Harper’s Island: Splash: Blondes Have Less Fun

Hello Gasmii–

Tonight’s episode is cram-packed with the two things we’ve come to expect from Harper’s Island– vicious murders and even more diabolical plotholes. It’s like they realized how stretched-thin the last two shows were and are making up for that by stepping up the output on both bodies and nonsensical behavior. Plus there’s personal growth. But no Purse-Dog. You can’t have it all.

Ext. Candlewick, night. In what those in the telenovela biz refer to as “el rollback”, they replay the super-ultra-extra-creepy climax from last week’s show, namely Abby so traumatized by her dad Grizzled Local Cop‘s murder by anti-erotic involuntary asphyxiation that she doesn’t notice dangerously unhinged ex-spree and current serial killer John Wakefield sneaking up behind her and yanking the rifle from her delicate white hands. “You look just like your mother,” he says, and not in a nice way. Although if you remember Abby’s mom and that shonda fakakta wig of hers, there is no nice way. In case you forgot:

“Why are you doing this?” Abby whimpers, voicing the frustrations of literally dozens of viewers from coast to coast. “You don’t know?” Wakefield snorts. As Abby frantically shakes her head, thinking “If I knew, would I still be on this piss-lickin’ Canadian island, jack?” we hear nearby shouts of “Abby! Abby!” and Wakefield darts off like my elementary school’s flasher (still at large as far I know). Henry and Braids come running up, shotguns cocked. Don’t even tell me they’re not gonna believe her. That would almost be as crap-tastic as the writers trying to get us to wonder if Wakefield’s all in Abby’s head. And then at the end we find out Abby’s really “Wakefield”. I’m warning you, CBS. If that’s what you have in store for us, just pull the plug right this second and play reruns of Without A Trace, because I’d rather watch Enrique Murciano try in vain to muster one believable line reading than have that be the big pay-off.

OK, it isn’t. Abby tries to grab a gun and go after Wakefield before he gets away, but Henry holds her back, telling her they’ll get the monster, but they have to be smart. No comment! Henry holds Abby tight while she shrieks with helpless rage.

That rectal temperature ain’t gonna take itself!

Cannery Bar & Grill. Pierced Tongue nurses a still-unconscious and unfortunately still-clothed Fish Hunk. She says they need to get FH to corpulent coroner Dr Oldfart, but Townie tells her it’s not safe. Slutty Blonde Bitch wonders why Wakefield would deliver FH to them. Townie says they’re not even sure it’s really Wakefield– “the kid” (meaning Creepy Madison) could be telling “stories” again (meaning pathological lies). In a noble effort to create conflict, Trish snaps to her creepy niece’s defense. Townie snaps back that Trish is responsible for sending Abby out into harm’s way. Trish’s Sister counters by insisting Trish had good reason to think Abby was the one who needed to take care of bidness. TS comforts her moon-faced daughter– no one blames M for fibbing that GLC was the one who kidnapped her, causing massive, potential deadly confusion. Townie warns Slutty to stay away from the windows. But her fiance Preppy Blonde Snot and Spiky Hair are still out there trying to retrieve a getaway sailboat!

Ext. Harper’s Island Clinic. Spiky helps a patched-up Preppy to PT’s shitbox car. I guess the network censor decided the scene we’ve all been waiting a week for, Dr Prepper coaching Spiky through semi-surgical removal of the bullet in Preppy’s chest, was just too interesting gruesome for us to see. Spiky fills us in on the off-camera hijinks: Preppy passed out before he could give Spiky any instructions, but Spiky still managed to extract the slug, clean, dress and suture the wound, and not kill Preppy. Spiky is brilliant. But he’s forgotten you have to jiggle the key to start the ignition! Apparently the writers forgot this, too, since the car starts right up and they’re on their way to snag the sailboat.

Ext. Candlewick. While Abby stands aside, traumatized, Henry and Braids pack GLC’s tarped corpse into the back of the sheriff’s SUV, agreeing they should get back to the Cannery– “it’s not safe”! No, it certainly isn’t, but how decent of you to spend so many vulnerable minutes cutting down and wrapping a dead man with a brutal superhuman psychopath on the loose! What with the substantially reduced cast, Braids is getting more lines than ever now. Unfortunately, this is one: “All these bodies. One guy. How the hell does one guy do all this?!” Actually, this dialogue is rather useful, ironically indicating to us as it does that there’s clearly more than one killer. Abby tells the boys that GLC’s dying words assured her he was indeed her father. Good to know. Now MOVE YOUR ASSES!

