Harper’s Island: Snap: Police Mortality

To Gasmii It May Concern–

The role of Token Minority will henceforth be known as Braids.

Alright, let’s cut to the chase. High Tension (2003) is one the scariest, grab-you-by-the-throat thrillers of the decade. Director Alexandre Aja plays the audience like a baby grand, pulling us into the deceptively simple story of two co-eds on spring break in the French countryside who run afoul of a terrifying psychopathic brute. It’s an extreme horror masterpiece that unfolds like the best campfire story you ever heard on a dark, beautiful summer night. Do not Netflix this film if you’re squeamish or pussyish. Do not bring this DVD on your vacation to an isolated farmhouse. And do not watch this movie alone. You will definitely be too frightened to turn out your bedroom light. In terms of heart-stopping suspense, seeing this after seeing Harper’s Island is like tasting wood-fired Roman pizza after a lifetime of Little Caesar’s.

So hand over those coupons and I’ll ring you right up.

Young lady, you are NOT too big to shake.

Candlewick Inn library lounge, morning. Creepy Madison tells her mother Trish’s Sister that Grizzled Local Cop didn’t hurt her during their “game”, which involved Madsy waiting for Abby to rescue her. The promised prize? The return of her father, Kinky Ginger. Isn’t that neato keen, Mummy? I love how this kid is alternately precocious and moronic, depending on the needs of the scene. They should have made Madison twins, one savvy and perverse and one a big tard. Like Alexis and David Arquette. TS doesn’t tell M that Ginger was found harpooned to a dead tree and instead shoots Abby a covert dirty look as she sits at the bar alone, looking vaguely disturbed.

Who invited Aunt Flo?

Candlewick solarium. Townie shows Henry the late Widow Beef Wellington, sitting in a pool of blood in the chair she’s been stabbed through. Townie says he doesn’t know when it happened– she was warm when he found her. TMI, Townie! I’m kidding. If he copped a feel, he unfortunately did it off-camera.

Candlewick library lounge. Braids, Spiky Hair, and Trish chat at the bar. How could GLC have snatched a child?! Maybe he found out Abby was John Wakefield‘s daughter and snapped. Fish Hunk advises an adjacent Abby to ignore the gossiping. Abby expresses to FH how impossible she thinks it is that her (step?)dad GLC is a dangerously unhinged kidnapper and murderer. Also, GLC spent the night in the clinic with a severe puncture-wound from the forest booby-trap. Henry appears and asks if FH can take everyone to Seattle on his boat. FH says yes. He’ll go get “some gas”. Henry tells them all to take only what they need– they’re leaving now. FH and Townie exit. Henry says the WBW is dead in the sun room. Not much reaction, especially from Trish. If someone would just knock off TS and Madsy, it’d make things loads simpler when they read Beef Wellington‘s will. Henry tells Braids and Spiky to go get Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager. They can pick up GLC, Preppy Blonde Snot and Slutty Blonde Bitch on the way to the marina.

Ext. Harper’s Island coast. A seaplane carries State Policeguy and State Policegirl toward the island. Policegirl has a perp-folder on Goth Guy and rattles off some GG stats : 23 (yeah, me, too!), history of mental illness, nuthouse alum 2004, no criminal record. Why would this kid kill a real-estate tycoon like BW? Now I’m a recap artist, not a criminologist, but maybe the insanity has something to do with it, chiquita! Her partner is more interested in the whales frolicking below them. Policegirl is new on the job. That explains her enthusiasm… and the stupid mistakes she’ll surely soon be making, resulting in her victimhood.

Hey, Sarge– after the trial can my nephew have this?

What’s a head-spade? Policegirl asks, perusing a gory crime-scene photo of BW’s splattered head. Policeguy tells her it’s used to decapitate whales. Hey! How’d he know about Fat Party Animal? He adds that Wakefield used one during his killing spree “six or seven years ago”. It’s seven. Learn your craft! Policegirl wonders if the spadings could be connected. Wow, she’s a regular Olivia Benson. But Policeguy says nah, Wakefield’s dead.

