Hair Battle Spectacular: Off With Their Headpieces

Week five of Hair Battle Spectacular and only six contestants left!

We find the stylists at their loft, per usual, and Nostradamus and QueenB are chatting it up, discussing who Nostradamus wants in the bottom three. J9 and Atomic are on the couch when Atomic tells the red-headed wonder that he’d like to face off against Blondie in the upcoming Glam Slam because he “hates” her. J9 objects and says “Atomic, that’s ridiculous and you’re just talking like that because the cameras are here…” oh wait, no she doesn’t! Instead she gives a little half smile because she’s too busy contemplating what her next hair accessory is. She’s already had to recycle that little top hat and hair bow a couple of times so you know she’s got to think exxxxtra hard about her next look.

Don’t worry, Atomic and J9 aren’t in a fight. Both of their invisible boyfriends are sitting between them.

Back in the salon, Eva comes in to greet the stylists and woah! Ms. Marcille has a head wrap on, with a giant blue knot at the top of her head. Maybe someone didn’t have time to do her hair this morning? Seriously, what is it with the judges and hosts on this show not having their hair done? Does no one on the production team of the show see the sick irony in this? Not only did she not have enough time to fix her hair up all pretty, it appears she also still didn’t have enough time to sneak in a few new legitimate acting classes because she’s just as overly dramatic and animated as ever.

“Would one of you please do my hair?”

Eva introduces Derek J who walks in in his heels–of course–looking very proud, and Eva tells the stylists that this week’s Check Up from the Neck Up challenge requires them to create a fantasy hair design that “says the perfect [Eva pauses] story [Eva pauses again] about [Eva pauses again] the [Eva pauses again] perfect [yup, Eva pauses again] date.” The designs have to “scream passion and ooze desire” –which ew, sounds a little messy, and they have to include one of the 99 cent store props sitting on nearby shelves.

The prize for the challenge is the “Braids” card, which when the winner hands it to another stylist, that stylist has to create their entire piece out of braids, which are very heavy and time consuming. Derek J also threatens the stylists with another twist but says he’ll wait an hour before telling the stylists because the producers are desperate to create some sense of drama.

“I’m holding out on y’all!”

Well, he doesn’t say that. But someone in production must have realized that to people who aren’t fantasy hair stylists, the idea of watching someone hand out a “Braids” card really doesn’t sound too scary or exciting.

The stylists begin picking the props they will need to illustrate their perfect date night. J9 tells us she’s having trouble choosing because her perfect date night props would include “blood, guts and maybe like a severed head.” Realizing she’s going to have to come up with something, J9 says she’s going to be “pulling it out of my ass and hoping it smells pretty.”

This is actually J9′s expression when she’s pulling something pretty-smelling out of her ass.

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present my nominee for 2012’s Poet Laureate for the United States….Ms J9!

What kills me is that I just know someone like J9 has constant boyfriends, maybe juggling two at a time or something. Maybe I should throw out my dreams of exchanging Eskimo kisses, promise rings and breathy “I wuv yous” and start talking more like this if I want to start snagging some more tail.

As the stylists are working, Atomic asks the room who they think has the most experience dating. Blondie says that she does because she has been married for ten years. Ten years!?!? Blondie, who is the feisty, can’t-be-censored sassmouth of the house gets a man to stick around for ten years and I know sweet, soft spoken more-than-happy-to-put-out girls who can’t get a guy to even return a phone call after a date? Again, clearly the Hair Battle Spectacular girls are showing us that we’re doing it all wrong.

Determined to win this challenge, Blondie ripped some of her own extensions out and incorporated them into her piece….kidding…maybe.

Atomic disagrees with Blondie, J9 chimes in and says that she disagrees too. (Sorry, forgot to mention that J9 looks like she’s wearing a maid’s outfit that she had the producers pick up at the 99 cent store for her when they were purchasing props.)

Atomic tells us that he likes to get to people, get in their head and mess up their game. Interesting because Atomic has been trying to do this with Blondie and J9 for weeks but instead the stylists he has virtually ignored have gone home.

“I think marriage is just a poor excuse just to call someone your husband,” Atomic says, which appears to offend pretty much everyone in the room.

