Hair Battle Spectacular: Who Let The Dogs Out?

It’s week three of Hair Battle Spectacular and once again we start with the stylists recapping the previous episode’s Glam Slam results. There’s a lot of back-patting and woe-is-Dimples talk, and Camouflage says that “everyone’s a strong competitor” (um, nope) before he makes the episode’s first official mention of the $100,000 prize money.

J9 readdresses her conviction that it’s a battle of the sexes and mentions her gender-based paranoia again (two episodes in a row, people) when she tells the guys that it’s apparent to her that they are trying to get all the girls eliminated.

“We’re not trying to, it’s just happening, you know?” points out Atomic. And then he adds “weaker species.”

Okay, so maybe J9’s paranoia isn’t totally unjustified. However, there really can’t be any rational justification for J9’s choice to wear a fake yellow bird in her hair to match the yellow dress she has on, a matching feat only topped by the fact that her red hair matches her red shoes, which match her red lipstick.

In a sea of grey, this ketchup-n-mustard colored outfit stands out.

J9’s not always the most eloquent, but her response to Atomic’s assessment is a straightforward reminder that she whooped Atomic’s ass in the last Glam Slam and that none of the judges voted for his hair-tastrophe.

J9’s tells us that she is proud she has destroyed Atomic’s ego and that she plans to “torture it throughout the competition.” Blondie tells J9 that her strategy should now be to get one of the boys out. Um, hi, ladies, if you’re going to strategize, maybe a little secret strategizing might be a little less transparent and more successful instead of announcing your game plan in front of the whole group?

But GQ asks J9 if she even has a strategy and J9 chuckles and looks away and everyone laughs because no one can really take a red headed woman seriously when she has a fake yellow bird nesting in her hair.

But before we head back into the work room for the Check Up from the Neck Up, J9 gives us our second mention of the “100 grand” prize.

“<chirp> <chirp> <$100,000> <chirp> <chirp>” said the birdie.

Next the stylists come back into the salon and JESUS TAKE THE SHEARS BEFORE I POKE MY EYES OUT. J9 has put a yellow hoodie over her yellow dress. Oh good God woman!

Eva enters the room wearing a sequined jumpsuit, which makes me concerned that she may have murdered Derek J since everyone knows that sequins are his thing.

What the hell did you do with Derek J, Eva???

“This week it’s all about accessories” Eva tells the stylists, which would explain why she’s wearing what appears to be two necklaces and a cotton swim cap. “Accessories make everything around us fabulous” Eva says, just like someone she knows. Wait, she must be getting ready to introduce Brooke Burke!!! Yes! I knew this moment was com…Oh, it’s just Derek J in black tights, gold glittering shorts, a nude tank and a black blazer that’s too small for him. And suddenly, J9 is no longer the major fashion criminal in the room.

Are they headed to some sort of weird dance audition?

For this week’s Check Up from the Neck Up, Eva tells the stylists they must create a fantasy hairstyle and a fantasy hair handbag. Cut to the stylists’ reactions: Blondie’s giving her “oh shit” face. J9’s looking stunned, GQ looks concerned. The stylists are told that they will be able to choose accessories from the table and told that the accessories will inspire their fantasy hair and handbag and Derek tells them their creations “have to be good, have to be neat, but they definitely can’t look cheap.” Mz H20 says “ooh” like that’s going to be a real problem for her.

Eva tells them that the prize will be the “Swap” card can be used for the upcoming Glam Slam, but to really screw with the stylists, she tells them that she won’t reveal what the card does until the Check Up from the Neck Up is over.

Somehow I don’t think that Eva’s about to announce the start of a key party.

The stylists don’t seem to mind though and then pull their numbers to see who determine the order of accessory selection.

Bossa Nova goes first and chooses the pearls. J9!! No comment from you about how much Bossa Nova loves pearl necklaces? Frankly my dear, I’m a tad disappointed.

Camouflage takes the red watch (boooooring). GQ takes the little silk black gloves. Nostradamus takes the feathered earring. QueenB takes the grey vest. Mz H20 takes the gold bangle. Blondie takes the turquoise ring. Atomic takes the green tights.

Atomic had his eyes on those Kermit tights from the start.

