We’re in the Final Five and it looks like they whipped up just enough plot for three. That means cutting the story stash with lots of baby laxative, i.e. mucho scrambling around searching for missing muchachas. And like last week’s installment, this one climaxes with a big stunning super-shock that will almost certainly turn out to be nada since it’s still too soon to definitively reveal the killer.
So forget about why state police boats and FBI helicopters and the Royal Canadian Mounties have to wait until morning to invade the island and stop the killer(s) from slaying the rest of the cast. Let’s just try to get through it. When it’s over we can all watch Black Christmas (DVD and Blu-Ray). It’s not a Tyler Perry holiday ho-down, and it’s not the wretched 2006 remake with Michelle Trachtenberg (not her fault)– it’s the brilliantly chilling original, a 1974 sorority house psycho-thriller with Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, Andrea Martin and Nasty Billy, the scariest dangerously unhinged lunatic that side of 1978‘s Halloween. John Carpenter‘s masterpiece owes a huge debt to Black Xmas, while When A Stranger Calls (1979) just blatantly ripped it off. But I’m not here to assign blame to anyone. Except of course to the folks who bring us Harper’s Island. So here we go….
Really? Not even the Late Supper menu?!
Candlewick Inn library lounge, night. Trish, Trish’s Sister, and Dreadlocks wait for everyone else. TS can’t believe Trish’s friends would just leave the island with Creepy Madison still missing. Your kid’s charmless– get over it, lady! The Widow Beef Wellington appears to tell everyone the phones are still out. A loud pounding on the front door raises alarm. Dreads approaches with a rifle, but it’s just Spiky Hair and Soror-Whore 2.
Harper’s Island clinic. Abby, Preppy Blonde Snot and Slutty Blonde Bitch lay wounded Grizzled Local Cop out on an exam table. Preppy’s in charge because, as I’m sure everyone’s forgotten, he’s a doctor. He says “It’s been a while since I’ve worked on a living patient”, so we might have also forgotten he’s a coroner. The island M.E., tubby Dr Oldfart, isn’t there because phones are down all over the island and they can’t reach him. They apparently had no trouble breaking into the clinic though. Maybe we also all forgot Slutty’s a professional thief. Right now she’s playing nurse as Preppy peeks at GLC’s thigh-puncture and asks her to find O negative in the fridge.
New this fall on CBS: Hobbit Coroner
GLC grunts to Abby that there’s a book in Scary-Looking Dead Forest Brute‘s charred man-purse she pulled out of the fire when SLDFB was fatally stuck with arrows on the porch of his burning cabin. Keep it safe!
Henry and Fish Hunk enter carrying dead Goth Guy. FH spies some hand-written notes on the floor and gives them to Henry– they must’ve fallen out of GG’s pocket.
Candlewick lounge. Trish’s Sister lets Spiky have it for trying to leave the island. They were told if anyone tried to leave, Madsy would die! Spiky says didn’t leave and it probably doesn’t make any difference anyway. You don’t know that! TS shrieks. Trish wants to know where’s Henry. Spiky explains that they found GG murdered. Wasn’t he in jail? Dreads asks. No, he was at the marina. Now Henry’s taken his body to the clinic with Abby and the rest. If someone offed GG, does that mean he didn’t kill her dad Beef Wellington, Trish pipes up. Before anyone can say “duh”, glaring headlights and blaring metal music intrude from the driveway. Rifle at the ready, Dreads leads Spiky outside, to a seemingly empty red truck. Spiky kills the ignition, then hears a click as Townie aims a shotgun at him! MAIN TITLES.
Don’t shoot! We have white women!
Candlewick driveway. Dreads holds HIS gun on Townie and tells him to drop it. Townie says no, YOU drop it or Spiky gets splattered. Dreads backs down. Townie says he’s looking for Goth Guy. Spiky says GG’s dead, but Townie’s not buying it, he saw GG escape from jail earlier. It’s true, Dreads concurs. GG got sliced up at the marina. So they shouldn’t be standing around outside. Townie confiscates the Bro Posse’s rifle.
