Gossip Slife here. Your one and only source for hilarious recaps of The CW’s trashy teen soap, Gossip Girl. Maybe I was going through withdrawls since there was no new episode last week, but last night’s episode did what no other episode has done this season – it improved upon the one before! I know, I know – we’re all rather divisive over the heavily-promoted return of Little J. Love her or hate her, but the bratty bitch brought the delicious dramz in spades!
The episode opens with Slutina seemingly back to her old ways – waking up in bed next to a hottie (in this case, it’s cab stealing cutie, Sam Page) and sneaking out for a lil Walk-o-Shame.
Surely they boned! She’s wearing his pj’s!
The episode immediately dips dangerously into high camp mode, with Blair featured in yet another classic movie homage – only I’ve never heard of this movie, and her short, brown wig looks like a total ass hat. What the F is Wait ‘Til Dark?! Ugh. Blair plays a blind woman jumped by a faceless assailant who springs on her like a ballerina. As she screams and struggles, she manages to pull out a lock of blonde hair (paging Dr. Freud!) and then wakes up from her nightmare.
Blair busts Slutina for her perfectly made bed, tousled hair, and yesterday’s outfit. She accuses Slutina of being, well, a slut. But Slutina swears that this hellcat has changed her stripes, and that they only “talked.” Yeah, right! Didn’t Lily teach her that it’s rude to talk with your moth full? Anyways, Blair does some self-help therapy on herself, and surmises that the attacker in her dream represents Upchuck. But why the long blonde hair? She then starts eyeing Goldilocks Slutina suspiciously.
Nate and Dan’s bromance seems to be going strong. They’re having their morning gab session via phone as Nate heads to the local prison to pop in and say hi to his old man. Nate says that Juliet’s poon was totally worth the wait, but his feeling were hurt when she bolted the next morning for class. Dan tells him to stop being such a whiney bitch and not to read too much into it. Nate has barely hung up and rounded the corner when he runs into – GASP! – Juliet, who’s also on her way into the prison!
Slutina’s walking into her psychology of business class (three words she can barely pronounce) when Sam Page pops up, and yup – you guessed it! He’s Colin Forrester, the Fortune 500 mogul who’s taken over the class. It takes a little longer for Slutina’s light bulb to flicker on, but when it finally dawns on her that she just spent the night in bed with her professor, the look on her face is priceless.
Two more ironic victims…
…of shlocky writing! (God bless it!)
Following a hunch, Blair just lets herself into Roofus and Lily’s swanky pad – only to discover that her worst nightmare (and probably yours, my little Gasmii) has come true – Jenny Humphrey is back! Yes, it’s Return of the J-Dye. And Little J is looking as shiteous as ever! Taylor Momson looks like the skeleton of a drowned rat. Blair bitches her out for disobeying orders and returning to Manhattan after she was banished last season. Turns out Little J is only back for one day – seems she’s landed an interview with Project Runway‘s Tim “make it work” Gunn at Parsons. When Jenny asks for clemency in exchange for leaving for the rest of the year, including Xmas, Blair is hard-pressed to refuse. “A Jenny-free holiday season? It’s been on my wish list for quite some time.” Ours, too, B! Blair grants her amnesty provided Little J only leave the apartment for her interview.
I guess Halloween came early this year.
Juliet quickly fibs to Nate that she’s at the prison cuz she volunteers in their literacy outreach program. Bwahaha! If I had a dime for every time I heard a rich girl claim they did charity…I’d be a rich girl, too! Of course Nate’s too stupid to see through this obvious charade.
Liar, liar, hotpants on fire!
Blair tries to convince Slutina to cool her jets with Colin since she’s already on thin ice with the dean. (You SO know something bad is going to happen later in the season, where the dean comes back and chastises Slutina and maybe even expels her!) Anyways, Slutina isn’t sure, cuz she rilly rilly rilly likes this guy!
“Hmm. I should be teaching Slutology 101.”
“I look like a friggin’ nun next this hooker.”
