Harper’s Island: Thrack, Splack, Sizzle: 2001 A Waste Odyssey

Gasmii Gasmii Gasmii!

We’re halfway through the season and the rumors and theories are buzzing across the internet. Unfortunately for Harper’s Island, most of them have to do with whether Danny Gokey will make an honest woman of his boo Jamar when the Idol tour hits Iowa. I kid because I love… to hate those closeted fruits.

But what I love even more are your recent comments about my humble re-crap. Thank you all for giving a shit! This episode promises less mayhem, bigger plotholes, and all the Filet O’Fish Hunk you can eat. The smart money’s on our beloved FH as the dangerously unhinged main murderer, but let’s not count out Possible Surprise Psychos Abby, Henry, and yes even Trish. When writers free up their imaginations and dispense with carefully outlined arcs, anything’s possible!

Candlewick Inn, next morning. Grizzled Local Cop and Deputy pull up on official business and head upstairs to the guest rooms. The Bro Posse plus Soror-Whore 2 speculate about who the killer might be. Henry’s bro Goth Guy, or maybe Trish’s recently harpooned brother-in-law Kinky Ginger. Spiky Hair wants to know how GLC can search their rooms without a warrant. Dreadlocks and SW2 say they’re OK with their stuff being searched. Fat Party Animal waddles away “to pack”.

Me no need napkin!

Trish’s Sis tells moppet Creepy Madison she’s not sure where Kinky Ginger is this morning. Nosey Madsy wants to know if Ginger is gone because of what M told GLC. No. Well is he gone because he split Grampa’s skull with a deadly chandelier/head-spade? No, TS snips, Daddy Ginger loved your Grampa!

Candlewick, FPA’s room. Fat Party Animal is packing the 250K into a different duffel bag when there’s a knock at the door. Panicked, FPA crams all the tainted cash into one bag and tosses it out the window (!!!) before answering to Soror-Whore 2. She wants to thank him for being her big soft rock yesterday. They share a warm moment, then FPA ushers her out with a “see ya on the boat”.

I’m sure this 250 grand will be fine wherever it lands.

Candlewick, honeymoon suite. Henry enters to find a very medicated Trish on the couch. Henry says a boat has been chartered to take everyone back to Seattle at four. Henry volunteers to stay behind with Beef Wellington’s body. OK, Trish murmurs. H: People are asking about the wedding. OK, Trish murmurs.

Candlewick lobby. Abby enters with her packed bags and runs into Fish Hunk, who just did a few dozen push-ups, if his deliciously bulging pecs are any indication. He just heard about BW and wants to know how Abby’s doing. The locals are freaking out because the deadly chandelier incident reminds them of John Wakefield. FH has come to say goodbye. He and Abby sadly agree that something always gets in their way. Yes, it’s called murder. As they hold a warm look:

FLASHBACK: “7 YEARS EARLIER”. Harper’s Island promenade. Pierced Tongue schools Abby about boys. When one takes you “camping”, that means sex. Despite the fact that she’s starting college in the fall, Abby is shocked! But since she and Fish Hunk love each other, shouldn’t they, like, go for it? She doesn’t realize that FH, in a cute pink tee, has sneaked up behind her until he says “Absolutely”. OMG, what did you hear?! Nuthin’, I swear.

His name’s Lou Pearlman and he totally says I got what it takes!

At this point I should add that slight hair adjustments are the sole concession to 2001. Correct me if I’m wrong, Gasmii, but even the background music is a song from 2009! This is the kind of detail network execs were born to note. But then these people approved the casting of Preppy Blonde Snot and Creepy Madison. And Goth Guy and Soror-Whore 1. And Soror-Whore 2. Jesus Geraldo Cristo, we are only 8 minutes in, mijos. Abby gives Pierced Tongue the boot and tells FH yes, they will be camping their brains out tonight. They share a badly staged, chaste kiss.

Back to present. Candlewick, Goth Guy’s room. Grizzled Local Cop tosses GG’s duffel bags and finds firecrackers. Henry enters. GLC wags the feux d’artifice in his face and asks if Henry was going to tell him GG put the dead raccoon in the church. Henry explains he was trying to protect his brother. Then GLC trots Henry into the bathroom for a gander at GG’s kook meds. Henry is surprised to see them– he thought GG quit taking them because they make him feel “foggy”. I’m exactly like GG, if you replace “foggy” with “fuckin awesome”. All GLC wants to know is GG depressed/psychotic enough to kill. Henry hopes not. GLC picks a phone out of GG’s bag and asks if it’s GG’s. Henry whips his phone out and dials GG, but the other phone doesn’t ring. GLC finds Henry listed in its contacts and dials. Henry’s phone rings but the caller ID says Uncle Harry! GLC: Looks like we’ve found our killer. Translation: They haven’t found shit. MAIN TITLES

Two capsules by mouth as needed to curb dangerously unhinged bloodlust….