Who needs a husband when you’ve got a perfectly fine mannequin head to share a bed with?

Derek J comes in to reveal the twist and apparently all of the stylists need to rotate stations and complete the hair piece started by another stylist. QueenB is pissed because she had been so productive and moves over to Atomic’s station where apparently he has been spending more time talking smack and less time actually working on his hair.

Nostradamus moves over the to rat’s nest Bossa Nova had stuck a popcorn box into and tries to salvage what he can do for the piece within the hour.

Gooooood luck with that!

Bossa Nova moves to J9’s piece which looks like a cloud of white and blue cotton balls with a record glued to the side of it. Bossa Nova tells us that he doesn’t think he and J9 have the same style. Um, duh. But I’d get a really good laugh if Bossa Nova decided to start wearing little mini top hats on his hair like J9 does.

This cluster of clouds is a meteorologist’s nightmare…and Bossa Nova’s too.

J9’s lucky because she has moved over on to QueenB’s almost complete creation, and Atomic is extremely excited because he gets to complete Blondie’s piece and brag loudly about it while he does.

Nostradamus, who this week has dialed down the eager-beaver-ego he was suffocating us with the week before, sagely tells us that Atomic probably doesn’t like Blondie because she’s a strong competitor and thus likely scared of her. This confirms our suspicions that Atomic is better at trash talking and figuring out what are the most embarrassing and least discrete places on his body to place tattoos than he is at actually doing fantasy hair.

Does that blue diamond on his neck taste like blueberries? Can I give it a lick and find out?

Derek J and Eva return to judge the pieces, and this Check Up from the Neck Up seems to have thrown several of the stylists for a loop. Though Bossa Nova struggled to make J9’s his own and presentable, J9 appeared to be able to put her own personal J9 stamp on QueenB’s and received good feedback from Derek J. Nostradamus, who had complained that he had little to work with when Bossa Nova handed over his station, also seemed to be unable to turn Bossa Nova’s popcorn centered rats’ nest around. It just looks rattier and greyer, and Nostradamus doesn’t seem too shocked by Derek J’s underwhelmed feedback.

You know when you put your popcorn on the floor of a movie theater and a giant dust bunny gets stuck to the bottom of it? Yeah…

Derek J likes how Blondie kept Nostradmus’ piece simple but good, and Nostradamus agrees—partially because he made the base of the piece and partially because he’s apparently feeling generous this week.

QueenB’s piece, that was handed over to her from Atomic, was obviously a “lemon” when she got it, says Derek J, but sometimes “you gotta make lemonade out of lemons…and you just kinda made some lemon juice.” So she’s missing the artificial sweetener? That was the best witticism you could come up with DJ?

This is lemon juice, not lemonade. Don’t get it twisted.

Atomic apparently ruined Blondie’s concept, and Derek J lets him know just that. Atomic tries to claim more responsibility for what parts he actually did, but Blondie jumps in to correct him…a move that seems a little ballsy and unprecedented, as there is no telling how Derek J will react to that or if Eva will be annoyed she’s not at the center of the drama. But Derek J and Eva seem to not be bothered by Blondie chiming in, and instead just stand there while Blondie and Atomic argue back and forth. “I think it looks like a hot mess,” Blondie says in front of everyone. “Like you,” Atomic answers. Um, awkward!!

Which is the hotter mess? This? Or….

This?

Nostradamus and Atomic are in the bottom and Derek J says it’s because Nostradamus couldn’t turn Bossa Nova’s piece around and Atomic couldn’t capitalize on the good pieces that Blondie gave him. Atomic’s annoyed and feels uncomfortable in the bottom; Nostradamus is equally irritated because he thinks Blondie’s benefitting from the work he did on the piece that she ended up presenting. Yup. That’s right. She is! But J9’s piece wins and graciously she thanks QueenB for contributing as much as she did when she started the piece.

Yes, it is what it looks like. J9 is actually three feet tall.

For the Glam Slam, Eva tells the stylists that they will be creating a fantasy hair design based on a modern day Marie Antoinette and that they need to create a masquerade mask and make something that can be worn to a club. Okay, if some ho wore her fantasy hair to a club and that thing knocked me in the back of the head on the dance floor, I’d snatch that thing off and set it on fire. Fantasy hair on the dance floor? Don’t think so.