This show only needs one blonde strumpet, so just hang it up, bar trash!

Cannery. TS asks Madison if John Wakefield is the one who told her people died on this island. Yuppers, M replies. On the first day, while she was picking flowers for her flower-girl basket. Has this kid never seen that Winnie-the-Pooh video about Stranger Danger?! They need to get an anatomically correct doll so she can show them where he touched her. As TS and Trish exchange traumatized glances, Madison petulantly reminds TS that M told her about her “new friend” ages ago. Madison wants to know if her daddy Kinky Ginger is dead. Yes, TS tearfully confirms, which would have been a fine place for Madsy to display a reaction of some sort, but let’s face it, no one’s mistaking her for Abigail Breslin. They actually have to cut away to reaction shots of Townie, PT and FH, who, though comatose, gives us more than this kid. Finally, Robo-Moppet gets out “Is-Abby-going-to-die-because-of-me”. Trish and TS assure the tyke that Abby will be back real soon.

Sheriff SUV. They’re still screwing around. Abby looks for the keys under the sun visor and finds a perky pic of herself GLC obviously fondly put there. Abby’s traumatized expression turns deadly. “I’m gonna kill John Wakefield!” MAIN TITLES.

Ext. Harper’s Island road. Abby obviously couldn’t find those keys, because now Abby, Henry and Braids, each toting a shotgun, walk and talk about things we already know: GLC rescued Fish Hunk for Abby. And ask questions we already know the answer to: If this is all about Wakefield getting revenge on GLC and making him look bad, now that GLC is dead, is Wakefield done? (Let me assure them: That’d be no.)

Check two inches above the right ear for the “666″.

Cannery. Last episode they were using candles but at some point the generator kicked in and they turned on a couple lamps. Now Slutty asks PT how long the generator will last. Probably not long enough, she says, adding that the cable from the mainland was cut, along with the cell tower and landlines. Everything. Including Wi-Fi, DirecTV and SiriusXM Radio. TS says someone’s got to notice the huge marina explosion earlier. Townie says it’s in a deep harbor and not visible from the mainland. PT says no one there will notice if they don’t hear from anyone on the island for a few days. And the dead State Policeguy and Girl? Won’t someone miss those bozos? Sure, eventually, Townie scoffs. I personally think dispatching them to pick up a multiple murder suspect and then losing all radio contact an hour later could might maybe perhaps send up a red flag, but that’s just me.

Slutty turns on Trish– why did she decide to get married on this stupid island?! Before she can answer, Wakefield kicks down the door and enters with a huge blade, glowering at them.

Today’s Quickfire: Harpies Tard-tare

Just take her, sir. You’d be doing us all a favor.

The only person with the brains to point a gun at the fiend is PT, but Wakefield pushes it aside, then skewers her below the boobs before she can squeeze another shot off.

The good news: those cobwebs on the ceiling? GONE.

The bad news: organ failure & exsanguination.

TS, Slutty and Madison scurry back to the bathroom. Trish grabs a rifle but instead of grabbing one himself or ordering Trish to blow Wakefield away, Townie shoos her back toward the crapper and faces off against Wakefield with a puny hunting knife. “You don’t scare me!” Townie ludicrously yells, lunging at Wakefield with his teeny flaccid knife.

Cannery bathroom. Instead of blasting Wakefield’s head off, Trish uses her rifle to bat open the window and ushers Slutty and Madison through.

Barroom. Townie keeps trying to cut Wakefield, who jabs him in the shoulder with his razor-sharp, two-foot, double-edged sword. Then the stomach. Then down the length of his arm. All very painfully, from Townie’s agonized man-screams.

Bathroom. Trish aims the rifle at the door. Instead of running out and taking advantage of the fact that Wakefield HAS NO GUN.

Barroom. Townie swings at Wakefield, trying to land a punch. This just amuses the super-monstrous killer, who impales Townie with his enormous shiny blade. Townie hits the deck, looking pretty dead.

Stop Or My Puffy Bride Will Shoot

Bathroom. TS wants Trish to come through the window instead of bravely aiming at the restroom door. Trish says she’s coming and tells TS to go! TS goes. Trish hears Wakefield coming and fires through the door, which flies open, revealing Wakefield, as Trish appears to be out of ammo. Wakefield glares at her sadistically, relishing her imminent well-deserved death. But Townie has dragged himself to the bathroom door, providing enough distraction for Trish to escape. Wakefield glares at him sadistically, then moves forward for the kill.

Ext. Marina. The panicked ladies scamper away from the Cannery. Trish says Wakefield got Townie and FH (excuse me, you don’t know that!!) but she knows where the gals can go.

