Q: Who, in the opening paragraph of her April 26, 2009, TVgasm blog, mockingly pitched the title “Gurgle” for a future episode of Harper’s Island???
A: Your recap artist Leia LaBiblia, por supuesto.
Yes, you could say I foretold this entire episode. In fact, you, Gasmii, send me dozens of e-mails a week saying with talent like mine, I should have been on the Harper’s Island writing staff. Before we take a stab at Numero Ocho, let me just respond to that:
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU.
Abby‘s intro statement has changed. Now she says her “best friend was supposed to marry the girl of his dreams”. Then there’s 53 seconds of Previously On. Like you don’t know what happened. As if what we do here is completely invisible. Insignificant. Worthless. You’ll pay for that, CBS. You’ll all pay!!!!!!
LOL. Really, I’m just kidding. ROFLMAO.
Ext., Candlewick Inn, mid-afternoon. Bags are loaded onto vehicles to be shuttled to the harbor so everyone can get on the 4:00 boat and get the hell off the island.
Yes, the little girl who put ketchup on the maxi-pad and threw it in the pool. Seen her?
Int., Candlewick. An agitated Trish’s Sister searches for her moppet Madison, whom you may recall was last glimpsed wandering into a isolated banquet room where the door swung shut behind her. The maids and janitors are no help as TS scours the corridors, ballroom and kitchen. As I write this in the still of the night, clattering footsteps echo through the courtyard of my Mulholland Drive-esque 1912 Hollywood Spanish apartment building, my pulse quickens and my huge natural breasts quiver in their plunging silk La Perla negligee. For the first time since this show’s debut, I’m actually a little creeped-out.
No, Henry. You’re the one on the left.
Ext. Candlewick. Trish pensively waits by the front steps. She unfolds the photo Abby gave her, depicting Li’l Trish and her ex-fiance Li’l Henry at a more innocent time, circa 1988, before they knew what the words emotional betrayal, killing spree and non-refundable deposit even meant. Her reverie is interrupted by Henry asking if she’s ready to go. They share a warm moment, Henry unaware Trish has decided never to marry him. Trish says she wishes Henry were coming with her, but he needs to stay and corpse-sit her recently head-spaded manipulative zillionaire dead dad Beef Wellington. Trish gives Henry a passionless hug. Over his shoulder, she looks vaguely disturbed.
Spiky Hair, Soror-Whore 2, Preppy Blonde Snot and Slutty Blonde Bitch pass by with their luggage. Slutty remarks that they’ve caught the killer, Henry’s brother Goth Guy. Spiky says he knew GG well, that GG and Henry were best friends.
TWO cartons and you got yourself a deal.
Harper’s Island jail. Goth Guy is in a cell. Grizzled Local Cop handcuffs GG through the bars. Townie, in the next cell, suggests GLC foot-cuff GG as well. Townie claims GG has been telling him about murdering everyone and that GG said GLC is next. As GLC marches GG out, Townie asks to be released. “Since the wedding’s canceled”, Townie asks to be set free, angling for those pesky attempted murder-of-GG charges to be dropped. GLC tells him to shut up.
GLC puts GG in a chair in his adjoining office and immediately starts in with third-degree exposition. GLC has known GG since GG was a kid– how could he do this? GG sullenly denies killing anyone. GLC reminds him the evidence says otherwise. GLC wants to know why GG sicced ex-deputy Scary-Looking Forest Brute and his char-grilled face on Abby. GG insists SLFB went to Abby on his own. Since SLFB can allegedly vouch for GG’s innocence, where is he? Some guy named Butch‘s old hunting shack, GG sullenly replies. But be careful, Sheriff. SLFB doesn’t much like GLC.
She actually gets paid for this.
Ext. Candlewick. Fish Hunk walks Abby to a harbor-bound golf cart. He wants to come visit her in L.A. Too bad the boat’s full or he’d come now, they sigh, before melting into another tame but enviable kiss.
You want fries to go with that shake, sweet-cheeks?
FH says goodbye and walks off as TS approaches Henry and Trish. Madison’s gone! And her dad, TS’s adulterous late husband Kinky Ginger, seems to have vanished, too!
