Harper’s Island: Ka-Blam: Honey Lingers

Sure he could just turn on the other lights, but it’s much SKURRIER this way!

Dearest Gasmii– Sorry to be an uppity, proud-ass beeyotch, but I think I’ve cracked the super-secret code used by CBS to title each episode of our terror-riffic new fave show! The first one ended with Uncle Harry getting chopped in half and was called “Whap”. Then, last week’s show, “Crackle” climaxed with Soror-Whore being burned alive. Today’s episode– “Ka-Blam”… I am guessing the final death will include dynamite. Or maybe a cigarette lighter and a Dutch Oven. Anyway, big ups to onomatopoeia! We look forward to “Thud”, “Gurgle” and “Crickets”.

We open at the Candlewick Inn swimming pool. As Abby does a serene back-float, the camera discreetly inspects her pale but serviceable bod for any stray pubes. She’s clean. Some new chick named Beth says hi to Abby from the side of the pool. Reconnecting with Abby should be best be done via Facebook, as Goth Girl proved last week. Before we can ponder this, suddenly we’re in the middle of a flavored malt beverage commercial, as the Bro Posse cannonballs into the pool around Abby.

Fun ahoy!

Henry’s father-in-law-to-be Beef Wellington and Mrs. BW sip champagne from loungers. Henry speaks to the ginger-haired Ivy League Extra from the scavenger hunt, who’s actually no extra, he’s the husband of bride Trish’s Uptight Sister and the father of Creepy Young Madison, the insect-torturer. Henry wants to know how Ginger survives in the “velvet straitjacket” of the Wellington family. Ginger pensively sips his tea-cup and says he’s got a great job, plenty of scratch and a happy wife and kid. But what about Ginger? Henry asks. How does he cope? Ginger says he finds a way. Like knocking off guests at a destination wedding perhaps??!

Cut to Candlewick grounds. Beef Wellington skeet-shoots. Henry indicates to Trish he may be up for challenging BW. Trish’s Sister notices Madison yanking blossoms from a nearby flower bed. Maddy says she’s practicing being a flower girl. Paging Dr Jenny McCarthy!

An Inn employee (this one’s totally an extra, at least until they need to pad the victim list) hands Henry a message slip. Henry, in skeet-goggles, fondling his rifle, looks vaguely disturbed. Trish asks him if he has his toast written for tonight. Trish starts dictating Henry’s thank-you’s, starting with Daddy, of course. But BW interrupts, telling Henry it’s time to start shooting. Henry’s pretty handy with the gun, but he loses the game to super-smug BW. Trish says Henry did great and gives him a hug. We don’t get to see Henry’s expression, but the smart money’s on “vaguely disturbed”.

Cut to Harper’s Island Medical Clinic & Dental Center. Abby’s dad, Grizzled Local Cop, and the elderly coroner look at Goth Girl’s pasty corpse. Dr Oldfart says he delivered Goth Girl. He hates “to see them go while I’m still here”, which is pretty much the job description for medical examiner. We see Goth Girl’s secret tattoos– one says “John Wakefield John Wakefield come back for me” and the the other is an elaborate depiction of the Death Tree where Goth Girl’s and Abby’s moms were massacred. Why would she put this on her body, after what Wakefield did to her mother? the doctor groans. I’m a recap artist, not a forensic pathologist, but I believe the correct diagnosis is “crazier than a shit-house rat”. GLC says he wants to make sure Goth Girl did indeed die from hanging. The doctor pries open Goth Girl’s lids and her EYEBALLS ARE ALL RED! Main Titles.

If Goth Girl wasn’t dead right now, she’d be SOOO into this look.

Dr Oldfart extracts some eyeball fluid from Goth Girl. The eyeball hemorrhaging is normal for a death by hanging, but this seems “excessive”. There’s also flesh under her fingernails and evidence that she had sex within the last 24 hours. GLC wants to know if it was consensual rough Goth Sex, or not. Dr Oldfart shudders at the thought of not.

Cut to Candlewick Pool. Abby and the Bro Posse slurp mimosas and talk about Slutty Blonde Bitch and Preppy Blonde Snot, who’ve just shown up. Slutty wears a purple bikini, Preppy is fully dressed, including a sweater-vest. Dreadlocks says he heard them going at it all night. Spiky Haired Guy can’t understand what Slutty sees in Preppy. Abby says Preppy’s “nice”. Spiky swims over and apologizes again for leaving Preppy “hanging… totally my bad”. Preppy refuses to dignify this with a response and continues to petulantly oil Slutty’s back.