And J9 doesn’t get to choose because she’s last and has to take the accessory left on the table that no one wanted: the pink sunglasses.

Eva tells the stylists they have two hours to create their two pieces and then she and Derek J rotate and walk out the doors. The stylists get to work and the models stroll in. Nostradamus explains that it’s usually tough for them to even make one style within two hours, let alone a fantasy hair style and a matching handbag. Which would explain why he’s just shoving mangy looking white feathers into his model’s hair.

Nostradamus, I think your model might be molting.

Atomic, who usually seems cool and confident, is struggling working with a Styrofoam dog penis he’s crafted and since he’s desperate for ideas, he copies the bird in the hair look J9 is rocking.

Atomic, has it really come to this?

Hold up, did J9 just start a trend with this bird in the hair crap? Are you effing kidding me right now? Just because Derek J and Eva calls them all stylists, doesn’t mean they necessarily have a good sense of style.

I spy with my little eye, some roving eyes!

J9 explains that even though she got to choose her accessory last, she’s very confident with the glasses because she’s going to make a “hipster girl.” J9 tells us she’s going to use lots of feathers, a teased Mohawk and braids. She tells us that she’s going to use lots of texture and wisely notes that Derek J doesn’t usually like texture—someone has been paying attention!—but that she’s a “Picasso kind of girl.”

“Picasso” hoists her purse in the air.

I don’t really speak J9-ese or J9-ian so I don’t know what a Picasso kind of girl is. She’s a dead Spanish Communist painter/sculptor?

Whenever I come across some slang I don’t understand, I usually consult UrbanDictionary.com to try and put it in layman’s terms for me. There were 22 different definitions for what a “Picasso” could mean so I just went with the first three since they seemed to be the most popular.

1. During oral sex given by a woman to a man. At the moment of climax, the man pulls his penis from his partner’s mouth and, using his penis like a paintbrush, expresses himself all over the woman’s face.

2. A typically negative terms describing a person who appears attractive from one angle, such as the back or side, but from another angle they do not look how you expected them to look. (A variation of Monet)

3. The rarely heard of 5th ninja turtle, that the turtles try to hide to avoid embarrassment. This turtle is mentally handicapped and severely disfigured.

Um, J9, little help here? I’m not quite sure I’m following you or why you’d be boasting about any of these three options but I’m willing to keep an open mind.

J9 asks the other stylists what they think of her purse and Atomic says “it’s not the size of the purse that matters, it’s what’s in it” and then he giggles quietly to himself as if what he said was actually just brilliant and hilarious. What has happened to Atomic?!?! He’s lost his creativity and wittiness and now J9 seems like the mildly reasonable one? This is so not happening.

The stylists are scampering around the room, and we’re getting glimpses of their creations slowly coming together. Camouflage is going for an “urban” look because he got the wristwatch so he’s going to make the model’s hair wavy and put a hat on her head.

Camouflage is working on his urban look.

But whoops, appears that GQ and Camouflage are both making ball caps for their models. GQ’s inspiration seems a bit more creatively inspired though as he tells us the black gloves he got made him think of Janet Jackson; hence the cap for a sort of “Rhythm Nation” feel. A bit of a relief he’s making that sort of hat and not the awkward black wool applejack hat she wore in Poetic Justice.

GQ making a hat fit for Janet Jackson…or something.

Derek bursts into the room and provides a couple of choice, unhelpful words. Hurry it up he tells them and then he looks around the room with his mouth a little bit open, like he forgot how to breath through his nose or thinks if the stylists see a bit of his tongue, it will motivate them all to work faster. He asks Atomic if the girl sitting there without any hair on is his model because it appears Atomic isn’t taking the $100,000 prize seriously enough. Did you forget that the prize was $100,000? Don’t worry, they make sure to remind you at least four times per episode.

Suddenly J9 sees Atomic’s work and shouts “Oh my god you’re such a <bleep>!” Atomic’s such a loser, she tells us. Atomic pretends he didn’t know she had a bird in her hand and J9 answers “it’s in my hair.” Come on Atomic, now it’s just getting embarrassing.

By the looks of the way Atomic’s piece is shaping up, J9 doesn’t have too much to worry about.

