Hair Battle Spectacular: The Hair Is Back (But Brooke Burke Isn’t)

***You asked for it, and we delivered! Please welcome your newest recapper to the fold, BrodeoPony!

Hair Battle Spectacular is back! The whole reason you were looking forward to this season is because this show was coming back! Or was it that other show about all those really hungry, horny vampires?

Anyhow, everyone’s favorite “fantasy hair” show on Oxygen has returned—that’s probably a safer claim—with a whole new cast of colorful characters who have nicknames that sound like they were handed out by Flavor Flav.

Brenda’s nickname is Mz H2O…because she’s smooth like water!  <groan> Kirby’s is Nostradamus…because he can predict he’s going to win! <double groan>

Please tell us that’s not your sexy face, Mz H20.

Gabriel is GQ! Bethany is QueenB! Kristin is Dimples! Spencer is Camouflage!

Dinise is Bronx…because…wait for it…she’s from the Bronx. Jeannine is J9 and she says that people always underestimate her because she’s little cute and innocent but she wants us to know that she’s not and she’s going to “burn this motherf’er down!” This probably marks the first time you’ve ever been threatened with this by a woman wearing a mini top hat. Kind of undermines one’s credibility as a bad-ass.

Who, me??

Alessandro is Bossa Nova…because in Brazil “Bossa Nova” means smooth! Wow, two “smooth” contestants already? You know what that’s going to mean! (That the producers got lazy?) J9 helpfully lets us know that Bossa Nova’s butt “looks like butter” yet oddly she relays this information less like Mike Myers’ Linda Richman did on Saturday Night Live, and more with a matter-of-fact tone. So does that mean it’s cold and rectangular-shaped? Not good for your health? Salted or unsalted? Hmm.

Tyler’s nickname is Atomic, though it should really be Diamond, since when he’s on screen, all you can do is stare at the giant diamond tattooed on the middle of his neck. Although on this show they’d probably insist on spelling it in the most irritating form possible, something like “Die-Minnz” or “Dye-Mintz.”

Well, that’s certainly a look…

After we meet all the contestants the doors open again and we are reunited with host Brooke Burke! WAIT, WHERE IS BROOKE BURKE?!?!

Instead our new host is winner of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 3 Eva “don’t call me Eva Pigford” Marcille, who reminds us she has been in a lot of movies, several TV shows, and with a few shrugs and dramatic poses, already displays more expression than Brooke did in all of Season One.

Brooke, you look..um..different.

The doors open again and it’s a pair of disembodied shoes in heels! Eek! Wait, no, it’s judge Derek J! Derek and Eva tell all the stylists it’s time for the first challenge: Check Up from the Neck Up, where the contestants can compete for immunity and the privilege of choosing who gets paired up later for the Glam Slam.

Each of the contestants then picks a celebrity and is told that the hair they design will have to be inspired by the celebrities’ tweets…not to try to make the competition painfully modern and hip or anything.

Everyone seems to get the celebrity they want, although Blondie looks a tad confused when she selects Ashley Tisdale, and Dimples, though she doesn’t get to choose first, happily announces that she’s going to pick her old boss, Katy Perry, in case you missed it when she let everyone know in her intro that she styled Katy’s hair for the “California Gurls” video.

Dimples: “Katy Perry Katy Perry Katy Perry Katy Perry!!”

Oops, two more guidelines from Eva, in case the challenge didn’t seem ridiculous enough; the styles have to be three feet high and completed in 2.5 hours. Thanks Eva!

The stylists get to work and it’s already clear who’s excelling and who is bombing. Bronx, who chose Ashton Kutcher (?!?!) has this tweet for her inspiration: “Hate it when I show up at a party and someone is wearing the same outfit.” Bronx tells us that she’s going to create “Ashton Kutcher walking into the club scene with a blazer on and the other member wearing the same as Ashton Kutcher and in a bubble on top of his head, you know, the jacket he was thinking of.” Um, what?

Also flailing is Blondie, who is freaking out and says she’s bombing and totally overwhelmed because she’s a perfectionist.

Blondie: “Ta da! I’m done!”

When the time is up, Derek J and Brooke Eva check out what each stylist has come up with. Camouflage’s 50-cent inspired hair looks like a yellowing, dying palm tree with a trunk made out of garlic cloves. Derek isn’t feeling it. But Derek is feeling Nostradamus’ Alicia Keys-inspired creation, Atomic’s P!nk-inspired supermoon hair, and Bossa Nova’s Rihanna-inspired piece.

