Hair Battle: My Male Model Is Prettier Than Yours

Episode four of Hair Battle Spectacular folks!

And we’re back at the loft at the start of the show because it appears the producers must be afraid to change up the show’s structure on us. Uh, pretty sure we can handle it.

However, instead of the usual group session where everyone talks about how they were sad to see the loser of the last Glam Slam go—sorry Camouflage, apparently you’re that forgettable—people are reminding Mz H20 how she got reamed by Derek J. “I’ve really gotta pull some tricks out of my hat,” Mz H20 says. Well maybe if she spent more time perfecting her technique and less time putting the perfect curl in her every-shade-of-purple cascade of bangs, she wouldn’t be hanging out in the bottom every week. Just saying, Mz H!

little less time on the bangs and a little more time in the books, Mz H20!

The stylists return to the salon and—surprise!—there’s a bar in the room and the pack of lushes rushes up to it and starts pouring cocktails. Mz H20, who apparently has just realized that she’s been not cutting it points out that QueenB has been in the “Hair Dos” each week and we cut to QueenB who’s looking smug and drinking. J9 adds that Nostradamus has been in the top as well and it’s then that I say a small prayer that one of the other stylists gets it together and knocks some humility into these two.

chug a lug!

Eva enters to announce the Check Up From the Neck Up challenge and pretends to be sweet. Then she pretends to be mean. Then she pretends to be sweet. Then she pretends to be serious. Then she’s sweet again when she introduces the “scrumptious face of fantasy hair…Derek J!” Can someone please get this gal some mood stabilizers? Or a new acting coach?

Eva pretending to ignore Derek J.

Derek J waltzes in in his usual sequins and heels and Eva tells the stylists they are going to have to whip up some weaves inspired by their model’s make up.

This is going to be a really easy “exciting” and “spectacular” challenge for J9 apparently because, as she tells us, she is a “make up whore.” Giggle. My mother taught me never to call a lady a whore but…well, if the lady introduces herself as one, I mean it has to be okay.

The stylists stare down the models; one has a gold rash-looking thing on her neck, one’s in purple face, one has geisha make-up, and another has a rainbow over her eye. Derek J tells them he and Eva want to see what the stylists can do with the made up faces as “you guys’s inspiration.” Well, no one ever said he was the “scrumptious face of the English Department.”

“Wait, did he just say ‘you guys’s'???”

Eva tells the stylists that the winner of the challenge will get to issue the “Dryer Down” card to another stylist, dictating that the recipient will not be allowed to use their blow dryer for 90 minutes.

The stylists pick their models, well…everyone does except for Atomic who is left with the rainbow make up and he says cool and then looks like he’s stifling a nervous laugh because every one might realize he wanted the rainbow the whole time. It’s okay Atomic; embrace the rainbow.

Eva kicks off the 90 minutes allotted to the stylists with a really over the top “NOW” and spins and waltzes out of the room. Thank god she’s gone because it’s just a total rollercoaster of emotions with her. It makes me jumpy.

Nostradamus starts boring his model to death, telling her how her green make up is inspiring him to do a lower maintenance look and she just stares into the mirror blinking almost every time he puts another twist in her braid, trying to silently communicate to anyone who can see “CAN SOMEONE MAKE HIM STOP TALKING?”

Nostradamus’ model to Nostradamus: “Less talking, more braiding!”

Mz H20 is doing a geisha theme which is a big fat duh, because her model is in geisha make up.

GQ tells his model what he’s going to do to her hair as if he’s seeking her permission. Boy, grab that model by the hair and tell her what you’re going to do! Don’t ask her! As GQ’s getting to work, his model, who some jerk painted entirely in purple face, glowers into the mirror, at GQ, and all around the room as if she can’t believe GQ’s still on the show and that SHE got stuck with him. Neither can we boo, neither can we!

GQ’s perpetually pissed model.