Clinic. Slutty hands the blood bags to Preppy. Abby tells Fish Hunk the state police will be here in the morning. They can take GLC to the hospital then. Then she goes into the other room, where Henry stands over GG’s body. Henry expresses guilt at not being able to save his brother. Abby wants to know if GG said anything else– no, just what he told Abby, it was her fault– “it’s all about you”. Henry assures Abby GG knew she was his friend. If GG blamed anyone, it was Henry. Abby tries to hold Henry, but he must go to the Candlewick and check on Trish. Abby says he shouldn’t go back to the hotel alone. Henry, macho/stupidity endorphins raging, won’t have it. Stay with your dad and lock the doors. Good thinking!
Candlewick lounge. Townie enters with Spiky and Dreads. At gunpoint, he orders everyone into the corner. But Henry sneaks up behind Townie and puts HIS gun to Townie’s bone head. Spiky and Dreads subdue Townie as Trish embraces Henry. Henry tells them they didn’t find Madsy. TS isn’t going to just wait around for the state cops to show up. Trish reminds her there’s a killer on the loose and the only way to be safe is stay together and wait till morning. Good thinking!
“If you’re grossed-out by your DNA, take a few teaspoons of mine.”
Clinic. Abby is perusing the charred John Wakefield journal when Fish Hunk appears. Abby says references to her dad are all over the singed pages. FH wants to know how GLC knew Wakefield. Abby says her mom was the one who knew the dangerously unhinged spree killer. FH recognizes the handwriting and says some un-burnt pages from the book fell out of GG’s pocket. But Henry took the pages with him. Abby says she has to see them, now! Good thinking!
Candlewick lounge. Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager appears and hands Trish an extra set of keys. Bosomy has locked up all the other wings. The lounge doors are the only way in or out. Good thinking!
Candlewick kitchen. Dreads is Townie-sitting. Henry enters and demands to know why Townie is at the hotel. Townie deflects by opining that the murders started because Henry came back to the island. And for all Townie knows, they could be locking themselves in with the killer.
…Either grooming a cat or butchering my asshole brother.
Candlewick lounge. Trish cleans Henry’s wounds and asks how he got the gashes on his forearms. Henry “doesn’t remember”. Abby and Fish Hunk arrive. Abby asks to see the pages Henry took. He hands them over and she shows them they match Wakefield’s journal. We see the phrases “THEY WILL KNOW LOSS” and “I WILL MAKE THEM PAY”. Sounds like any e-mail I send my sister. Abby reads more, then looks sickened. She tells Trish, Henry, Spiky and FH her mother had an affair with Wakefield, then shows them this: “SARAH HAD MY CHILD”…. Holy shit. Abby: I could be Wakefield’s daughter! Leia: I think he might’ve been talking about Sarah Palin. And her daughter… WILLOW. Reveal Townie eavesdropping, looking vaguely disturbed.
Back from commercial. FH tries to reassure Abby that the journal doesn’t prove anything (see above, hello! Willow Palin!), then looks over and sees Townie gossiping with Spiky, Dreads and SW2. FH demands to know what the whispering’s about. Townie says they all know Abby’s Wakefield’s kid and they should get on FH’s boat and get the hell away from here before Abby gets FH killed. Disgusted, FH says no, choosing Abby over a life of blue-collar bro-sex with Townie.
Whaddya mean you can’t quit me???
Miffed, Townie causes our gay-panic suspicions to spike with a queeny reference to an old Hollywood movie (Rosemary’s Baby), as Henry and FH get more steamed at the scapegoating of Abby. Townie reiterates the cruel exposition: “For seven years everything’s cool on this island; Abby shows up and people start dying like flies; you do the math.” Henry assumes that wet-cat look he gets when riled and tells Townie to shut up.
Wet Pussy Alert!
But Spiky thinks Townie has a point. Townie continues trying to turn the gang against Abby until she exits, traumatized.
Candlewick corridor. The Widow BW searches for Trish’s Sis down a dark hallway. She finds TS in her suite packing a suitcase. It’s not safe for TS to be here alone. TS says she wants Madison back and can’t just wait around doing nothing, then lashes out at her adulterous stepmother. The Widow stole TS’s husband and now pretends she cares?! Sorry, skank, but you don’t GET to love Madsy! Now get out. The skank slinks off, schooled.