The Bro Posse is surprised Spiky keeps apologizing to Preppy. The new girl, Beth aka Soror-Whore 2, says she plans on enjoying a spa day. Then GLC appears and says he needs to talk to Abby.

Candlewick honeymoon suite. Pensive Henry asks Trish if she had to choose between him and her dad, she’d pick him, right? Instead of immediately fleeing into Hunter Jennings’ buff arms, Trish reminds Henry in three days she’s his forever. She holds up the engraved wedding invitation in case we just tuned in and are mentally challenged. Trish needs to run some errands in town and exits. Henry takes out the message he just got “HUNTER JENNINGS IS AT THE PINES MOTEL”. Henry looks vaguely disturbed.

Cut to Abby and GLC. Sheriff Dad breaks the terrible news– Goth Girl hanged herself. Abby can’t believe it. Goth Girl was so happy. She’d even memorized all the major L.A. boulevards north to south! She was on lots of meds, GLC says. Mood swings can happen in an instant. That’s true. 15 minutes ago I was fine and then I started watching this. Did Goth Girl see anyone else yesterday??? FLASHBACK to Abby seeing Henry’s brother Goth Guy slouching through Goth Girl’s kitchen. Abby says no, not that she knows of. Abby lies!

Serving the Gay, Transgendered & Cross-Dressing Community with Pride

Cut to Francine’s Boutique, “Women’s Apparel”. Trish is in the dressing room, posing in a pink bra. But no. She tells the off-camera sales associate she wants to wear white on her wedding night. Unlike us, the salesgirl hasn’t already witnessed Trish loudly mating with her fiance Henry so she can’t say “whatever, tramp”. A sultry black bustier drifts past the curtain on a hanger– no, I said WHITE, Trish snips. But this isn’t a retail-help mistake. It’s Trish’s swarthy hunk ex, Hunter Jennings. He wants to see Trish in the black undies. Trish is annoyed by this privacy invasion, but Hunter is now in the dressing cubicle. Trish reprimands him for going to her father and trying to sabotage her relationship, then slaps his studly face. Hunter is undeterred, remaining in the dressing room and saying he wants “a look” at her. Trish covers her small but serviceable bra’d boobies with a tight grey t-shirt.

Whatsamatta? You used to love to play Fitting Room Rapist.

Hunter slowly, sensuously strokes her shoulders with his enormous manly hands. Trish quivers at his enormous manly touch. Just before his enormous manly lips make contact with her responsive young neck, the salesgirl pops in with a new unmentionable ensemble, white this time. Oops! Like, I’m so sorry, Miss Black Card Holder. But you two are going to make such a hot couple! Salesgirl ducks out and Trish looks vaguely disturbed.

Candlewick Inn, Goth Guy’s room. More unwanted toplessness as Goth Guy emerges from the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel and those skanky tatts. A knock at the door. It’s Abby with bad news. Goth Girl is dead. Goth Guy looks vaguely disturbed.

Back from commercial. Abby says her dad thinks it was a suicide. Goth Guy says that makes no sense– Goth Girl was all “bouncy-happy” last night about moving to L.A. They don’t have Red Mango on Harper’s Island. They probably don’t even have Pink Berry. Abby asks if Goth Girl mentioned John Wakefield? She didn’t have to. Goth Guy saw Goth Girl’s tattoos. “It was all over her.” Really now… was “it”? He doesn’t mention whether the sexual side-effects from his kook-meds prevented him from frosting Goth Girl with Goth Goo. But I’m sure he tried his best.

Cut to Beef Wellington’s suite. Mrs Beef enters. It seems as if she’s alone, with a skeet rifle on the bed, then Ginger, her son-in-law, pounces. “I know what you say to Beef Wellington behind my back. That I’m weak. That I’m a coward. Take off your blouse. I said take it off. Now get down on your knees.” Mrs. Beef says no, which means yes yes yes, since she immediately gives Ginger and us full-on bra before dropping to her very flexible knees. Ginger whips off his big leather belt. “Now you are going to do exactly as I say,” he drones, eliciting a sleepy grin from Mrs Beef, who pauses just long enough to come up with the tritest rejoinder in TV-14 kinky sex history. “I’ve been very bad.” That’s a direct quote, Gasmii.

Just lick it already.

