Harper’s Island: Gasp & Sigh: The One With The Incest

Hola Chicos y Chicas–

This may be the last time we meet on Harper’s Island as Gasmii and recap artist, but the good folks at CBS have done their damnedest to delay our hasta la vista as long as possible. Last Saturday, July 4, they told us loyal viewers to suck a roman candle and re-ran the first episode in most markets. In others, they broadcast the three-hour 1972 Ben Franklin/Thomas Jefferson musical 1776… and doubled HI‘s usual rating to a 1.4. As a result, Episodes 12 & 13 are crammed together for a two-hour block in order to absolutely cement the “lamest horror movie of the year” analogy.

Make sure you don’t scroll down in advance or you’ll spoil all my photo spoilers!

Ext. Massacre Woods, day. Wakefield and Henry & Abby play cat and mouse in the forest. The kids worry that the sadistic super-maniac may try to finish off the members of the gang still stumbling through the network of underground tunnels.

Cut to Braids and Spiky Hair on shotgun patrol in a particularly nicely atmospheric section of misty, eerie woods. Spiky gets the idiot ball rolling fast by suggesting they’d cover more ground by splitting up. To his credit, Braids thinks this is some wack bullshit. It seems like neither of them even remember who or what they’re looking for, and that makes three of us.

Island road. Pierced Tongue‘s car is still parked on the storm grate cover, but as Trish wakes up, Fish Hunk is now gone. So is the rifle. If FH is indeed dangerously unhinged, he missed out on a perfectly good opportunity to get rid of the most annoying survivor with a driver’s license, feeding into my theory that FH is no killer. But they’ll definitely be trying to milk as much suspense out of The Sexiest Man Still Alive, proven by an immediate scare as FH pops up beside Trish’s window.

Does this look infected to you?

He tells her there’s a freighter a quarter-mile out to sea which he spotted from the bluffs. Wait a minute, he left her there alone? Wait a minute, you left me here alone, Trish squawks. He doesn’t reply and instead tells her they’ll use the flares he found in the car to signal the ship. The car is blocking the storm grate, let’s go.

Cut to Braids, alone in the woods, being stalked by Wakefield and his giant double-edged blade. Just as Wakefield is about to inject some diversity into his kill-resume, Spiky pops up and fires at the homicidal hellraiser. It was a trap to flush the fiend out! Wakefield grabs his face and hits the dirt. Abby and Henry run up, guns drawn. It looks like the bullet or buckshot or whatever grazed or peppered the slasher above his right ear. Spiky invites Abby to do the honors and blow the bloodthirsty bastard away. Wakefield sneeringly raises his arms in surrender. Abby aims at his head, then…. bashes him in the face with the gun butt. Name that Garbage song! That’s right: “Moronic Bitch”. (It was a B-side.) MAIN TITLES

I can always get a new ear but you douchebags are gonna die stupid.

Spiky incredulously demands to know why they’re not finishing the job. Despite the fact that Wakefield is a near-superhuman monster who’s murdered most everyone they know, Braids, Henry and Abby are fine with waiting for the proper authorities to take him into custody for a fair trial. They’ll tie him up and wait for the cops. Spiky’s objections are duly noted.

Cut to FH and Trish at the bluffs. Hmmm. There’s no sign of any ship. How could it have passed so fast? Beats me, FH, the one with the gun, says, eyeing Trish rather strangely as she inches closer to the edge of the cliff.

Cut to Wakefield and the gang. Spiky and Braids bind him with belts. In my opinion, this will hardly subdue a strapping spree killer. They should at least reinforce things with every garment FH has on. Henry applauds Abby’s responsible decision to let Wakefield live. But she’s having doubts. He did dispatch both of her parents and Abby’s own father told her to off him. Spiky grumbles to Braids that it’s Abby’s dad Grizzled Local Cop‘s fault for not icing Wakefield when he had the chance.

And we’re only letting you out one hour a day for exercise!

Sheriff’s station. Henry & Braids shove Wakefield into a holding cell and lock the door. Henry will go get Trish and FH and Abby will fetch Trish’s Sister and Creepy Madison from GLC’s attic. The state police will eventually show up looking for their colleagues who disappeared two or three hundred episodes ago. Spiky doesn’t want to wait around. Braids suggests going door-to-door till they find someone who can radio the mainland. They can meet back here. Henry and Trish exit.

Braids tries to justify to Spiky and all 22 of us watching that they need Wakefield alive to find out the vicious butcher’s motives. Spiky ignores this liberal mierda del toro and digs through file cabinets and lockers, looking for something we don’t see yet. Braids nervously follows his vengeance-minded pal into the jail area. Spiky tells Wakefield to back away from the bars. Wakefield defiantly disobeys and Spiky tasers the shit out of him. Spiky and Braids prepare to move the Deputy‘s ventilated corpse from the cell area.

Island road. Henry is alarmed to discover PT’s car is empty with the keys in it. He runs off, yelling for his fiancee.