Derek J and Eva come back into the room with a whole lot of attitude and Eva makes an awkward face like she’s trying to discretely pull a sequined jumpsuit wedgie out of her butt by maneuvering her hands around her pockets. Ladies or anyone who has worn a curve-hugging jumpsuit, you know the move I’m talking about.

Atomic says that he’s 100% not proud of his finished product and that he hates it, just before Eva angrily counts down from five. Why is it this woman can’t countdown from five without a major tone issue?

Time for Derek J’s evaluations. Bossa Nova’s pearl-inspired piece looks like an egg in a nest, exactly as Derek J describes it.

Yeah, sorry dude but that’s definitely an egg in a nest.

QueenB gets mixed reviews from Derek J and a comment that it looks too rushed.

J9’s model looks like she stuck her finger in an electrical socket. This is “chic hipster chick?” Um, in what world? Derek spins the model around because apparently J9 has put a little surprise in the back and oh yes, that’s quite the surprise. A little gauzy cotton ball looking thing with some feathers and gemstones in it that looks like an owl coughed it up.

Wait, they actually liked this? Okay, I’m about to give up.

J9 explains the bird in her own hair inspired her piece’s avian influences, “like birds of a feather flock together,” Eva suggests. J9 says “exactly” and Eva nods with her eyes closed because she’s so pleased with herself for getting it. Derek J tells J9 her handbag is fun but could be a lot neater. J9 nods with her eyes closed and it makes me really paranoid that I’m either not picking up on some sort of secret communication between J9 and Eva or I’m not current on head nodding trends. J9, listen, you’re talking to a man wearing a black suit jacket that’s too small and gold glitter shorts that are too baggy and a woman with a tea kettle cozy on her head. You’re trusting what they have to say?

GQ’s Janet Jackson-inspired bag and hat meet Derek J’s approval.

Does Eva have hat envy?

Camouflage’s piece doesn’t get quite the same amount of approval and Derek J suggests that Camo ran out of time because he was too busy looking at GQ’s piece. Camouflage nods but leaves his eyes open. Wait, what does that mean??! I need a nod interpreter to watch this show now!

Judging by Eva’s face, she’s definitely not as impressed by Camo’s “urban” newsboy cap.

Derek J’s so impressed by Nostradamus’ bag he exclaims that the bag is “the shit.” Eva nods so hard and emphatically I get a little worried her head’s going to snap off her neck. Derek ‘s not as wowed by Nostradamus’ hair. Nor is he that impressed by Mz H20’s creation. It’s fine but it doesn’t seem, well, spectacular.

Blondie gets an “A for effort” even though it looks like she has pinned little potpourri sachets into her model’s hair and Derek tells her look isn’t very cohesive.

Potpourri sachet realness.

Blondie’s jaw drops like she can’t believe it.

Mz H20 can’t believe it either, but she’s actually shocked that Derek J was being so easy on Blondie. Mz H20 tells us that “Blondie’s piece looks just horrible, hot mess. You couldn’t really tell what was going on but then [Derek J] goes ‘but you got it done.’ Really? Okay. That kinda party.” Wow, apparently someone is still pissed that Blondie grabbed the purple box before Mz H2o could snag it in last week’s Check Up from the Neck Up competition.

Derek J and Eva approach Atomic and his model and Eva stares at the model like she’s trying to will herself into having a mushroom flashback so she can appreciate Atomic’s look. She then turns it over to Derek with a look on her face like she’s trying to suppress a burp and a sneeze at the same time and Derek says “First off, I hate this.”

I think as punishment they should have made Atomic eat his creation.

Derek J says that he’d rather that Atomic hadn’t done anything than presented the crappy messy he did. White doves are nesting in a yellow rat’s nest of hair and straight purple hair is dripping over the model’s face. Amateurish doesn’t even quite do it justice. This hair is straight up evil. It very well might be the devil’s work or something it’s so frightening. Even when Eva asks Derek if he has anything good to say about Atomic’s work, Derek says no. “This is never going to happen to me again,” Atomic swears, but it’s too late. We’ve already jumped off the Atomic ship and climbed aboard the J9 train. Wait, no, that’s premature. We’re not that drunk yet. We only take one shot each time they mention the $100,000 prize on this show, not five.

