Harper’s Island: Bang: Saturday Night’s Alright For Biting

Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii– Harper’s Island may have been banished from CBS‘s Thursday schedule for cancellation-adjacent Saturday night, but it’s still #1 in the demo’s of Our Hearts.

Yeah, right.

I, Leia LaBiblia, your recap artist, am starting to feel like one of the two-dimensional human targets on this show. With ratings like this thing’s been getting the past two weeks, any recap could be my last. Before we plop right in to this week’s nerve-numbing installment, I need to issue a retraction. In a previous column I accused CBS of recklessly ordering thirteen episodes of H. I. without even making a pilot. Turns out they DID make a pilot last year. And then re-shot it as Episode One after replacing half the cast. Because THAT was the problem. It did result in Christopher Gorham and Harry Hamlin joining the show, so I suppose that was a million well-flushed. I know, I know. The sooner I start re-crapping, the sooner people start dying. Here we go…

Candlewick Inn, day. Trish’s Sister and her extra-chromosomal daughter Creepy Madison meet with Psychic Lady about tonight’s bachelorette party, which will include “auras, tea leaves, things like that”. Where is Trish’s Sis getting her ideas, O Magazine? Everyone knows when you summon your gal-pals to a remote, almost-definitely Canadian island/massacre site, the kind of partying they want to do involves making out with semi-nude lap-dancing studs. And Fish Hunk happens to be available– I saw him in the previews.

You actually make a living from this horse-shit?!

TS gives Psychic Lady a list of birthdates for whore-o-scope readings, and admits to slipping in some cheat-details about the guests in case the spirits need any help. PL flashes a tight smile that says “To hell with you and your skeptical mainland ways” and tells TS that she won’t need any help. Fuck you very much. TS tells Creepy Madison to stop playing with the tarot cards, but PL doesn’t mind. “Your daughter has a very lively spirit.” Yeah, so did Corky on Life Goes On. Madison points to the Tower card and asks if it means “someone is going to die”. Instead of telling the brat to quit horning in on her New Age baloney racket, PL looks vaguely disturbed.

Cut to Merlotte’s The Cannery. Pierced Tongue Waitress is handing over her super-secret Crab Bowl recipe to Abby, who needs a wedding present for Henry and his millionaire bride Trish. Perhaps sensing that the impending marriage has about as much chance of surviving as Pierced Tongue, Abby has blown off pricey registries and created a scrapbook celebrating the newlyweds’ relationship. O Magazine strikes again. PT suggests she blow off the bachelorette party tonight and come back here where PT will be bar-tending Henry’s bachelor party. Fish Hunk enters and makes a joke about having crabs, which is hilarious because he is carrying a box of actual crabs. Get it?

Thank God you’re here.

Candlewick, honeymoon suite. Henry emerges from the bathroom to find Trish standing in the middle of the room naked. Is this her way of telling him to have fun at his bachelor party later today? Trish plays coy. Henry mounts her.

Ext. Candlewick. Madison asks TS if spirits are real. Because Madison thinks the sprits are telling Psychic Lady bad things. TS pooh-poohs her, but we see Madison still has the tower card. Klepto.

Int. Candlewick. PL studies the list TS gave her of all the gals’ b-days. The only item of note is that TS is nine days older than her stepmother, Mrs. Beef Wellington. Eeeuw. Suddenly, a drop of blood splats onto Abby’s name. PL has a nosebleed. How vaguely disturbing! Main Titles.

Rusty pipes?

Ext. Cannery. Abby and Fish Hunk exit. Abby is hitching a ride with FH. FH wants Abby to have a good time on the island, despite Goth Girl‘s “suicide” and her run-ins with the dangerously unhinged Townie. Chipper to the end, Abby says if FH wants her to have fun, he’ll let her drive.

Candlewick verandah. The Bro Posse: Spiky Haired Guy, Dreadlocked Guy and Hot Nerd discuss the, yes, bachelor party. There will be a local-girl stripper. Henry walks up. Spiky has a gift for him, a box of bait. They’ve rented a boat and are taking Henry on an all-fishing bachelor party. But first, some character development. Fat Party Animal has a “pitch” meeting with Henry’s future father-in-law Beef Wellington. And everyone hopes Hot Nerd won’t get seasick. Who will be attending this floating frat bash? Just the groomsmen and someone named “Muffin”. Muffin is a blow-up doll. Swear. To. God.