Ext. Private dock. Preppy and Spiky arrive but there’s no sailboat. Looks like they’re stuck! Preppy says it’s all his fault for going to the wrong side of the car. Spiky says if he hadn’t, the bullet would’ve hit S. Preppy insists that his medical attention pit-stop cost them their way off the island. Spiky tries to make him feel better. For all they know, the sailboat could’ve been gone for days. Spiky makes a joke about banging Slutty then joshingly elbows Preppy in his wound. Looks like they’re gonna be friends after all. They head back to the car.

Ext. Cannery. Henry, Abby and Braids tote their shotguns toward the bar entrance. The front door’s open and a tired redneck oldie blasts from the jukebox.

Int. Cannery. The three enter and are horrified to see Townie, strung up and butchered!

It’s like that N*SYNC video, but less atrocious.

Back from commercial. PT lies dead on the floor. Braids clobbers the jukebox, silencing “Brandy”. Henry checks the place. Everyone’s gone, including Fish Hunk. Abby and Henry are relieved their love interests seem to have escaped. Braids provides the promo sound-bite. Braids (staring at Townie): He’s not done. He’s nowhere near done. A-men, sistah.

GLC’s house, attic. Trish leads the Pussy Posse into GLC’s Wakefield and Related Murders Shrine, explaining that she came here with Abby and Henry when they were looking for GLC. Trish bolts the trapdoor as Madsy checks out the bulletin boards of CHOTSONA (Concisely Headlined On-Topic Sequentially Ordered News Articles, in case you were absent.) TS pulls her away from them, because some newspaper clippings might be upsetting after play-dates with a serial killer and witnessing live homicides. Way to parent, TS! Slutty says it’s as if GLC was “just waiting for Wakefield to happen again.” Whatever, Paris. You try creating such a cleverly instructional obsessive shrine.

Cannery. As Henry covers bodies and checks ammo, Abby says that Wakefield’s changed the game. Before, he was content to pick victims off from the shadows. Since GLC’s murder, he’s stepping out. He wanted Abby to see him. She says Wakefield could have slipped away and people would have blamed GLC for the killings. What vile plan does he have in store for them?!! Braids starts to lose his shit– Wakefield’s not gonna stop until they’re all dead and I can’t handle it, man!!! Abby says check yo’self befo’ you wreck yo’self! They have to finish this.

When I grow up, can my carpet and drapes not match, too???

GLC’s attic. When TS shudders at Wakefield’s heinousness, Madison says he was nice to her. John Wakefield is a sociopath! Slutty snaps semi-hilariously. Then, feeling bad for hollering at the tot, Slutty explains that some bad people pretend to be nice to get what they want. LIke Jay Leno. Trish snoops through GLC’s file cabinet until she finds blueprints showing the underground tunnels beneath the Candlewick extend all over the island. This is how Wakefield gets around! From outside, a church bell tolls. Slutty, TS and Trish look vaguely disturbed.

Cannery. Henry thinks the bell could be Daphne Trish. Velma Abby says it could be a trap.

GLC’s attic. Trish and Slutty are in a lather about what the bell could mean. Henry! Preppy! Rescue! They’ll take guns and check out while TS and Madison wait. Junior Leaguer TS isn’t too keen on hiding in some attic like common Jews but Trish convinces her she and Slutty have to check it out.

Ext. Harper’s Island churchyard. Scooby and The gang meet up in front of the church. Henry and Trish exchange hugs. Trish politely asks about Townie when she knows damn well he’s dead thanks to her one-woman Chick Power Outage. Abby is alarmed to learn FH didn’t leave with Pussy Posse. The bells have mysteriously stopped ringing. And Abby’s gonna find out why, dammit!

Int. church. It’s dark and deserted. Abby wants to check the belfry. But first Braids wants to light a candle and pray. Your recap artist is Puerto Rican and even I wouldn’t be that Catholic. Trish shines her flashlight on yellow police tape around the chandelier that head-spaded her dad, the late Beef Wellington. She gets choked up but will be okay, thanks, Henry. H tells her GLC is dead and T offers condolences to A. Oh, and sorry for being a hysterical reactionary twat. Abby forgives her and they’re about to share a warm moment when, thank Christ, they’re interrupted by Slutty’s bloodcurdling shriek. A Deputy with a slashed throat is parked in a pew. No biggie.

What a terrible waste. There’s nothing on this island even remotely worth looting!