Derek J calls out the two worst—Mz H20 and Atomic—and the two best—Nostradamus and J9. And J9 is declared the winner! “To everyone who thought I was a one-hit wonder,” she says, “now I’m coming out Lady Gaga style.” Wait, so J9 is a hermaphrodite then too? Or a drag king named Jo Calderone? Per usual, I’m confused by what J9 means.

And it’s a win for Lady Gaga and Big Bird’s love child!

Derek J tells the stylists that he’ll see them later, but before he leaves, he swipes the bag Nostradamus made because he loves it so much. And everyone laughs, not because it’s actually funny but because trying to see who can kiss Derek J’s ass harder and more unbelievably. Eva pretends to fight for the bag but she gives up with a fake “I’m sad but I surrender” face because, well, she’s competing for Derek J’s affection too. And she knows what happened to the last host of this show who didn’t sufficiently kiss Derek J’s butt. (Brooke Burke, if you’re out there, just know we’re still holding out hope you’ll at least return for an episode as one of the hair models.)

Eva explains that J9’s “Swap” card will allow her to trade models with any of the other stylists, should she want to. “You’re definitely going to need it,” Eva says, “because one of these models will be a total bitch.” And surprise! The models are dogs! And the stylists have to create hairstyles and an item of clothing inspired by each of the dogs that are owned by “today’s hottest celebrities.” And Audrey O’Day’s the celebrity guest judge because she too is a bitch she’s got nice puppies her dogs “kill every red carpet.”

Sigh…nope, not Brooke Burke. Just Aubrey O’Day.

Nostradamus loves that Aubrey can dance, has great hair, a beautiful body and can sing! Which gay guy wouldn’t want to be friends with her, he asks?

Um….uh….no comment. I’m the type of gay who has more of a friend crush on Madeleine Albright or Sarah Silverman, and have less of a thing for the sort of gals who tongue kiss their pooches and female friends in public for attention.

But whatever. That’s just me. And I can’t really see Maddie Albright as a strong enough authority on hair or style that it would warrant an HBS appearance.

Anyhow, Aubrey is a girl who “loves her bitches” and she’s “looking for a fabulous design that truly captures the nature of [the stylist’s] dog.” “Don’t let my bitches upstage yours!” she adds. If one more person tries to playfully use bitch this episode…I might just cut a bitch. Aubrey leaves and Eva gives her a really fake-sounding “Thanks Aubrey” that’s so sugary sweet that it threatens to short circuit the wiring in my TV.

The stylists then choose the dogs in the same order they got to choose their accessories in the Check Up from the Neck Up challenge.

Bitches! Everyone loves bitches!

Bossa Nova chooses Jennifer Hudson’s Pomeranian. Camouflage gets Natalie Portman’s Yorkie. GW picks Mariah Carey’s Jack Russell Terrier. Nostradamus goes for Hilary Duff’s Chiahuahua. QueenB likes Miley Cyrus’ Labradoodle. Mz H20 snags Ryan Reynolds’ Golden Retriever. Blondie takes Jake Gyllenhaal’s German Shepherd (but seems sooo unexcited about it). Atomic asks for Pete Wentz’s bulldog and that means J9 is left with Kristen Bell’s chocolate lab. But J9 has the “Swap” card and steals Pete Wentz’s dog from Atomic. Atomic seems unfazed.

J9 also gets to choose Glam Slam battle opponents because she won the last Glam Slam but this time Eva explains that there will be one group of three stylists, which she warns is not the group to be in. One stylist from the threesome will be declare the “Hair Do” the other two will be the “Hair Don’ts.”

Eva tells the stylists that they will have 30 minutes to purchase items for their hair creations and that the next time she will see them all will be at the Glam <wait for it> Slam. Oh Eva. Some week soon I just know you’re going to hit your stride and the cadence of your speech will eventually be the same as a normal person’s is.

Eva is an act-or first and a mod-el second.

The stylists are given 30 minutes to spend $50 on a “shopping spree” at a pet store, to find items they can incorporate into their hair pieces or use to dress up their dogs. Okay, $50? And 30 minutes? That’s not a spree. That’s like letting me borrow two Tylenol and then telling people you’re a drug dealer. Not quite.

Also, didn’t they just have a “you get to shop in a pet store” challenge this season on Project Runway? Why are pet stores the new “it” place to be?