The Widow BW wonders if Ginger might have taken Madis– Trish snaps at her adulterous stepmother. They’ll find the tot. Henry says the boat will wait, then asks Dreadlocks, SW2, Spiky and Slutty to help find his almost-niece. Spiky shoots weird looks toward Preppy as we all think everyone splitting up to hunt for the little tard is the perfect recipe to knock off a couple more characters.
Jail. Townie taunts GG. If GG had killed himself correctly the first time, none of this would be happening. GG says Townie’s the pussy for not properly murdering GG back in Townie’s garage. Townie grabs GG through their shared bars and starts to throttle him. A Blonde Deputy appears and tells them to simmer down. Suddenly, the lights go out. In the dark, a shotgun blast, and Blonde Deputy death-grunts and topples to the floor, his keys dropping nearby. Townie and GG stare at the bloody hole in Deputy’s back. Another ka-blam rings out! In the dark, Townie begs the shooter to not shoot them. The lights come back on. No killer.
CHAINED HEAT IV
Starring Rachel Dratch
GG shoves a skinny arm through his bars for the keys, nabbing them. GG unlocks his own cell, emerges, and touches the dead deputy to check his pulse/leave DNA. Townie demands to be released. GG thinks about it for a sec, then tosses the keys at the body, enraging Townie. Next time Townie sees GG, he’s dead, ya hear me, DEAD! There’s a lot of conditionals here but no time for us to debate them cuz GG scampers off. MAIN TITLES.
Candlewick. Bosomy Red-Head Hotel Manager sounds super-Canadian as she lets Trish and TS into the room she gave Ginger last night. His suitcase is there, but he obviously never slept here…you know, since this is a hotel and no one could’ve possibly made the bed if he had. (???) Trish assures TS that Ginger’s a good father and he’d never have snatched Madsy. Unconvinced, TS spits that Ginger knows TS would get custody.
Harper’s Island road. GLC parks his cop car and walks up an overgrown trail into the woods, past No Trespassing signs, gun drawn.
Ext, suspension foot-bridge. Abby, Henry and The Widow BW search for Madison.
Maybe she’s playing hopscotch in this scenic gorge. You know kids…
Candlewick. Trish, TS, Preppy and Slutty search. Preppy wonders if Madsy would go down to the basement. She’s probably down there mutilating puppies as they speak…
Candlewick, Fat Party Animal‘s room. Dreads, Spiky and SW2 enter. They see FPA’s bags on the bed. Where is FPA, anyway? Spiky says they need to focus on finding the kid.
“Is it just me, or is that cat on Real Housewives of NJ the fugliest thing ever?”
Massacre Woods. GLC is about to trip one of the deadly snares when he hears jingling. He pauses, pistol at the ready. The jingling makes me wonder if a dangerously unhinged sex psycho is voyeuring me from my courtyard. But onscreen, it’s just Purse-Dog, who wasn’t in last week’s show and is therefore now affordable. And adorable! And bedraggled and shivering. GLC grimaces homophobically at PD, then leans forward, beckoning. He trips the wire and a medium-sized spike stabs GLC in the thigh! OUCH! GLC grits his teeth, and yanks on the spike, screaming.
Candlewick kitchen. Dreads, Spiky and SW2 find a dead rat in a trap. It’s not Madison. SW2 wanders off, searching. Spiky and Dreads tell each other that even without FPA, they’re going to tell GLC what happened with the 250K and dead Hot Nerd. Spiky reminds Dreads that without FPA, they don’t know where HN is buried.
Those can’t be the ratings!
SW2 enters the walk-in fridge, smelling something fouler than expired continental breakfast. Something’s in the corner, covered with diaphanous cling-wrap. She whips it off and discovers a dismembered pig. But not FPA. She turns back and squeals, bumping into someone. But it’s only Spiky. SW2: I hate this place. Yeah? Well, you’re lucky to be here, Missy, considering you have no discernible traits, back-story or personality.
Harper’s Island playground. Abby, Henry and The Widow BW search. Henry and Abby share a warm moment RE: the photo Abby gave Trish. Abby says she found a box of pix at GLC’s and wants to give Henry one of Henry, GG and Henry’s dead parents. Oops. Abby apologizes, but Henry’s not offended. He doesn’t own many photos of the dead folks and would love to have it.
Have you guys ever been tied naked to a merry-go-round?
