Harper’s Island: Thwack: Murder, They Poorly Wrote

Hi Gasmii,

Finally, our Harper’s Island friends are starting to realize something just ain’t right ’round here. Some unlikely pairings, some more ill-advised secret-keeping, even more animal carnage, and a truly depraved new super-couple, one of whom is eleven! That’s what you’re getting in the 5th episode of this klunky, antiseptic thrill-ride that makes one long for the eccentricity of Twin Peaks and the psychotic trash heaven of Wild Things.

I’m your recap artist, Leia LaBiblia. And this. Is Simpletons’ Island!

Candlewick Inn grounds, morning. Henry finds Trish traipsing around the gardens and reminds her how she got trashed on mojitos last night, fell in the pool and almost drowned. Maybe she should take it easy instead of all this stressful manicured-lawn-pacing. Nonsense, Trish says. She has oodles to do today. Henry flags down her passing dad Beef Wellington and asks him to tell her to take it easy. BW agrees and escorts Trish off someplace.

Fish Hunk’s living room. Abby awakens fully dressed on the couch to some loud knocking. She answers to her dad Grizzled Local Cop, who’s even more shocked to find her here than we are that she didn’t bone Fish Hunk. She tells him it’s not what he– then makes things way worse by telling him FH is in the shower.

I know what I’m having for breakfast.

Our prayers to Satan are answered when in strides FH, clad in a purple towel cinched an inch and a half below his navel, armpits and treasure trail glistening dewily. As Abby squirms/denies, FH makes a rakish comment about their wild night. FH, totes inappropes! Then with an easy natural charm to match his delectably natural bod, FH says he and Abby will meet GLC at Pepper’s. whatWhatWHAT?!? FH and GLC have plans? Don’t be so surprised, A. We found out last week FH’s “girlfriend” was an old bat, and your dad’s been a lonely widower for nigh on seven years. Kidding, Gasmii– FH is as straight as I am.

Massacre Woods. Trish and BW enjoy a father/daughter mountain-bike ride. Trish sees a white critter scampering through the forest. That looks like Purse-Dog! Didn’t Soror-Whore 1 “have to leave” the island? BW asks, finally addressing an issue that’s been annoying all of us for two weeks. Yes, she did, Trish confirms, without explaining why. But she mentions SW1′s boyfriend, who will be arriving soon. As they decide it couldn’t possibly be Purse-Dog– what with SW1 “having to leave” and all– they bike over a trip wire, causing a huge log to come swinging toward them. It hits Trish’s bike and she and BW crash off the path, lying still. Main Titles.

Got wood?

BW and Trish stir, banged up and unsure what happened. Trish’s cell phone is smashed. BW helps her to her feet and they hobble off past a No Trespassing sign.

Ext. Candlewick Inn. Goth Guy is in his Converses on the steps where he’s joined by his sociopathic niece-in-law-to-be Madison. They have a Creepy Outcast bonding moment and he asks her to help him with some mischief involving firecrackers.

I usually have to go on the internet to meet a guy THIS dreamy!

Candlewick Inn verandah. Henry is vaguely disturbed that Trish has been gone for two hours. Didn’t he tell her to go?! Henry is a woman. So naturally Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager asks him a question about table-runners: seashell or ecru? (Ecru.) They start discussing napkin holders until pops ring out– someone’s dropped firecrackers from the upper deck! Fucking kids.

Candlewick, Fat Party Animal’s room. FPA has a nightmare about Hot Nerd getting shot. He jiggles awake, freaked out. The shower is running. Hoping that HN is in there cleaning his wound, FPA goes into the bathroom and yanks the curtain. It’s empty. Dreadlocks appears at the door. He’s looking for HN. FPA says he hasn’t seen him, kicking the duffel bag of stolen cash FPA took from their late pal HN under the bed. Dreadlocks leaves HN a voicemail as FPA looks vaguely disturbed.

Show a little class. I could’ve been taking a dump!

Pepper’s Diner. We join Abby, Fish Hunk and Grizzled Local Cop mid-breakfast, reminiscing about the good ole days when GLC was summoned by BW to bust up a drunken teenage party on his summering yacht because even though Trish had BW’s permission to throw the floating rave (this was probably 1999 after all), BW decided he didn’t like the fact that Trish was dating humble summer help Henry. Just like GLC didn’t like FH dating Abby and even threw him in jail that night! But now they’re fine. Abby says the wedding’s tomorrow. Before she leaves the island, GLC asks if Abby would like to come over and go through some of her murdered mom’s things. Abby and we wonder why the hell she’d want to sift through Precious Moments figurines and elastic-waist jeans when she has so much FH to pork. But she sweetly says she’ll try to find time.