Nostradamus tries talking a little smack to Blondie in the pet store and tells us that because they sort of sparred at recent Glam Slams, he’s “doesn’t really care for her” at the moment. “I don’t think you’re going to be feeling me after this competition,” Nostradamus warns her. “I’m not feeling you anyways so it doesn’t matter,” she tells him. It actually makes me a little excited because I thought Blondie was going such a weakling when Derek J got her to cry in the very first episode, but now she’s proving she’s got a little fight in her.

Good luck, Mr. Camouflage. Looks like you’re gonna need it.

The stylists return to the salon and get to work. The make-up and wardrobe stylists come in and Bossa Nova explains his Pomeranian is going to be wearing a pink t-shirt that says “Peace and Love” on the back. Oh give it a rest will you, Bossa Nova? It’s all this kissy kissy, huggy huggy, lovey dovey stuff which he explains to the stylists is “why he lives.” I rolled my eyes so hard I think they actually made a noise.

Nostradamus is trying to gently and sensitively get the stylists to actually put into words what he wants his model to look like when she’s wearing the hair sombrero he’s making. “A lot of foundation” and “very dark lip liner” he offers, which makes the stylists suggest “like a chola” and Nostradamus says “I didn’t wanna say it, I didn’t wanna say it!” So instead you’d just insinuate it? Lame.

QueenB is making a dress, and Atomic is making a hiking scene, inspired by his chocolate lab. Blondie’s making a bomb because her German Shepherd sniffs out bombs.

Camouflage asks her how it’s going in a sort of teasing way and she answers that “the bomb is being a bitch…like some of the people in here.” “Tell me about it, we’ve been living with you,” he retorts.

“I’m coming for YOU, Blondie!”

I don’t usually write a lot about Camouflage because he doesn’t strike me as that threatening of a competitor on the show. Most of his side commentary is unremarkable and tame, so I was a bit surprised he’d try to come for one of the feistier females in the pack.

“Yeah well, you know <bleep> about me so…” she tells him.

Blondie’s packin’ some heat, look out Camo!

“Everything that comes out of your mouth…you could bend over and it would sound the same,” Camouflage tells her. Wait, what? So Blondie’s voice sounds like farts strung together? I’m so confused. The guys laugh, and Camouflage explains to us that Blondie is full of drama and runs her mouth a lot and that he wants to see her go home.

J9 says that she feels like she just pulled her piece out of her ass. I mean, if that’s what one of J9’s anal hairballs looks like…well, that’s really not as bad as I imagine it could be.

J9′s anal hairball.

Atomic takes the chance to tell J9 her piece looks like a mess and then she throws something at him and looks shocked and a little horrified that she actually hits her target.

“I’m not going to condone this,” Atomic says. “Only children throw things.” Oh Atomic. Remember when you didn’t seem like such a whiny little, uncreative bitch?

GQ’s struggling. Mz H20’s struggling because she suddenly forgot what a peace sign looks like.

Even Atomic can realize that Mz H20 hasn’t made a peace sign.

Derek J comes in and his fashion sense still seems to be struggling too. Where are the sequins, boo? Just an oversized sweatshirt? Someone’s getting lazy!

And it’s time for the Glam Slam! Eva takes the stage and she’s wearing a variation of a blonde pageboy hairstyle and a dress that matches in color and looks like it’s made out of bits of tin foil and those light colored wood shavings that you put on the floor of a hamster cage.

No Eva! Bad Eva!

And let’s see if we can remember who the judges are. Derek J’s here, of course, wearing another mildly embarrassing blazer. Taylor Jacobson has been replaced by former Project Runway contestant Althea Harper and then you shed a small tear and realize we’re really scraping the bottom of the “celebrity” judging barrel here, recycling contestants from other reality shows and making them judges and hosts. And then to round out the panel is Aubrey O’Day who looks, well, uncomfortable.

Why is Derek J forced to wear the pants on this panel?

Nostradamus and Blondie are up first. Nostradamus’ model is wearing a bright colored hair poncho, but his model’s sombrero looks more like a dark reddish mushroom cap.

Nostradamus and his model performing their mating dance.