Eva introduces the guest judge for the week, celebrity wig master Terrence Davidson! Terrence has apparently done pieces for Nicki Minaj, and he seems likeable, fun, and a little bit tasty.

Apparently everyone gets to wear a hat on a hair show. Lame. Two opportunities for some un-beweave-able looks here totally squandered.

Nostradamus announces the Glam Slam opponents and there’s nothing too surprising about it since we had already overheard him telling QueenB who he was going to pair up. When he says that he wants Blondie to face off against Atomic, she tells us that she knows Atomic is scared of her. Atomic doesn’t admit to that, but he does tell us in his gentlemanly way, “I want nothing more than to get this bitch out of here.”

Back at the loft, the stylists are talking about the day and toast with cocktails. Well five of them toast, but Blondie appears to be sitting back and not participating. When talk turns to how badly Atomic fared in the Check Up to the Neck Up evaluation, Atomic blames it on Blondie butting in. Atomic tells Blondie she doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut, Blondie fights back, telling Atomic that it would be nice if he could do hair as well as he talks sh*t. Which actually, is kind of nice because she’s basically admitting that Atomic is a good sh*t talker. Honestly, I don’t see it. He’s a reliable sh*t talker, that’s for sure. Outrageous? At times. But clever? Or really good? Definitely not.

Still arguing!

The other stylists look SO uncomfortable and Atomic continues to rip into Blondie, telling her she’s “fake trash.” Uh oh, not the “T” word! Because having tattoos on one’s neck is soooo classy?? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE tattoos, and think they can be really beautiful and elegant, but I think if you took a poll, the majority of people would say a neck tattoo isn’t exactly the epitome of class. And Atomic had called J9’s work trashy looking the week prior, so we have to take “Original” off the list of descriptors we’d use for Atomic too since he’s apparently running out of insults.

Blondie tells us in a teary-eyed aside that there’s only so much she can take and that the other stylists are always coming at her. I’m a little surprised that this is Blondie’s second time crying on the show, and okay, this sort of serves as confirmation that she’s not the prettiest crier. She’s sniffling, tugging her eyelashes, wiping her nose, swearing and telling us she’s a “f***ing human.” But even though Blondie isn’t one to back down from an argument and often can allow battles to escalate, I still can’t help but feel a little badly for her. Getting called “trash” isn’t the worst, but feeling like no one likes you or has your back when you’re one of the final six left in the house? Probably not the best feeling. Bossa Nova jumps in the pool in his clothes to try and diffuse the tension and everyone laughs, but Blondie sulks in the background, looking like she’s contemplating if she can kill Atomic in his sleep and avoid having the crew catch it on film.

Imma get him…

Back in the salon the next day, the stylists are at work, and J9 hands out the “Braids” card to Blondie. Blondie tells us J9 is “an idiot” and made a “dumb move” because Blondie does braids. Blondie thinks that J9 should have given it to Nostradamus, her competitor in the Glam Slam, and Nostradamus even agrees it was a “dumb move.” Oh J9! Definitely not the best strategist! And the work that she’s doing, even though she’s making it in her “bright place” and while she’s happy, looks really crazy messy, like an avalanche of hair with bits of orange chucked into it. Worse, is when she tells the Wardrobe and Makeup stylists that she wants her model to be in a one-piece bathing suit with a train in the back because “Marie Antoinette is known for posing in her underwear.” Even if you never took a single history class, you can tell by the visiting stylists’ expressions that J9’s plan is majorly whack. J9 explains “I’m very sunny today,” which makes me assume that when she says “sunny” that it’s code for “drunk.”

Atomic asks another one of those open questions to the room, in the same way he asked everyone before who they think has the most experience dating. “Has anybody really thought that this could be the last time we’re here?”

“I have a question….”

Blondie clearly hasn’t learned her lesson about when not to chime in. Maybe there was some truth to Atomic saying Blondie doesn’t know when to keep her mouth shut?? Sistergirl, each time Atomic asks a question to the room, WHY MUST YOU ANSWER IT KNOWING HE’S GOING TO COME FOR YOU?