Blair spies Upchuck with some Doublemint twin co-eds and bitches and whines to him that Little J is back in Manhattan. To which Upchuck strokes his thick mustache and slyly purrs, “Exxxcellent!” Blair then sends her three little piggy minions to keep tabs on Little J’s every move.
What’s with the sweater sets, ladies? Too matchy matchy!
Roofus and Lily have whipped up an elaborate breakfast spread for Jenny’s return. I nearly died laughing though when Dan came sashaying out with a pitcher of cucumber-flavored ice water. I guess when Manessa’s away (THANK GAWD!) the mice will play… with Eric. LOL.
“Father, darling, your faboosh waffles are almost as fierce as my violet V-neck cashmere sweater.”
When Jenny passes up a dinner invite to Babbo (is she clinically insane?! that place is AMAZING!) Dan and Eric exchange a glance. I guess you could say they have a MOment. Jenny admits to them she’s at the mercy of The Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. She then name drops Tim Gunn again, in case you forgot he has a cameo coming up.
“Pucker up, big bro!”
Just then they hear the grating and toxic sound of Upchuck’s voice. Dan plays the role of protective older brother and eschews Chuck for being a dick. Upchuck sends his apologies to Jenny, then slinks out, but not before swiping Little J’s portfolio!! What a douche!!
Slutina half-heartedly tells Professor Wunderbite that they shouldn’t see each other, but you know she’s thinking that’s half the fun. (Just like Nate’s married politician cousin last season. Whore.) Wunderbite doesn’t fall for her lip service, and instead proposes that she drop his class so she can be his date to some event that night where he’s being given an award by The Observer for Most Eligible Bachelor. Slutina gets all tingly and moist at the idea, and agrees.
“I know someone who’s gonna get straight A’s this semester!”
Jenny has her dress samples messengered to Parsons, which seems kinda stupid to me. If it was my interview, I wouldn’t let those dresses out of my sight for a second. And is she too lazy and / or frail to carry anything herself? Then Upchuck calls to tell her he took her portfolio “by mistake.” Jenny freaks. Upchuck tells her that she can pick it up at the concierge of his hotel, which is of course a huge no-no. You know things are about to get ugly, and sure as sugar, there’s the minions tracking Little J’s every move and reporting back to Blair, who’s seething with rage.
Who is that grandma in the middle? The 42 year old trying to playing a college freshman. Woof! Paging Gabrielle Carteris!
Juliet calls her brother to apologize, then tells him that he’s wrong about Nate; his dad’s in the same prison and “he’s not like the others. He might understand!” Understand what exactly? Hmm. Inneresting. Ben pretends to be sympathetic, and lamely gives her his blessing to date the young Archibald. He then hangs up, coincidentally spies Nate’s dad in the chow line (looking like some old Nazi skin head) and decides to go buddy up to him. Ruh roh!
Slutina’s reading Colin’s book in the kitchen (did anyone else notice that the pages were blank?!?) when Lily comes home and gushes about how proud she is that Slutina is taking a challenging course for once instead of throwing herself at boys. LMAO.
Who knew she could even read?!
Little J is at her Parsons interview with Tim Gunn (fab, campy cameo, BTW). I’m shocked that Jenny doesn’t realize how much word diarrhea she keeps spewing though – about her spat with Eleanor, Agnes setting her dresses on fire, etc. This is an interview, dummy! It’s called BEST foot forward. Not best cloven hoof forward. Jenny gabs about young women having strength and confidence, blah blah blah, and her models come out, each sporting a red painted letter that spells out W-H-O-R-E! LOL. Jenny is shocked by the sabotage. Tim Gunn is appalled and has Jenny thrown out of the building on her ass.
Wow. Blair has hit an all-time new low!
Why so vexed, Little J?
Blair comes to gloat in Jenny’s face, and Dan has to break up the bitchfest, which Upchuck gleefully reads about on Gossip Girl. He then calls Little J with a proposed solution to the hot mess she now finds herself in: Tim Gunn will be at The Observer party and Upchuck can get the entire Humphrey clan in so Jenny can plead her case to Tim Gunn. Mind you, this is the same party Colin and Slutina are going to. HA! This is about to get GOOD!