Suddenly, tires squeal and headlights flash outside, scaring the shit out of everyone. As they focus guns and attention on the door, they fail to see Wakefield is a few feet away in the darkness. Spiky and Preppy enter to everyone’s relief. Except Slutty, who’s suddenly missing. “Sluuuuuuutty!” Preppy yells. Get used to that, Gasmii.

Back from commercial. It’s suddenly morning. Everyone’s freaking out about still-vanished Slutty, especially her ornery hobbit fiance. Suddenly, Daphne Trish has it– Wakefield snatched Slutty and took her into a tunnel under the church, it’s right here on this blueprint! Banging and clanging from the other side of the church. Rifles up! The door opens– it’s Fish Hunk, a little pale and grimy but still beautiful.

As Abby embraces him, FH whispers that he saw Townie eat it. Henry asks how FH got out. He claims he woke up, saw PT and Townie and hobbled out to find help in town. But it’s empty. He heard the church bells and came here. FH asks how he got to the Cannery. The last thing he remembers was Townie yelling something to him at the docks. Wakefield brought you, Trish says. Abby confirms that the notorious spree killer is alive. FH: Then why didn’t he kill me? Um, cuz you’re his fuckable first-born, no one replies.

Wanna do The Amazing Race together?

Preppy calls them over to a trapdoor leading down into a tunnel which they better not be about to spend the rest of this episode in. Consulting the blueprints, they quickly ascertain there are three entrances to the network of recycled sets subterranean tunnels: church, Candlewick, storm drain. There’s also a mystery tunnel branching out to an unmarked destination… It seems like only yesterday Frank and Joe were embarking on their last adventure, Danger On Vampire Trail. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Henry issues commands. Trish and Fish Hunk, take PT’s car and block off the storm drain entrance. PT won’t mind, she’s dead. (And it’ll be especially convenient if FH turns out to be Wakefield’s dangerously unhinged co-conspirator/chip off the psycho block and needs to take a lead character hostage.) Spiky and Braids, go to the Candlewick and seal off the tunnel there. Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager won’t mind, she’s dead. Henry, Abby and Preppy will hit the tunnel and find Slutty.

Ext. Storm Drain. Wakefield deposits a terrified Slutty in an open-air storm-grate prison cell. Why are you doing this to us?! she shrieks. We didn’t do anything to you! Leering down at her through the grate at the top, the bloodthirsty butcher snarls, I almost died for a woman like you. Mr. Wakefield, you really MUST stop comparing our series-regular starlets to Abby’s woefully wigged mom. These girls already have self-esteem issues. Slutty feistily growls that her friends are gonna find her and then kill Wakefield! Which is kind of asking for it, if you want my opinion. To show her who’s boss, Wakefield taunts her by jabbing his giant blade through the grate then leaves.

You are so mega-lucky I can’t Tweet right now, Mister, ‘cuz it would be BRUTAL!

Massacre Woods. Spiky and Braids hurry down the trail, exchanging information we already know. Then Spiky says how inspirational Preppy’s love for Slutty is, because that’s how brahs keep it real with each other. If my boyfriend started talking like that, I’d immediately perform a vagina check.

Tunnel. Abby, Henry and Preppy search. Henry warns Preppy to proceed with caution but Preppy says they need to hurry if they want to find Slutty alive. For the 38th time this episode, someone (Prep) asks why Wakefield is doing this to them. Some suit at CBS obviously felt it was important we know how bewildered the characters are, because that makes them terrified and terror tests well. Or that we repeatedly be reminded that there’s still plenty of mystery left, since last week they basically revealed there was no mystery since the killer turned out to be The Killer.

Candlewick kitchen. Spiky and Braids board up the tunnel door. Spiky says if he gets out of this alive, he needs to make some life changes, open himself up to people. Note from CBS– We need to feel as if the supporting characters are experiencing personal growth. Perhaps they should have also requested these characters had personality traits beyond their hairstyles. Just a thought. Braids says Spiky isn’t guarded, he’s scared. Make that REALLY scared, since someone is now pounding on the just-sealed tunnel door! Spiky and Braids aim their guns, then fire at the door, blowing alarmingly big holes in it. The noise stops and they wonder if they “got him”. Braids moronically leans in for a closer look and just misses getting his head speared with Wakefield’s giant sharpened blade! They hear what sounds like footsteps clattering away back down into the tunnel. Then they decide they have to go in there and rescue their friends. There you have it, personal growth. Which seems a lot like TOTAL FUCKING STUPIDITY.

Dude, are you ovulating?

GLC’s attic. TS scolds Madison– young lady, stop reading those Wakefield files! I’m not, M whines. The sheriff has lots of stuff on someone else we know. TS snatches the dossier from her daughter and takes a peek, becoming vaguely disturbed.

