new relationships starting up. I feel like the story lines that didn’t work last year the writer’s just tossed and pretended didn’t happen and are starting fresh. Season Predictions: Grey and McD have until the end of the year then they’ll break up again. Izzie and Alex will bang in the break room probably around week 3 or 4 which George will walk in on, propelling him to revenge bang Lexie, Lexie and George will start to bang which will make Sloan jealous and the Virgin Lesbians will have a beautiful relationship. Bailey and Yang will probably all go unfulfilled for another season. Thoughts?

This is my first time, so be gentle with me…ThatsWhatSheSaid.