Blondie and GQ check in on each other and it sounds genuinely kind, and we find out that Blondie’s working on some yellow-haired tribal thing.

On the other hand, when Atomic asks J9 how she’s doing, J9’s not having it. Atomic asks what she’s doing and J9 tells him “I’m making your mom on my head.” Really J9? A “your mom” comment? You really thought about that witty zinger didn’t cha?

Look at J9 working away on Atomic’s mom. Hot, right?

But Atomic thinks “that’s kinda hot actually.” Maybe Atomic actually gets a little too hot and bothered by the mommy as a hair piece fantasy because Blondie tells us that his rainbow make up inspired hair looks like a “broke down clown.”

If you didn’t have a fear of clowns before…

Derek J comes back into the room to tell the stylists they have 10 minutes left. He does this with his hands on his hips because apparently he has been going to Eva’s acting coach who told them that people will really take you seriously when you talk with your hands on your hips.

Derek J was doing “I’m A Little Teapot” in the background and got confused.

J9 tells us in her own ineloquent way that she’s accidentally sabotaging her cotton candy-esque hair creation and GQ tell us that the challenge is a lot harder than he originally thought. If cuteness was an indicator of skill, GQ would have this entire competition in the bag. Unfortunately…it’s not. The fact that he is cute does make me feel sorry for him when he’s landing in the bottom week after week or whipping up underwhelming hair creations.

Eva and Derek J return to judge the Check Up from the Neck Up creations, and kick things off with QueenB, who has the model with the gold rash on her neck. Despite some flaws in her braiding technique, Derek J appreciates her “fabulous” belly dancer inspired piece.

Oh boy, QueenB has done a great job again. Sooo surprising. Can’t this woman choke ever?

Derek J’s not as keen on J9’s piece, and J9, who never fails to kiss Derek J’s ass when she has an opportunity, whole heartedly agrees that the last minute glitter she adds to her fluffy pink tower wasn’t good. Some people stand there silently and take it. Others try to argue. Not this eager to please make up whore! She’s on board with your critique all the way!

“Whatever you say, Derek J!”

GQ’s martian inspired hair doesn’t do it for Derek J, which is no real surprise, and Derek J appreciates Bossa Nova’s Native American hair which I think I want to be mildly offended by, not because it’s exploiting First Americans (“Native” American is so old school, Derek J) but because it makes zero sense with the badly contoured make up and turquoise jewels on his model’s face.

Oh yeah. I definitely DON’T see what that make-up has to do with that hair.

Derek J doesn’t like Nostradamus’ hair at all—“it’s a choppy haircut that you added plants too”—but I’m annoyed because there are never really any consequences when one bomb’s the Check Up from the Neck Up so it doesn’t mean that Nostradamus is going anywhere.

Nice work, Nostradamus! JUST KIDDING!

Derek J loves Mz H20’s geisha inspired hair and wonders where the hell “this” Mz H20 has been. Finally!

Mz H20 finally cranks something out that Derek J doesn’t totally hate.

Blondie tries to brag that she’s looked at the pictures in a National Geographic before—I said “looked,” I didn’t say “read”—and was inspired to make a tribal look, riffing off the image of those people with those plates in their lips. I see a bicycle falling out of the sun. I don’t see a lip with a plate in it. But Derek J thinks Blondie has done a good job.

“This one time, in National Geographic…”

But Derek J definitely doesn’t think Atomic has done a good job. No one really could though, when it looks like a golden ice cream cone is upside down in the middle of Atomic’s model’s head and what looks to be eight clown wigs of varying colors are bound together at the cone’s base. Atomic doesn’t even really bother to sell it because he knows it’s such a sad state of affairs.

yeah…no….

Yet somehow he’s not in the bottom! Instead it’s GQ and Nostradamus who Derek J deems the worst—why does Eva smile and seem so pleased about that?—and Blondie and Mz H20 who are in the top. And Mz H20 wins and everyone seems genuinely happy for her. The win is “food for my spirit” Mz H20 says, which is a bit worrisome because it means she has been hellbent on starving her spirit all season thus far.