Candlewick verandah. Abby watches Henry and Trish at the door to TS’s bungalow. He tries to touch his bride and she pushes him away and goes inside. Henry sees Abby, then explains Trish blames him for his brother offing her dad. Women.

A team of bloodhounds arrives to assist GLC in locating GG. Henry wants to help and promises to stay out of the way.

Great. More fuckin’ patchouli.

Abby nervously crosses the grounds and is startled by a Gardener with loud, chainsaw-like tree-trimming equipment. Someone watches her through a bush.

Honeymoon suite. Abby enters with breakfast for Trish. It’s 10 AM, the time when BW was supposed to be walking Trish down the aisle. Trish wants her future brother-in-law executed. Abby understands. After Wakefield killed her mom, she suddenly got very Texan on capital punishment.

FLASHBACK: Abby’s bedroom. As Abby packs for her camping trip, her mom enters in that ridiculous Orthodox Jewess Wig. Despite Abby’s denials, Mom knows she’s planning a tryst with Fish Hunk. Abby is too young to be dating a “wild” boy like that! Um, she’s starting college in the fall. Is this 2001 or 1951?! Mom says she used to date “boys like that”, and Abby sharply expositionizes that Mom went with the “safe bet”, GLC. I’d really like to see some pictures, because with hair like that, there was NO WAY Mom was getting FH-caliber wang.

Back to now. Abby advises Trish to talk to her dad. Abby found post-mortem chats with her mom helped her cope. Trish tells her she does have things to say to BW and wishes their last day could’ve been different.

Your verkakte virginity’s more important than the nice piece fish I made for shabbat dinner? Feh.

FLASHBACK: Abby’s mom implicitly agrees to keep up the ruse that Abby is camping with Pierced Tongue. GLC doesn’t like Fish Hunk either. Abby and FH hike through sun-dappled forest. FH asks what’s going to happen to their relationship when Abby goes off to school. Abby remarks that Henry and Trish go to different schools and that seems to work. FH wonders if Henry and Trish will get married. Before Abby can wonder why FH is acting like such a queer, fiery CGI explosions rock the nearby marina. Holy cow!

Actually, I’m pitching a tent right now.

Back from commercial, Henry and GLC follow the dog team over Bisect Bridge and chat. GLC: So you were saying you feel responsible…? Henry says he should’ve done more after their parents died. After all, GG started wearing black and getting tatts. GLC: So you say Uncle Harry was your brother’s legal guardian? Henry confirms that and says that as great as Uncle H was, his sexaholism and generally rakish attitude made him a less than ideal role model for troubled baby GG. GLC says that it’s not Henry’s fault and tons of kids have way shittier parents and don’t saw them in half.

Candlewick grounds. A super-stressed Fat Party Animal scrambles over the noisy tree-trimmer who terrifies FPA by swinging the gardening implement right near his chins. Eli Roth, the genius behind Hostel, and I, your recap artist, share the same favorite Spanish horror movie, a deliriously disgusting 1983 masterpiece released in America as Pieces. If you love cheesy, gory, stupid slasher flicks (and if you don’t, why are we doing this together??), you must track down the deluxe DVD edition from Grindhouse Video. I bring it up because that film, too, has a sinister gardener wielding a chainsaw during a rash of slayings on the grounds of an upscale location pretending to be in the United States. It also features pants-wetting, a lady tennis pro moonlighting as a homicide detective, frontal male nudity, aerobicising in go-go boots, and a push-button phone in a 1940′s flashback. It’s the Showgirls of splatter movies. Pick it up and get back to me!

Hold still. That facial hair has got to go.

Back to FPA and the duffel bag with 250K he pitched out the window. He tells the gardener he accidentally dropped it and, oh, look, there it is. Gardener hands it to FPA. You are the man I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again, thank you. FPA waddles away with the loot.

Candlewick corridor, moments later. FPA pops out the stairs door and sees a clerk leading a deputy down the hall. FPA waits a beat, then dashes to his room and starts transferring the blood-stained wads of cash into his backpack. He flings open the door and is face-to-face with Spiky and Dreadlocks. They enter the room and tell FPA they saw him scamper off when he heard GLC was searching rooms. They know what he’s up to! FPA almost poops until they reveal they’re after the blow-up doll. Yes, they’re actually dredging up this insanely embarrassing plot device again. Exactly why the fairly fuckable Spiky needs a low-end inflatable masturbation device is not explained. The point is– Spiky is certain it’s in FPA’s backpack. FPA makes a run for it, but his fitter pals seize the Jansport and discover all the cheddar. And not the kind FPA usually carries. OMFG. Dreadlocks: Where’s Hot Nerd?!