Tunnel. Preppy hears something. Henry says it sounds like water. They run ahead and discover a sewer pipe. Crawling through, Abby, Prep and Henry emerge in the forest, behind a chain-link fence. Below is a scenic river running through a gorge. Preppy bellows out Slutty’s name.

Storm-grate. Slutty screams for Preppy. Then Wakefield stomps onto the storm-grate above her head. Is your fiance willing to die for you, he fiendishly asks.

Back from commercial. Massacre Woods. Henry, Abby and Preppy hike down a trail, Prep still calling to Slutty. Abby tells Henry she doesn’t know where they are. Then Preppy thinks he hears something faint– it’s Slutty! He runs in the direction he thinks it’s coming from, Abby and Henry tagging along. Preppy turns back toward Abby and Henry and suddenly Abby sees Wakefield looming above them. She tells Prep to get down and fires at W, missing. W disappears into the forest, Abby in hot pursuit. Henry tells Preppy to find Slutty and get her out of here, then takes off after Abby. She says they’re ending this– if Henry has a shot at Wakefield, take it, even if she’s in the way. Henry says that’s insane. A: Then stay outta my way.

Wakefield appears, then goes deeper into the woods, leading them on. Suddenly, Abby and Henry stumble across a huge vine covered totem pole. Abby remembers this place– she used to come here with Fish Hunk.

So which mouth do we order through???

Slutty hears Preppy and starts screaming for him. He hears her and tries to find her, attempting to cross a concrete water main bridging the gorge. But his way is blocked by a locked chain-link door. He scrambles down the embankment and finds her storm-grate cell. She’s hysterical as he tries to pry the upper grate off, finally shooting the latch off. He pulls her to safety then puts his gun down so he can propose marriage. She joyfully accepts, then squeals in horror– Wakefield is standing thirty feet away, wielding his humongous sword of death. Preppy fires, hits inches from Wakefield’s boot, then has trouble reloading, so they flee across the water main, coming to the same or an identical locked chain-link door. Wakefield marches toward them.

This can’t end well.

Preppy tells Slutty to climb over the guard-rail fence and inch past the door to freedom. He helps her over but instead of climbing to safety, she waits for him, watching, frozen with fright, as Wakefield bears down on Preppy. Prep tells her he loves her, then turns his rifle around to use as a bat, but Wakefield wrests it away and tosses it into the river. Then Wakefield rams the wickedly long blade through Preppy’s clavicle as Slutty screams and screams and screams. As an appropriately overwrought Civil Twilight song begins, Wakefield tosses Preppy’s body into the river then turns to Slutty.

See?

From the bluff, Abby and Henry see Wakefield and Slutty on the bridge. Wakefield extends the bloody mega-dagger toward Slutty. “You can’t have me”, she tells him in an eerie dead voice and then falls backward in a suicide dive, her body ending up floating next to Preppy’s far below. Abby skewers Wakefield with a look of pure adrenalized hatred. Wakefield gives Abby a look of pure cold-blooded evil then walks back across the bridge.

Braids and Spiky emerge alive from the sewer pipe and head off down the gorge, brahs to the end.

GLC’s attic. TS sifts through the file. We see a news clipping headlined “Is Killer Working Alone” then a Seattle Police Department mug sheet… for FISH HUNK.

Harpers Island road. PT’s car is parked on the sewer grate most recently graced with Madison’s waggling white mitt. In he driver’s seat, Trish is slumped over, eyes shut. FH watches her from the passenger side. Her hand is on the rifle between them. He puts his hand on it, taking it from her. She jolts awake, startled. He tells her she shouldn’t sleep holding a loaded gun. She relinquishes it and goes back to sleep, as he watches her…

VAGUELY DISTURBED.

I still don’t believe it. Not him. No. Not…. Fish…. Hunk…………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute. I smell herring in red sauce!

If FH is dangerously unhinged, why did GLC not only not warn Abby about him when GLC caught her having slept over at FH’s house six or seven thousand episodes ago, how come GLC brokered a deal trading his own life for FH’s??? The only info GLC didn’t have is the whole Wakefield-has-a-kid bit which was in W’s journal. I think FH will be vindicated right before Henry almost takes him out (as in kills, not “to a show”) in the super-electrifying series finale on July 11.

One last note– If somehow you haven’t seen True Blood yet (and I know, HBO is expensive) treat yourself to Season One, now available on DVD. If you’ve been watching Harper’s Island for eleven weeks, you deserve it!