Candlewick basement. Trish, TS, Preppy & Slutty search the dank, greenish-lit cellar. They come to a door marked INCINERATOR KEEP OUT. The perfect place for Madison to dispose of mutilated dolls and kitty skeletons. (BTW, was anyone else offended by the kitten “plot point” in the otherwise nerve-frying Drag Me To Hell?) They slide open the heavy door. Something stinks and it ain’t just the 20 minutes of filler we’ve been watching… They’re about to leave– TS says Madsy would never come down here, “it’s too creepy”. Hello, have you met your daughter? Then they see a bloody handprint on the trash furnace. Oh, no, what if Madison suddenly developed serious hormone problems and grew a man-sized paw to match her forehead!?!
TS whimperingly reaches for the incinerator to reveal the awful truth but Preppy warns TS not to burn herself and uses his suit jacket to open it. That’s some serious chivalry. I’m no Katie Holmes, but I know that fine custom midget tailoring ain’t cheap. Preppy peers inside, flames flickering, and shovels out a blackened human skull, to the gals’ nausea. But good news, Preppy says. It’s too big to be a child’s skull. Yay.
We’re all one tanning-bed mishap away from this.
Harper’s Island shoreline. Henry, Abby and WBW find a rope trailing into the cove. They discover dead Ginger harpooned to a giant tree stump! Henry and Abby are shocked. The Widow BW is whore-ified. Abby’s cell rings. It’s Madison. M: I’m supposed to tell you… if anyone leaves the island… I’ll DIE! Madison either hangs up, has the phone taken from her, or is trying to use AT&T with a Blackberry Bold.
How many killers does it take to harpoon a full-grown man to a tree?
I’m really asking. ‘Cause it looks harder than George Michael at a glory-hole.
Ext., Candlewick. Back from commercial, Henry, Abby and WBW hurry up the steps. They have to call GLC! What’s happening?! Where’s Madsy??! Why can’t they get any cell coverage (um, see above)?!?? What could they have been discussing the entire hike back to the hotel?!? How many people live on this island and how come we never see any of them outside of the Candlewick and Merlotte’s The Cannery????!?
Candlewick front desk. Henry and Abby grab phones and discover the landlines are dead. They need to find GLC, call the mainland for help, gather up everyone, and never have children.
Candlewick library lounge, a short time later. Henry, Trish, Abby, The Widow, Spiky, Dreads, SW2, TS, Preppy & Slutty ask each other important questions. What exactly does “If anyone leaves, she dies” mean? Is that referring to just the wedding group, or any person on the island? What about pelicans? Otters? Sea lions? Would Madison die quickly? Painlessly? Can you define pain? Is there ANY chance Madison won’t grow up to be miserable, anorexic and promiscuous? What are the Canadian statutes about euthanasia?
I know there’s a child’s life at stake, but I could really go for a Frosty.
OMG, like the ones on my shoulder?! Me, too! I wanna close my eyes and lick them NOW!
Goddammit! Where’d they go???!
Why would Madsy call Abby instead of a family member? Did she sound scared? Flat? Unconvincing? Who forced M to call? Since GG’s in jail, does that mean the real killer is still on the loose??! And who’s skull was in the incinerator? More importantly….
Spiky says BW and Ginger’s murders and now M’s kidnapping indicate this is all about the Wellingtons. Slutty says M’s abductor probably meant only Wellingtons have to stay on the island. Can’t the rest of them leave? Trish is appalled by this bridesmaid faux pas. Henry settles it by revealing they’re ALL screwed– his Uncle Harry, a non-Wellington, is dead, too. Spiky and Dreads are devastated. They tag-teamed a lot of bitches with Harry. Spiky wants to leave now– why is Madsy’s life more important than any of theirs? Trish slaps Spiky. Because we’re extremely rich and the bride’s always right, that’s why, buster!
Massacre Woods. Instead of calling a surviving deputy or Abby, GLC strains in agony to extract the spike from his leg. It comes out with a meaty wet squoosh. GLC slumps down to the ground, groaning. Footsteps come toward him. GLC sees muddy brogans approach, then stop at his head. Is it SLFB, GG, the killer? And couldn’t Purse-Dog have stuck around and entertained GLC with some circus tricks to keep his mind off the pain?
If your palms are bleeding, there’s a chance you might be over-masturbating.