Sheriff’s station. Abby returns with TS and Madison. Braids and Spiky don’t tell her about the tasering. Madison annoys Spiky, who’s tinkering with a bashed-in radio. Wakefield stirs from his electro mini-coma. Madison hears him, and since TS has nodded off, the moon-faced moppet sneaks back to the cells.

What makes you think the sheriff is Jewish?

Agitated Henry enters, reporting that Trish and FH are missing. As Braids and Abby reassure him, TS wakes up at the mention of FH, whose criminal file had apparently slipped her mind until now. TS tells them she saw FH’s mug shot and arrest record. He was also a murder “suspeck” in Seattle. Henry says GLC must’ve been looking at FH as a Wakefield copycat. As this vaguely disturbing news sinks in, Madison enters and tells Abby Wakefield wants to talk to her.

Back from commercial. Abby approaches Wakefield, demanding to know what he did to FH and Trish. And BTW Wakefield can’t turn her against FH the way he tried to do with GLC by trying to frame him for the killings. Wakefield, hands belted behind his evil back, says he started killing again because of Abby. whatWhatWHAT?! !? Wakefield asks if his ex-girlfriend Abby’s mom loved GLC or was he just “taking care of her” [and her cheap wig habit]. Abby affirms that Mom was indeed mad about GLC. Sensitive Wakefield flinches a little at this, then asks if Mom loved him so much why didn’t she tell GLC about “our child”?

Yeah, I get off on broads in bad wigs! SFW?!?

Spiky lays out the FH Facts for troubled Henry: FH’s boat explodes but FH survives. Then Wakefield drops FH off at The Cannery, alive. Henry says that was just a ploy to get Abby to come to the Candlewick to watch GLC’s murder. Spiky says it was too coincidental that FH slept through the Cannery killings then conveniently showed up at the church. Braids adds that FH could have easily rigged the chandelier to head-spade father-of-the-bride Beef Wellington, what with FH’s familiarity with the tool. (Yes, I’m sure FH has plenty of call to decapitate whales on that boat of his.) TS says FH had no motive to start butchering wedding guests he barely knew. Except for Abby, Henry says, starting to dig into the Herring In Red Sauce. Spiky declares that Abby’s return to the island sparked this whole mess. FH had to have been miffed that Abby blew him off for seven years– what better way to stick it to her than to team up with her arch-nemesis Wakefield!

Abby doubts that Mom had a kid with this psychopath. Wakefield reminds her that Abby has considered the possibility, even that the kid could be Abby herself. But she’s not. W: My baby was inside your mother before she ever dreamed of you!

Henry and Spiky are about to search for Trish when FH enters and tells them she fell off the bluff and he couldn’t get to her. He explains they left the car to signal a ship. Henry confiscates FH’s rifle as FH notices everyone staring at him like he’s dangerously unhinged. FH says whatever’s going on, they need to get a rope and rescue Trish.

Wakefield says he loved Mom. No, Abby corrects, you killed her. W: She stole from me! Threw away my child, my family. There’s a price for that. What kinda bitch gives up her own child? A wants to know how W knows Mom even had the kid. W: Because I found him. At this point, I’m starting to think Henry is Mystery Baby Wakefield. Not only is that salsa del herring WAY too red, but fear of incest (Henry’s and CBS’s) would also explain why we’ve never even gotten a flicker of sexual tension between Henry and Abby. And to think I’d dismissed that as lazy writing. Shame on me! These writers aren’t lazy, they’re just bad.

Out of both control and focus

Henry, in full wet-cat mode, lunges at FH. Abby runs in before the mob starts ripping FH‘s clothes off apart. Henry says FH will lead them to Trish, and he better hope she’s there. Leia: Or else what? You have someone in a jail cell who DEFINITELY killed like 20 people and you barely touched him.

Bluffs. FH, Henry, Abby and Spiky look for Trish. FH defensively says he couldn’t make it down there alone so he went for help. Abby mentions the ledge Trish might have landed safely on when she fell. Or was pushed, Henry snips. He’s going down the rope first.

Sheriff’s station. The very disposable TS, Madison and Braids psycho-sit and eat Pop-Tarts, which are not identified by brand name. Madison mentions the last time she ate was in her tunnel room. Wakefield didn’t give her the food, someone else brought it, but she didn’t see who. TS is perturbed to learn that once more Madsy obfuscated a key fact about her abduction, in this case that Wakefield definitely has an accomplice. She gives Madison a terrible beating.

Just kidding.

If only.

Must… have… more… sugar…

Abby, FH, Spiky and Henry are now down on the beach. Henry and Spiky point guns at FH and demand to know where Trish is or they’ll “blow him away”. Some threat (see above).

Back from commercial. Abby pleads with the guys to stop accusing FH of being in cahoots with Wakefield– it’s just what the beastly brute wants them to do! Abby throws herself in front of FH– Henry, no! You’re not a killer either! This less-than-gripping stalemate is interrupted when Trish appears on the, yes, ledge above them. She’s fine. Except for causing the deaths of Townie, Slutty and Preppy by not blowing away Wakefield at The Cannery. Maybe they should shoot her, too. In fact, I’m all for it.

