Happy Town: Shanks For The Memories

First of all, I must warn all of you loyal readers, that Happy Town is such a stinker of a show, ABC has decided to yank it after only three episodes! However, despite sagging ratings, they plan on airing the remaining five episodes, starting June 2, so until then, let’s rip tonight’s preposterous episode a new hole!

OMG, where to start?! So many new characters were introduced! The Stivilettos hired a lawyer who filed criminal charges against Tommy for whooping their asses last week. Tommy found out they were under marching orders from their vengeful, jailbird brother Greggy who he put away five years ago. Andrew tried to take down Georgia’s boozy father Carl, but ended up getting shanked and later arrested.

Meanwhile, Tommy still refused to arrest Big Dave for killing Jerry Friddle, then acted shocked when Big Dave kept loafing around his house and hanging with his wife and daughter. Also encroaching on Tommy’s family was Merritt Grieves, who gifted Emma with a journal that can make the writing on its pages disappear.

Henley was rescued from her hawk-attack-car-crash by a tall, dark, handsome man named Aidan who got her checked out by a vet, then took her across the street to a sleazy motel to play doctor together. She fell for his seductive charm, until she realized that he stole her prized rams-head hammer out from under her.

The show didn’t get good until the last few minutes of the episode, when Aidan was revealed to be the Stiviletto’s brother Greggy, and Tommy’s wife Rachel went missing at the Thaw Fest, presumably the latest victim of the Magic Man…

How did I get this sticky, red, corn syrup all over my head?

Henley has flashbacks of the hawk attacking her and wrecking her car. Her eyelids start to flutter.

Meanwhile, Tommy and Big Dave are digging holes, presumably looking for the bodies that Jerry Friddle confessed to killing, but they come up empty. Tommy is not shocked. Once again, he accuses Big Dave of killing an innocent man. Big Dave still isn’t convinced. Better yet, why isn’t he convicted?!

A dark, handsome stranger hovers over Henley as she comes back to consciousness. She sits up the middle of the road. Hey, now! Last we saw her, she slumped over the steering wheel!! What gives?! She tells him her name is Henley, and he says his name is Aidan. Aidan insists on taking her to get checked out. Henley refuses to go with him until she gets her purse. Obviously, she’s got the ram’s head hammer in there, but she pretends it’s just cosmetics. Such a girl!

PS, burn those hideous plaid pants, girl!

The Stiviletto brothers put on their “Sunday best,” which in this case are the shabbiest suits you’ve ever seen. Their lawyer is a fat, bald, Asian dude who looks like Odd Job raided Satan’s wardrobe. Douglas Wambaugh, he is not. This motley crew marches into Hobbs’ office to file a criminal complaint against Tommy for assault and battery, home invasion, and reckless endangerment. Root Beer looks worried.

“No, sir! YOU’RE late for Halloween!”

Georgia is on the phone with her boyfriend, Andrew, telling him what a lush her father is. Andrew is still convinced that her abusive dad is the one responsible for her recent bruises, but Georgia sticks her weak story that she was drugged and can’t remember. How convenient! Andrew takes his rage out by going ape on his own car with a crow bar.

Tommy and Big Dave get in the truck, and Big Dave mopes like a big, sad, dumb muppet. “You don’t think I deserve to go to prison, do you, Tommy?” Um, hellur?! You killed a man!! Of course, you do, dummy! Tommy wrestles with his emotions for his best friend. “Sooner or later this is something I have to deal with,” he says. My vote is for sooner! Besides, I bet Big Dave could get off on a technicality like mental incapacity. He seems borderline retarded. Actually, they both do.

At the town’s Thaw Fest, Rachel comes across creepy Merritt Grieves trying to shoot some kiddie porn of her daughter Emma on one of his vintage cameras. They exchange names, pleasantries, and business cards. There’s a screeching overhead, and they stop to comment on the freaky hawk hovering above. Merritt continues to creep me out as he says that in some cultures, hawks are considers harbingers of things to come. (Like a show being cancelled, perhaps?)

Pedophile lesson #1: Don’t let strangers film your kids!

Root Beer has important news for Tommy: the Stiviletto brothers came in … wearing suits! And ties! OMG! News at eleven! They walk in on Dan Farmer’s slide show presentation of the Friddle murder. Farmer gives a description of the suspect, and Tommy squirms as it fits Big Dave to a tee. A hefty tee.

