Grimm Recap – Lonelyhearts

It’s time for another Grimm Recap, folks!  This episode teaches us why creepy looking dudes get hot supermodels to marry them even though they smell like goats!

We open with some pretty strange things happening. A man closes a window, locks a door and turns on some gas in his house. A woman breaks the window!

If a woman breaks a window with her ARM to escape your house, she’s just not that into you.

A woman, presumably the window breaker, runs down the street in her nightgown. Based on what she’s seeing, she’s either on a bridge to toontown or took major LSD.

YIKES!

More YIKES!

She’s so freaked out that she doesn’t see a car coming and it hits her. The driver pulls over and goes to see her – she’s still breathing but hurt. A dark and ominous figure stands over them and tells the guy to call 911. While the driver calls from his car, Darkman touches her face and she immediately calms down and wants a kiss. He obliges…with his hand. Oops, that’s not a kiss, that’s suffocation!

“You’ve got something on your face, let me just get that for you…MUAHAHA KIDDING! DIE!”

While the adgitated driver is on the phone with the police, he turns back to the scene of the crime and the Darkman is gone. The next morning, the bridge is a crime scene. I hope that bridge isn’t the only way for folks on the other side to get to work, or their morning commute is fucked.

“WHAT? BRIDGE IS CLOSED?? Somebody better be dead!” And they are! I bet you feel like an asshole now, angry driver!

Hank-Dre and Nick are on the scene, as usual. It appears to be a run-of-the-mill accident. Hank-Dre gives Nick the deets as they go to interview the driver. The driver tells them that he thought the woman was okay and called 911 at the behest of the Darkman. Do you do everything the Darkman tells you to?? Unfortunately the driver doesn’t have any helpful details about the man. An officer comes over to tell Nick and Dre that they’re done with preserving the crime scene and they’re ready for them. Nick just walks off – rude – and Hank-Dre thanks Mr. Kent for his time. I feel like I’ve see this dynamic before…

Goofus walks off with out a word. Gallant thanks the witness for his time.

They go to examine the body. She’s barefoot and ready for bed, but still wearing makeup. Hank-Dre thinks this is odd, but we all know what it means: someone was going to get some! She’s got abrasions that aren’t from being hit by the car, and her feet don’t look torn up, so she couldn’t have been running for long. What was she running to? OR FROM??

Elsewhere, a taxi drops off a suspicious-looking man at the old Joyce Hotel. How do we know he’s suspicious besides the black trench coat and the old-looking suitcase? The freaky string section music!

Suspicious man goes up to his room and answers his cellphone – in French! He’ll call back when it’s finished! He has a newspaper article about Nick shooting the Reaper back in the first episode and opens his case to reveal his Grimm slayer….He’s A REAPER! Since he’s French, we’ll call him Le Reaper. Le Reaper appears to be after revenge. Is this the man the bees were trying to warn Nick about?

“Je m’appelle Le Reaper. You killed my friend. Prepare to die!”

At the morgue – the dead woman has crazy shark eyes.

“I’ve seen this before. Round up every shark in town for questioning!”

Harper (the coroner) explains that the tox report showed a little alcohol, no drugs. There’s no evidence of sexual assault and no crush on the lungs, which is suspicious because she died from asphyxiation. The contusions around her mouth suggest that she was suffocated by a person. She didn’t have a purse on her so they couldn’t do a wallet biopsy, but thanks to her DUI charge she’s in the system and her fingerprints tell the cops that her name was Faith Collins.  I wish they would put something over her eyes because she is freaking me out:

Seriously, it’s like she looking right at me.

Her husband’s record of domestic violence suggests that she was probably running from her abusive husband.  Naturally, Nick and Hank-Dre visit him at his job doing some sort of labor. We’ll know if he’s involved in a few minutes. If he turns into a creature, he’s involved. If he stays human, then it’s a red herring. Nick and Hank-Dre question him and while he’s kind of an idiot, he’s not hiding anything. All he does is bitch about her 322 friends online and the fact that she doesn’t have meals ready when he gets home.

“My wife’s dead?? Who is going to make me dinner??”