Must-Flee TV

Trish says she lost her grip and fell into the water. But she found a boathouse and a radio. Come on! She leads them to to it a short ways down the beach and they go inside. The radio has power but she couldn’t reach anyone. FH tries the Coast Guard distress channel and maydays for help. No answer. As FH and Spiky squabble over the radio, Henry defends his actions RE: FH to Abby. Trish wants to know what’s up so they tell her about GLC’s secret file and everyone’s fear that FH is helping Wakefield. Trish insists the fall was her own stupid fault. Just as Henry starts to quiz Trish about the boat FH supposedly saw, the Coast Guard crackles over. Trish tells them they have notoriously depraved maniac John Wakefield in custody after another murder spree that included Sheriff GLC and zillionaire turd BW. The Coast Guard’s contending with “weather” but should rescue them within four hours. The Harpies start grinning and kissing each other, so count on things not going well. Besides, we’re barely 25% through this Return of the King of modern Murder, She Wrotes.

OMFG!!!! fh’s like tot staring@ U!!!! WTG

Now that everything’s calm and quaint again on the island (not to mention less crowded), Henry will escort Trish to the Candlewick for some dry clothes, while Spiky mans the radio and Abby and FH alert the folks at the station that help is coming and (if she’s lucky) finally fuck. Spiky tries to pick a fight with FH and Henry looks vaguely disturbed when Abby hands FH her rifle, but Abby won’t have any of this anti-FH nonsense and walks out with FH. As Trish and Henry exit, Spiky tells them he still doesn’t trust FH!

nvm he lookd away WE ttyl LYLS

Candlewick, honeymoon suite. Trish enjoys a hot shower and tells Henry how safe she feels now that Wakefield’s locked up and help is on the way. Henry says her suitcase is on the bed. He needs to go find his. She tells him to be careful! Her vaguely disturbed look continues as she emerges clad in a towel and opens her pink lady-suitcase, removing her plastic-encased wedding gown. Henry enters with their surviving family members’ luggage and finds Trish wearing the dress. She professes her love and they begin kissing tastefully but quickly heat up.

Okay, I’m The Bride and you’re Recently Paroled Rapist Veil Salesman.

Sheriff’s station. The perfect place for a match-cut to TS and Braids pashing out while Madison watches from under a desk, licking her cold little lips. But no. They’re just chit-chatting and trying to clarify things with M. She’s positive there was someone else down there with her and Wakefield but she doesn’t know if it was a male or female. She never saw them or heard their voice. She asks if Wakefield was always bad, even as a tot. Over a cut-away to Wakefield in his cell, patiently trying to loosen his bonds, Braids says W was in jail a long time and that can change someone. (Except he was IN prison for the Big Massacre of Aught-One. Braids, please try to keep up.) TS is convinced Wakefield was born bad. (Like your dead-eyed daughter, honey???) Wakefield finishes freeing his hands, then loops the belt in his hands, scowling with predatory rage!

Massacre Woods. FH and Abby walk and talk. As she and we certainly know by now, he was angry when she took off in 2001. He got into fights and GLC put him jail a couple times, hence the FH file. What about that malfeasance in Seattle, she asks. FH shrugs it off. He was trying to get work on the docks (that’s hot), “someone got killed” and since FH was new in town and asleep nearby in his truck [the cash from his first trick wadded up in the pocket of his unbuttoned flannel shirt with the sleeves cut off] the cops hauled him in, questioned and released him.

Abby presses– why did GLC keep the file in his Wakefield shrine? FH says he was a good cop and developed a friendship with FH to keep an eye on him. Then FH says he needs to confess something. Abby freezes. After she left, FH swore that if he ever saw her again he’d break her heart. Not literally, I am guessing, but he goes on. He’d wanted to hurt Abby the way she hurt him, but when he saw her walk off the boat with the wedding party, all was forgiven. All he felt was love. Abby still looks kind of tense, but that melts into a tasteful kiss and a warm embrace.

Sheriff’s station. Abby and Braids play cards and discuss the merits of “Hansel and Gretel”. Suddenly M screams. Wakefield is behind Braids, choking him with what is quite possibly Braids’s own belt. Braids tells TS and M to flee as once more the presence of a handy rifle does none of our heroes any good. Braids smacks W in the head with a phone and they brawl across the office. W gets Braids in some sort of wrestling hold and forces his head toward a wicked sharp spike people in horror movies often use to control stray paperwork. SQUUNCH! Braids is tastefully skewered through the face. Wakefield triumphantly rolls him off the desk.

Dude, I’m starting to get your point!

Honeymoon suite. Back from commercial. Trish and Henry’s fully dressed couch-canoodling is interrupted by a loud rap on the door. Henry says hello, but there’s no response. Trish starts to freak, but Henry assures her it’s OK. He picks up a shotgun and opens the door. No one’s there. Henry warily peeks outside. Nothing. Henry tells medium-freaking Trish to stay here, lock the door, he’ll be right back, then picks up his sweater and exits.

