First of all, HAPPY DAMN NEW YEAR, GASMII!!!
I hope you had a wonderful and drama-free end of 2011. I wish I could say that I experienced a joyful and relaxing holiday, but the holidays, family and work took a major dump on my sanity. On the bright side, let’s hear it for Xanax!! Look for my holiday special next year, “The Pills that Saved Christmas”
Seriously Santa, keep ‘em coming. Love, LB.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve been able to get a Grimm recap posted, and I apologize. I’ve been remiss in my duties. In an effort to make it up to you, I’m posting a series of ULTRAMEGA RECAP EXTRAVAGANZA!!! What’s an ULTRAMEGA RECAP EXTRAVAGANZA? It’s when I post a Grimm recap daily, leading up to Friday’s episode! Infer what you will about my social life from this announcement. I guess this is either really good news or really bad news depending on how you feel about my recap skillz.
I feel like a total ass doing this, by the way. I know it’s like going to a news website today and reading that Kim Kardashian married Kris Humphries – WE KNOW, JACKASS, THAT HAPPENED A MILLION YEARS AGO! If you want to catch up on episodes 1-5, you can do that here.
So let’s get in our time machine and start with the sixth episode! Our story begins with view of a home kind of in the middle of nowhere. If we go by this show, there’s a lot of weirdos living on the fringes of Portland. It must suck to be a census worker around these parts. The home looks like a woodsy, homemade version of the Biosphere 2:
Biosphere 3: We’re not even trying anymore
The inside of the home screams “I’m a bachelor who hates cleaning!” The home is a mess and the occupant is a chain smoker with a taste for peppermint schnapps. His online dating profile writes itself! “Adventurous woodsman parties like it’s spring break ‘89!”
All the hallmarks of a sophisticated gentleman
We finally get a good look at the occupant of this palace of tacky clutter and he is exactly what you would expect. He’s got on a stripey wife beater and he’s smoking while working out with a shake weight.
This is why parents beg their kids to stay in school
Mr. Shake Weight gets a little too excited and tosses the shake weight out the window. It’s a good thing too; he goes outside to retrieve it and BAM! His house is blown to bits. The shake weight saves lives, people!
“Hmm, smells like something’s burning…”
The next day, Mr. Shake Weight stands over the charred remains of his life while the police and fire departments investigate the scene. Guess who’s taking his statement? Hank-Dre and Nick, OBVIES! Does anyone else in Portland solve crime? What department are they in? So far they’re in homicide, missing persons, whomever investigates breaking and entering, and now possible arson / bomb squad? I would expect that from the police force in No-wheresville, USA but Portland is a major city. I can only suspend my disbelief so far, people. If we have any Gasmii that know how police departments and case assignments work, please feel free to school me in the comments. I can’t wait for LawEnfrcr69 to jump up my butt with some long-winded explanation that starts with the word ‘actually’
The door says “Portland Police” because “The Nick and Hank-Dre Detective Agency” wouldn’t fit.
Let’s take the inventory of Mr. Shake Weight’s belongings: An Iron Butterfly record, a Xena Warrior Princess comic book, and his brother’s baseball card collection. I hope he has insurance! It would be a crime to live without such priceless treasures. Judging by his taste level and his shake weight, I’m willing to bet there’s a charred Forever Lazy and some Bumpit remains in that yard.
“All my things are gone!!”
“True, but on the bright side, you can probably replace it all with $50 and a trip to the Goodwill”
So Mr. Shake Weight is actually Mr. Lasser, and Nick and Hank-Dre want to know if he was making bombs. Mr. Lasser denies such activity, which is a relief. Anyone that cannot use a shake weight without breaking a window should not be making bombs. Of course he transforms into a blutbad in front of Nick.
Blutbad haz a sad
Lasser is upset that his brother’s baseball card collection has been destroyed and his bro would “crap a car” if he knew. Hank-dre – won’t your brother be glad you’re alive? Nick offers his cell for stripey to call his brother for a place to stay, but Nick’s cell phone doesn’t have afterlife service so it’s not going to work. His brother got himself all blows up when his double wide trailer exploded last month and he’s SO dead. Glad that was clarified. If he was mostly dead, there would be hope.
Unfortunately Nick’s cell phone probably can’t reach these people either
At the police station, Trailer Park BB is calling a friend for a place to stay – begging is more like it. Nick and Hank-Dre come back to question Hap – his name that works because he’s happy all the time! Everyone loves a happy guy, even the people that loan him money that doesn’t get paid back.
Meanwhile, a lady motorcyclist with Predator vision is surveying the exploded home of Hap and finds that it was ARSON! Someone tampered with the gas line at Chez Hap.