When Bronx tries to begin explaining why her Ashton Kutcher-inspired piece looks more like a sparking, colorful, hairy mess and less like the Kutcher-walking-into-the- club-scene scenario she had promised us, it causes Eva to look really panicked, as if one of the designers had dropped a hot flatiron into her underwear.

Derek isn’t having any of it and cuts her off as she’s talking because he doesn’t “really know what to say about the piece.” Though Derek’s speechless, J9 has something to say: “Looking at Bronx’s hairy box makes me think she might need a Brazilian.” Brava J9! The first nasty joke of the season, executed with a devilish smile! And then she kills it and adds “…with Bossa Nova” and looks really proud, not realizing that she sabotaged her own dirty joke and no longer made it make sense.

Conjoined hair twins.

Though J9’s own Lady Gaga-inspired wine glass doesn’t impress Derek too much, it’s significantly better than Blondie’s Ashley Tisdale creation which, oh, is non-existent. Blondie tries to claim she didn’t want to present a disaster but Derek tells her it just seems like she’s a quitter. And Blondie seems like she’s about to cry, teasing us with the first tears of the season!

Derek then calls out the best and worst of the group and at this point, Bronx is cradling her hairy box, it’s not even on her model’s head anymore. Derek crowns Bossa Nova as the winner and determined to make her cry, tells Blondie that if it were up to him, she’d be going home right then because she seems like “just a waste of space.” Cut to Blondie crying into the camera.

Bossa Nova wins! Bronx hugs her hairy box in the background.

The contestants are then told it’s time to start thinking about the main challenge, in which they’ll be asked to create hairpieces inspired by their celebrity crushes. Eva introduces this week’s guest judge – someone who knows “everything there is to know about celebrities” – entertainment reporter Kristen Aldridge!!! The stylists clap like they are actually excited but because Kristen has such boring hairstyle, I spend the whole time thinking about what a missed opportunity it was to give her an incredible look instead of listening to her talking about how happy she is to be there.

Look everyone, it’s “celebrity” guest judge Kristen Aldridge!

The stylists are soon all dismissed and get to check out their loft in downtown LA, which everyone seems really excited about. Everyone, that is, except Blondie, who clutches a pillow and looks miserable the whole time her fellow stylists are celebrating and mingling over cocktails.

The next day, the stylists are hard at work, whipping up their celebrity-crush inspired creations, and we learn that each stylist needs to incorporate three things related to their celebrities into their pieces.

Mz H2O’s crush is Will Smith and she’s going to incorporate a castle into her piece as a reference to Big Will’s Fresh Prince of Bel Air past. J9 is going to build “The Price is Right” stage because her celebrity crush is Bob Barker, since he’s so positive. Well that’s one reason he’s her crush. The other reason she finds old men so adorable she explains is because she never had a grandfather. That’s why she also finds Maury Povich “just as cute.” You hear that Connie Chung? J9 is coming for your man!

“Can Connie Chung do this?” J9 asked.

Camouflage apparently has chosen Jay-Z as his celebrity crush, which seems reasonable until he tells the stylist he wants his model to have a Grammy award painted on her face because J would be “very happy with that.” The stylists don’t seem as sure, but then again, what do they know? Obviously Camouflage’s crush has somehow psychically connected him with J-Hova.

Finally the stylists are ready for the Glam Slam, and Eva enters the ring to introduce the judges via a red carpet runway, which she poses on for a throng of fake paparazzi.

Look everyone, it’s Derek J, the “reigning queen” of fantasy hair! And here’s Taylor Jacobson, the celebrity stylist formerly of The Rachel Zoe Project! Somehow they let Taylor into the judge’s chair on a hair battle show looking like someone had combed her locks with a dirty fork. And entertainment reporter Kristen Aldridge is here too! …but her hair is still boring.

Which of the judges has the most boring hair?

The first duo to compete is GQ versus Nostradamus. Nostradamus’ Lady Gaga- inspired hair looks like a chunk of pink wall insulation sitting on a hairy black tabletop, topped with something that looks like it would be the result of a microphone and a fish mating. GQ’s J Lo-inspired creation obviously has singing, acting and glamorous references, but Derek thinks it looks a little rushed. Instead, he feels Nostradamus’ work is “what Hair Battle Spectacular is all about.” Taylor takes issue with GQ’s styling of his model—as if J Lo would ever wear something like that!—and Nostradamus is declared the first “Hair Do” of the season, making GQ the first “Hair Don’t.”