Blondie of course says she thinks she’s not going home. Atomic reminds Blondie how many times she has been in the bottom and how many times he hasn’t been. “So I don’t like Blondie. I’m going to say what I need to say to her and I’m going to get everything off my chest that’s going to bring down her game,” Atomic tells us.

“Why are you here? You can’t do hair,” Atomic tells Blondie.

“You’re just a bitch that looks for drama,” Blondie tells him. Blondie, dear! You insinuated Camouflage was a bitch and now you’re telling Atomic he’s a bitch? Come on girl, you don’t have any better barbs in that arsenal of yours?

“Wait, don’t you do weddings?” Atomic asks. “So you can’t really do hair, you just do up-dos.” And the back-and-forth continues as the rest of the stylists alternate from looking bored and looking uncomfortable.

But things take a different turn once Atomic tosses out “It’s sad to see where your kids are gonna go too” and that’s when Mama Blondie flips.

IT’S ON!!!

Blondie steams across the room, picks up a hair spray bottle, hurls it Atomic (good throw, bitch) and says “Don’t talk about my f***ing son.” QueenB gives a look like “is this really happening right now?” (Queen’s always good for those looks.)

Blondie gets up in Atomic’s face and he encourages her: “Hit me. Hit me.” Blondie says a few more “say something about my son” testing Atomic and Atomic says a few more “hit me”s and “get out of my face”s and then Blondie calls him a bitch again. Okay girl, we get it. He’s a bitch. But isn’t he also a pr*ck, an a**hole, a co***ucker, a mother***er, a piece of sh**, a bast**d, a cu*t? Come on girlfriend, use your words.

Atomic says “I’m not going to hit a little girl,” but before he even has a chance to, POW! Blondie socks him in the side of the head and walks away and calls him a bitch again.

Blondie admits that she didn’t handle the situation very smoothly and then for the first time, it seems the rest of the stylists actually have something to say. Bossa Nova wakes up from his hibernative state and says “I can’t believe she smacked you.” QueenB corrects Bossa Nova with “She punched him.” Nostradamus, who previously seemed like he wasn’t on Team Blondie either says that he can understand why Blondie went bonkers because Atomic got a little too personal. Bossa Nova claims he gets so distracted by the discord, that he forgets to make the required mask for the Glam Slam.

Finally, it’s time for the Glam Slam. Oh Eva. You’re so pretty. But why this wet looking hair? Why the odd semi-slutty dress someone’s mother-in-law would be wearing to a wedding? Eva tells the audience what the Glam Slam theme is and tries to pretend she can speak French by littering her opening speech with French phrases…spoken in an Italian accent.

“Oui, je parle Italiano…oops…damn it.”

Eva introduces the judges and it’s actually the best the judging panel has ever looked. Derek J’s wearing what appears to be a woman’s blazer that’s a bit too small for him and a bit of a repeat from a look we’ve seen on him before. However, anything is better than his melting homeless transvestite clown from the week before. Taylor Jacobson is almost unrecognizable because her hair is COMBED and STYLED. And then there’s the kind of sexy guest judge Terrence Davidson who doesn’t look as 100% sexy as he did earlier but still is looking pretty fine. Probably at like 95%.

Hot…Most Improved…Better Than Last Week…and then…um..Meemaw? Is that you?

It is a little sad when they misspell Terrence’s name on the bottom of the screen as “Terrance” but then I realized they probably got the show’s editor on the same trip to the 99 cent store when they bought the Check Up from the Neck Up props and J9’s knock-off maid dress.

First out to compete is J9 versus Nostradamus. J9’s piece is very busy, a result of what J9 says happens when she’s working in her “happy place.” Apparently her happy place is where 10 blonde Playboy Playmates are scalped, have their hair thrown into a pile and then have a bunch of random origami-looking creatures and ribbons pinned into the pile. While J9’s lacks structure and organization, Nostradamus’ is tightly wound, like a really thick Q-tip.

The Hodge Podge vs. The Turban.

Derek J likes J9’s piece from the front and hates it in the back. He also likes Nostradamus’ but he thinks it misses the Marie Antoinette mark and seems a bit turban-y. So Derek J gives his vote to J9.