Mz H20 finally showed up for work! Huzzah!

Eva gives Mz H20 the Dryer Down card as her prize for winning and says that actually Mz H20 can give the card to two stylists, as if she had just come up with the idea.

For this Glam Slam, you’ll be working in pairs Eva tells the stylists and Blondie utters the bitchiest “great” possible because, as she tells us, she “hates working with other people.” Love that team player spirit, Blondie!

Eva tells the stylists they have to create fantasy hair inspired by popular TV shows. The cards are a gun, a mouth with fanged teeth dripping blood, scotch or something similar on the rocks and a red high heel so I think it’ll be Law & Order, True Blood, Intervention and Diary of a Call Girl. Yeah…wait for it.

Eva tells the stylists that two people will get eliminated this week and everyone freaks.

But before they can dwell on it for too long, QueenB picks the teams. First she teams Bossa Nova with GQ and pits them against J9 and Atomic. Eva enthusiastically shouts “that’s gonna be fun!” in her corniest man voice possible.

Apparently Atomic and J9 are chummy now and J9 explains that they have a love hate relationship and what that means. “I hate him but I love him.” THANK YOU FOR THE CLARIFICATION J9!

QueenB puts Mz H20 with Blondie, leaving her to partner up with Nostradamus. Nostradamus outlines a big happy, cheesy smile on his face to indicate he’s annoying happy.

The stylists choose their cards based on the images and it turns out Mz H20 and Blondie don’t have True Blood but they have Buffy The Vampire Slayer…which, okay…that would still be relevant if this were 2003.

It gets a bit worse and more obscure when it turns out that the gun image J9 and Atomic chose means that they have Charlie’s Angels.

The cocktail picture Nostradmus and QueenB choose actually represents Mad Men. Nostradamus swears he knows absolutely nothing about Mad Men because apparently he has been living under a rock. Which would explain why he thinks it’s okay to still have awkward buttery chunk highlights in your hair.

GQ and Bossa Nova chose the red pump which apparently stands for Sex and the City. Bossa Nova thinks it was “meant to be” because it’s “all about sex” and he “really knows what a woman likes” and…well…he doesn’t tell us on-screen but he has really always identified as a “Miranda.”

I’m a Miranda!!

Eva introduces the male models and tells the stylists they are going to be putting them in drag. Oh boy.

She then introduces this week’s guest judge B Scott who rips open the doors, and sashays in in a Kimono! Finally a guest judge who isn’t a bitch (we haven’t forgotten about your antics, Ms Aubrey O’Day) or a robot! B Scott mixes a little bit of sass with a little bit of sternness and finishes it off with a playful smile (which makes Bossa Nova blush a little) and Eva sends the stylists off to a drag show.

The drag show is…kind of awkward, and not just because it’s during the daytime or in a restaurant. One queen screams into a microphone, another comes out and does a spin on stage and a third comes out, pretends to lick Atomic and death drops on the stage. And that’s the whole drag “show.”

Back in the salon, the stylists get to work. Bossa Nova is taping up GQ and GQ doesn’t look like he trusts him entirely. Always one with a sex-focused comment, J9 remarks that it looks like “a bondage session.” Take my word for it J9, that is NOT what a bondage session looks like, k?

Kinky!

Anyhow, GQ pretends he’s nervous but you can tell he’s secretly so excited he’s being bound up by Bossa Nova that we can almost see his nipples get hard through the tape.

Atomic’s bossing J9 around, being generally condescending and telling her to move her ass, and J9’s swearing at Atomic and threatening him, but according to Atomic, this is them working “really well” together.