Hap runs down the list of people who he owes money to. His bar and creperie ventures fell apart and now he’s broke. Hap’s brother, Rolf, didn’t owe anyone money. He was a solid citizen. Nick doesn’t think the arson is the work of a loan shark; they break legs because dead people aren’t good at paying debts. Hap’s brother’s death was not investigated as a homicide, but since the circumstances of the explosions are so similar, they’re going to re-open the case! Okay, NOW it makes sense that these two are working on it.
Who would want to harm them both? According to Hap, no one. Before he can explain, his friend arrives to pick him up…IT’S MONROE!! Monroe does not seem thrilled to be there.
“Note to self, change phone number when this blows over…”
Hank-Dre recognizes Monroe and asks Nick about him. Nick explains him away as the guy he investigated during the kidnapping of all the red riding hoods. Hank-Dre offers to question Monroe but Nick says he’ll do it…a little too fast. Nick, you won’t be able to hide your off -duty partner from Hank-Dre forever.
“It’s not what it looks like! We investigated a little together but I was thinking of you the whole time.”
Hap introduces Nick to Monroe. Monroe explains he and Hap were in “treatment” together many years ago. Portland has the only chapter of HHA – Human Hunters Anonymous. HHA, keeping you from getting mauled by a blutbad one day at a time!
Monroe has to honor the blut-bond, which means he has take Hap home with him. Nick asks them to be careful and tells Monroe to watch out because they’re not sure that this explosion was an accident. Monroe is concerned, and Hap finally picks up that the know each other. Did they meet at a party? Is this Hap supposed be 21 and from Venice Beach in the 80’s? The way he talks and acts would seem so. Hap, being a socially inept blutbad, asks Monroe if Nick arrested him for “relapsing.” NICE.
The only two detectives in Portland meet up with the arson investigator, who explains that both houses were accidental. He comes up with a convenient explanation for both fires – trailer trash + gas + lazy home maintenance = DEATH. Nick asks if some of the deterioration responsible for the fire could have been done on purpose, but arson detective is not having it. He explains that among other things, there was no connection between the gas companies – why does that matter? No prints on valves or tanks, no evidence of foul play. Arson investigator was contacted by an insurance adjuster. Could this be a crime motivated by GREED??
The She-Moto-Predator rolls up to Monroe’s. Monroe is inside listing the rules to Hap, all of which pretty much add up to “please don’t be a complete disgusting slob in my home, thanks.” Instead of listening, Hap is touching things and wants to borrow underwear. Not exactly the type of house guest that most people would want. Oh, and he has the best idea ever: peppermint schnapps and pork take out, a.k.a., diarrhea!
Monroe is not pleased and Hap gets serious. He knows it’s inconvenient for Monroe, and it’s not great for him either. He’s probably gathered from the rules that there’s no smoking in the house or late night shake weighting. Hap gives him an out to kick him out but he looks so sad that OF COURSE Monroe is not going to kick him to the curb. He doesn’t say yes at first and Hap starts to leave, but Monroe lets him stay. Hap promises that this has been a wake up call and he is going to clean up his act.
Who could say no to this face? I probably could, but I’m mean.
Nick rolls up to Monroe’s house too when the She-Moto-Predator pulls him out of his car and attacks him. Turns out she’s a lady blutbad!
I want to do this to all the greedy parkers in my neighborhood. If you park sensibly, we can all fit DAMMIT!
She realizes he’s a Grimm and is getting ready to take him down when Monroe and Hap come out to break up the fight – she’s not just a blutbad, she’s Hap’s SISTER, Angelina!
Angelina got the looks. And the brains. And the ability not to smell like sweaty ham and schnapps. At least Hap got the sunny disposition.
Angelina is pissed that they know and talk to him. Nick has killed a bunch of their ancestors. That’s not fair – Nick has not killed anyone they’re related to Ms. Judgy Pants. Hap defends Nick – he’s not a Grimm, he’s a cop. Question: how is it that Hap cannot tell Nick is a Grimm? Whatevesies. Hap’s response to this new information? He’s a cop and a Grimm? Is that legal? PRICELESS!
Nick wants to know why he shouldn’t arrest Angelina for assaulting an officer and her defense is she was protecting her brother…and her boyfriend, according to Hap. EX boyfriend, says Monroe – OOOOOOOH, Monroe’s got a crazy ex GF!