Cut to honeymoon suite. Trish has donned her wedding dress, complete with a big maroon gift-basket sash. She models it for her sister and Soror-Whore 2. The bridely fun is cut sort when Trish’s phone rings and SW2 notices it’s from Hunter Jennings. OMFG. Trish didn’t invite him, did she? Heavens, no, Trish stammers, not explaining that Hunter’s just on the island to help her try on bras. Trish’s Sis says Trish told her Trish was sending Hunter away. Like you did in college, SW2 needles with a saucy smirk. TS wants to know just what happened at S.W.U. SW2 says Trish’s lips said no, but her body said… [STICK IT IN]. Hey, now! She loves Henry and is marrying him, in this dress, in three days, Trish emphatically states. While looking vaguely disturbed.

Cut to Candlewick grounds. Slutty Blonde Bitch does yoga on the lawn, watched through a window by Preppy Blonde Snot and Ginger, the new star of this show. Emboldened by his recent off-cam discipline session with Mrs Beef, Ginger wants to know how Preppy landed a dish like Slutty. The exposition fits like a well-sniffed glove! Preppy says he graduated from Cambridge, is a medical doctor, and an expert philatelist. Hold it, Gasmii. Preppy couldn’t have said that, it means stamp collector. He must have said fellatioist. I’m not scanning back to check. Preppy self-effacingly admits he worries about Slutty finding someone else. Like Spiky Haired Blonde Guy from Henry’s Bro Posse of BFF’s Henry Never Ever Speaks To. As Spiky and Slutty flirt and chat and gambol off together, Ginger remarks that Spiky’s the guy who left Preppy hanging from that tree. Yes, but he apologized, Preppy drones, looking, yes, you guessed it.

Cut to The Pines Motel. Henry enters, all smiles, thanking Motel Lady for sending him the message about Hunter Jennings. Henry’s obviously asked Humble Working-Class Motel Lady to call him if “friend of the family” Hunter showed up, since there’s no more rooms at the Candlewick. Because she’s only a Canadian must-hire day player and Henry is Christopher Gorham, adorable underrated star of beloved cult series Popular, Motel Lady doesn’t question the logic. In fact, she gives Henry the key to Hunter’s room so he can drop off “a welcome gift”.

Hunter’s Motel Room, minutes later. Henry enters and starts snooping. Please let him find Hunter and Beef Wellington in the shower together, Beef lathering Hunter’s muscle-slabbed hairy chest with discontinued Spring Fever shower gel by Origins. I’ll settle for Hunter’s dewy jockstrap tossed casually on his rumpled sheets. What we get is a travel itinerary making it painfully, stupidly clear that BW paid for Hunter’s trip from Berlin (sexy!) to Harper’s Island.

Cut to Hunter entering the room. Henry is hiding in the closet. Wait– what if this suddenly gets interesting?? We’ve already had a little SM tonight– maybe queer Blue Velvet action’s next. It isn’t. Henry escapes while Hunter’s taking a whizz.

Candlewick Spa. Spiky and Slutty are getting treatments together. Well, Spiky’s getting honey smeared all over his pecs while Slutty watches this nipple-facial and explains how wonderful it is for the pores. This all seems very very porno and is about as believable. The esthetician, who’s wearing the exact same maroon sash on her spa uniform robe, slaps some cucumber slices on Spiky’s eyes, then excuses herself so Spiky and Slutty can have a heart-to-heart. What does Preppy have that Spiky doesn’t? “A pillow!” chirps a wee British voice and before you can say Ill-Advised Slapstick, Preppy is dumping feathers all over Spiky.

You think we make this shit up?

And because the hottie’s covered in honey, THE FEATHERS STICK TO HIS LANKY MUSCLE-BOD! Slutty set him up! Feathered naked Spiky chases Preppy through the spa waiting area to the hysteria of BW and the Bro Posse, all lined up in their robes, laughing uproariously. Can we please have that dynamite now? Just blow everyone up. I’m begging you.

Guess which one the masseuse with the short straw has to full-release.

Massacre Woods. Goth Guy trudges down the road, his ear-buds so loud he can’t hear the red pick-up truck barreling down upon him. SMACK! The truck hits Goth Guy, who bounces up on the hood, hits the windshield upon which he wrote “PSYCHO” in deer blood last week, then thuds to the ground. The truck stops and we see someone’s blue-jeaned shins as they get out of the truck and give Goth Guy’s unconscious body a good kick.

Harper’s Island Sheriff’s Station. Abby, bra-less and headlit in a cute top, tells GLC/Sheriff Dad she doesn’t think Goth Girl committed suicide. He sort of agrees but doesn’t, so it seems like there’s some conflict here, which there really isn’t. Abby mentions that Townie and Goth Girl fought right before her death.