Taylor likes Nostradamus’ but isn’t feeling J9’s, which just looks like a “hodge podge” to her. Then, to break it down, in case anyone didn’t understand what “hodge podge” means, Taylor points to Nostradamus’ model and says “she’s getting laid,” and says “she’s not,” pointing to J9’s model. Nice, Taylor. Thanks for that.

After Taylor gives Nostradamus her vote, Terrance gives his feedback and also votes for Nostradamus, making J9 the first “Hair Don’t” of the evening.

Bossa Nova and QueenB battle it out next, and both stylists have pretty solid pieces, although Derek J quickly calls out Bossa Nova for not making a mask for his model. Derek J asks “where the f*** is your mask” and says that because Bossa Nova didn’t make a mask for his model, Derek J can’t even judge his piece. Oh Jesus.

Mask-less!

Derek J thinks Queen B’s piece is “fabilis” which, okay, as much as I don’t want to admit it because QueenB is always in the top, it is. It’s dripping in pearls, it’s artfully tucked and shaped and Derek J gives her his vote.

Fabilis!

Taylor looks like her feelings are hurt by Bossa Nova’s piece and even after Bossa Nova makes a sort of flaccid excuse about why he chose such un-Marie Antoinette colors, Taylor still votes for QueenB. Once again, QueenB is a “Hair Do.” Really?? Nostradamus and QueenB in the top again? Can we even consider this a competition anymore?

QueenB’s expression says “I got this…”

Blondie and Atomic take the stage – the battle everyone has been looking forward to—and bring out their models. Atomic’s look like Queen B could have made it with her feet. Honestly. There are random bangs hanging down, chains wrapped around the body of the piece, and random swirls of blonde and purple. After seeing the tight structures rendered by Nostradamus, Bossa Nova and Queen B, this just looks…well, a little depressed.

Marie Antoinette…is that you? Nope…

Blondie’s turn and her model comes out with Blondie’s braided piece. Blondie uses the time allotted to her to describe her piece to instead talk smack about Atomic and finishes with “a bitch just got executed on stage.” A bitch?!? Again with the bitch talk? Eva seems so excited to hear the word bitch though and barks like a seal and claps. I’m not sure what I’m looking at, looking at Blondie’s piece. I don’t see the Marie Antoinette aspect to it. I see a half broken purple water glass, or the basin of a volcano. Maybe even what I imagine it looks like after I empty out the blackheads in my T-zone. But Marie Antoinette? Not so much.

Before giving his feedback, Derek J pretends he’s going to help the two feuding stylists and says “let’s address the tension here” as if the producers hadn’t told him Blondie punched Atomic or that Atomic has been repeatedly going after Blondie.

Tension?? What tension??

Atomic says “I actually feel great.” Blondie lies and says “yeah,” and just like that Derek J moves on, like it’s all resolved. Great conflict resolution skills, boo.

Derek J thinks Atomic’s piece looks like “a drag queen gone bad” and like “no work was put into it” and commends Blondie for constructing her whole piece out of braids. Derek says it was very clear to him that he has to go with Blondie. Terrence offers his feedback next and says in his own sweet way that Atomic’s piece isn’t a finished look and looks like a piece that he had just pulled out of his bag and hadn’t worked on yet. He likes Blondie’s, but still offers her some constructive feedback, though no one every actually says, um, what is this supposed to be Blondie? And once Terrence gives Blondie his vote, it puts the sassy mouthed girl from Connecticut in the “Hair Dos” and Atomic in the “Hair Don’ts.”

When all the “Hair Dos” are brought out on stage, QueenB is declared the winner. Again. Snooze.

Sigh…QueenB wins…again.

When the “Hair Don’ts” are brought back out, Taylor tells J9 she is safe. Now, down to just Bossa Nova and Atomic, Derek J cuts the latter and thus gives Blondie the last laugh..well…at least for now.

Someone apparently doesn’t have that much sh*t talking to do when he’s in the bottom two!

Atomic promises us that we’ll see him again and gives us the classic “this isn’t the last you’ve heard of Atomic” line. But if he isn’t naked the next time we see him, I don’t really care. What, I can think he’s a jerk…or in Blondie’s overused terms, a “bitch,” but still want to tear into him like a sexy piece of Beef Jerky, can’t I?