Happy Town: Sleight Of My Life

Welcome back, you few-and-far-between fans of ABC’s spooky, new thriller, Happy Town! I know it’s been several weeks since last we laughed our asses off at the show’s ridiculous writing and the shameful “acting” of its lead actor, Geoff Stults. But now that it’s back, we can resume our calorie-burning, gut-busting laugh riot. Because even if Happy Town isn’t very good, it’s atleast consistent!

Last night was the first of five all new episodes, and its return was more of a whimper than a bang. When we left off, Tommy’s wife Rachel had mysteriously vanished in the middle of the Thaw Fest carnival, and Tommy feared that she had become the latest victim of the Magic Man. We pick right back up with Tommy whimpering at his comatose father’s bedside for help.

“Papa, can you hear meeee?!”

The town’s police department (which apparently has a dozen bloodhounds on hand to help sniff out clues) is busy finding Rachel, by literally leaving no trash can unturned at the Thaw Festival the next morning. PS, why is the carousel still spinning when no one’s even on it? Lame. Dan Farmer whips out a pocket knife and slices up a photo of Rachel, so everyone knows who they are trashing the town looking for.

Someone’s channeling Robert Patrick from Terminator 2.

At the police station, Tommy is busy investigating everyone (including his own daughter!) but getting nowhere. He’s spooked when Georgia brings him a bouquet of dead flowers that were left on his doorstep. Apparently, this is one of The Magic Man’s calling cards. LOL. He kidnaps your loved one and then leaves you potpourri? I hope Martha Stewart has an alibi! Dan Farmer breezes in with news that he and his team are being called back to St. Paul ASAP. Huh? In the middle of a missing person investigation?

A visit to his mentally-incapacitated father yields Tommy his one lead: “Talk to the Englishman.” Tommy grills Merritt Grieves, who has an airtight alibi with the merry widows of the boarding house. Grieves does, however, reveal himself to be a collector of information about The Magic Man, and tells Tommy to “go back to the beginning” and look at the case with fresh eyes.

Sam Neill tries so hard to make this clunker work…

Meanwhile, Henley promises her mysterious phone contact that she will retrieve the hammer. Just then the merry widows pop in and catch her up to speed on Rachel’s disappearance … which just happens to coincide with the return of jailbird Greggy Stiviletto … who just happens to be the hot stranger named “Aidan” who boinked her brains out and stole her hammer. “What was he in jail for?” Henley asks. “Murder!” one of the old broads whispers in her face.

“Whoa. Back up, old woman! Your breath smells like sauerkraut.”

Peggy Haplin pays Griffin a visit in the hospital. She tells him that she thought they “took care of this before.” She needs him to “come back” and explain himself…

Henley blows past the nasty Stiviletto brothers to go and confront Greggy, who conveniently explains that he misled her because he was embarrassed by his manslaughter charge that stemmed from a bar brawl. And he only took her precious hammer because he knew it meant a lot to her and it would guarantee she came back for a second date. WTF?! Henley is such an idiot she buys this and falls into bed with him AGAIN.

How is this dream boat even remotely related to his skeezy brothers?!

John Haplin helps get his son Andrew out of jail. The police discover Carl Bravin’s car abandoned in the woods, so Tommy and Roger go to his house to investigate. Roger is suspicious about the muddy shovels in the back of Tommy’s truck, and wonders if maybe the new sheriff is responsible for his own wife’s disappearance. Tommy lies and says he was helping Big Dave plant some spruce trees. Lame. Tommy and Roger find the front door open and the house a total pig sty. Tommy finds two glasses of booze, but before they can investigate further, they receive an urgent call to come to The Bready. Had they bothered to check the basement, they would have discovered Carl being held hostage by Dan Farmer!

Does no one in this town brush their teeth?! Carl looks like he’s holding his breath for dear life.

Tommy races to The Bready, where a woman’s severed hand is discovered on a loaf of bread. Gross! What is up with this show and severed hands?! The wedding ring belongs to Rachel … but the hand belongs to Lauryn Ward, the first victim of the Magic Man. A doctor reveals that Lauryn was alive when the hand was severed, which was approximately 48 hours ago. If she is still alive, then there’s a chance the other victims are, too.

Who ordered the knuckle sandwich?

Tommy and Grieves go on a wild goose chase to the greenhouse where Lauryn disappeared. They bump into Root Beer who was supposed to be guarding Emma and Georgia, only to realize the trip was merely a distraction for the Magic Man to gain access to Tommy’s house!

Which one’s Mulder, and which one’s Scully?

Andrew startles Georgia and Emma, and the three sneak out of the house safely. Tommy rushes home to find Rachel shivering in the bathtub, with absolutely no memory of her abduction… How convenient!!

For whatever stupid reason, Big Dave shows up at Tommy’s house. When Roger asks him about the spruce trees, Big Dave has no idea what he’s talking about. Ughh! Big Dave is such a tard. And so is Tommy for not clueing the big lug in on the whole cover up.

What if Rachel is the Magic Man and she abducted herself? Just a thought …

Dumb-ass Georgia walks home alone down a desolate road in a town where murders and kidnappings are becoming every day occurrences. Not smart, girl. A car roars to life menacingly behind her and Dan Farmer gives her the evil stink eye as he drives by. Did she recognize him as the guy who drugged her at the hospital? Of course not! She thinks it was one of her drug dealing father’s customers. Carl struggles to hide his wrist marks from his daughter.

Henley is escorted into Peggy Haplin’s manse by a manservant, and decides to play hardball with the old broad. She whips out the hammer and threatens to give it to the police unless she receives $250,000! Peggy promises to be in touch …

Peggy doesn’t take kindly to threats.