Candlewick verandah. Fish Hunk finds Abby sitting alone and begs her to come back inside. Before she gets fucking slaughtered. Sorry, that was me, Leia LaBiblia. Abby gives FH a quick recap of cogent plot points. The day she came back to the island, she got a phone call and heard music but no voice. She thought it was a wrong number. She got the same call again right after BW got head-spaded. Plus someone fiendishly taped a newspaper clipping about her dead mom to her hotel room mirror. Whoever’s doing all this wants Abby. FH says they can’t have her. Presumably ’cause FH’s claiming the plucky gal for himself. Which is awesome, but time’s a-wastin’, FH. You have exactly 4.5 episodes left to pour her the pork.
Clinic. GLC is resting comfortably, prompting Slutty to show her appreciation of Dr Prepper by trying to bang him. As Preppy and the writers justify this by telling her and us that post-traumatic stress can manifest itself with a sudden desire for intimacy with a David Spade lookalike, the camera pans to GLC’s flammable oxygen tank. Slutty drags Preppy to an adjacent room and whips her top off. They make out, ignoring GG’s shrouded corpse, which isn’t shown, but is almost definitely in there because how big can this place be?
Does ANYONE find this hot?
Candlewick verandah. Fish Hunk and Abby approach the door to inside. But Townie has locked it. FH can come in, but not Abby. That chick’s like the plague! [And I'm in love with you, brah.] Henry appears and starts beating up Townie. Instead of reaching for one of the twelve shotguns lying around, everyone watches them tussle, probably amazed that skinny Henrietta is kicking the shit out of the big galoot. Finally Dreads and Spiky pull them apart. See what she does! Townie barks RE: Abby [The Man-Stealing Tramp]. Just then Spiky realizes Soror-Whore 2 is missing. Considering she has no discernible personality and has had exactly one line in tonight’s show, I’m not sure how (or why) he noticed.
How ’bout this? …Anybody at all?
Candlewick kitchen. Dreads and Spiky discover an overturned lantern and a trail of blood leading to the kitchen-within-the-kitchen inner sanctum where GLC imprisoned GG several hundred episodes ago. They knock on the door, in case she’s not decent. No answer, so they bust in. She’s not in the freezer but they find a puddle of blood on the floor next to a mysterious secret door. Henry, Trish, FH and Abby join them. Henry opens the door and they peer into the blackness…
There we go. Ay papi!
Back from commercial. The door leads down to some sort of basement tunnel. Bosomy appears and helpfully informs us it’s a leftover from Prohibition, proving once and for all Harper’s Island is NOT in Canada. Trust me, I’ve been there and they’d sooner outlaw hockey than booze. Trish says, despite their lack of a single onscreen conversation together, SW2′s HER friend so she should lead the search party into the tunnel. Yeah, right. Henry orders Trish to stay above ground and look after her basket-case sis. What if it’s a trap, Spiky asks. What if SW2′s alive, Henry counters. What if you wait till the cops get here before you go prospecting through a dank pitch-black maze to find a day player, your recap artist snips. FH and Abby want in on the death march, too. Their first real post-massacre date! Sigh… Henry gives Trish a kiss and his gun, in case the killer shows up or Townie gets rapey.
Tunnel. Henry and the gang make their way in, rifles pointed like they’re hunting wabbits. It’s surprisingly roomy and not at ALL like a haunted Scooby-Doo-esque mine shaft.
Candlewick lounge. Townie enjoys some complimentary whiskey at the bar, telling a passing Trish he’s sorry about her dead dad. Before she can join him for a nip, The Widow appears and asks if she’s seen TS. Townie rolls his eyes– goddangit, tourists is stoopid.
So why do they need flashlights…
…if the electricity’s on?!?!?
Candlewick, TS’s suite. Trish and WBW enter, not finding TS, just her suitcase, and underneath it, a tarot card. The Tower. That can’t be good. Trish mumbles something, the gist of which is that TS went to see if the bachelorette party psychic takes walk-ins. Trish wants to go after TS, but Townie and WBW tell her how stoopid that is, what with a dangerously unhinged killer on the loose. They must wait until morning. Trish “agrees”…
Candlewick lounge, minutes later. Townie and WBW hear a heavy-metal vehicle start. Through the window, they see Trish peel out in Townie’s truck!