Angelina’s all like,” there is only kind of Grimm”, and Nick says “like there’s only one kind of blutbad? BURN!!! Nick says he’s there to protect her bro and he needs to ask some questions, so how about she shuts up? Unsurprisingly, lady blutbad gets PISSED and lunges at Nick yet again. Have one of my Christmas pills an simmer down already, lady.
“Maybe you could be a mutebad and let me do my job. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!”
Hap is fascinated; he cannot believe Nick’s a Grimm! They’re living history, brah! Nick asks about their life insurance. Hap was the beneficiary for their dead brother, and Angelina will pass go and collect $200 if Hap dies. Nick asks Angelina for her alibi. At first she’s all “EFF OFF!” but then she finally relents – she was with Adam, a butcher in the French Quarter of NOLA. That’s seems like a lot of information. Wouldn’t you just tell someone you were with a friend in New Orleans?
Like most families dealing with a tense and awkward situation, Hap and Angelina turn to booze. They excuse themselves and Monroe and Nick are alone. Nick says Monroe cannot trust Angelina, and Monroe says that there is no way she would hurt her brother. Nick tells Monroe that Hap cannot leave the house. He doesn’t say anything about Monroe or Angelina leaving, which becomes important later. As he leaves, Nick notices Angelina’s motorcycle, runs her plates. Crazy bitch like that has got to have a rap sheet!
Time to go to the Grimm trailer! Nick needs some info to crack this case. It looks like there is a book for every creature. Interesting. Nick reads up on blutbad again. You’d think he would have done all this reading last time.
Back at the house, Angelina tucks in her brother and thanks Monroe for being there for him. Monroe asks after Adam, and she says he is a lot of things, but he’s not Monroe. She starts flirting and breathing whiskey all over him. She’s there to protect Hap, and to get some blut-booty. She gets Monroe to drink with her and she reminisces about their back in the day humping. Angelina wants him to go running in the woods. Apparently she doesn’t know that only bad shit happens out there. Those woods need a warning sign! So who wants to go late night jogging? For blutbad, it’s foreplay. Way to leave Hap alone y’all. They transform and play chasy-chasy-grabby-grabby in the woods when Angelina finally lets him catch her and they start having crazy blut bad outdoor sexy time. She wants it doggie style
I guess it’s blutbad style to them. Also, how about some lights on this show? I can’t see diddly.
Back at the Grimm HQ trailer Nick’s not getting any love, but he does learn that the blutbad weakspot is the tramp stamp area. Wu calls to let him know that all Angelina has on her record are speeding tickets and some warnings for over-acting. Nick gets her address and goes to pay her home a visit. For someone who is paranoid, her only security is a screen door – who does that??
Nick looks around with his gun at ready. After meeting this chick, he should have called first and gotten at least 10 warrants. If she was home or came home during his surprise visit, he would have been Grimm jerky. He’s examining a family photo when someone runs past him and takes him down….a PIG someone! Interesting…
It’s hard to tell from this photo, but it’s a manpig. No relation to manbearpig, so sit down Al Gore.
The next morning in the woods, Monroe wakes up and probably has morning wood. He still in the post-sex happy haze until he sees the blood on his hand and her face. Uh oh, that can’t be good. In the distances, he sees entrails. It doesn’t appear to be human, so it’s okay for now.
“I’ve made a huge mistake…” We’ve all been there, amirite?
Hap wakes up to a knock at the door – it’s 24/7 pork! Yay for breakfast! Hap answers the door – no pork, just a man with a gun who shoots him. It’s a pig man – DAMN! At least he got the pork part right.
No one ordered bullets! 24/7 Pork has terrible customer service.
Cops arrive on the scene to investigate. Hank-Dre and Nick get the rundown from Wu – it was a professional hit! Who would hire a pro to kill Hap? The shake-weight people? Hank-Dre is actually impressed that they’re seeing a hit like this in Portland, but he reigns it in when he realizes that he’s getting all excited about someone’s murder. Bad form, Hank-Dre.
Nick is furious! Hap was supposed to be safe! At the home of a known friend with no security! To be fair, you would think that Angelina would do a much better job shredding anyone who tried to hurt Hap than the police ever could. Too bad she was busy fornicating in the woods. SEX KILLS, PEOPLE!
Monroe and Angelina finally show up and find out that Hap’s dead. Nick asks Monroe what the fuck, dude? Okay, that’s not what he said but it’s what he meant. Angelina is sobbing – and in her grief, she briefly transforms. Hank-Dre is all – do you see what I see? Nick gets uber paranoid for a second until Hank-Dre says he’s talking about the blood on her clothes.
“If you mean ‘did I see her turn into a werewolf’, then no, I totally didn’t see that.”