Candlewick library lounge. Slutty makes a list of other close friends and family who’ve disappeared. Cousin Ben (lashed to yacht rudder, skull pureed); Soror-Whore 1 (burned alive in tiger pit); Reverend Deaf (trussed up and decapitated); FPA (luaued in furnace); and Hot Nerd (fatal thigh wound and un-Christian burial). Preppy snips that she’s not helping. How is this relevant, Spiky actually asks, so Slutty, suddenly sounding eerily like Ramona on Real Housewives of NYC can snip back that this happened once (John Wakefield’s killing spree) and is now happening again!
Trish tells Slutty to shut her cake-hole, then grabs TS and starts to march off. The rest of them eyeball daggers at Slutty, who’s about to go Maury Povich Teen on them when the lights cut out!
Yeah, well this wedding sucks even worse than Speidi’s and they had a cash bar!
Cut to dark Candlewick hallway. Bosomy Red jiggles down the corridor with Spiky, Dreads and Prep. She explains why the hotel is suddenly ready for a Canadian remake of The Shining – she sent the entire staff home. She didn’t anticipate any Harpies sticking around because check-out time is strictly enforced. Bosomy reluctantly leads the guys to a gun cabinet and starts arming them to the veneers.
At this point, one of the writers, probably boyishly handsome Karim Zreik, must’ve said “we don’t want to turn this show into a hi-def NRA commercial!”, so Preppy offers a disclaimer: “More people are accidentally killed by their own weapons than the criminals they’re trying to protect themselves from!” and “Terrified, unskilled people should not be handling weapons!” I normally prefer these PSA’s to come at the end of the show, preceded by “Hi, I’m Nancy McKeon.” That’s how I learned to defend myself from date-rape. But actually Preppy is absolutely right. Hi, I’m Leia LaBiblia. Guns suck and people who like to play with them are two pig ears short of a quinceanera buffet.
Henry and Abby show up and just as Spiky expects Henry to PMS like a bitch (I should know!) about the weaponry, H mans up and grabs a rifle. Insert favorite Die Hard line here. OK, I need to make sure the windows are locked.
Bosomy reports that “the fuses are fine”, meaning whoever cut the phone lines turned off the power. It could be the whole island, Spiky says, apparently some kind of civil engineer now. Henrietta continues her manly streak by telling Bosomy to get the rickety old hotel generator running. Dreads hears something. Someone’s lurking in the dark. The men raise their rifles (if I don’t know the difference between rifles and shotguns, please confine your scolding to four lines or less– gracias) and tell the lurker to show himself or die. It’s Fish Hunk! Don’t shoot!
Ya can’t spell “psychotic’ without H – O – T.
Although considering his conspicuous absence for almost the entire show tonight, there’s almost no chance our sexy scale-skinner isn’t involved in homicidal shenanigans, is there, Gasmii? Damn the lack of mental health care on this backward-ass island….!
Abby updates FH– Ginger’s dead and Madsy’s missing. Slutty says FH can take them to the boat in his truck. That’s why FH’s here. He didn’t see them on the boat, which left half an hour ago, with a full cargo of wedding extras. Doh!
Back from commercial. A short time later. It’s dark now. As TS implodes, Spiky says it doesn’t matter what they do now. Madison’s kidnapper has been disobeyed so the brat’s toast. SW2 and Spiky suggest FH take them all back to Seattle on his boat, they’ll pay cash. Henry is appalled at the notion– they still need to find Madison! FH says he tried GLC on the CB but couldn’t reach him. Abby suggests going to the sheriff’s station and using the battery-powered short-wave radio to contact her dad and the mainland. Fred Henry tells Velma Abby to go to the station with FH. He gives her a shotgun.
Butch’s cabin. GLC is on a ratty couch, lightly sweating, his wound tied off with a rag. Purse-Dog and SLFB, who has GLC’s gun, watch him. SLFB admits he set those traps so “the wrong person doesn’t surprise me”. SLFB says he’s been back on the island for a couple of weeks “hunting a maniac”. GLC says Goth Guy sent him to find SLFB, who’s responsible for riling GG up about Wakefield’s grave. SLFB had to make sure Wakefield was dead, since recent events have made him think otherwise. GLC says SLFB should’ve come to him, not Abby. Sorry, pops. Abby’s involved whether GLC likes it or not! He hands GLC a leather-bound journal. What’s the most precious thing GLC stands to lose?