QueenB says that because they did a lot of smoking and a lot of drinking in the sixties, they are going to make their Mad Men inspired drag queen look like a secretary who just slept under her desk after a particularly wild lunch break. Well, QueenB never describes anything so playfully or colorfully so she wouldn’t exactly put it in those terms. But since she is pretty solid when it comes to creativity, and since Nostradamus is apparently as talented as he is annoying, it’s a safe bet that their piece will be good.

Mz H20 and Blondie are working together and it seems that Mz H20 is making her own “executive decisions.” Blondie scolds her for it—by now, the only people blondie hasn’t scolded on the show are Derek J and Eva—but then figures eh, it’s Mz H20’s name on the wings so if it’s bad, it’s her ass, not Blondie’s.

Maybe next time we should leave the “executive decisions” to the “executives,” eh?

Back at Atomic and J9’s table, Atomic is still berating J9 but J9 tells us she lets him feel like he’s in control when really she’s doing whatever she wants. Oh J9, you sneaky little devil!

Mz H20 hands the Dryer Down card to Nostradamus and QueenB and Blondie’s delighted that it feels like Nostradamus is getting what he deserves for giving her the Hand Down card on a previous episode. Blondie, come on now. True revenge would be using one of those glue guns you have nearby to paste a hair muzzle over Nostradamus’ mouth, plus you’d be a hero in everyone else’s eyes too!

Finally, we get to the Glam Slam and Eva apparently has lost her mind and thinks she’s RuPaul and hosting RuPaul’s Drag Race. But, dressed like a drag queen, it makes Eva’s over-the-top delivery, eye rolls and excessive shoulder shrugging make sense. The glitter she has rubbed all over her arms makes no sense though, unless she got ready thinking she was attending her middle school prom again.

Is that you, RuPaul??

Eva introduces the man and the camera cuts to…cuts to….I seriously don’t know what that look is on Derek J. 99 cent store gender-confused Hobo Clown? Little Orphan Tranny? A giant felt top hat with a sparkly bow and side tuft of lace, long dangling earrings, lashes, lip gloss, and a silver, multi-colored sports coat? Oh no, honey. This man is going to be judging people??? BWAHAHAHA!

Taylor Jacobson is back—yay?—and B Scott is here, representing as the first guest judge who has actually had their hair styled. For a hair show. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Tell that to the first three judges. B Scott smiles and shrugs casually like “oh this ol’ hair? Took five minutes.” As if, sister friend!

The Three Fs: Fierce, Frigid and FAIL!

J9 and Atomic bring out their Charlie’s Angel-inspired hair model and the hair kind of makes sense. There’s a halo, wings, and a vault that opens, which is all good until you notice the weird pink boa on the model. But whatever, it’s ultimately about the hair.

Yeah, that boa? Not really helping the look.

J9 feels they did pretty well and tells us so in a little aside filmed after the Glam Slam. She’s also wearing her little top hat hair accessory again and I can’t figure out if it’s because it’s wear your top hat to work day or if she’s just trying to show Derek J that one can still wear a top hat and make it look embarrassing but it doesn’t need to look embarrassing AND really cheap, like you  just stole it off a sleeping homeless clown.

GQ and Bossa Nova bring out their model and he’s wearing a Statue of Liberty shaped piece with a red bra made out of hair hanging on it. The statue actually looks pretty good but everyone is distracted because Bossa Nova is shirtless and just wearing a very skinny black tie. It’s definitely an awkward look. It’s even more awkward when the drag queen model drops it like it’s hot on Bossa Nova’s crotch after he throws him onto the floor of the ring.

Bossa Nova’s new girlfriend!

Derek J likes almost everything about Atomic and J9’s piece, even if it is busy, but ultimately likes Bossa Nova’s piece a bit more because it’s technically a tad stronger.

Taylor approves of the Charlie’s Angel hair and for the most part appreciates the outfit J9 and Atomic put on their model. But she’s not on board with Bossa Nova and GQ’s look and gives her vote to the former duo.