Cut to Townie’s White Trash Abode. GLC’s cop car pulls in. Yes, Townie knows Goth Girl offed herself. She used to talk about doing it, but Townie never thought… GLC asks if Townie has seen Goth Guy. Nope. GLC pulls out. Townie reveals Goth Guy bound and gagged in the back of his pick-up. Townie tells Goth Guy GLC thinks he killed Goth Girl. And Townie thinks he’s right!

Ssshhh, me thinking really hard.

Harper’s Island Marina. Abby discusses Goth Girl with Pierced Tongue Waitress. PT blames John Wakefield for Goth Girl’s death. As in, Goth Girl’s koo-koo obsession with the dead serial killer (who killed Abby’s and Goth Girl’s moms) led to her suicide. No, wait, PT blames Townie, who apparently used to beat up Goth Girl when they dated. So now I have no idea who Abby or PT blame for Goth Girl’s suicide-or-murder. Abby gives PT a sympathetic hug but doesn’t offer PT half of her L.A. studio apartment, so this friendship is obviously superficial.

Cut to Beef Wellington’s suite. BW is shaving his face when Hunter enters, peeved that BW lied to Trish. BW had no choice– Trish caught them plotting and BW couldn’t admit he brought Hunter there to bust up the nuptials. Hunter says he thinks he can still get Trish to ditch Henry. BW says that deal’s off the table. Hunter counters by demanding 50K or he tells Trish everything. BW says Trish will never believe it. Hunter says he guesses they’ll just see then exits.

Honeymoon suite. Trish is alone, fondling her plastic-encased wedding gown, when she sees a note has been slipped under the door: “LET’S MAKE THIS WORK. ROOM 214. HUNTER.”

Townie’s White Trash Abode. Abby knocks on the door. No answer. She hears something, then starts to investigate the trash-strewn dooryard, a New England real estate term referring to the area in which townies keep discarded refrigerators and vehicles up on blocks.

Candlewick Inn corridor. Trish approaches Room 214.

Townie’s Dooryard. Abby pokes around splayed-out deer hides and old barrels of sharp implements.

Candlewick Corridor. Trish reaches out to turn the door to Room 214, but her engagement ring reminds her of Henry and she backs off. Inside Room 214, Henry waits, looking vaguely disturbed.

Surely there can’t be amy harm snooping in here…

Townie’s Dooryard. Abby enters a dilapidated garage full of dirty plastic draperies, hunting trophies and (surely just off-camera) boxes of Juggs back-issues. She pulls back a plastic sheet and finds Goth Guy, alive but with a duct-taped mouth and a rope wrapped around his neck. Townie pops up behind Abby– “Were you looking for me?” Eeek!

Out of commercial. We see Goth Guy is standing on his black Converse tip-toes on a chair, trying not to hang himself. As much as he probably digs auto-erotic asphyxiation play, this is just not sexy. Townie, brandishing a big fish-butchering knife, rants about Goth Girl. She was so hungry for attention she didn’t even care if she got it from a nutcase like Goth Guy. Townie, please! No, Townie doesn’t want to listen to Abby. Goth Girl listened to Abby and look what happened to her. What did Abby think would happen to Goth Girl once she moved to L.A.? If she was like me, parking tickets, “personality tests” at the Celebrity Centre, and sex with strangers she meets at Amoeba Records. Abby says Goth Girl just wanted a fresh start. Townie says Goth Girl could never escape John Wakefield, she even had his name carved into her skin. Abby says Goth Girl’s suicide was no one’s fault, not Townie’s, not Goth Guy’s, not even Goth Girl’s. Because she was murdered!

Just when this tortured conversation starts to make a smidge of sense, Abby begins babbling that John Wakefield is responsible. Since we know Abby knows that Wakefield was killed by Abby’s dad after butchering Abby’s mom, Goth Girl’s mom, and several other townsfolk, right now we don’t know if Abby’s being metaphorical, or trying to work Townie, or if she’s just completely lost her shit. Townie doesn’t quite know what to make of it either, “You’re as daft as she was!” he squawks. Because blue-collar thugs love the word daft.

Hmmm. No… that doesn’t make sense either.

“He chose Goth Girl because no one would believe her,” Abby raves. “John Wakefield slipped the noose around her neck, just like he did to her mother. She probably didn’t even struggle. In a way it was just what what she wanted. She needed to find peace. Then he yanked her up and watched her die.” OMG WTF LOL JESUS H CHRIST. I think Joan Crawford’s about-to-be-ex-lover put it best in Mommie Dearest when he said, “If you’re acting, you’re wasting your time. If not, you’re wasting mine.” Just when you’ve resigned yourself to rewinding thirty seconds you’ll never get back, Sheriff Dad pops in, gun drawn, and careens into Townie, who accidentally knocks Goth Guy’s suicide stool out from under him! Abby manages to grab the knife and hacks through the rope before Goth Guy can choke to death.