Candlewick Library Lounge. Beef Wellington and his kinky son-in-law Ginger listen to Fat Party Animal’s proposal. For a mere 100K, they can be majority stakeholders in FPA’s very own Sacred Turtle Beer.

Thanks, but I said I liked tea-BAGGING…

Cut to Trish and TS. Trish is unwrapping a gift from TS– it’s their presumably late mom‘s tea set. TS wants to have a tea party with it. And they wonder why no one’s tuning in. Trish is all choked up, and then we hear the sound of shattering china. Madison is standing over the broken tea cup. She insists she didn’t even touch it, honest!

Cut to fishing boat. The Bro Posse and Muffin the Sex Doll are having a great time. All except for Fat Party Animal, who’s broke and petulant and blames Ginger for sand-bagging his beer pitch. Henry gets a bite and reels in a huge fish. He starts clubbing it to death, prompting Spiky Hair to dive overboard with the blow-up doll. Henry tells him to be careful, prompting Spiky to suddenly disappear under the waves. OMG! Oh, he’s just kidding. Dreadlocks spies an empty speedboat a short distance away and notes the presence of a flock of seagulls. The birds, not the band. Which would have been awesome. Henry says seagulls mean fish. They should go check it out.

Cut to Abby and Fish Hunk. Abby assures FH that her leaving H.I. had nothing to do with him. FH assures Abby that he has so moved on. But when she starts discussing all the hot nightlife and hotter guys in L.A., FH’s CB radio crackles on– his “girlfriend”‘s car won’t start and he needs to go pick her up. Abby wants to tag along.

Cut to fishing boat. The Bro Posse pulls up to the speedboat, which we recognize from the end of the last episode, when Trish’s ex-lover Hunter Jennings fell afoul of a booby-trapped shotgun and blew himself to Paltry Residual Heaven. Hot Nerd pukes over the side.

Where can I get some decent barbeque?

Back from commercial. The guys debate what to do. Since there’s a meaty lump of corpse in the boat, everybody but Fat Party Animal wants to call the cops. But FPA spies the bag with all the cash and the pistol and wants to snag it. He’s broke, remember. FPA waddles into the speedboat and grabs the gun bare-handed. It of course discharges, blowing a hole in the speedboat, which starts to sink. Henry says he guesses they’re keeping the money.

Ext. Candlewick. Madison is playing Go Fish with Beef Wellington. Trish is looking for Mrs BW. Madison thinks her indecently young step-granny is by the pool.

Remember to tell me as soon as you start to black out.

Cut to Candlewick pool. Trish investigates noises in the secluded dungeon-like area under the pool. She sees Mrs BW, blindfolded and bra-exposed, bound by the wrists. A topless Ginger appears, telling Mrs BW no one’s gonna help the rich man’s wife. Discreet much?! As the adulterous, bondage-friendly twosome continues their fun, Trish discreetly exits.

Cut to Abby and Fish Hunk trying to start a car. Not happening. FH’s “girlfriend” appears. She’s an old bag. FH says the old bag can ride with them to town to get groceries. Abby is impressed– it’s so not L.A. In L.A., the old bag would be casting CSI and FH would be an actor servicing her for a producers’ session. Abby is going to walk to the newspaper office to finish her scrapbook. She and FH share warm eye contact.

Cut to ext. Candlewick. Henry and the Bro Posse return and show Preppy Blonde Snot their cooler full of salmon. They don’t mention the bag of cash, the speedboat or the dead body. PBS reveals he’s a whiz at dressing fish. Hmmm.

Candlewick honeymoon suite. The bro’s have counted the money. 250K. They start to get all A Simple Plan about it. They’ve committed a crime! What if it’s drug money?! FPA calls Henry into the bathroom and apologizes for being such a greedy bastard on the boat. FPA knows this week is all about Henry’s wedding. But since FPA is so up-to-his-man-tits in debt, he begs Henry to let him keep the cash. Henry says they’ll leave the cash in his room and decide what to do about it after the bachelor party.