You say “blood-soaked rags”, I say “chew toy”.
Candlewick grounds. Dreads & Henry tote rifles and a flashlight as they approach the old generator. Dreads thinks this is all karma for the Bro Posse taking the 250K from that speedboat. Henry scoffs, then prepares to fire up the generator. Wait, Dreads says. What if it’s booby-trapped like the chandelier that killed BW??! Henry scoffs again– that’s crazy. Henry’s stupidity is obviously increasing at the same rate as his masculinity. Henry flicks the switch and there’s a small, “startling” spark-pop. And nada. It won’t turn on. Dammit! The battery’s dead. But they can jump it with blessedly adjacent antique truck.
Sheriff’s station. Abby and FH enter and discover the short-wave radio has been violently sabotaged. (If I don’t know the difference between short-wave and CB radio, please confine your scolding to three lines or less!) They hear yelling from the jail area and find Townie locked in his holding cell. FH slips in the gore surrounding Dead Deputy and falls into the pool of blood. Yuck! Townie doesn’t know who shot the cop but fills FH and Abby in on Goth Guy’s escape. Abby demands to know where her dad is. Townie says if they let him out he will lead them to GLC.
Somewhere in Canada this guy’s family is sooo happy there’s no one around to move the body.
Candlewick grounds. Henry has the jumper cables in place. He tells Dreads to start the truck. It works! The hotel lights come on.
Candlewick kitchen. Henry and Dreads find Trish, TS and The Widow BW huddled together. Where’s everyone else? They all must’ve left! Unlike us, Henry’s apparently not curious about why these three are sequestered in here. Instead he says he’s going to find the mutineers. He puts Dreads in charge of the ladies and tells him to shoot anyone he doesn’t recognize. I’m surprised Henry doesn’t ask the gals to doff their shoes, whip up a pot roast, and submit to impregnation.
Butch’s cabin. GLC pores over the journal, which is Wakefield’s prison diary. It’d be very useful to anyone wanting to imitate the dangerously unhinged spree killer. SLFB tracked down the book a while back. GLC asks how he knows GG. They met in the hospital seven years ago while SLFB was recovering from the burns he got when Wakefield blew up the marina. SLFB still resents GLC never coming to visit him. That WAS kinda rude.
Yep, I always found scars on a man a damn sight sexy.
SLFB says GG has been helping him track the killer. GLC isn’t convinced SLFB ISN’T the killer, not because he has a melted face, because SLFB blames GLC as much as GG does. GLC put Wakefield away for 17 years, during which Wakefield plotted his revenge in journal form. SLFB says Abby’s return to Harper’s Island set this all off. GLC says he needs to get Abby off the island. He also needs Demerol. And he’s going to lose that leg if SLFB doesn’t go for help. SLFB packs up the journal and Purse-Dog and heads out.
What ever happened to SLFB’s slavering German Shepherd??! Remember the vicious mutt he sicced on Trish and BW during their hike? A guard dog would’ve definitely come in handy, Gasmii, since as soon as SLFB steps out of the cabin, he, we and Purse-Dog know something ain’t right.
No, please! I like my new master. His face tastes like grilled Spam.
Who’s lurking in the trees? Whoever it is fires an arrow, zinging SLFB in the chest! He drops his lantern, which ignites the cabin porch. As SLFB calls out a warning to GLC, another arrow flies through the window at the sheriff. He rolls off the couch, right onto his punctured thigh. Ouch! GLC crawls across the floor as another arrow pierces SLFB, finishing him off. The blaze spreads…
Back from commercial. GLC makes it to the table, drags himself up and grabs his gun. Someone’s coming. GLC aims at the door… It’s Abby and Fish Hunk! GLC groaningly orders Abby to get SLFB’s bag with the journal in it. She goes out and sees SLFB pinned to the cabin with arrows, the fire about to engulf him. The bag is on the porch at his feet. Abby seizes a pole and snags the bag. Inside, GLC moaningly commands FH to take him to the marina, not the clinic.
No, I don’t have any scars… Why?