Harper’s Island clinic. Rifles at the ready, Abby and Henry enter the clinic, encountering Slutty and Preppy who, remarkably, are dressed, but no GLC. They tell an alarmed Henry and Abby the sheriff slipped out during the night with his oxygen tank while they were “sleeping”.

VPL under a jumpsuit– that’d be the REAL crime.

Marina. We see a HI police emblem on someone’s shoulder as they watch the plane water-taxi up to the dock. Is it GLC, or some fiend about to impersonate him?! Policeguy hitches the plane and says “Morning, Sheriff”. He’s shocked when whoever it is raises his pistol and shoots him and Policegirl in the chests! They topple into the ocean. MAIN TITLES.

Wooded path. Abby and Henry return to Trish, Spiky, Braids, TS, Madison and Bosomy with the news that GLC has vanished from the clinic. Abby says the others should go ahead to the boat– she needs to locate her dad and find out what happened. Are you calling Madsy a liar?! TS snips. Maybe she’s calling her an idiot. Abby says it makes no sense: GLC’s been trying to get her off the island. She tells Henry if she doesn’t make it to the boat in time to leave without her. Henry says he’s going with Abby, prompting some too-little-too-late jealous attitude from Trish. What if GLC is the killer?! Trish tells Spiky to escort everyone to the dock. She’s going with Henry and Abby.

Marina. Fish Hunk and Townie head down the wharf to FH’s boat. They see the plane and FH says it’s state troopers come to collect GG. Townie: You really think we’re gonna make it to the mainland with all those swells? Does he mean waves or spoiled rich pricks? Beats me. Townie unmoors the boat.

Time to cast off… those clothes.

GLC’s house, attic. Henry, Trish and Abby enter. The others are waiting outside. As Trish gapes at GLC’s shrine to Wakefield and Related Murders, Abby tells Henry there must be something up here to prove her father’s not a kidnapping serial killer. Trish doesn’t help Abby’s case by finding a blueprint of the Candlewick tunnels. This proves GLC did it! More than vaguely disturbed, Abby follows Henry and Trish out of the attic.

Marina. FH’s boat pulls up to the gas pumps. But there’s no power, so Townie must fire up the generator. He’s about to, when he finds an oxygen tank sitting atop it. Yikes!

Woodland path. Henry leads the Survivor Posse out of the woods to the marina entrance. Madison asks TS “What about Daddy?” TS: Dad’s not going with us.

Photo-Shop To Do List #1

Marina gas pumps. FH waits impatiently for Townie to start the generator. Townie sees the state cops floating next to the wharf. Horrified, he flicks on the generator, which sparks and hisses, causing Townie to scream for FH to “get out of there!” A huge explosion. Townie sprints up the wharf as FH’s boat blows up! Abby tries to run to save FH, but Henry holds her back. Oh, God, no! NOT FISH HUNK!!!

Back from commercial. Pandemonium as everyone reacts to the explosion. Suddenly, shots ring out, ricocheting against the chain-link fence. Through a rifle scope, we see the Harpies flee, as the uniformed mystery fiend fires on them. Henry receives a flesh wound in the leg, but heroically leads everyone into the deserted Cannery Bar and Grill, where they better not remain tediously holed up for the rest of the episode.

Oh, God, I smell fish-sticks… and they’re burning!

Cannery. Henry barricades them in as Townie teeters on the brink of emotional collapse at the loss of his ex future life partner. Abby notices Townie’s distress and attacks: You knew something was wrong! How could you leave FH alone?!! Townie says he tried to warn FH, then reveals the cops are dead and floating in the harbor. Spiky tells Townie GLC is missing. Abby defends GLC– he couldn’t have done this, he could barely walk. Preppy says he was weak and took his oxygen with him. Townie says he saw an oxygen tank next to the generator. Preppy goes to get supplies to do first aid on Henry.