At the station – Dre questions Angelina but she’s not very helpful. All her family is dead and she has no idea who killed them. She spends the questioning being sarcastic and combative and overact-y. Hank-Dre brings up the blood but refers to it as dirt. OOOOH, someone took psych 101! Angelina is not fooled; she calls him out, and takes the shirt off and dares him to test the blood.
In a separate room, Nick is lecturing Monore – WHY did he leave Hap alone? He had ONE JOB and he couldn’t handle it and now Hap’s dead. Nick goes all mom on Monroe and asks if Angelina she talked him in to leaving. Nick reminds Monroe that in light of the circumstances, he’s his BFF now so Monroe better spill. Monroe refuses to blame Angelina. Monroe is a big blutbuad and he chose to leave the house. It doesn’t matter anyway, because according to Monroe, blutbad do not kill their own. Nick says maybe he’s too close to Angelina to be objective.
“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. If you see that girl again you’re grounded, mister.”
The test results come back and confirm that the blood on Angelina’s shirt is from a rabbit. Nick gives Monroe a hard time: a rabbit? REALLY? Monroe relapsed! Nick resumes lecture mode and tells Monroe that Angelina’s not the the right girl for you. I get that he and Monroe are friends and all, but I don’t think he know Monroe well enough to tell him who to date. He’s not the dating police. OR IS HE?? He certainly seems to be the police of everything else ever. Nick tells Monroe about his visit to Angelina’s home and Mr. Pigman, and tells him to watch his back.
As Angelina leaves the station, Nick gives her the stink eye. Hank-Dre interrupts Nick’s wordless eye judging of Angelina to announce that he finally did something besides leave at an opportune time! Hank-Dre is got Angelina’s paw prints from a water glass – maybe they match the ones on the valves!
“I’m a detective too, see? Now quit sending me on bullshit errands.”
Angelina stomps down the street in her one state of being – pissed off – and she’s fuming that they want to pin murder on her! She gives Monroe a hard time for being friends with Nick, while Monroe tries to get her to listen to reason. Not happening, Monroe. Sorry. Instead she comes back with the fact that Hap never hurt anyone and didn’t deserve his fate. No one is saying that. Monroe is trying to get you to act like an adult. Monroe warns her she’s not safe – he tells her that someone was in her house when Nick stopped by uninvited, but all she picks up on is the fact that Nick was there.
Meanwhile at Nick’s, Juliet is patching up a doggie paw! What a nice lady. Apparently a cat beat up the dog, and Juliet tells Nick not to piss off a woman with claws. Too late! That advice would have been useful the night before.
Angelina returns to her home and her predator vision reveals the same yellow stuff she saw at Hap’s house – what does it mean? She says “pig’ which could be referring to Nick or pigman, or what she wants for dinner. Maybe she’s down for some 24/7 pork in honor of her dead brother.
Hank-Dre’s print collection paid off; Angelina’s a match on the bloody partial for a double murder in Eugene. Two brothers were murdered in same night, and by murdered he means torn limb from limb. Gross! The vic’s last name was the same as the arson investigator! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?? (besides the fact that I have been watching too many cop shows and now throw around the word ‘vic’). Mr. Arson Man was investigating himself, so of course there was no evidence of foul play. Nick and Hank run it down for Renard – all this violence is due to a family feud gone terribly wrong. Renard won’t protect a dirty cop, but they need hard evidence first, not just a family tree.
Meanwhile, Monroe is washing blood off of his entryway, which seems like a really depressing chore. Angelina rolls up to announce that both of her blut-bros were killed by a Bauerschwein cop! A pig who’s a pig, GET IT??!?! Angelina says she smelled him at the station, and and he’s going to pay! Monroe wisely tries to get her to stay out of it, but Angelina has the emotional maturity of a 14 year old kid in a Lifetime movie so the rules don’t apply to her. In her mind, she owes it to Hap and so does Monroe! Monroe is not taking the bait. As an adult, he recognizes that Hap is dead, they can’t save him, and if they really cared, they wouldn’t have left him alone in the first place. If they really want to honor Hap, they should whip up some pulled pork and cheap liquor and shake weight the night away. Angelina is in more of a throat-ripping mood, so she storms off, but not before announcing that she still loves Monroe.
I still love Monroe too!
Monroe calls Nick to snitch on Angelina. He tells Nick to protect the pig-pig. Nick approaches Arson Pig Man and casually mentions that he wants to send the arson case files to the Seattle lab for a 2nd opinion. No one likes having their professional opinion questioned, especially when they’re trying to cover up a murder, so Piggy does not take this news well. Nick calls him out and asks for the truth about the other two little pigs and Piggy transforms! He warns Nick that their families have not been enemies, he has no beef with Nick, and Nick should stay out of it. Well obvies he can’t – he’s a cop and a Grimm, and he likes to make everything his bizness.