Blondie’s German Shepherd-inspired model looks like she’s wearing a Buckingham Palace guard’s hat with a stick of dynamite in the top. Derek J likes it but isn’t so wild about the top Blondie made for her model. Um Blondie, we can see your model’s bra strap!! Everyone knows you’re only supposed to show your bra straps when you’re trying to hitchhike, steal your best friend’s boyfriend, or negotiate with your high school English teacher for a better grade on your essay!

Blondie gives the Buckingham Palace guards’ look a semi-slutty update.

Derek J gives it to Nostradamus, even though the poncho looks a little raggedy. Althea gives it to Blondie because she is impressed by Blondie’s hair corset.

Now it’s Aubrey’s turn to judge and my expectations are really low. But Aubrey’s blonde, bimbo-rific look is misleading. It’s not a reflection of weakness, but instead masks her bloodthirstiness and ruthlessness. Maybe she’s threatened by other sassy blondes?

Aubrey asks Blondie where she’s from and Blondie says Connecticut. “Okay, where’s that sassy little Connecticut girl?” Aubrey asks. Wait what? I’m from Connecticut too and Ms. O’Day, I don’t know what you think about Connecticut but that’s the Constitution State. What’s so edgy about Connecticut? Does Aubrey think it’s an island in the Carribbean or something?

Blondie tells her she has been “fightin [her] whole life” which is kind of sweet because she’s trying to be honest and open up and say, hey, I’m a survivor Aubrey, the spunkiness is within me.

But Aubrey is totally unimpressed. “I wasn’t scared of you, I could jump in that ring and take you down,” she says. Uh, did Aubrey O’Day just threaten Blondie? Wait, does she think she’s on The Bad Girls Club or Maury? Frankly, I’d much rather see Derek J whup Atomic or Eva arm wrestle with J9.

Blondie ain’t skurred. “If she thinks she can take me down in the ring, then she can most certainly bring it. She might pop something though.” Blondie! Are you insinuating that Aubrey has had her boobs done? Whee!

Then Aubrey calls Blondie’s outfit a little too “ethereal” and again I was shocked and felt guilty that just because Aubrey resembles a porno Miss Piggy that I assumed she wouldn’t be smart and wouldn’t know a word like ethereal.

Nostradamus is really happy he has been declared a “Hair Do” three weeks in a row and says that now he’s thinking “maybe I do have a really good chance at winning this $100,000.” (Take another shot, folks!)

The time the maroon mushroom beat out the Buckingham Palace guard’s hat.

Next battle is QueenB and Bossa Nova. And as dorky as Bossa Nova can be with his incessant “love” and “peace” campaign, the way he has shaped his hair to look like a Pomeranian’s head is pretty phenomenal. And I think that’s literally the first time I have said that all season. It’s just so flipping cute. Now Bossa Nova kills it of course because he says that he and his dog are both “chick magnets” <barf> and after his speech he gets a little kiss on the cheek from his model, just like last week. Oh lordy, is this going to be his “thing” now?

Okay, so that is pretty damn cute. It’s like a little Hello Kitty-chic.

QueenB introduces her look and as she does, we cut to the judging panel for reactions. Aubrey O’Day looks like her Xanax suppository just kicked in, Derek J looks a little annoyed, and Eva looks like Tyra Banks is walking down the runway, carrying Brooke Burke in a baby sling. Really Eva, you’re that shocked by QueenB’s look?

QueenB’s look is well, very hairy. Her model is wearing a blonde hair dress and then a big sort of lopsided hair tower with a few purple ribbons tied around it.

It’s alive!

It doesn’t look particularly neat but it’s definitely impactful. Aubrey also doesn’t get how it resembles the Labradoodle and thinks it looks like the dog is on some “serious steroids” and chooses Bossa Nova. Althea thinks QueenB’s piece could go into a top-of-the-line fashion collection. Althea likes the creativity of Bossa’s hair piece but because he neglected to pay as much attention to making the clothing, she chooses QueenB, as does Derek J, making the Queen the “Hair Do.”

Next is J9 versus Mz H20 and when J9 begins her speech I’m a bit concerned she has had a stroke or developed a speech impediment, until I realize, oh that’s her attempt at a British accent because she has an English Mixed Bulldog. J9 used red hair for her model because she wanted it to reflect the “challenge winner,” meaning herself, and her model seems dressed like if Jack Skellington became a British street tramp and assembled his outfit at the town dump.