Spiky, Townie and Braids drink drafts and chat. Townie says they were just lucky everyone wasn’t on the dock or they’d all have died. Braids thinks if the killer wanted them dead, they would be. Spiky says maybe GLC is just trying to keep Abby from leaving. Bosomy says Wakefield blew up the marina seven years ago. Except this time, all the boats were blown up. Slutty says not all– Preppy rented a sailboat for their romantic cruise and it’s on the other side of the island. Preppy offers to get it and sail it back for them. Henry says no, he’ll go get it. Trish says someone else has to, Henry’s wounded. Slutty says Townie should do it. He knows boats and his way around the island. Townie says forget it, he’s not into being slaughtered. There’s a noise… someone’s at the door! Everyone trains their guns on it. “Hello?” a female voice says. It’s Pierced Tongue Waitress. She better have Purse-Dog with her!

She doesn’t. Pierced Tongue is clueless. She saw the explosions and came here because there’s no power anywhere and the bar has a generator. They tell her whoever blew up the marina was shooting at them. Bosomy acidly says maybe the culprit isn’t interested in offing the locals. Then take your big-tittied self outside, beeyotch! Townie darkly reminds her FH was local. [And the only man he'll ever love.]

What part of “power outage” does she not understand?!

Cannery kitchen. Devastated Abby tells PT that FH was on his boat when it blew up. Abby never told FH how she felt and now it’s too late. Abby says she always thought FH would be waiting for her. No offense, Abs, but you’ve been in L.A. without a word for seven long FH-free years. Even remote, tragedy-scarred islands have Facebook. And if anyone’s worth poking, it’s our Fish Hunk. PT holds her as Abby weeps. This is all my fault, Abby sobs. She reveals to PT that they all think GLC is responsible, even though Abby can’t see him as dangerously unhinged. PT cryptically says Abby hasn’t seen GLC in a long time.

The menfolk make a plan. Preppy will take PT’s car to the sailboat, then sound an airhorn when he’s in the harbor. Spiky volunteers to go with Dr Prepper. Bosomy has had enough. She’s going home. The killer didn’t try to grease PT, he’s not gonna touch her. Bosomy walks out, putting me in my fuckin place.

Photo-Shop To-Do List #2

Townie hits the premium whiskey, rebuffing Henry’s sympathy at the death of Townie’s lover best pal FH. Henry accuses Townie of constantly picking fights and insulting him and Trish. Does he hate everyone who wasn’t born on this island? Townie declares that “this place sucks”, but Henry and Trish suck more for willingly coming here. Why the hell would they want to be married here? Other than Tuscany being too pricey for a 13-hour CBS miniseries of course. Henry says no matter what Townie thinks of them and this place, someone has turned Townie’s home into a graveyard and they’re all in this together. And Henry thought Townie hated fancy-ass scotch. He does, but it’s what FH drank… [...that night in the hunting shack when FH passed out with a full erection, silky black treasure-trail glinting in the glow of the fireplace...]

Abby finds Madison at the pool table autistically bouncing billiard balls, then starts fishing for information. Abby says GLC hurt his leg badly yesterday. Did he seem okay to Madison? M says she couldn’t tell, then confides that she’s worried about her own dad. Abby resists the urge to tell the brat her dad’s deceased and a raging perv, and instead asks if M is sure, in the dark dark tunnel, that it was really GLC. Just then TS appears and shrewishly demands Abby stay away from Madsy. Trish reminds TS Abby’s the one who found the little abortion. As they bicker, M looks up and announces someone’s on the roof. Everyone freaks and aims their rifles at the ceiling. Braids warns them not to shoot– maybe the killer’s trying to set the place on fire and gunshots could ignite the fuel. If that were the case, wouldn’t it be a good idea to flambe the killer/arsonist right where he stands? If he’s going to torch the place anyway. Suddenly Bosomy plummets into view outside the window, noosed. Scream!

David Carradine’s put on weight…

Back from commercial. Disgusted that the killer is now repeating murder-methods, Abby closes the blinds on swinging dead Bosomy as the guys use liquor bottles to make molotov cocktails. They need a distraction for when Preppy and Spiky make a run for the car. Now they just have to wait until dark.