Marina. Spiky, Slutty, Preppy and SW2 hurry down the wharf. They’re going to steal a boat. And here’s one with the keys in it. Sweet! They’re about to shove off when Preppy has an Ah-hah Moment. Ah-Hah Moment is a registered trademark of Harpo Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Preppy says he can’t do it! If they leave and something happens to poor little hellspawn Madison he’ll never forgive himself. And neither will Slutty, right? Actually, she seems pretty OK with it. And since Spiky is leaving with or without these douchebags, it’s sort of moot. But Preppy extends his hand and his Gold-Digger With Heart takes it. Now SW2 is conflicted. Spiky’s about to go it solo when they see a skinny figure darting around. Preppy says it’s GG. But he’s in jail! Instead of zooming away, Spiky, shotgun in hand, jumps out of the boat and says “Come on!”
WTF are ANY of them thinking??! Do we believe that Spiky can navigate a boat he’s never driven through pitch-black night to Seattle 37 miles away? Not so much, but they know there’s a dangerously unhinged, bloodthirsty, almost-superhuman killer (or killers) on the island, so it’s worth a shot. Maybe Preppy is one of the killers and he’s using the Madison-kidnapping excuse to try to keep the others there so he can murder them, too. Slutty might be bimbo-ozled by this ploy, but that doesn’t explain why Spiky would abandon his escape attempt to chase GG around the dock. And what about SW2? Why doesn’t she say ANYTHING? Could she at least have had some kind of horny crush on Spiky to rationalize her lack of personal direction? Por favor y ay caramba!
Um, I guess, I’m… like, chill… with whatever you guys wanna do…
FH, Abby and GLC pull up to the marina. GLC tells Abby and FH to take FH’s boat to the mainland. GLC can’t protect her if she stays. Claro que no, senor! Abby defiantly declares. This time she’s not leaving. Spiky appears at the truck window, yelling that GG got out of jail. FH tells Abby to stay in the truck with GLC, but Chick Power prevails and she grabs a rifle and follows similarly armed FH and Spiky. GLC stays behind. Did he happen to tell heavily armed Abby and FH that GG is probably innocent? Hmmm.
FH and Abby wave their guns and search for GG. They hear a noise on one of the boats. FH tells Abby to “stay here” and moves off to investigate. Abby ignores this ridiculous request and follows some mewling, gurgling sounds down the wharf. There’s something behind a trash barrel. It’s not the dailies. It’s a person who looks oddly bloated.
Mr. Wonka said not to chew that magic gum!
At first I thought someone shaved FPA’s face and dumped his body here, but this person is still alive. Barely. It’s GG. He looks like he just won a pie eating contest. But that’s blood, not cherries, bubbling out of his mouth. And it looks like there’s some meaty innards oozing from an abdominal wound…
Abby: GG, who did this?!
It’s you, Abby, he gurgles. It’s all about you…
Then he dies. Abby hears someone behind her and turns. We see blood-soaked hands. Tilt up to reveal Henry, more blood smeared on his face and undershirt. He looks…
Once again, it seems as if your recap artist called it– long ago I placed cuddly Henry on the short suspect list. But let’s not get crazy. Since we have five episodes left, I doubt this is a Big Shocking Reveal. Then again, maybe it IS the brothers. Considering the bloating, Goth Guy could easily be wearing an extra layer to fake his “mortal injuries”, and the way they’re avoiding mentioning exactly how their parents died could mean it’s going to be an integral piece of the whole tortured tapestry.
To stave off the disappointment that’s gonna be screaming “SUCKERS!!!” at us sometime in early July, stock up now on slasher flicks that deliver the goods. Last week I told you about Pieces, the unintentionally hilarious gross-out about a chainsaw-wielding maniac stalking New Wave co-eds. Now add Bay of Blood to the list, although I prefer the original US release title Twitch of the Death Nerve (who wouldn’t??). A diabolical mystery killer (or killers!) graphically knocks off everyone standing in the way of a hefty inheritance, all at a gorgeous lakeside villa. Sound familiar? It should. This Italian classic was the first “body-count” splatter movie and has been ripped-off endlessly since it came out in 1971, especially by the Friday the 13th series. In fact, two murders in F13 Part 2 (1981) are basically shot-for-shot copies of deaths in Bay of Blood. Let me know if you’d like to track it down on DVD.
Time to change into my new nightie… Buenas noches!