Harper’s Island Medical Clinic & Dental Center. Dr Oldfart tells Abby and Trish they can visit BW’s body. Visit, not view, the corpulent coroner discreetly tells Abby, since what’s under that sheet is more than vaguely disturbing. Trish is teary and torn, but decides she has to try. They enter another room and Trish addresses a shrouded corpse. Hi, Daddy.

Cop Suey

FLASHBACK: Harpers Island Marina. Chaos as Abby & Fish Hunk race down the pier. They see Henry, who’s smudged but okay. GLC is barking orders for everyone to evacuate the dock in case there’s another explosion. A different deputy lies wounded on the wharf, half of his face burned to a crisp! Just like Scary-Looking Forest Brute. AKA Goth Guy’s secret pal. AKA Purse-Dog‘s new owner. AKA Nine Hours of Exposition You’ll Soon Be Hearing.

Back to now. Candlewick, FPA’s room. FPA has confessed to helplessly watching Hot Nerd bleed to death after HN shot himself. Spiky & Dreadlocks want to know why FPA kept this from them and he admits he wanted to keep all the money. Dreadlocks socks him in the jaw then calls FPA a murderer. FPA hysterically insists he didn’t kill Hot Nerd, it was an accident! Dreadlocks and Spiky have had enough. They tell FPA they’ll meet him downstairs and then they’re going to GLC to reveal all. Then digging up HN. They leave FPA alone.

Pimp-slap dat shit!

Forest trail. GLC and Henry walk and talk. Henry says GG blamed Henry and Uncle Harry for all his post-orphaning problems. GG tried to kill himself in a suicide pact with a gal pal. Henry arrived home in time to save GG, but not his friend. Uncle Harry and Henry checked GG into the nuthouse, where he stayed for over a year. GG never forgave them for it.

Clinic. Trish emerges from the room and tells Abby she’s really glad she came to see her today. I’m really glad we didn’t have to hear a monologue to BW’s corpse. Abby says she did it for Trish and Henry. Trish: Me and Henry– it’s never going to be the same, is it? Before she can reply, Dr Oldfart appears and Abby asks him to take Trish back to the hotel. Abby needs to pick up some things at her dad’s house. Abby assures the concerned doctor she’ll be fine.

Nurse, I’ll be back in three days. I’m going to lunch.

GLC’s house. Abby retrieves the key by the front door, triggering a…

FLASHBACK. GLC’s house. Abby enters, calling out to her mom about the explosion. No one’s home. Abby sees the back door open and a broken tchotchke. Alarmed, she answers the phone to her dad. He tells her to lock all doors and windows and wait for him there, then hangs up. As Abby starts locking up, she hears blood-curdling shrieks. Mom?!?

Back to now. Abby unlocks the door, then puts the key under the plant. She turns around and is terrified by Scary-Looking Forest Brute!

Back from commercial. As unnerved as Abby is, there’s expo to get out. A: You used to work for my dad. SLFB: I’m Cole Harkin. I was one of his deputies. A: You were at the marina when Wakefield… SLFB: I was the match he used to start the fire. SLFB has a message for Abby: Goth Guy is innocent. GLC is chasing the wrong man and is a big fat liar! Abby should ask her dad about the FIRST time Wakefield came to the island. Wakefield burned SLFB as an act of revenge, but his real target was GLC. It’s true, ask your dad! SLFB stomps off.

We all love hung guys but this is ridonkulous.

FLASHBACK: Massacre Woods. Abby hunts for her mother. She hears a ruckus and drops behind a bush. A spade-wielding, cargo-panted Wakefield drags a screaming young man by a rope down the road. As the guy begs for his life, Wakefield clobbers him with the already-bloody head-spade. As Wakefield turns his attention to the whimpering behind the bushes, a pick-up truck slams to a halt and Fish Hunk pops part-way out of the cab. Hey, you! Serial killer! Wakefield turns toward the truck, allowing Abby to escape down the path. Wakefield is shown only from the neck down, meaning some kind of sinister something, right?

Back to now. Massacre Woods. GLC says after they catch GG, he’ll be handed over to the state police. As Henry looks anguished, the dogs start barking. They’ve found something. It’s GG, being chased by the dogs and their rifle-toting handlers. GLC orders Henry to stay back, but he catches up to GG and tackles him on the dock. The good thing about an island, besides Mr Roarke and all those fantasies, is that the woods can end absolutely anywhere and suddenly you’re at the water. GG says Henry is going to feel pretty stupid when GG’s locked up and the killings continue!

Candlewick driveway. Abby beelines for GLC and demands answers. Is he lying about Wakefield? Is Mom dead because of you?

“Because there’s murder (murder!) by the roadside/In a sore afraid new world”

FLASHBACK. Massacre Woods. Abby stumbles into a clearing and sees the Murder Tree, decorated with hanging corpses like some perverse Xmas tree decorated with corpses. The third body is Abby’s mom, her wig in death hugely teased and disheveled.