His alibi was that he was waiting for her to come back as she always comes back. I was so waiting for Nick to be dick and say “not this time” but he didn’t come through. Well look who developed manners all of a sudden!

To the police station! Faith apparently walked to the bar after her fight with her husband. She talked to a couple of guys at the bar but didn’t make any phone calls to friends or family. Nick remembers her husband’s rant about Faith’s online friends, so they check out her FB page and find out she posted a pic of a fountain the night she died. In magic TV land, you can click on a FB picture and get the GPS location of the photo from the cell phone and a google map. Clicking on the map will take you to the website of the location on the map. Real cops watching this show are laughing right now at how stupid that is.

New from Facebook: the “Stalker” button!

Whatevs, the special tv police facebook yields a clue – the Bramble Haus bed and breakfast! The boys head over to the B&B. It’s a super cute house. Nick nerds out over a car, which will probably be important later.

The Bramble B&B&M – Bed, Breakfast and MURDER!

The B&B owner is a mild mannered slightly nerdy guy who is super friendly. The guests leaving are very happy with the B&B – the female guest is a little too happy with him.

Simmer down lady, you’re married!

Nick and Dre question the proprietor. The woman showed up and he showed her the room and the garden but did she not stay. The cab dropped her off but didn’t pick her up – what’s his explanation? The proprietor says he can’t force them to stay…or CAN HE??? He says the woman seemed troubled. I would be troubled too if I had 322 Internet friends and one real life idiot of a husband. Nick asks to see the garden, and the B&B manager happily obliges. On their way out, he bumps into Hank-Dre and hits him with some of that mojo he used on the dead lady on the bridge. Hank-Dre is a little smitten.

“How YOU doin?”

The garden is lush and floral, and filled with animals. It’s the same garden from the photo. The B&B guy starts showing them his flowers and fountain when Hank steps on something! It’s a little frog. B&B man is crestfallen and reveals that he’s not human. We’ve found our bad guy! Nick is like NOT AGAIN. CAN I JUST HAVE ONE NORMAL CASE PLEASE.

“Can I just have ONE case involving normal people, PLEASE? COME ON!”

B&B guy says that the toad is endangered and it’s the first sign of our extinction when toads die. Someone apparently subscribes to “Toad Nerd Monthly!” Toadicide and extinction talk are major downers, so Nick give the B&B guy his card and they excuse themselves. B&B guy waits until they’re out of sight and EATS THE TOAD. GROSS!!!!

Toad sashimi. EWWW.

Back at the police station, Le Reaper, our mysterious French friend, has come to inquire about the officer who shot his fellow reaper. Officer Wu has him sit down and asks the Captain what to do. Renard says to tell Le Reaper that the officer he’s looking for is not available, and in the meantime, Wu should run a background check and give Renard the deets. Nick and Hank-Dre are returning to the station just as Le Reaper is leaving. They walk right by each other and Le Reaper doesn’t notice! Some Grimm Reaper.

Dude, your Grimm detector is WAY broken. He’s RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Meanwhile, Nick is paying a late night visit to the Grimm Trailer. He finds out that B&B guy is a Ziegevolk, aka Bluebeards, or lady-defiler. The Grimmopedia says the Grimms were not able to determine how such an oafish man can attract so many hotties. No word on whether Ziegevolk are musicians or millionaires.

Ziegevolk: See Also Rockstar, Billionaire, Movie Producer

Speaking of musicians, Monroe is home practicing the cello. Each time I think I love Monroe, they reveal something else about him that makes me love him even more.

SWOON!

Someone is knocking on his door, guess who?? It’s Nick. He needs help with the Ziegevolk. Monroe confirms my suspicions that Ziegevolks are fame whores. Monroe knew one in high school – Elvis Greenspan. Any relationship to Alan Greenspan? You know that Economists get MAD ladies. Apparently Ziegevolk give off a scent that the women cannot resist. Monroe tells Nick that these goat guys can exert their power over anyone with their touch. They live for the rut – picking out the choicest females for breeding.

Later, Nick is being creepy and watching couples in the supermarket. He and Juliet banter about why people end up together and make sexual innuendo. It’s icky. Back to the crime please.