It’s dark. Preppy and Slutty share a romantic moment as she apologizes for bringing him to this wedding and prays for his safety. They kiss. She weeps. Her gives her the diamond ring to hold onto. When he gets back, he’ll have something to ask her. Slutty slips on the ring, moved. Henry says he and Braids will set a “beater truck” on fire as the distraction. PT gives Spiky her car keys, advising him to “jiggle it”. “I’m driving”, Spiky informs Preppy.

If you die, I can pawn that, right?

Ext. Cannery. Henry and Braids throw open the door and inch outside, tossing molotovs at an elderly red truck. It ignites, which seems slightly dangerous to me, not to mention like an enormous flaming neon sign saying “Hey Killer, Look Over Here!” Shouldn’t the “distraction” be more than ten feet away from the car they’re trying to abscond in? I’m a recap artist, not an action heroine, but seriously– is this the stupidest plan EVER??? Preppy kisses Slutty goodbye. PT reminds Spiky to jiggle it. Again. Spiky kisses PT goodbye. Poor Townie Abby. He She never got to do the same to FH.

Me driver, you shotgun!

“It’s time.” Henry covers them with his gun while Spiky and Preppy dash for PT’s car. But Preppy fucks up by going to the driver’s side door, blocking Spiky. He’s used to motoring in the UK, you see, and they drive on the– BLAM! Preppy takes a bullet to the chest. Spiky shoves Preppy into the car and crawls in after him as the car windows are shot out. Spiky fumbles with the ignition. “Jiggle it!” Preppy shrieks. It starts and they peel out as everyone inside cheers.

Slutty thinks one of them got hit, but no one knows for sure. There was too much smoke. Braids stays positive– he thinks they’re gonna make it. Slutty nervously twists her ring.

Harper’s Island road. Spiky slams on the brakes. He tells Preppy he’s bleeding out and needs a doctor. I am a doctor, Prep snaps, and I’m ordering you to get us to that boat! Spiky drives.

Sorry, dude. Unfortunate word choice.

Cannery. Madison tells Trish she thinks Ginger is dead.

Clinic. Spiky bursts in carrying gravely wounded Preppy. He deposits him on the exam table and scrambles for first aid supplies. He’ll bandage Preppy up then go find Dr Oldfart. Preppy: Then I’ll be dead. Spiky must remove the bullet. Preppy will teach him. I’m a recap artist, not Nurse Jackie, but I think Lesson #1 should be: shoot the lock off the meds cabinet and break out the oxymorphone suppositories.

Ext. Cannery. Bosomy hangs.

Int. Cannery. Slutty starts to lose her shit. It’s been hours, something terrible’s happened, I heard the shots! A vehicle approaches. Through the window they see the sheriff’s SUV heading straight for them. There’s something on the hood. It’s a body! The SUV brakes and an un-charred but motionless Fish Hunk rolls onto the asphalt.

He’s just sleeping, right, Mommy???!!!

Ext. Cannery. Back from commercial. We don’t know if the SUV is still there, but Henry and Braids cover Abby as she hurries out to FH and checks his sexy neck for a pulse. He’s alive! Oh, thank Christ. Abby covers them as Townie and Henry pick up FH and bring him inside.

Int. Cannery. They put FH on a pool table. Henry sends Slutty for the first-aid kit, which we can only hope will advise a completely nude physical exam. Braids asks how FH could’ve survived the blast. Townie suggests FH heard his warning and jumped in the water. PT says maybe someone other than GLC was driving the SUV. Townie scoffs at that. But why did whoever let FH live? Trish wonders. Braids finds something in FH’s hand. It’s a Candlewick key… to Abby’s room! She says she didn’t give it to him, she left it in the room. Weird!

It’s SO not necrophilia if he’s only unconscious!

Everyone’s mystified, except Townie, who declares it’s a message from GLC, who’s obviously playing a sick game with them. Trish agrees: it means GLC wants Abby to go back to the Candlewick. As if this is even worth debate, Henry says no way, it’s too dangerous. But Trish is on a roll. T: He wants you, Abby. He wants you to go back to the Candlewick. He knows how you feel about FH. He let him live… brought him here. It’s a peace offering! He’s your dad. Maybe he just wants to talk. Trish obviously wants Abby dead and doesn’t care who knows it.