Hold the cream? I’D LOVE TO!

Candlewick, FPA’s room. What’s left of the Bro Posse: FPA, Dreadlocks and Spiky Hair discuss the curious disappearance of Hot Nerd. FPA “innocently” suggests that someone might have caught HN trying to hide all the found cash. They decide to split up and look for him. Dreadlocks and Spiky don’t comment on FPA’s seriously traumatized expression. They must think he’s just worried he missed the breakfast buffet.

Candlewick, Goth Guy’s room. GG stares at himself in the mirror, checking his hairline, which seems to have some weird scar from brain surgery or a salvia accident. Knock knock. It’s his new girlfriend Madison. Throwing those firecrackers at Bosomy Redhead was soooo much fun. She suggests they next toss a candy bar in the pool. GG says he’s busy, gathers up his kook meds and takes them into the bathroom. Madison tells him she’s going to be flower girl tomorrow. Why isn’t GG in the wedding? Yeah… don’t they need a ring-bearer? GG tells her his brother Henry asked him to be in the wedding but GG refused. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you have to like them. Madison can dig it– her grandpa BW thinks her dad, Kinky Ginger‘s a douche. These two have chemistry!

It’s called Vicodin. Want one?

Massacre Woods. Trish and BW slowly trundle down the path. Trish wants to know what BW has against Henry. BW says he just has a gut instinct that Henry can’t be trusted. Trish lashes back with that classic Widowed Rich Daddy chestnut, “How could you marry an indecently young tramp?!” Trish tops it with the news that her step-mommy Mrs. BW is cheating on him– with Ginger! whatWhatWHAT!??!

Candlewick. Abby runs into Henry and immediately confesses that she’s wearing the same clothes as last night. But Henrietta is more interested in the fact that she just had an amicable breakfast with her dad and Fish Hunk. Abby says her father asked to come over and pick up a few things. As fascinating as this all is, there’s a wedding-planning emergency. Bosomy can’t get hold of Reverend Deaf and she needs to know when the rehearsal will end so she can plan dinner. Everyone’s bitch, Henry offers to go find out. Fans of this show and you, Gasmii, will remember the old coot got strung up and decapitated three or four hundred episodes ago.

Harper’s Island church. Henry leaves another message for Trish then goes inside the empty chapel, looking for the Rev. He finds a bloody, mangled, fly-ridden cat carcass on the altar. I didn’t even know the reverend had a cat, did you? Maybe Purse-Dog did it after going feral two days before.

Gross!

Massacre Woods. BW tells Trish he feels like a cliche. Then you’re on the right island, pops! Before he can explain his “complicated” relationship with the adulterous Mrs BW, they spy a Scary Looking Forest Brute staring at them from a nearby ridge. They ask to use his phone, but instead of replying, he unleashes a giant German Shepherd, which charges the Wellingtons. They scramble for cover in a nearby rusted-out pick-up truck, but the nasty pup chomps down on BW’s foot as he dives into the camper with Trish.

No, I haven’t had my shots. Why do you ask?

Back from commercial. GLC’s Deputy tells Henry and GLC that from the messages and mail he found, looks like Reverend Deaf has not been in his office in a couple days. GLC dispatches Deputy to the Rev’s house to look for him, then grabs a shovel to clean up the rotting, gore-soaked pussy so Henry can have a nice rehearsal.

Massacre Woods. Fat Party Animal approaches the grave he put Hot Nerd in last night. FPA performs a grief-stricken monologue recapping the whole accidental femoral arterial severing-by-gunshot thing. He promises to give HN’s share of the cash to HN’s mom.

GLC’s house. Abby arrives but no one’s home. She calls her father.

Church. Henry and GLC shovel the mess into a trash barrel. On closer inspection, I think it might be a raccoon. Let’s call it a Maine Coon Cat. Tragic either way. GLC’s phone rings. He lets it go to voicemail, which might explain why he hasn’t been recruited for any higher-powered law-enforcement gigs in Alaska or Idaho.

Last time I saw this much blood in a church I was getting molested!

GLC’s house. Abby leaves a message saying she’s letting herself in.

Church. Henry mentions the deer head he found in his tub a short time back. GLC crustily asks why Henry didn’t call him. Maybe ’cause you don’t answer your phone, Sheriff Lobo! Henry says he suspects Townie, but Townie’s still locked up for kidnapping Goth Guy. Someone else sacrificed the cat/coon. I suggest the cops start with some bite-impressions from Madison.