Before giving the deciding vote, B Scott stands up and grabs a handful of Bossa Nova’s jumping man pecs. Oh Bossa Nova, you thought you could work that body for a win, didn’t you.

From left to right: Disrespecting Farrah Fawcett’s memory, another bad boa, man-maries, and booo–ring.

But taking his seat again, B Scott tells the Bossa Nova/GQ team that their look is a little “New York prostitution” and gives the win to Atomic and J9, making the other team “Hair Don’ts.” Nice try, Bossa Nova. The make up whore beats out the man whore!

Hey pretty lady!

The next set of duos take the stage and Nostradamus is trying to pass as a woman in a dress and a wig, not really over the top traditional drag exactly, and QueenB is dressed as a drag king. Eva screams like someone just punted a baby across the stage but it’s really because all of her sexual desires dried up just like that when she spotted Nostradamus in his red trench.

Blondie and Mz H20 give a strong performance but the coolest part of their entire hair piece is a small coffin centered in the middle of the hair. Other than that it’s just meh…not the best look we’ve seen this season so far.

Yeah, this was inspired by Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not inspired by someone getting dumped on Valentine’s Day…coulda fooled me!

Queen B and Nostradmus’ has a lit cigarette in it, a thumb tack and what appears to be a tie thrown into the same hair QueenB presented the week before for her Labradoodle-inspired hair. Nice try, Queen. After their presentation, Nostradamus does a death drop on stage, like the drag queen did at the drag show the stylists went to. I was shocked. Not because he dared attempt a death drop but because Nostradamus is actually a worse looking drag queen than the really masculine looking boys the stylists had to put into drag.

A black and red tangle of hair faces off against a recycled wig with a cigarette stuck in it.

B Scott is not loving Queen B and Nostradamus’ piece. He thinks it looks like a “hair monster…it looks like two caterpillars are having sex. They’re mating! This is Hair Battle, not National Geographic, sorry!” Burn! Blondie must have been thrilled someone else is familiar with National Geographic and that she can be in on the joke because she’s flipped through all those magazines (and is the owner of an admirably sized collection of caterpillar porn.) On top of that, she and Mz H20 receive B Scott’s vote.

Taylor, isn’t so into Blondie and Mz H20’s look and thinks the duo’s performance was better than their look. Sorry girls.

Who’s the most uncomfortable on this stage? It’s seriously a toss up.

Derek J isn’t wild about the vampire look either. In fact, regarding Mz H20’s weaving on the back of the piece he snaps his fingers and says “hated it! Mmm mm!”

Derek J loves the other team’s creation but he does call out QueenB for repeating the hair style from the week before. But apparently that’s not a punishable enough offense because he declares QueenB and Nostradamus the “Hair Dos.” Ugh. Another week of these two winning. Borrrring.

The stylists reconvene backstage to discuss the judges feedback and their surprise and before they return to the ring J9 says “May the best win and may the worst lose.” Oh J9. This was the brilliant girl we were missing the week before. That is really so profound. Go make up whore, go!

Back in the ring, Derek J declares Nostradamus the winner. Oh Christ. “I’m starting to finally believe that I’m a good stylist,” Nostradamus says, and I roll my eyes so hard I think the left one might have dislocated.

The pretty lady on the left wins again.

Cutting the “Hair Don’ts,” Taylor tells Bossa Nova he is safe.

Then Derek J cuts GQ and after reminding Mz H20 that he had promised that he would cut her if she was a “Hair Don’t,” he gives her the boot.

Thankfully, before she goes, Mz H20 gives us the classic reality show contestant “This is absolutely not the last time you’ve seen me” line. Seeing that we’ve seen so much of the contestants from last season of Hair Battle Spectacular, I won’t hold my breath.

Next week it seems the drama between Atomic and J9 has diffused and shifted to Blondie and Atomic. “If only you could do hair as well as you talk shit,” Blondie says about Atomic and then slaps his face when he talks smack about her kid. Finally real drama!