Massacre Woods. FH hears something, raises his gun. But it’s just TS and Madison with the horrific news that Wakefield escaped and may have just killed their only black friend. They have to tell Henry & Trish at the hotel. Sounds like a perfect time to split up! They give TS directions to the boathouse and their only gun and send her and Madsy away.

Honeymoon suite. A forbidding shadow falls across the door. Henry? Trish asks, alerting the killer she’s inside alone. The knob rattles. Trish keeps talking until Wakefield has no choice but to bust through the door. Trish screams and darts into the other room, locking that door like it’ll do any good. She breaks the window with a lamp, throws herself onto the ground and runs away. It’s lucky she didn’t change because what 13-hour horror film about a destination wedding-cum-bloodbath would be complete without a woman fleeing in a wedding dress.

Abby and FH approach the honeymoon suite, noticing the wide-open door and smashed window. Unarmed, they creep in, calling for the almost-weds. But no one’s there.

Run, chola, run!

Massacre Woods. Trish flees, her Vera Wang surprisingly aerodynamic. But she’s barefoot in a forest so of course she stumbles, negating any possibility of exchange for store credit. Wakefield is hot on her trail but she mercifully runs smack into Henry. Make that mercilessly… because in a calm creepy voice he tells her HE gave Wakefield the key to the jail cell because THEY’RE WORKING TOGETHER. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_______ Portrait of a Serial Killer

Trish, like us, can’t believe it. But when he starts shoving her around saying “it had to happen on our wedding night”, she realizes he’s nuttier than pesto. Trish spews venom and tries to thrash away. Until she suddenly stops, Henry’s knife buried in her back. Wakefield stands nearby, watching Trish die. Henry: Hey, Dad. END OF PART ONE

Come back after ya fuck some of that baby-fat off!

FLASHBACK. “Harper’s Island, 16 Years Ago”.

GLC’s house, day. Young Abby and Young Henry (who could be Samoan and not look less like Christopher Gore-ham) toy with a soccer ball on the living room floor as slightly less GLC fondly looks on. YA says she’s going to practice so much she’ll beat YH’s butt when he comes back next summer. GLC tells her not to say “butt”. (Cuz that’s so out-of-line vulgar. Why not call Jenny Jones and have her sent to one of those trendy teen boot camps?) There’s a knock at the door. It’s YH’s family, Montgomery Ward parents and Young Goth Guy, tow-headed and tatt-free. They’re heading back a little early this year. Abby’s mom, possibly wigged but it’s hard to tell with the hazy flashback photography, comes out to say goodbye. She and YH’s mom share a covert, knowing glance over the kids’ heads.

YH and YA scamper out the door and run down to the beach. YH says he wishes he lived on Harper’s Island year-round instead of boring Tacoma. YA whispers something in his ear and he says “me, too”. The lovely seaside idyll is shattered by YH’s dad yelling for him to come back. YH hands his precious soccer ball to YA and goes to his parents.

We’re registered at Fisher & Diaz.

Now. Massacre Woods. Henry stands over Trish’s body. “You cared for her,” Wakefield says. Henry says “she was harder than the others”. W: She served her purpose. Nothing else matters. Henry asks if Braids put up much a fight. W: He didn’t embarrass himself. W says only TS and Madison got away. Henry tells him the Coast Guard is coming, they only have a couple hours. He hears Abby calling to him, then follows Wakefield back into the woods.

Boathouse. Paranoid Spiky is startled when TS and Madison burst in. Wakefield’s escaped and someone’s helping him. Duh, Fish Hunk, Spiky spits. TS doesn’t think so. He’s with Abby. Spiky wants to know where his bro Braids is. They indicate things don’t look good for Braids. Spiky screams and kicks something, then gets back on the radio to tell the Coast Guard Wakefield’s on the loose and BTW, where the fuck are they?! Still fighting weather. The chopper’s standing by waiting for clearance. They are up shit creek, roger that! Spiky notices a rowboat hanging overhead. He tells TS and M they’re “getting off this island”!

What’s “pity-sex” and why does my mom want it from you?

Massacre Woods. FH & Abby search for Henry & Trish. They find Trish, dead on the path in her bridal gown. Henry & Wakefield look down on them from a wooded rise. Wakefield gives Henry a psycho pep-talk: Now is your time. Everything we planned. You know what you have to do. Staring down at Abby hovering over dead Trish, Henry nods, blank-eyed. Just in case we don’t get it, he adds “I have to kill Abby.” MAIN TITLES AGAIN

Spoiler Alert: This finale contains no lighthouses.

Ext. boathouse. Spiky starts the rowboat’s outboard motor and tells TS to head east. Panicked, she says he has to come with them. Not while Wakefield’s still at large, Spiky demurs. TS says they shouldn’t go either then. And how can she leave Trish? Spiky insists TS must get her innocent little trollface off this island. So, outfitted with life jackets and no food, water or travel games, TS and M take off.

Massacre Woods. Abby & FH walk and talk. FH says Henry could’ve gone back to the boathouse but Abby can’t buy him just leaving Trish like that. FH says Trish is dead and they will be too if they keep wandering around weaponless like this. He wants to go back to the boathouse now. Abby reluctantly agrees.