GLC’s house. Abby checks out the cluttered place. From the looks of things, it hasn’t seen a woman’s (or judging from the green recliner and TV trays, a gay decorator’s) touch for nigh on seven years.

Church. On their way out, Henry and GLC chat. We learn that Henry and GG’s parents are dead and already know but are told that GG hasn’t handled it particularly well. GLC thanks Henry for getting married on the island because that’s the only thing that brought Abby back. Chris Gorham and Jim Beaver are good enough actors that this is slightly touching. Maybe whoever tore that coon/cat apart and left its rotting carcass on the altar is making us all a little less cynically cunty, Gasmii. What? I’m serious. OK, forget it! You cold-hearted whores.

GLC’s house. Abby finds her old bedroom neat as a pin and perfectly preserved. She sits on the bed, fondles her quilt, and then picks up a framed photo of her dead mom, wearing the most insanely awful wig EVER. Was Abby’s mom a poverty-stricken cancer patient?? Or maybe a Hasidic housewife? ‘Cause with that “hair ” she’s ready to drive the yeshiva carpool down Beverly Boulevard. Oy vey and que horror!

Wigger, please!

Church. Henry and GLC continue their therapy session. H: Abby has a lot of bad memories. Some of them involve you.

Abby’s room. She gingerly opens a box full of mom-stuff. All sweaters and chenille throws from what I could see. Maybe it’s drafty there.

Church. Henry retrieves a box of trash bags and notices a RED FIRECRACKER on the church floor! Your recap artist called this one, Gasmii. I told you that brat Madison was up to no good.

Pick-Up Truck/Camper Shell. BW, armed with a broken beer bottle, carefully crawls out of the truck as Trish cowers in terror. Everything looks kosher (sorry, I’m still Jewing out over that wig!), then reveal the slavering mutt perched atop the camper! Daddy, look out! The dog leaps for BW’s throat but he stabs it in the throat, killing it. Jesus H. Christ. This show has more dead animals in it than the Alaska Governor’s Mansion. If CBS needs to give the ratings a jolt, all they have to do is anonymously report themselves to PETA and they’ll get buckets of press. Trish gives BW a grateful hug.

Don’t fuck with Beef Wellington.

GLC’s house. Abby goes up to the attic and discovers her dad’s private Massacre Obsession Workshop– a bulletin board full of CHOTSONA! A sizzling plate of my special Bunuelos de Queso to the first Gasmi who remembers this stands for Concisely Headlined, On-Topic, Sequentially Ordered News Articles. This time they’re accompanied by network-gruesome crime-scene and autopsy photos, plus mugshots of moody murderer John Wakefield. Abby flings open a cupboard with even more CHOTSONA, these referring to other, more recent murders in the Washington/Oregon area that may be the work of “another Wakefield”… Exposition achieved!

Back from commercial. Abby sees GLC pull into the driveway. She quickly re-sets the attic and scurries downstairs. But we see she has accidentally knocked a file cabinet open. Abby is about to beat a hasty but polite retreat when GLC offers a heartfelt apology for the way he acted, and “what I said” before she fled the island. He hopes he’ll see Abby again before she leaves.

Cut to Fish Hunk’s House. Abby vents to sympathetic but unfortunately fully dressed FH about her dad’s ongoing fixation with Wakefield. She thinks this is pretty damn sick. She better never take a peek at my true-crime bookshelf and dvd horror collection.

You’d be much more comfortable without those garments.

Massacre Woods. Trish and BW hobble down the path to clean up their bloody selves before the rehearsal. BW orders Trish to say nothing about Ginger and Mrs BW to Trish’s Sister. BW will deal with it after the wedding.

Cut to dog-attack site. Purse-Dog sniffs around the German shepherd’s corpse. Muddy boots approach the slain hell-hound. It’s Scary-Looking Forest Brute, who has shaggy grey hair and a half-burned scary face! John Wakefield’s Less Evil But Still Dangerously Unhinged Twin Brother, anyone???

Candlewick Library Lounge. The Bro Posse meets up. They couldn’t find Hot Nerd. Spiky suggests that maybe HN absconded with the 250K. Fat Party Animal acts up a sweat, denying that HN would ever do that, even though it’s exactly what FPA wants Dreadlocks and Spiky to believe. HN probably chartered a boat and is “chillin at his moms”. To none of our surprise, they agree to tell no one about this.

Candlewick grounds. Henry is super-relieved to see Trish and BW arrive. Trish tells him they had a small accident but doesn’t elaborate. They share a warm embrace, so happy to have each other. She notices Henry smells like putrefying raccoon. He doesn’t elaborate.