Hank-Dre and Nick are trying to find out more about the B&B guy and come up with little. All they find on him is the fact he has a unique solution to mosquito problems and he moved to town a year and a half ago. YAWN.

What’s more interesting is the fact that there are clusters of missing women in several cities that may be related to Herr Ziegevolk. Nick and Hank-Dre take the evidence to the Captain. All the missing women in these clusters were found alive and pregnant. Renards says they have a serial rapist, not a serial killer. With this whole pregnancy angle, it’s more like a serial baby daddy. Or a serial sperminator. Hank says the women that were found were kept in isolated conditions and exposed to gas….sounds like Goatman has been on a world tour!

At the B&B, Goaty LeSleazy takes three plates of dinner down to his basement and puts them in front of three large cages, and three lady arms reach out to take the food. He turns on the hallucination gas before stepping out for the evening.

If these ladies ever get out, this place is getting some seriously shitty reviews on Yelp

Hank and Nick return to the B&B. Hank puts a tracking device on the dude’s car. Sir Goaty Van Roofie is in the garden and grabs one toad for the road; he’s clearly dressed to go out.

Toads, nature’s Clif Bar. Sold in health food stores and your backyard.

Unfortunately for our boys, Goaty St. Pushy is traveling on foot for the evening. So much for the tracking device on the car. Nick will track him while Hank-Dre searches around the house for some evidence to obtain a warrant. Hank tries the front door – locked. Um, what about the warrant?? The door is locked so he jumps the gate into the backyard instead. Again, WARRANT?? The garden seems way more menacing at night. I’m worried about Hank-Dre.  He really should be making tea or something safer than hanging out at the B&B&M.

Nick is following Goaty Van Rapenstein thru town and sees him eat another toad sashimi snack. I am still grossed out. Back at the house, Hank finds a single shard of glass in the garden but no broken window. Since he’s decided the warrant is not an issue anymore, he finds an open window and goes into the house.

As Nick trails Goaty, He full on turns into a Ziegevolk for a moment before heading into a bar.

Is it weird I think he’s more attractive here than in his human form? Time to change my FB relationship status to “It’s Complicated”

Nick can’t follow him into the bar without being spotted so he calls Monroe and offers to pay him if he goes to a bar and keep tabs on Goaty McRapist for him. Clockmaking is not super lucrative so he takes Nick up on the offer. Even if he didn’t need the money, getting paid to go drink isn’t a bad gig.

What is Le Reaper up to all this time?  He returns to his hotel room and he has a visitor. It’s Captain Renard. He tells Le Reaper to come in and shut the door, and talks to him in French. He tells Le Reaper that his first mistake was coming to Renard’s city. It just occurred to me – Renard is a French name, no? Renard tells Le Reaper his second mistake was not knowing who you have to kneel before. I KNOW THIS ONE!

Zod!

Or Not.

Le Reaper kneels before Renard. Renard says his fellow reaper brought his death upon himself. Le Reaper says he followed the Grimm, but Renard counters that the reaper did not seek Renard’s permission first. Le Reaper claims revenge for the death of his buddy, but Renard is not having it. Le Reaper asks if Renard is protecting a Grimm, and Renard’s answer is to cut the Le Reaper’s ear off with his own Scythe. In French, he tells him this will help him remember to listen when Renard speaks. YOU JUST GOT SERVED, LE REAPER! If this was the dude the bees were warning Nick about, BOOO – that’s a letdown.

Renard just gave Le Reaper quite and earful! EARFUL, GET IT?!? HAR HAR HAR!

Monroe arrives at the bar and Nick gives him the lowdown. Monroe reminds Nick that he will be able to smell ol’ Goaty so he doesn’t need a description. Nick asks Monroe about the toad snacking thing, and it’s not good – it means that Goaty’s a herder. What does that mean? Apparently it means he likes to knock up ladies all over the world. Nick gives Monroe some cash and he heads in.

Back at the B&B – Hank-Dre is conducting a pretty thorough inadmissible investigation. He finds the window that was broken and discovers it was recently repaired.