Boathouse. Spiky radios the Coast Guard to be on the lookout for TS’s boat. Henry creeps in, hearing this. Spiky sees him and jumps. Henry plays dumb, reacting to the shocking news that Wakefield has escaped, then, oozing evil subtext, says Spiky’s brave decision to stay and help Henry is the stupidest thing Spiky’s ever done. The Coast Guard says the chopper’s en route and will be at the marina in 45m. Henry tells Spiky he got separated from Trish in the woods. They need to find Trish, Abby and FH. Henry hands Spiky the rifle, obviously enjoying toying with the sole survivor of the Bro Posse. They exit.

Massacre Woods. Wakefield drags Trish’s body down the trail.

You fiend! That’s couture!

Cut to Henry & Spiky searching for Trish, Spiky carrying the gun. Henry says he doesn’t get how Wakefield escaped from his cell. He had to have help. Yes, but FH wasn’t anywhere near the jail, and that’s the only likely suspect according to Spiky. What about Wakefield’s kid, Henry asks. Spiky says he’d have to be a ghost to slip by all of them. H: I locked W up. I could’ve slipped him the key. Spiky says he’ll play along– if Wakefield has a son, does that mean he’s dangerously unhinged like dad? H: Maybe he’s just really pissed. Given up by mother, raised by some “loser family” who never told him he was adopted. Spiky says this hypothetical offspring should “grow a pair”. Henry says if that was him, he’d be grateful when his real dad showed up and told him the truth, even help Psycho Sr. get revenge. Spiky says Henry is creeping him out. Henry apologizes and yells for Trish.

Boathouse. Abby & FH burst in and find the abandoned radio and the boat missing. FH gets on the radio and the helpful Coast Guard operator tells him his friends Henry & Spiky are meeting the helicopter at the marina in 40m. Relieved they’re alive, Abby & FH hurry out.

Two t-shirts and a pair of jeans… Why?

Massacre Woods. Spiky & Henry wander around. Spiky thinks they should check the sheriff’s station– maybe Trish went back there for Braids. Henry says he’s dead, and so is Trish, I killed her. Spiky is offended by this sick attempt at humor. But Henry keeps babbling, confessing he did Goth Guy, too, at the marina in the rain. Abby almost caught him. Now Henry’s coming clean to his good friend. Henry says his real dad John Wakefield killed several of the others. Spiky sees he’s not kidding. Aw man, you’ve been my best friend since junior high, he groans. Henry pulls out his knife. Don’t make me shoot you! Spiky squawks, pointing the gun at Henry’s head.

Henry’s got more to say: he decapitated Reverend Oldfart, harpooned Kinky Ginger, and stabbed the Widow BW while everyone was trying to find Madison. Spiky: Do you WANT me to kill you?! Henry chuckles, revealing the bag with $250K they found was Uncle Harry Hamlin‘s and he planned on giving it to Fat Party Animal as an investment in his micro-brewery. Henry thought it’d be amusing if FPA found the cash and started melting down about it. Even without the nice murder-montage this last spiel definitely could’ve used, Spiky has had enough and pulls the trigger. Click. Henry fiendishly unloaded the rifle at the boathouse!

Spiky prepares to whack Henry with the gun-butt but Henry tells him Wakefield is right behind him. How stupid do you think I am, Spiky snarls, then turns around to check. Oops. Henry wasn’t lying. Henry stabs Spiky in the back (literally) and wrenches the knife around, telling dying Spiky he never should have “dogged” Trish, which I guess refers to Spiky trying to bang her a million years ago. Henry administers one final horrible cut and Spiky drops to the ground. Wakefield watches, proud. W: Time to ring a bell. He fires his own shotgun into the air.

Death of a bromance

Cut to Abby & FH reacting to the blam. This way, Abby says. They start running.

Back from commercial. Abby & FH approach Henry, whose back is turned. FH says his name and Henry spins around, aiming his rifle at them, then feigning relief. Henry says he just saw Wakefield, “they can’t be far”. They tell him they were just at the boathouse. Where are Spiky and the others? Henry doesn’t know– he’s been looking for Trish, have they seen her? Abby regretfully informs him she’s dead.

Cut to Abby & FH showing Henry where Trish’s body was. Maybe she was only wounded, Henry says. We have to find her! He starts screaming for her as Abby exchanges sad looks with FH, who gently tells Henry no, she was definitely dead. Henry pretends to freak out and lunges at FH, but Abby gets in the middle and tries to console Henry. Henry repeats that he must find her, then takes off. They run after him.

Boathouse. The radio reports to no one that the chopper is 20m out.

Ext. church. Abby & FH watch Henry hurry toward the church. They follow, as FH tells Abby it’s very strange Henry wasn’t with Trish. FH would never leave Abby alone like that.