“Bitch kept blowing houses down! What was I supposed to do? Now MYOB.”
Nick goes to Monroe to track down Angelina because he can now confirm that she is a murderer. Monroe is insistent that he has to stay out of it – this feud goes back centuries! Blutbad always get blamed for suspicious maulings, and Angelina will not let him arrest her anyway! Nick just wants to prevent more death but Monroe cannot be persuaded. In fact, Monroe drops a bomb on Nick – he wants the Pig cop dead too! He killed poor, innocent, Hap the half-wit! That’s like kicking a puppy. Monroe offers Nick a choice: wine or leave. Nick leaves because he’s all responsible (a.k.a. no fun).
Angelina rolls up to the police station and changes into a dress. Why? Maybe it’s her murder dress. She goes into pig’s office and starts looking around but she gets busted by a random officer. She tries to get Piggy’s home address with some transparent flirting, but Nameless Cop sees right through her. He makes a move to grab her and ends up getting tossed into the wall like a rag doll. Guess no one warned him about pissing off a woman with claws.
Angelina’s outfit brought to you by the Dress Barn Murder Collection
News of the attack spreads quickly and Nick and Hank find out she’s inside the station! They have to find Piggy right away! Where could he be? He’s at Monroe’s house! Monroe gets home and finds Piggy with a gun and a message for Angelina. This ends with him and Angelina!
At the station – Wu tells Nick and Hank-Dre that Angelina’s house was torched! Hank-Dre heads to Angelina’s and Nick dashes to the Piggy residence. He gets there and finds the front door is open! Are you shitting me? Piggy is worried about Angelina coming to kill him and his door is unlocked? A lock probably wouldn’t keep her out, but come on!
Nick starts looking around the house and it’s all creepy music and low lighting – he goes into the bathroom and finds a tub full of what appears to be mud. He’s confused for a moment before realizing that Piggy is taking a mud bath. I bet that guy has beautiful skin, but that can’t be easy to clean.
I hope you pay your housekeeper very well
Nick lectures piggy; what was he thinking? Piggy was freaked out by Nick’s earlier confrontation but now he thinks they could be on the same side. Nick is a Grimm, and Grimms kill blutbad. Nick informs Piggy that he’s a cop first and a Grimm second and Piggy killed two people. Piggy tries to defend himself by pointing out that Angelina and Rolf are monsters, but Nick jumps in to defend Hap. Hap was just an idiot with an IQ of 30 and a love of as seen on tv items! He was like a trashy Forrest Gump! Piggy rants on about how Angelina and Rolf killed his brothers for fun, and that’s sooooooooooo messed up and all, but Nick is not moved. As Nick goes to arrest piggy, Angelina joins the party and starts kicking pig ass while Nick stands by and tries to tell her to get off him. She says she’ll give Nick a pass but the pig dies. Nick remembers what he learned in the trailer and hits in the tramp stamp area. This at least gets her off of Piggy, but it doesn’t take her down. She lunges for Nick and BAM! Piggy shoots her. It’s not a fatal hit, and Angelina runs off into the night.
Later, the cops are at Piggy’s. Piggy tells Nick that sometimes being a cop gets in the way of what you have to do. Foreshadowing! It’s already been difficult for Nick to walk the line, and I have a feeling it’s only going to get harder. How many home repair professionals will have to run screaming before Nick tells Juliet what’s up? And Hank-Dre is eventually going to catch Nick investigating with Monroe.
Speaking of Monroe, he’s taking a journey down memory land and reliving fun times with Hap and Angelina. Nick calls him to tell him the news that Piggy is in custody and Angelina has been shot. Monroe says they’ll never find her, and Nick says Monroe might. He’s not having any part of it. He hangs up on Nick and tearfully examines a photo of him and Angelina making out. His tears are interrupted by a noise outside. Monroe goes to investigate – Angelina left him the family photo. There’s a loud, mournful howl from the woods that is presumably Angelina and that’s THE END!
What are your thoughts, Gasmii? Do you even remember this episode? Did Angelina annoy the crap out of you, or did you admire her passion? Does Monroe see everything predator-style like Angelina? Is 24/7 pork a brilliant idea or disgusting? Why won’t someone open a 24/7 cake delivery service in my neighborhood? How am I not sick of Angry Birds yet?
Tomorrow – We review Episode 7, another blutbad-centric tale with a Rapunzel twist!
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