Nostradamus’ victory fist pump.

Bronx then faces off against Dimples but her 50 Cent-inspired piece is crushed by Dimples’ more cohesive Christina Aguilera-inspired piece. Bronx’s piece looks like creatures have crawled out of the ocean and are scampering above her model’s head. Oh wait, that is a crab…because 50 is a Cancer. And yes, Bronx’s poor model is trying to hold her surf-meets-the-turf structure on her head with her hand.

Whatever is on Bronx’s hair…it’s alive!

Unforunately for Bronx, Dimples hits it home with her Christina Aguilera-inspired look, making Bronx the second “Hair Don’t.”

Bossa Nova is next on stage but he doesn’t even have to face off with anyone because he is safe! His celebrity crush – Demi Moore – leads Bossa Nova to create a globe of cobwebs, because he so admires Demi Moore’s work in Ghost. Eva is shocked, for the 32nd time in the episode. “Wow,” is all she can say in reaction, and one can’t be sure if that’s because she’s overwhelmed with amazement or disappointment. But Derek’s thrilled. He has “no words” for the second time in the episode! But this time it means he loves it. So confusing.

Taylor seems really mad. She’s not getting Demi from this look and she’s definitely not getting that it was inspired by Demi’s role in Ghost. She doesn’t even seem impressed that Bossa Nova played his guitar when he explained his piece. But the joke’s on you Taylor because Bossa Nova has immunity! Hate all you want!

“I’m not going to talk about it, I’m going to sing about it.”

Next, Atomic faces off against Camouflage and his Lindsay Lohan-inspired work trumps Camouflage’s, undoubtedly because Camouflage’s Jay-Z-inspired piece is somehow even more painful to look at than Atomic’s. Atomic puts his model in a white dress with red polka dots, worn over a yellow collared shirt and then builds yellow and red sunglasses on top of a yellow and red turntables. Gross. Yet not as gross as Camoflauge’s mess, which is worn on the head of a model who might be Tilda Swinton. Tilda trots down the runway flanked by fake paparazzi and wears a green hairy dollar sign, what looks like a silver purse, a giant red B and a red heart that says “OY” on it. Oy? And the Grammy on Tilda’s face…yeah…it’s just not doing it.

Tilda, as Jay-Z, hits the runway.

After them, Mz H20’s Will Smith-inspired hair looks like a bouncy house and loses out to QueenB’s Beyonce-inspired work. Even though it looks like QueenB’s piece has a horizontal ice cream cone on it—apparently it’s a Grammy—and though it almost falls off her model’s head when the models are play fighting in the center of the ring, Mz H20’s work still isn’t strong enough.

That’s your homage to Will Smith??

The final duo—Blondie’s Nicki Minaj-inspired hair versus J9’s Bob Barker-inspired hair—brings the big upset of the evening! Blondie’s Harajuku Barbie look beats out J9’s “Price is Right” set, even though the latter’s piece has a wheel that actually spins! But Derek says J9’s looks messy and that the cat she included as an homage to Barker’s reminder to have pets spayed or neutered looks like a skunk instead. Guess when the criticism falls on J9’s own work she doesn’t have any snarky and inappropriate “messy pussy” jokes.

Fake paparazzi can’t get enough of Blondie’s Minaj-inspired ‘do.

All the “Hair Dos” are brought back out on stage and Derek declares Blondie the winner! Blondie’s so happy she could redeem herself and tells us, this is the real her! She’s a winner! Eva reminds Blondie how excited she should be now that she gets to pick next week’s Glam Slam competitors, reiterating her point with several “are- you-as-excited-as-I-am” eyebrow arches, though I bet Blondie would be even more excited if they offered her immunity as well. Oh well.

Derek and the judges dismiss the “Hair Don’ts” from the stage one-by-one until he finally eliminates Bronx and sends her home to…the Bronx. And thus concludes the first whirlwind episode of Hair Battle Spectacular Season Two, finished with a season preview that promises lots of dancing, dogs on the runway, male toplessness, and several “who is that again?” guest judges.