Int. church. Henry reaches the candle-lit altar, where Trish is laid out like a bloody if non-virgin sacrifice. Abby approaches her dissembling pal, laying a sympathetic hand on his psychotic shoulder. FH turns just in time to avoid being hacked up by Wakefield’s massive mega-dagger. FH screams at Abby to get out of here as he violently tussles with Wakefield in the pews, FH’s shirt riding up at one point to reveal his delectable firm pale flesh. Abby begs Henry to shoot Wakefield but he pretends targeting W is impossible. FH knocks the blade out of W’s hands.

It’s a start, I guess…

Suddenly they hear the chopper overhead. FH tells Abby to go out and signal for help, prompting Wakefield to yell “Henry, she’s getting away!” FH reacts.

Ext. church. Abby runs outside with one of the flares.

Int. church. FH lights the other flare and shoves it at Wakefield’s stomach. Wakefield jumps back, allowing FH toss the flare into some red drapes then bolt out after Abby. “Now finish it,” Wakefield growls at Henry, who aims at fleeing FH and fires!

“Lord almighty i feel my temperature risin’…”

Massacre Woods. Abby frantically scans the sky for the helicopter, which is moving away.

Ext. church. Henry comes racing out of the church without the gun and finds Abby in the nearby woods. Abby wants to know where FH is. Henry says Wakefield got him. He’s so sorry. Now where were they supposed to meet the rescue party? Behind his back, Henry flicks open his knife. Dazed, Abby says the marina, then remembers the Coast Guard told her and FH they’d spoken to Henry & Spiky and told them that. And Henry just told Abby & FH he hadn’t seen Spiky…. Abby stares at Henry, vague disturbance blossoming into full-on fucked-dom. Henry has the knife out and advances toward her, saying it’s alright, it’s over now. Behind Abby Wakefield appears. Henry charges past Abby and sinks the knife in shocked Wakefield’s chest. Wakefield collapses to the ground.

“I learned it by watching you!”

But Abby knows something’s up by the way the crazed villain was looking at Henry. It’s over, I finished it, Henry insists, panic rising. Oh, no! Not you! Abby shrieks, running from him. Henry catches her and throws her to the ground. The sound of chopper blades fades down as Abby loses consciousness.

Back from commercial. Int., FBI office. TS and Madison enjoy a continental breakfast as a well-dressed black man and a foxy latina enter, determined to make up for thirteen 95% all-white episodes in the last half hour of the entire series. I’m kidding. They’re much more concerned with interviewing the gals about the slaughterhouse known as Harper’s Island. As Agent Perez escorts Madison to another room , the little tard pauses to predict that the black man is about to tell TS everyone on the island is dead. Please, please water-board her. M and Perez exit.

TS asks about Trish. Black Man says Wakefield set the church on fire and Trish’s charred corpse was found there, including Trish. “Traces of blood and bone” indicate there were several other bodies in there. He shows her photos of Trish, Henry, Spiky, Abby (!) and FH (!!!!!!). Wakefield died in the foyer trying to escape the church. He assures Trish it was definitely Wakefield and that he’s definitely dead. Badly burned, but dead. For sure. 100%. No joke. Aside from “a handful of locals”, TS and M are the only survivors of Harper’s Island.

There’s still over 20m left, so this is of course complete bullshit.

Ext. Harper’s Island, day. An FBI team marches down the wharf to their boat.

Wow, the whole season was a just a really hacky dream… Phew!

Int. bedroom. Abby wakes up in a twin bed in her undies in a soothingly furnished room. She looks around, confused. Her clothes are laid out on a dresser. From the window, she can see she’s in a wooded area near a coast. She gets up, dresses and cautiously goes downstairs to find she’s in a bright, sunny, soothingly furnished house. It’s very quiet until someone says hi, there. It’s Henry. H: I didn’t think I’d be this nervous. He smiles pleasantly and tells her it’s OK, he’ll explain everything.

A: What’d you do? H: I chose you. Over him. A: Wakefield’s your father? Henry nods and says no more secrets. He moves closer and Abby says to stay away! She tries the doors– locked. The kitchen drawers are empty. Henry says there’s nowhere to go and that he’s not going to hurt her. She throws a glass at him, then runs up the stairs to the nearest door and slams it behind her. Through the door Henry says he’s sorry for the way it’s worked out but promises everything’s going to be fine. They have all the time in the world now, like when they were kids and she hated for him to go home at the end of the summer.

FLASHBACK. Back to Young Abby and Young Supposedly Henry. We see the whispering bit from earlier and this time hear YA said she wishes Henry could live with her forever, just the two of us.

Back to now. Henry says that’s what they’re going to do. You and me. Alone. Forever. Just come down when you’re ready, Henry says perkily. Abby realizes she’s trapped in a model home with the one guy in the world she can never have sex with.

I was THIS close to getting that asshole doctor part on Nurse Jackie!!!