Jack Skellington, what happened to you?

J9’s wrapping up her speech and rolling around on the stage, but this is what we’ve come to expect of Ms “9.” Unfortunately, Mz H20 hasn’t fared much better and has made a giant yellow ice cream cone with gumballs on it and threw a steering wheel on it, no wait, that’s a peace sign, because Golden Retrievers are peaceful.

Suddenly getting a real hankering for ice cream.

Derek J loves J9’s overall look, which sort of boggles my mind. Are there buttons and phone cords thrown into the hair piece? But then he clarifies and says, “as for your hair piece, it looks like a hodge podge of crap.” Thank you Derek J! J9 gets a sad clown frown on her face but nods like she understands. But Derek J thinks Mz H20’s piece looks like a hot air balloon, and when Mz H20 tries to protest and say that she thinks her peace sign was pretty technical, Derek J corrects her and says “no, the peace sign was not technical at all.” Derek J votes for J9.

Eva turns it over to Aubrey and asks what she thinks about the creations. Aubrey complains that she doesn’t feel at peace looking at Mz H20’s hair and that it makes her feel like she needs to take anxiety medication. Aubrey thinks that the outfit Mz H20 made looks like she took a weave from Aubrey’s drawer from “back in the DK days.” Yet none of the audience members or stylists know that Aubrey’s trying to refer to her former girl group Danity Kane because they only remember Aubrey from her tasteful Playboy spread, because it’s not like any of them have actually watched her newer reality show All About Aubrey. Even though Aubrey thinks J9’s work looks like an arts and crafts piece, she votes for J9 and J9 is thus declared the “Hair Do.”

Eva introduces the next battle and it’s the three boys battling it out.

Time for that threesome we’ve all been looking forward to!

Camouflage brings out his dog first and it seems he has put a chocolate fondue fountain on his model’s head. GQ’s is better but the dog he created for the top of his hair piece doesn’t really look like a Jack Russell, in case anyone cares.

Yeah so, that straw teepee on the model’s head is supposed to be a Jack Russell Terrier…or something.

Then there is Atomic’s which, okay, is different because he has made a hair piece that shows mountains and clouds and a river and lake and giant sun, but it reminds me a tad of a fourth grade science diorama. Althea likes Camouflage’s outfit but thinks his hair is missing the “wow” factor. Um, yeah, because it’s a fondue fountain wearing a pink leash and collar! Althea thinks that GQ’s piece is unrealistic and that the halter top he made looks cheap. She loves Atomic’s although she takes a slight issue with the width of the clouds on his diorama.

Aubrey doesn’t like Camouflage’s, thinks GQ’s actual hair piece looks good, and then moves on to Atomic. It’s here I realize that Aubrey and I might be soul mates when she says that his piece looks kinda “kindergarten project-y” and votes for GQ.

Derek J tears into Camouflage and thinks it looks really weak. He’s okay with GQ’s but really loves Atomic’s, and Atomic is declared the “Hair Do” of the group.

Yeah so the diorama easily beat the chocolate fondue fountain.

The first round is over and the stylists head backstage, where Bossa Nova swears he won’t talk about love next time—thank you baby Jesus, our prayers have been heard—and Mz H20 says that she thinks she’s going home.

The “Hair Dos” are pulled back out on stage and Derek J announces that QueenB is the winner of the Glam Slam. QueenB says that she feels like “a million bucks.” Are you sure you don’t feel like $100,000 bucks QueenB?!? How could you pass up on that opportunity to remind us about the prize money? I took another shot at this point anyhow, just to celebrate that J9 didn’t win another consecutive challenge because it was just getting predictable and sad for the other competitors.

When the “Hair Don’ts” are back onstage, it comes down to Mz H20 and Camoflauge and Derek J sends Camouflage packing.

Not so happy “Hair Don’ts”

After Camouflage leaves the stage, Derek J tells Mz H20 that she has consistently been in the bottom. “Listen honey,” he tells her. “If you even think about getting a ‘Hair Don’t’ next week, I’m sending your ass home. Okay? So step it up.”

Next week’s episode we see the stylists paired up and, for a drag queen themed Glam Slam, Eva apparently decides to dress up as RuPaul! Yippee!