Andrew shows off his bruised and battered car to his friends, but says that Georgia’s dad Carl Bravin smashed it during a drunken rage. His buddies come up with the genius idea to drive over to Carl’s for a little playback. Andrew smiles maliciously. I roll my eyes dramatically.

Aidan watches as Henley gets checked out by a local quack. “Hilarity” ensues with the doc mistakenly assumes Aidan is her boyfriend. More “hilarity” ensues when they discover that the doc is really a vet! “Do I look like a schnauzer?!” Henley scoffs. No, but a dog of some sort. She lets it slide, saying, “An x-ray’s an x-ray! I just wonder where this thermometer has been!” Groan!

Andrew and his buddies bang on Carl’s door. Carl barely gets through his drunken soliloquy before Andrew decks him in the face. Then, randomly, Carl shanks Andrew with a hidden blade. Natch, the buddies run scared for their lives and leave Andrew at the mercy of the bottom of Carl’s boot.

Shanks for nothing, you hot meth!

Bravin gets escorted into a jail cell, and Dan Farmer shows Tommy a mold of a tire truck. Farmer says it’s as unique as a fingerprint, so as soon as he cross-references it with local truck companies, he is sure to catch his killer. Tommy looks nauseous. So am I, but it’s from the bad writing.

Rachel and Emma check out Merritt’s creepy movie memorabilia store, and are startled when Merritt says hello. Rachel gets a call from Georgia and steps outside to take it. Why is she leaving Emma alone with Mr. Creepo?! Georgia tells her that her dad was arrested and Andrew is in the hospital. When Georgia worries for Andrew, Rachel wonders why she even cares for “that spoiled brat.” It pains Georgia not to spill her secret, but she hangs up instead.

Hobbs eschews Tommy for beating up the Stivilettos. He then wonders if their incarcerated brother “Greggy” put them up to hire a lawyer. Tommy says he put Greggy away five years ago. Why would he wait all this time to enact revenge? More importantly, why would anyone go by the name “Greggy?”

Back at The House of Ushers, Merritt shows Emma his red journal filled with writing. Three taps later, and the words have vanished. Emma is floored by this cheap parlous trick, but Rachel comes back in and could care less. Merritt bestows the journal on Emma as a gift, and Rachel practically has to put a gun to her head to illicit the most wan thank you.

Pedophile lesson #2: Don’t take gifts from strangers!

Hobbs and Tommy interrogate Carl Bravin, who now has a busted nose. Somehow the conversation derails from shanking Andrew, and Bravin admits he saw the Magic Man once out in the woods by his house. He was tall and skinny and wore a blue top hat. Moreover, he limped, walked with a cane, and his eyes glowed. And he had a big nasty bird with him named Cicero. Tommy says until they can figure out why the kids were on his property, Carl is free to go. WTF?! He knifed a kid and he gets to walk?! Worst. Sheriff. Ever.

Henley’s mechanic tells her that her car is totaled. Now she is penniless and can’t afford a new ride. Her sneaky plans to get out of town have been totally setback. Aidan offers to help, and then some! One sideways glance across the street at the aptly named Knotty Woods Motel, and these two are hitting the sheets – HARD!

Cheekiest named motel ever! I secretly love it!

Tommy breaks bread with the Haplins. Andrew shares a delightfully made-up story about how he politely knocked on Carl’s door to ask him to repay him for the damage to his car when he was viciously attacked. “That was your first mistake,” says his droll father, “assuming he was sober at 10 in the morning.” Tommy looks like an utter buffoon when he admits that Carl hasn’t been charged with anything. But he tells them that Georgia swears her father was passed out all morning, and couldn’t have been responsible for smashing the car.

Henley checks to make sure her bloody rams-head hammer is still in her purse, then dives back into bed with Aidan for round two.

I hope she has some Trojans in her purse, too!

John escorts Tommy out, and convinces him to lock up Carl. Now he can look forward to tonight’s Thaw Fest “unencumbered with hostile feelings of injustice.” Wow, that’s a mouthful. Tommy struggles to keep up.

Grandma Peggy finds Andrew tickling the ivories in the living room, and tells him that she knows his story about Carl smashing the car is a load of BS. She tells him that he is destined for greater things than his father’s bread factory, but it all starts here and he can’t slip up. She also tells him that Georgia is sweet, but he should keep his options open! Andrew is genuinely shocked. How do grandmas always know these things?!