Downstairs Henry hears glass breaking from above and says he’s coming up. Abby meets him on the steps with a jagged shard of glass. She backs Henry up, hissing that he can’t blame her for what he did. Henry says he planned the wedding because it was the only way he could get her back to the island. Everyone else had to die because they got in their way. Abby says that Wakefield killed her dad and their mom. Henry darkens: She threw me away. Starting to get a distinctly more-than-BFF vibe, Abby reminds him he’s her brother. I can do the math, Henry replies ominously, then assures her no one else knows. He’s now going to tell her about the time he first met Wakefield. FLASHBACK: It was the day of the Big Massacre of Aught-One and he ran into him after he killed everyone. They had an instant connection. A: A connection? With the man who hanged my mother from a tree?!

Henry, oblivious to her revulsion, says yeah, funny huh? With the guy everyone else feared and hated. Neat.

Hey sick fuck! How ’bout I turn you into my sister?!?

Henry says a year later Wakefield tracked him down and told him he’d been searching for him all his life. FLASHBACK: As 2002 Henry in restaurant-worker clothes meets Wakefield while putting trash in a dumpster. Henry says that kind of love was just wonderful and powerful and he and Abby should have had this talk ages ago. Still clutching the chunk of glass, Abby says the Henry she knows isn’t a killer. Henry replies that he’s always had certain impulses, he just never understood them until he met Dad. And the police were right about Wakefield being at those Seattle murder scenes, he just wasn’t the one doing the killing.

FLASHBACK: As Wakefield watches approvingly, Henry bludgeons and stabs some poor schmuck getting out of his car in a dark parking lot.

Henry tells Abby murder is hard and takes lots of practice. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t even shoot Wakefield when she had the chance. But Henry’s done killing. That’s how he’s different than Wakefield– Dad thought you had to kill the one you love to be complete. Not Henry. He’s much more evolved. He chose life– and love. With his sister. I love you, Henry says sweetly. Abby has had enough. No! she screams, seizing a nearby telescope and swatting it at Henry. He ducks and she uses it to bash in the glass door to the deck. Henry chases her.

Ext. dream house. Abby races off the deck and up a hill to a detached garage.

Putting the h-o-t in hostage

Int. garage. There, gagged and bound to a pole, is Fish Hunk! Before she can undress untie him, wet-cat Henry bursts in and grabs her.

Back from commercial. Henry hustles Abby back into the house. You weren’t supposed to find him! he hilariously snaps. They start to have their first brother-sister spat. A: Let him go. H: My dad wanted to kill him a LONG time ago but I wouldn’t let him. A: You used him by making him look guilty! H: You should be thanking me! A: Stop lying! Why is he still alive?!

Henry says he’s not. None of are. Before I can spew three ounces of Herradura Silver and fresh lime juice all over my boyfriend’s Australian model ass (don’t ask), Henry quickly clarifies that this isn’t some shitty M Night Shyamalan twist. He means as far as the world is concerned, they all burned up in the church. Exactly how he’s planning on living anonymously on an island the size of a community college for the rest of their lives, Henry doesn’t say. He does explain that he planted “blood samples” so that everyone will be satisfied that he, Abby and FH are dead. Abby doesn’t ask how the hell a bloodstain in a torched church is going to replace actual bodies with skeletons and dental work, she just wants to know the real reason Henry kept FH alive. I hope it’s so they can both take an occasional break from all the incest and bang him six ways to Sunday dinner. But no.

Since TS and Madison know Wakefield had an accomplice, Henry is setting FH up to be just that. Abby can convince FH to sign a confession and then Henry will kill him quickly and humanely. It’s sad, but just another of the tough choices Henry’s had to make so they can have this beautiful dream life together. Maybe it’s just me, but a life that requires 15 solid minutes of explanation might not be the kind of beauty networks, audiences and good writers dream about. And after he gets rid of FH, Henry will absitively, posolutely stop killing. Pinky swear.

Abby has had enough and tries to escape but Henry locks her in her room. Abby grabs a nail from the wall and tries to pick the lock.

Another plus– only one cemetery to visit on Mother’s Day!

Cut to a short time later. Defeated, Abby lies on her bed, not even attempting to break the one window big enough to wriggle through. Luckily, FH isn’t dead yet. Henry enters and starts stroking Abby’s hair. She tells him she wants things to be the way they used to be. He says they will, then brightly adds that FH agreed to sign a full confession. He just wants to say goodbye to Abby first. Abby miserably says she can’t. Henry nicely says she has to and that he’ll wait for her downstairs.

Ext. dream house. Henry walks Abby back to the garage.

Int. garage. FH is still bound and gagged, but now standing. Henry tells Abby to say goodbye. She moves close and whispers she’s sorry she left the island and thought about calling him every day. As Henry looks on, vaguely disturbed, Abby yanks down the gag and plants a hot one on his luscious lips. Henry has had enough. He yanks Abby off FH. I love him, Abby taunts her brother/captor. Henry slaps her blaspheming hussy mouth! She goes flying into a tool box, knocking loose an awl, which she then plunges into Henry’s booted foot. This gets him madder than, yes, a wet cat, and roaring with incestuous rage, he chases her out of the garage, pausing only to grab Wakefield’s big scary sword. He doesn’t see that she used the kiss to pass FH the nail.

Your dad kills like a girl!