Your idea is this retarded.

Henry, the lone voice of sanity, protests, but Abby’s sold. This is between her and GLC. If anyone goes with her, they’re all dead. Abby says she has to do this. She came back to HI to face her father. Now she just needs a gun. And a thorazine drip. Alas, they only have guns. Townie hands one to her and Abby exits to the parking lot.

Candlewick corridor. Abby approaches her room. The door’s open. GLC stands there. A: It is you. A terrified-looking GLC asks if FH is safe. Abby says yes, but you knew that. GLC tells her he made a deal with Wakefield to keep FH alive. When Abby says that Wakefield’s dead, GLC replies that he shot him but they never found his body so he buried some random corpse in W’s place. When Abby scoffs, GLC implores her to leave. GLC: This is a trap. I’m a trap. Abby has had enough. She yells that she’s not a little girl anymore so GLC can’t send her away! She advances to deliver a satisfying slap to the face. GLC: Don’t come near me! The panic in his voice makes her halt.

Cannery. In her best robo-moppet monotone, Madison tells Trish she lied. Abby’s dad didn’t take her. Her “new friend” did. He said she had to lie to Abby, those were the rules, and if she didn’t, TS would “disappear like Daddy”. Trish demands to know who this new friend is.

Happy Father’s Day, Gasmii!

Candlewick, Abby’s room. GLC swears Wakefield is alive, but Abby cuts him off, telling him he’s obsessed and that seeing her again triggered a breakdown. GLC pleads with her– he doesn’t want her “to see this”. Abby demands to know if she’s Wakefield’s child. No! GLC insists. Abby’s his daughter and she better not ever forget it!

Unnerved, Abby notices GLC’s hands are tied at his sides. And there’s a walkie-talkie on the dresser. She makes a move toward it. GLC: No. It’s too late for me. Fish Hunk loves you. You two can have a life together. Alarmed, Abby wants to know if the deal GLC made was his life for FH’s. GLC begs her not to watch “this”. Starting to get it, Abby asks if Wakefield was the one who dumped FH at the Cannery.

Int, SUV. A hand on an arm in the sleeve of a HI police uniform holds a walkie-talkie, listening to Abby & GLC.

Candlewick, Abby’s room. GLC: This is Wakefield’s game. He uses everything we love against us. To take us out one by one. This will never be over until he’s dead. I couldn’t do it. But you’re strong. You can finish Wakefield. I love you… SO MUCH… From outside, tires squeal. And so does Abby when GLC is yanked through the window on a rope like a grizzled local yo-yo!

Ext. Candlewick. The SUV bumper has a rope tied to it. Abby runs out onto the porch. She looks up and sees the fiendish pulley contraption enabling Wakefield to hang GLC like a grizzled local pinata. Only instead of candy, it’s filled with regrets.

Abby stares transfixed at GLC’s corpse. She’s been through a lot today, so I guess we can forgive her for not being wary of whomever hit the fatal gas pedal. In the one genuinely scary shot in this series thus far, a hulking figure appears behind her!

Turn yo skinny white ass AROUN‘!!!

It’s Wakefield. As Abby whimpers, he snatches the rifle from her hands. You look just like your mother, he sneers. OMFG how rude! That’s her real hair, not a wig, you fiend. The End!

So Wakefield’s alive. All our theorizing didn’t mean shit, Gasmii. Look at us, trying to predict those plot twists. The joke’s on us. There are no plot twists! Except for Wakefield not being dead. I guess that’s a twist. I don’t know about you, my dears, but I feel like the couch-patata equivalent of those women who let a door-to-door stranger feel their breasts because he says it’s part of the federal census.

I’m kidding of course. Molestation is not a joke. And we do have three whole episodes left, so surely one of the Harpies will turn out to have a shocking murderous secret. I know. Don’t call you Shirley.