Hobbs calls Tommy to tell him that he is being deposed by the Asian lawyer tomorrow, so he better get his story straight. Tomy hangs up, then hears Emma’s laughter coming from the kitchen. He walks in to find her sitting on Big Dave’s lap! Ok, gross! Tommy keeps quiet in front of the fam, but outside he tells Big Dave he doesn’t want him coming around anymore. “Why?” Dave asks earnestly. Even Tommy suspects brain damage now. “Seriously, Dave?” he retorts. Dave struggles for a response. “Is it because … you don’t want them tangled up in this?” OMG, no, you ‘tard! It’s cuz you’re a big, fat killer! Tommy takes pity on Dave and warns him to change his tires.

Pedophile lesson #3: It’s only okay to sit on Santa’s lap!

Henley kisses Aidan goodbye, then makes sure to add, “I don’t normally do this.” Yeah, right, sweetie. You have tramp written all over you! Meanwhile, the nosy widows are spying on Aidan from their window. “Is that?” one asks. “It is!” crows the other. Then they shake their heads knowingly and mysteriously.

How could a face this cute belong to someone so shady?

Tommy whines to his wife that his sleuthing skills stink, cuz he can’t figure out the Andrew – Carl debacle. Luckily, Rachel has a brain, and puts two and two together. Tommy thanks her for doing his job, then goes to the Haplin’s garage which just happens to be open and full of incriminating evidence, like broken glass from a headlight. Tommy does the first smart thing all episode, and arrests Andrew.

At Thaw Fest, Big Dave shouts outloud to Tommy that he changed his tires. Oh, poor Lenny. He doesn’t even know the strength of his own voice. Then Hobbs and Root Beer blast Tommy for arresting the mayor’s grandson on assault charges. As if he isn’t in enough hot water with the Stivilettos! Tommy argues that it makes a point: the law applies to everyone in Haplin. Everyone but Big Dave, that is!

Later that night, Peggy makes a lame speech to introduce the 53rd annual Thaw Fest. Tommy faces the music, and apologizes to the Stivilettos at their dunk tank. The brothers admit they dropped the charges, per Greggy’s request. Tommy says he still has 2 years on his sentence though. “That doesn’t mean he’s not a man with a plan!” Lincoln warns.

Georgia shows up at the police station, and narrowly misses Dan Farmer, who rushes out to grab some funnel cake at the Thaw Fest. Georgia and Andrew have a minor lover’s quarrel between bars, then just as quickly are all lovey-dovey again.

Rachel tells Emma she has two more minutes of fun and frivolity inside the moon bounce. Rachel flips Emma’s journal of drawings, then just for shits ‘n gigs, taps the book, but the pictures don’t disappear. Rachel feels foolish – and she should! She forgot to turn the book around first and blow on it!! DUH!

Snooping through your daughter’s journal? Not cool.

Henley / Chloe is leaving another cryptic message, presumably for her mother. She quickly tells about her busted car, then says she will go see “her” and “get it done.” As she searches her purse, it suddenly dawns on her that the rams-head hammer is missing! Surely, Aidan has it!

Cut to Aidan strolling through Thaw Fest. He happens by the Stiviletto brothers, and Baby Boy is still chanting, “Greggy!” “What’s up, Ronald?” Aidan asks. Ronald turns around. “Aidan Gregory Stiviletto! How ya been, brother?!” Ok, I’ll give Happy Town this one. That was a pretty good reveal. But how did he get out of jail?!

John rushes Tommy and rips the sheriff badge off his jacket. “Pick it up,” Tommy barks. John is incredulous. “You arrested my son? Are you joking?” Tommy tells John the truth about Andrew. “Who chopped off their hand and made you king?” John hisses. (Good one!)

Emma breaks up the tension by crying to Tommy that Rachel is missing. Uh oh! Has the Magic Man returned and snatched her? When Tommy can’t find her anywhere, he calls her cell. They hear a ringing, and find her purse and the red journal abandoned on the ground. Root Beer flips through the pages and finds they are all blank! Tommy hears a screeching sound, and looks up to see the giant hawk, perched in a tree. “OH NO!” he exclaims!

Pedophile lesson #4: Never let your parents out of your sight!

Who finds it suspicious that Greggy was put in jail five years ago … and The Magic Man hasn’t been seen in five years? But now that he’s out … the disappearances have begun again? Coincidence? Or red herring? (We have a few weeks to discuss!)