It’s gonna be a long night. I wonder if he’s into nipple torture…
Tunnel. Spiky’s flashlight beams in on blood on the floor. Fish Hunk says the tunnel could go all the way to the ocean. Fred Henry says this explains how the fiendish kidnapping murdering maniac gets around so efficiently. Dreads wonders why the maniac is doing this. Spiky says the journal answers that question. Someone’s pretending to be Wakefield and it’s probably someone close to him, like, oh, maybe, his daughter?! Velma Abby takes offense. They come to a fork, but the blood trails in both directions. Abby says they should split up, which sounds like a bad, bad idea, Gasmii. Dreads agrees with me and says there’s no version of this that ends well, but at least doesn’t trot out that tired chestnut about black guys in horror films. Cuz you know he’s damn grateful to have made it through almost nine episodes. Dreads and Spiky take one tunnel and Henry, Abby and FH go the other way.
Every time shomeone shez “Wakefield”, do a shot!
Candlewick lounge. Townie and WBW drink. He scores some points by mistaking her for a bridesmaid but blows it when she says she’s the Widow BW and he asks how much money BW left her. WBW storms off. Townie pulls out his pocket knife and starts to carve his name into the bar until Bosomy appears and scolds him. What?! he grunts. You think anyone’s ever gonna stay here again? OK, that was funny.
Ext. Harper’s Island road. Trish pulls up next to TS, walking alone in the dark. TS tells her to go back to the hotel. Trish stops the truck, gets out and hurries after TS, telling her the psychic can’t locate Madison. TS says the minute she stops looking for Madsy, the little troll’s dead. Wasn’t she dead when everyone tried to leave the island earlier? She needs to pick a retarded rule and stick to it! Trish manages to hustle TS back to the truck.
Yes. The advertisers.
Tunnel. Dreads chides Spiky for turning against Abby. Spiky says he doesn’t think Abby’s “evil”, but there’s something about her that’s getting everyone killed.
Other tunnel. Abby wonders what if GLC knew she was Wakefield’s kid? That would explain his behavior since the first massacre, why he sent Abby away– so she wouldn’t find out. Henry says if that’s true, GLC only did it to protect her. They come to a dead end and find the concrete opening to a mini-tunnel/crawlspace.
Tunnel. Dreads and Spiky come to a dead end and find an identical mini-tunnel opening, only this one is stained with fresh blood!
Other tunnel. Abby volunteers to go into the crawlspace. Henry and FH say no way, but she’s made up her mind.
Tunnel. Spiky and Dreads peer into their crawlspace. Spiky says there’s no way he’s going in there, so Dreads wiggles in. As a woman, I feel very good about this show’s gender-blind utter fucking stupidity. On his belly, Dreads shimmies up to a mini-fork in the mini-tunnel and finds SW2′s bloody mini-torso, stuffed in there like so much ACTRA garbage.
…So how do you know Soror-Whore 2 has dandruff?
I just found her Head & Shoulders!
Other crawlspace. Abby squirms along until a metal grate drops down, cutting her off from Henry and Fish Hunk!
Back from commercial. Henry says they’ll go get tools to break her out. Abby says there’s another crawlspace up ahead and starts inch-worming toward it, ignoring Henry’s admonishment to stay put. She pops out in what looks exactly like the dead-end Spiky and Dreads were just in. Wielding her flashlight and gun, Abby moves through the tunnel. She hears ominous noises, and freezes, calling out. “Henry?! Fish Hunk?!”
Terrified, Abby squeezes back into the network of crawlspaces. Then someone grabs her legs, pulling her toward a fate worse than or equal to death! Abby wriggles free and pops out of another hole into the main tunnel. She pauses to fire her rifle into the crawlspace, then starts running. She comes to a wooden door and enters what looks like my hideous first L.A. apartment. It’s some kind of top-secret creepy hideout, and there on the bed, is Creepy Madison! Unfortunately she’s alive. And utterly blase as she awakens from her nap and says “Hi, Abby”. Abby leads her out of the hideout.
Remind me to get every single tube tied.
Tunnel. Henry and FH hear someone coming and pull their gun. But it’s just Spiky and Dreads. Henry says they need to free Abby from the crawlspace and Spiky and Dreads tell them they found SW2, dead.
Yet another tunnel. Abby and Madsy come to a sewer pipe and see a grating up above. They climb a ladder bolted to the wall.
Candlewick lounge. Henry, FH, Spiky and Dreads find Townie defacing the bar and ask to borrow the tools from his truck. Townie tells them Trish stole the truck.
Harper’s Island road. Trish drives TS back to the hotel. Trish s