Candlewick Inn Library Lounge, that night. Henry approaches BW and calls him a bully. Henry knows BW brought Hunter here and he won’t tell Trish, but dammit, Henry’s gonna marry that gal and make her happy whether BW likes it or not. Trish and Mrs Beef overhear this last bit. Trish seems a little impressed that Henry’s grown a pair.

Townie’s Dooryard. Sheriff Dad stows Townie in the back of the police vehicle. That was some story Abby just told. Abby explains that she just did it to distract Townie because she knows he feels guilty about Goth Girl’s death, which Abby thinks is definitely not a suicide, even though Abby doesn’t think Townie killed her. That’s MUCH clearer now, thanks, Abby. Sheriff Dad says if someone killed that sweet Goth Girl, he’ll make sure they pay.

Yuk it up, dudes. You are both so dead in one to eleven weeks.

Library Lounge. The Bro Posse busts Spiky’s balls about Preppy’s hilarious nipple-facial/feathers prank. Spiky wants to “kill” Preppy. Henry tells Spiky to cool it– now he and Preppy are even. Hunter enters, making eye contact with BW RE: a text BW just got saying BW needs to pay Hunter 50K or Hunter will tell Trish what Daddy did. BW gives Hunter a little nod. Hunter exits, satisfied.

Now it’s time for Henry’s toast. Will Henry expose BW’s heartless manipulations? No. Will he keep us and BW in suspense, making us and BW think he MIGHT be about to expose him? No. Will he at least deliver an elegant, clever speech fraught with subtext and artfully disguised venom? No. He thanks BW for having a great daughter and everyone drinks to the big rich prick.

Harper’s Island Marina. Hunter boards a speedboat and is about to shove off when BW appears. “That was foolish,” BW says, then hands him a check. Of course this means Hunter can never speak to Trish again. Hunter shrugs. What does he need with Trish? Not only is he wicked hot, he’s also got 50K. Tax-free. Although BW will probably claim Hunter was an independent contractor for business purposes, so Hunter’ll probably want to declare it just to be on the safe side. Hunter starts the boat.

Bear-y unscary!

Goth Girl’s House. Sheriff Dad has gone back to search for clues, which is tough since he only has a flashlight and the power’s still off. He notices a golden teddy bear tchotchke with big red eyes, which reminds him of Goth Girl’s blood-red eyeballs at the coroner’s.

Speedboat. Hunter notices a leather valise, which he opens, revealing tons of cash and a gun. Viewers with sharp eyes and no lives will remember this belonged to Uncle Harry at the beginning of the first episode.

Goth Girl’s House. Sheriff Dad digs through a keepsake box and finds a newspaper clipping: “SHERIFF KILLS SUSPECT JOHN WAKEFIELD”

Speedboat. Hunter flips through a bundle of hundies, cackling greedily. The boat’s engine dies. Hunter pops the hood to see what’s doing and is blasted by a booby-trap shotgun a la Wile E. Coyote.

New suspect: The Roadrunner

Goth Girl’s House. Sheriff Dad gets a call from the coroner. The red in Goth Girl’s eyes was ink. Someone did this to her! It would have been way too hard to Sharpie her own eyeballs before she hanged to death! The sheriff unfolds the clipping– his own eyes in the pic have been colored in WITH A RED PEN!!! Printed in red next to it: “YOU FOUND HER, NOW FIND ME”

So we come to the end of another hacky episode of this who-cares whodunit. Many questions flittered through my head as I fearlessly prepared this, your recap. Why isn’t Abby confiding in her BFF Henry that there may be another killer on the island? Doesn’t Trish notice her bosom buddy Soror Whore 1 is suddenly missing? How many bridesmaid does the bitch have anyway? Where the hell is Purse-Dog? Weren’t any writers of GOOD trash like Savannah, Spyder Games or Footballers’ Wives available? And how come the copy I downloaded has Italian subtitles? Do you know how hard it is to get screen-grabs that don’t look like this:

Gasmii, please help us all by sharing your theories on who could possibly be the sadistic mastermind behind these brutal atrocities. All I know is I’ve been in actual marriages that seemed shorter than this. C U Next Thurs!