Harper’s Island newspaper office. Abby enters and asks the Girl On Duty about the photo she requested from a 1991 back issue of “a boy and a big fish”. When the girl goes to retrieve it, Abby notices a stack of newspapers, starts flipping through it, and we take an expositional shortcut thanks to the Lazy Screenwriter’s BFF, Concisely Headlined, On-Topic and Sequentially Ordered News Articles. CHOTSONA for you texters. Each issue has some mention of the Wakefield Massacre and the tree he decorated with his victims and how Abby’s Dad the Grizzled Local Cop killed John Wakefield. This may seem like someone’s gaslighting Abby, but since apparently nothing has happened on H.I. between the Massacre and Goth Girl’s “suicide” and Goth Guy’s kidnapping by Townie, maybe the Harper’s Globe needs to keep this stuff Page One, much like Us must give us weekly photo-proof that Lindsay Lohan is strung-out on Mexican diet pills and/or jonesing for Samantha Ronson’s beavy goodness. The girl tells Abby someone asked her to collect all the information the paper had on the massacre, but she doesn’t know who, and besides they never picked it up. Abby takes the clipping “Boy Catches Fish As Big As His Head” and shoves it into the scrapbook, then exits the office, feeling the prying eyes of the clerk through the window.

OMG! Those CAN’T be the overnights…

Awash in vague disturbance, Abby drifts into the street where she almost gets hit by Psychic Lady. Abby apologizes for spazzing out, PL pulls out, and Abby sees she’s dropped her precious scrapbook in a dirty puddle, ruining several of the pages. Hopefully it’s not to late to visit the Undie Store for a last-minute gift of the cock-teasing lingerie Trish enjoys sporting.

Speak of the cock-teaser— Trish enters the honeymoon suite where Henry makes a token effort to button a shirt over his smooth and sinewy A&F-catalog torso. Trish is visibly shaken, unable to find the words “Fetish Roleplay”, “Bondage & Discipline”, or “My step-mom and Ginger-in-law are total horny freaks for each other.” Henry holds her and they share a vaguely disturbed look.

Cut to Candlewick Bachelorette Party. Mrs BW presents the assembled gals with her gift, pink hoodies with “Trish & Henry” emblazoned on the left breast or implant, depending on the gal. She got black ones for the guys. Bosomy Hotel Manager Lady pulls Trish aside. The heirloom tea set has been shattered. Mrs BW assures Trish that they can get her a new set. No, it was Trish’s mom’s and is irreplaceable. Trish scurries away, visibly disturbed. TS asks “Where’s Madison?” Abby offers to find the li’l demon seed.

Abby locates Madison alone in an empty hall, sitting on the floor, playing with severed blossoms and singing “One by one”, and not the Cher hit. But how awesome would that have been? Madison says she’s not going to get to be the flower girl. The spirits told her that. Eeeek! Will somebody buy this little sociopath a Blackberry Bold and some cute app’s to go with it? They can fuckin afford it.

I’ll be Andrea Yates and you can be the district attorney!

Cut to Candlewick Library Lounge. The Bro Posse Minus Henry debate what to do with the cash they found. Hot Nerd thinks they’re going to jail (spin-off alert!), Spiky Hair says they probably won’t keep it, but if they do, what would each Bro do with his 50K? Dreadlocks suggests making a charitable donation. Fat Party Animal is cool with that if the charity is Sacred Turtle Beer. Hot Nerd says they’re going to end up in prison. The Bro’s tell him he can look forward to being “a bottom” there. Finally, someone’s making sense. As the Posse makes jokes about Hot Nerd’s imminent deflowering, a Sexy Stranger with an artlessly revealed shoulder-holster enters the lounge.

The Posse scrambles outside, terrified that Sexy Stranger is a drug dealer after the stolen loot. Henry joins them and says they have to hide the money. They’ll draw straws. Hot Nerd wins. His job is to hide the cash so they can deal with it later.

Cut to bachelorette party. Psychic Lady reads Trish’s cards. Someone who betrays her will also save her. Just like on Intervention. Let’s hope she gets no-nonsense ex-boozy battle-axe Candy Finnigan instead of judgmental judy Ken Seeley. How I wish Intervention had a “before” clip package of Ken as a methed-out circuit-boy pig bottom. But we digress.

What is a one-word upside-down review of this episode?