Ext. dream house. Henry chases Abby.

Garage. FH drops the nail on the floor, then picks it up with his fingers and starts trying to pick the handcuffs lock.

Ext. dream house. Henry yells that the nearest neighbors are miles away. But Abby doesn’t stop running until Henry corners her at the edge of a moss-covered cliff. Henry says that he didn’t want it to be like this. Abby says she knows that he threatened to kill her unless FH signed the confession. Henry insists that he could never hurt her. So why are you brandishing that whale-circumciser, Abby smartly asks. Henry proves what he’s saying by tossing the blade over the cliff. (Recapper’s Sincere Note: Chris Gorham is fantastic in this scene, as he has been ever since Henry came out as a lunatic. He is truly turning lemons into limoncello. In case you’re reading this, Abby, you’re also doing quite well with even more thankless material. And Fish Hunk, if you’re reading this: I will blow you. And so will Ellenorah and Kissmymanolos.)

Now does Abby believe him? Abby and this island are his home, his life, his endless loves. She’s the only thing that makes sense to him. Abby has had enough. None of this makes sense, she fires back. Henry has destroyed everything she ever loved. But you have me! Wet Pussy Henry shrieks. A: I DON’T WANT YOU!!! Henry stares at her, crushed, before FH tackles him and they go flying off the cliff!

I forgot to to mention we’re first cousins…

Abby hurries down to the beach, where FH lies on the rocks. OMG, FH! Are you OK?! Abby asks. He manages to shake his head no, one final smile on his angelic lips. Then he perks up, looking, alarmed, over Abby’s shoulder. She grabs the nearby mega-dagger and as she turns toward Henry it skewers him through the gut. Henry & Abby both look very surprised. Henry crumples, getting out one final “I love you” before assuming the fetal position and dying.

See what happens when you get adopted, kids?

Ext. ocean. Abby & FH cuddle under a blanket as the Coast Guard boat carries them into the sunset.

In scenes from the video shot on the yacht the wedding party chartered to Harper’s Island, Trish tells Henry she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him. Spiky says he’s going to bang a lot of bridesmaids. Braids says he wants to find a romance like Henry’s. FPA says Henry & Trish are almost as attractive a couple as he and Trish would be. Hot Nerd is afraid he’ll get seasick. Slutty says Trish is lucky to have landed such a hot piece of dick. Preppy says how happy he is to be invited and wishes them a long beautiful marriage. Abby is shy in front of cameras but wrote the betrothed a special poem. Henry says he’s going to treat every moment with Trish like it’s his last. THE END

I just have one question. Would it have been so hard to have Purse-Dog sitting on Abby & FH’s laps on that rescue boat?!! Doesn’t he deserve a happy ending, too??!!! The real monsters are the fiends who wrote and produced this dog-o-phobic show. I may just have to pretend to want to marry Karim Zreik or Jon Turteltaub or maybe even Jill Blotevogel just so I can slaughter the entire staff. Who’s with me, Gasmii?!

You’re lucky there’s no Season 2, or I’d rip all your throats out.

Thanks to Flipit for making my TVgasm debut possible, and thanks to all of you for obsessing along with me. I’ll be playing Randomgasm this summer and when another show as tawdry and tardly as

HI shows up on my TiVo, I’ll sharpen my manicure and dig right in. And since we skipped last week, here’s two DVD picks perfect for sexy summer nights–

The Ruins (2008) Unrated Edition. Attractive gringos run afoul of indescribable horror on a Mexican vacation. (Insert diarrhea joke here.) It’s an old-school monster movie with very new-school bloodcurdling splatter effects and guarantees some intense couch time with your squirming significant other.

Basic Instinct (1992) Director’s Cut Ultimate Edition. With the hilarious balls-in-your-face Bruno catching truckloads of P.C. bullshit from the humorless bitches at GLAAD, it’s a great time to revisit or discover the subject of their last major motion picture hissy-fit, a skanky lowbrow B-movie given sumptuous blockbuster treatment by Trash God Paul Verhoeven. It’s a wickedly satisfying thriller with buckets of nudity, filthy language, stellar gory mayhem & spectacular SF real estate, and Sharon Stone is blonde crotchless camp as a bisexy bitch-kitty.

I also saw two trailers that made my skin crawl. Couple’s Retreat is an excruciating-looking comedy trying desperately to mate chick flicks with bro-budders. Several guys with hot wives go to a tropical isle resort where they’re forced to talk about their feelings and do yoga. The yoga instructor is a delicious hard-bodied dude with long hair and an accent so the guys call him “Fabio”! You know, cuz he has long hair and an accent. What would make it even more super-funny is a dangerously unhinged fiend slaughtering every last one of them. But I don’t think it has that.

But Diablo Cody‘s Jennifer’s Body DOES have a murderous fiend slaughtering everyone, so if like me you spent every second of Juno praying that a psychotically deranged spree killer would butcher every character in it as soon as they started speaking their irritating, smug, nauseatingly overrated dialogue, you might be in luck.

Adios mis amores!

Besos Mojados

LLB