Back to now. Abby tells GLC that Cole Harkin/SLFB paid her a visit. So spill it, pops. Why did Wakefield come back to the island for GLC? He didn’t– he came back for Abby’s mom. She and Wakefield dated back in Seattle when Mom was a young wigletted teen and Wakefield was a Wild Boy, reckless and so hungered. That’s how Mom came to the island in the first place, escaping from Wakefield. Then he tracked her down and tried to hurt her, so GLC gave him a beat-down. Abby is still stuck a few seconds back, at the part of the story where her mom was boffing the sickest super-villain in Harper’s history!

There’s never a good time to learn Mom screwed a serial killer.

FLASHBACK. GLC’s house. A sobbing Abby demands to know why GLC is sending her away. Like you, I was under the impression Abby was starting college in a couple months, but there’s obviously more going on because Abby is screaming at her dad, knocking the booze out of his hand, and accusing him of not loving Mom or else he’d have saved her. GLC snarls that maybe she got what she deserved! Abby is devastated.

Back to now. GLC explains that on Wakefield’s first trip to HI, GLC had his deputies rough Wakefield up for messing with Abby’s future mom. Wakefield cut SLFB’s face, but GLC charged him with attempted murder of a cop instead of simple assault. GLC pulled every string in the book to get Wakefield put away for an extended prison stay. Abby gives her dad props but insists he still should’ve told her everything. GLC says he was trying to protect Mom’s memory. it was just easier to have Abby hate him. Viewers: You mean the memory you already at the very least tarnished by saying she deserved to get killed?

Honeymoon suite. TS wonders where Trish has been. She says she went to see BW to say goodbye. And she’s calling off the wedding. Not postponing, canceling. TS is stunned. Trish says every time she looks at Henry she sees sliced Beef Wellington. TS urges her not to be hasty. T: It’s done, beeyotch!

I just got offered my next part. Who’s Woody Allen?

Madison sits in the other room, mesmerized by a shiny necklace. I swear. Someone spies on her through the front door window, then slides an envelope through the crack. Madison opens it and pulls out what looks like a wedding invitation.

Candlewick basement. As if in a trance, FPA approaches the boiler room furnace. He opens the backpack, which you’d think Spiky and Dreads would have confiscated, and starts pitching the dirty bloody money into the flames. This worked in A Simple Plan, but that was an ingeniously scripted, spellbindingly performed, razor-taut morality play and this is… Harper’s Island. FPA is certainly in the top third of the actors here, but all I can think of is how retarded it is that a missing blow-up doll is leading to 250K in ashed cash. Thankfully at this point someone starts killing FPA with plenty of off-screen, horrible wet brutal noises. FPA’s bloody paw grabs the furnace and fries a little before we smash to black.

That’s not Strawberry Quik.

Back from commercial. Honeymoon suite, verandah. Abby arrives for girl-talk with Trish. Abby says that she regrets allowing Wakefield’s actions to cut herself off from everyone who cared about her. She doesn’t know if things can be the same for Trish and Henry, but Abby wanted Trish to have this. She hands her a photo of two tots. Trish says she remembers this, so it must be Trish and Henry. Trish seems moved by this, although if you ask me, marrying for sentimentality’s sake is not a good idea. But normally neither is marrying the person you were dating at seven. As a Death Cab for Cutie song from 2003 kicks in…

FLASHBACK TO 2001. GLC puts Abby on a boat to the mainland. Her grandmother should be waiting for her at the airport. “Should be”?! Wait… Her mother was just murdered, and this was pre-9/11, so the old bitch damn well BETTER be. Abby thinks GLC is doing the selfish and convenient thing by sending her away. She boards the boat without a hug. As it leaves the dock, Fish Hunk comes running down the wharf. If Abby sees him, she doesn’t wave.

Back to now. HI Marina. Abby finds FH on his boat chopping fish. She reiterates that she left the island without saying goodbye to him seven years ago (the show takes place in 2008 in case you think I’m slipping). She then reveals FH saved her life by showing up in his truck on Massacre Day when she was at the side of the road. FH says he already knew– he saw her there. Why didn’t he say anything? Because he didn’t want her to think she owed him anything. But she owes him her life! FH says if she hadn’t left town, they’d have done “a helluva lot of camping”. Ignoring his fish-butchering apron, Abby seizes FH for a passionate kiss. Finally… FINALLY! Oh, Diary, he CAN’T be the killer! He just can’t!!!

You had us at halibut.

Candlewick. Clutching the wedding invite, Madison approaches a dimly lit banquet room. “Daddy, daddy?” she calls out, before entering the room. The door slams shut behind her. Finally… FINALLY! Oh, Diary, how I hate that little troll. Sigh.