Cut to Massacre Woods. Hot Nerd scrambles to hide the bag of cash.

Cut to Merlotte’s The Cannery for the tamest bachelor party this side of The Suite Life of Zack & Cody On Deck. Henry approaches Ginger and says he knows about his slave-girl Mrs BW. Henry threatens to expose Ginger, who basically says “Go for it. Tell BW.”

Bachelorette Party. It’s Abby’s turn for a psychic reading. She hands over a silver necklace, which PL says belonged to Abby’s mom. Trish says she wishes both their moms could be here. PL clutches the necklace, then freaks out and stops the whole session. PL gathers up her gypsy kit and bolts. Abby says she doesn’t believe in this shit, anyway. Neither does Trish. Trish’s Sis doesn’t say anything but you know she’s stopping payment on that check as soon as the bank opens.

I luv mah n***az, but where mah bitches?!

Cut to The Cannery. Spiky Hair has a drunken “I love you, man” moment with Henry, doing that thing with his arm around Henry where he grabs his pec as if subconsciously wishing it were a nice C-cup. The bromance is shattered when Sexy Stranger enters the bar with another big lug, asking which one is Spiky Hair. Spiky bitches out and says Henry is Spiky. Sexy Stranger demands “the money”. ZOINKS! But it’s just the money FOR THE STRIPPER. They’re not murderous drug-dealers, just pimps. Phew!

Cut to Massacre Woods. Hot Nerd stumbles around with a flashlight and the bag of cash. He hears someone nearby and pulls out the gun. But it’s just Fat Party Animal. He was only watching Hot Nerd’s back. Just when you think this Tard Circus can’t get any stupider, HN drops the gun and FPA shrieks that he’s been shot. But HN is the one with the big bloodstain on his thigh. HN says he can’t feel it. FPA says it must be a flesh wound. Then HN collapses to the forest floor and a fountain of blood spurts from his leg! HN dies in FPA’s arms.

But you said if it’s not here in 30 minutes, it’s free!

Back from commercial. The Cannery. Stripper Time. But this is network so what we get is a too-pretty-faced, too-small-titted hottie who doesn’t actually strip. Or grind. Or does much of anything except slither around the floor and pool table in short-shorts and what looks like two bras. Oh, wait, she DOES recognize Henry from growing up on the island. Mortified, Henry tells Spiky that he’s known her since she was ten. AWK-ward!

The line forms to the left, single-file.

Candlewick Inn verandah. Abby is accosted by Psychic Lady. PL: You have to leave. He wants you dead! A: Let go of me. PL: Please. He won’t stop.

The Cannery. As the party winds down, Spiky canoodles with the blow-up doll, jealously watching Stripper sit on Preppy’s lap. Why does he care– she now has a sweatshirt covering her boobs. Even the blow-up doll’s wearing a bra. This bachelor party is giving me a soft-on! And I’m female.

“My name is Jessica/Some kids call me a slut!”

FPA enters, looking like a hippo caught in the headlights. Henry’s glad to see him but wonders where Hot Nerd is. FPA says he hasn’t seen him. People Lying To People For No Good Reason. That’s how they roll on the H.I.

Cut to ext. house. Abby knocks on the door. Fish Hunk answers, his lips decorously framed by some sexy stubble. They embrace.

Is that a trout in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?

Candlewick Inn, FPA’s Room. Fat Party Animal quivers on his bed with the bag of cash. My precioussssss…… FPA weeps.

Candlewick Pool. Trish notices the blow-up doll floating in the deserted pool. Obviously she or the writers are rather inebriated, since she starts talking to the doll and tries to fish it out. She falls in. As she enjoys a relaxing sink to the bottom, the pool cover unrolls, trapping her! OMG! As much as we’d all dig the ensuing stupidity of the bride being missing for eight more episodes, it isn’t meant to be. Someone dives in and saves her. It’s Ginger! As he prepares to perform Pervert CPR, Henry rushes in. Good thing I was here, Ginger says, as the shaken couple eyes him, vaguely disturbed.

I didn’t even know rosieodonnell.com sold sex toys!

And we’re out. Note to CBS: Putting this on right before the fabulous true-crime magazine 48 Hours Mystery doesn’t do either show any favors.