GLC’s attic. GLC notices the jutting file cabinet. He gets a phone call from Deputy, who found a hearing aid someplace. GLC confirms that the missing Reverend Deaf did indeed wear one.

I prefer to call it UP Syndrome!

Candlewick, Trish’s Sister’s suite. Henry asks TS if she’s seen Goth Guy. Not since the boat ride over. Henry has a private chat with Creepy Madison. He says he saw her and Goth Guy tossing firecrackers. Did Madison and GG go the church together [and perform a savage animal sacrifice]? Practicing for many depositions to come, Madison deadpans that she hasn’t seen GG all day.

Candlewick, Goth Guy’s room. GG enters and is surprised to see an enraged Henry there. Whipping out the firecracker, Henry says he got GG’s “message” at the church. He manhandles him a bit, then tells him they’re done. GG is banned from the wedding. GG ominously says he’s got one more surprise for Henry, and he’s really gonna like it…

He disgusts us, too.

GLC approaches Deputy in a secluded area near the Rev’s house. Deputy says he found the hearing aid in the dirt while urinating. GLC: Remind me again why I hired you. Deputy: My Uncle Ned was best man at your wedding. I know, who gives a shit, but it may be on the test.

Church. A cleaned-up BW and that masochistic adulterous slut Mrs BW enter arm-in-arm. The lovely spot makes Mrs BW wish they’d had a church wedding. She probably just wants to get sodomized by a precociously pubescent altar boy while staring at stained-glass Stations of the Cross. Or something.

Does my breath smell like ball-gag?

FPA and Dreadlocks decide to tell Henry that Hot Nerd had a family emergency. But right now Spiky is busy confessing to Henry that he never banged Trish. But he tried, when they were broken up, of course. It’s OK. Trish already told him. Neither of them mention if Henry told Trish about the time when he and Spiky drank a bottle of peppermint schnapps and mutually masturbated to a Jenna Jameson video. But my guess is no.

Trish enters with her bridesmaid Soror-Whore 2, who just wants to find a man exactly like Henry. We’re in church. Keep it in your pants, honey.

Woodland trail. GLC and Deputy follow the footprints leading away from Reverend Deaf’s house.

Church. Bosomy Redhead Hotel Manager enters. She says the Rev can’t be here, she’ll be conducting the rehearsal, and starts bossing everyone around. Abby enters. Henry says she could have brought FH but she says no, she’s here just for him.

Woodland trail/sea marsh. GLC investigates something in the muck.

Talk to the hand, bitches!

Church. Bosomy takes roll. Absent are Hot Nerd (family emergency), Soror-Whore 1 (back tomorrow) and Slutty Blonde Bitch (no fucking clue). Trish cracks that at this rate, they could’ve eloped. TS tells her it’s all going to be worth it. TS’s wedding was the happiest day of her life. Trish casts a queasy glance at Kinky Ginger. Henry quickly reminds his bride he and Trish are NOT them. Henry doesn’t even enjoy nipple play.

Sea Marsh. GLC yanks what he hopes is a fishing line out of the muck and starts to reel it in. There’s something stuck to it out in the water.

Intercut with Church, where an old bag plays the wedding march on organ and everyone takes their places. Abby will be doing a reading. Let’s hope it’s some Sarah McLachlan lyrics and not that St Paul to the Corinthians tired horse-shit. Henry and Trish do mock I-do’s.

Just a second… I need to vote for Cholaheta.

GLC fishes out chunks of a body. It’s Reverend Deaf. Look, there’s his head, tastefully out-of-focus in the background. GLC calls Abby. She sends it to voicemail. Bosomy asks Abby to get the lights. She turns off the Craftsman chandelier, which activates some booby trap and the chandelier, modified with the razor-sharp spade that lopped the Rev’s head off, drops the blade down, right toward BW’s face. Wow! If her lawyer’s as good as I bet he is, his human-urinal widow Mrs BW is gonna own herself an island church!

Slice of Beef, anyone?

And so we’re done again. This episode was very set-uppy/plot-heavy, so count on a terrifyingly satisfying next few shows!

I’m joking.

What I’d like to see happen is the arrival and prompt slaughter of some TVgasm reality stars, playing themselves as “celebrity” wedding guests. Imagine Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives of NYC with an axe between her implants, Danny Gokey from American Idol with a slit throat, or Jaime, the racist mega-twat from Amazing Race stabbed repeatedly with a fishing hook, tied to a noose then dropped through a skylight, where the shards of glass impale and dismember Sarah C from Pretty Wicked. Sweet dreams and buenas noches!