At the party, Lily is kissing up to Ivanka Trump (whose dressed like some old flapper) and her boyfriend. Slutina isn’t too thrilled to see her mom there, and tries to tell her the truth about Colin, when Wunderbite himself sneaks up and plants a big, wet smooch on her face. Lily is offended – for so many reasons.
What’s with all the trashy party dresses in Slutina’s closet?! Did she raid the wardrobe closet from Dynasty?
Blair flips her shit when her minions report that Jenny is at the party for an eleventh hour appeal to Tim Gunn, and decides to make an appearance of her own.
Little J corners Tim Gunn and apologizes. Tim’s a big ole softie, and agrees to give her a second chance, especially since Chuck Bass called and was pushing for her. The light bulb FINALLY clicks on over Jenny’s head.
Make it work, take two.
Juliet comes over to Nate’s to come clean about her family, when Nate gets a call from the prison. Turns out someone jumped his dad in the library (what’s with all the books and reading in this episode?!) and he’s in the prison hospital, beaten to a pulp. Juliet then gets a mysterious text from Ben that reads: “Did you get my message?”
Yet another cameo – groan – this time it’s Isaac Mitzrahi, whose kissing Lily’s ass. Blair’s minions finally wriggle into the party, and give her some crap before asking what she did to piss off Blair so badly. Since no one knows, Little J decides to stoop to Blair’s level and tell the WHOLE world!
Meanwhile, Blair storms into the soiree, hellbent on destroying Jenny. She finds Upchuck and magically realizes he’s been the puppet master behind this whole mess. Blair tells him he’s gone too far this time, but Upchuck is convinced Jenny will keep her mouth shut. Oops! He spoke too soon. Everyone’s phone beep with the latest Gossip Girl blast about who Jenny gave her V-card to. The minions are shocked! Blair is mortified! Even Upchuck is at a loss for words. Now it’s Jenny’s turn to gloat. “Give it up, Blair. Everyone knows I did. And who I gave it to.” Bwahaha!
Turnabout is fair play, bitches!
Dan finds Jenny boozing up her victory, and tells her flat out that he’s appalled at what she’s become after only a day back in Manhattan, and that maybe she should go back to Hudson. Mee-ouch!
Slutina apologizes to Lily, who doesn’t seem too fazed. In fact, she tells Slutina that a dumb slut like her doesn’t even need school to attract powerful, wealthy men. Double mee-ouch! Just when I was proud of Lily for being a bitch, she confides to Roofus that she was just using a little reverse psychology on her daughter. Ugh.
Nate visits his pops in the infirmary, and they have a cheesy bonding moment. Zzz.
Colin accepts his award, and says he’d give it up for the right woman. Hint, hint, Serena. But instead, she slinks out of the party with her tail between her legs.
Jenny miraculously finds her lost morals, and gives Blair and Chuck a nice little kiss-off speech.
Slutina finds Colin (at a very very late office hour). They hash out their feelings, and for now, agree to just be teacher and student – by the book. Lol. Yeah, right. He’ll be teacher’s petting her ass again in no time.
Dan helps Little J into a cab and tells her that he’s proud of her. Wow. Try picking an emotion and sticking with it for more than a few minutes, Humphreys! Adios, Little J! And could you take Manessa with you?
Upchuck drops by Blair’s boudoir with his latest proposal: a truce. Blair agrees, and fights back botht the tears and the urge to jump his bones and pull him into bed with her. Mildly touching.
Juliet tearfully calls Nate, and he thinks she is trying to break up with him now because he has a jailbird father. “You’re not like any other guy!” she cries. “Well, you’re just like every other girl I know,” he spits back, and hangs up. Then, just as Juliet dries her eyes, COLIN WALKS IN! Whoa!! How do these two know each other?! “I assume you’re here for your check and not to raid my liquor cabinet?” he asks. WHOA!! These two are in cahoots together?! They toast to patience … and looking hot.
Cheers to a good twist ending!!
Holy shizballs! I did NOT see this one coming AT ALL! Did you?? I LOVE when the writers are finally able to pull a fast one on me. Tell me what you thought. Leave your comments and questions! You know you love me. -Gossip Slife