At the bar, Monroe finds Goaty LePickup and gives Nick the play by play. He takes a seat next to the latest goat target. Hank-Dre calls Nick to let him know the status of his illegal search of the B&B. He found a broken window. Nick calls him out for going in, but Hank-Dre says they have probable cause. Whatevs, this isn’t Law and Order, so it doesn’t really matter.

Back at the bar, Monroe listens as Goaty Von Molesty lays down his toad-laced bullshit and the woman is eating it up. Monroe is even getting drawn in a little.

Swoon, part deux

Goaty touches the lady and she gets the toadygoat dilated eyes. She’s in trouble now!

Hank-Dre is in the house and notices that there is a strange whimpering coming from a vent in the floor. He finds the basement and makes his way down. Now would be a really good time to call for backup, so of course he doesn’t. He finds the lady dungeon downstairs but there’s still some hallucination gas down there and it starts to affect him. He sees a cobra and collapses, and sees a woman in the cage on the ground.

Monroe has to leave the bar because the Goat man is too powerful. While he’s talking to Nick, Goaty MacToady leaves and Nick has to hide. He tells Monroe he can go home, but he’s not ready to leave yet. He heads back to the bar and tries his luck with the lady the goat was hitting on. No luck!

Nick calls Hank-Dre and tries to warn him that Goaty is on his way home, but Hank is too high to get to the phone.

I was gonna solve this case, but I got high. Now I’m trapped in this basement, and I know why! Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high! LA DEE DA DA DA DA

Nick tracks Toadbreath back to the B&B and calls the station to track Hank-Dre.

“Hi, it’s Nick. Can you ask Magic Facebook where Hank is? Thanks!”

Hank is still in the house! And it’s getting worse – Goaty is pumping more gas into the basement. Bar lady shows up at the B&B and she wants to see the garden! Toady Goaty Imprenator is about to take her there when Nick busts in and tells the woman to get lost. The police call Nick and confirm what we know – Dre is in the house! Nick dials him and follows the sound of his cell phone into the basement. Dre is NOT GOOD. Goaty locks them downstairs and turns up the gas, then goes upstairs to pack for a quick getaway. He’s getting ready to leave and the lady shows back up. Goaty takes her with so he can get out of there.

Nick is not affected by the gas. Interesting. No wonder the Grimmopedia author didn’t get how the Ziegevolk worked; they’re impervious to their chemicals. Nick and Hank-Dre break the door down, turn off the gas and liberate the caged ladies and lament that Goaty got away. Um, guys? REMEMBER THE TRACKING DEVICE ON THE CAR? They do! They fire up the iPad and load the “BadGuyFinder” app – he’s on the highway!

Technology saves the day! Do0 d00-d00 d00-d00, Inspector Gadget!

Goaty and his latest catch are at a waterfall and decide to get back on the road. He’s getting ready to leave again when he sees that he’s been spotted! Nick and Dre chase him through the area but Goaty has an advantage – he can go full goat and jump and run faster. He almost gets away but runs into the street and gets hit by a van.

KARMA!

Nick and Hank are sending his DNA all over to see if he is behind the serial impregnating. They leave the scene, but guess what – Goaty is still toady and his toady mojo rubs off on the paramedic. AND SCENE!

We certainly learned a bit more about the Captain this episode. A little visit to Wikipedia yielded some telling info:

“Renard is French for Fox. Possible Origins: From the Germanic man’s name Reginhard, which came from ‘regin’ = “the divine powers of the old Germanic religion” and “hard”: “made hard by the gods”, but with the disuse of the old Germanic religion was later likely interpreted as “rain-hard” meaning “staying steady under a rain of blows from weapons in battle” or similar. From the Germanic man’s name Reginhard (later condensed to Reinhard), which comes from ‘regin’ = “counsel” and ‘harti’ = “strong”, denoting someone who is wise, clever, or resourceful.”

HMMM. So Renard is made hard by the gods, wise, clever and resourceful. Pretty handy with the scythe too! What did you guys think? Was LeReaper the man the bees were warning Nick about? Is Renard protecting Nick or is he an enemy keeping tabs on him? Do you want to invest in my new product, ToadBlow, a breath spray that makes you irresistible? Let me know in the comments!

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