Hawaii Five-0: All’s well that ends…well…badly.

Howzit bruthaaaaahs! We have reached the apex of the vortex of Hawaii Five-0! The Season 1 Finale! Two things were sadly absent from this episode. The McRib, and Spike. Obv in that order. There was not, however, a shortage of action, nor intensity, nor suspense, nor mystery, nor drama, nor romance, nor scenery, nor awful acting by SpaceGrate. It’s just that it ALL happened sans McRib. Which is weird, because if I was writing the season finale for Hawaii Five-0, I’d find come up with an insanely clever story that involves all the shirts in Hawaii being burned in a fire. But alas, I do not write for this show. Which makes me sad. Kind of. I’m rambling.

Move along, nothing to see here…these are not the droids words you are looking for…

So now you guys already forgot you’ve read an entire paragraph about nothing. The writers should be using this whenever they need to cleanse the palate.

The episode kicks off with Danno laying in bed, presumably naked, watching Elvis sing some song in Hawaii. He comments on the fact that The King is wearing a white shirt, white pants, and a red lei…and that only two people on this EARF (yes, he said Earf, as in “Welcome to Earf” thankyouwillsmith) could pull of that look…Danno being the other.

Rachel sits down on the bed (oh, I see what they did there) and tells him that step-Stan is returning tomorrow night, and she has to tell him that she’s leaving him for Danno.

Jin is at HPD, and some random schmuck who must be the Chief of Police offers him an HPD badge again, and to promote him to Lieutenant, because “he would’ve been Lt by now had he not been…suspended.” Jin says thanks but no thanks, and my police force is better than yours.

As he’s leaving, he sees one of the older HPD guys…you all know the one, he’s been around a few times…coming in with a ziploc bag full of scorched money. Apparently some rancher found it…and called the police. So they’re going to run the serial numbers…

This subplot JUST WON’T DIE!!!!!

I can’t really think of a good reason that they’re bringing this up…It also strikes me as really weird that McG and Boomer just left that pack of money there on the fire when they collared Spike. You’d think they’d have…idunno…grabbed it and either tried to salvage some of it, or at least finished the job so that it couldn’t come back to bite them in the ass. Just sayin’.

Jin tells McG, who says he saw it burn, but whatever, even still, the money can’t be traced back to them…and remember, that $10M was replaced…Just then the gov’nah and Kelly Hu (WHO?!? HUUUUU!!!) come down the stairs and exchange pleasantries. McG asks Jin when he’s going to ask her out, and he’s like “who?” and McG is like EXACTLY! (Sorry, I just won’t let that die – gasp! foreshadowing!! What? Nothing…) So McG tells him that every time they see each other “she’s just sexting [him] with her eyes.”

…McG, the worst in all this is that to me, “sexting” always sounded like a word the adults came up with to put what they thought would be a hip-sounding word to what their kids were doing, and STILL you’re using it wrong…

Jin laughs at him, and they wander off to H50 HQ. Special K tells McG that he got another package, same as the rest. Apparently they’ve been arriving only on Wednesdays, and every Wednesday at that. He opens the package, and it’s the brass key! He could never figure out what the key was fitted for. Special K tells him that the key belongs to an 1800s-era piece of antique furniture. He announces that his dad hated antique shit, and never had anything that it would’ve fit, so it must belong to whoever he was investigating. That’s a strong conclusion to jump to.

Outside, Hu is telling the gov’nah all the great things that H50 task force has been able to accomplish…violent crime apparently has gone way down, despite the fact that all we ever SEE is violent crime. But, then again, I guess the thought of having to run from McG scares off the borderline violent-criminals.

The gov’nah then tells her she’d better hurry up and call Jin and ask him out. Seriously, is this high school? Hu hops in her fancy car and … let’s be real … how many of you felt this coming? I sure didn’t…but anyways…

Now THAT’s what I call Hot Wheels.

I was actually really upset by this. I think I yelled at my TV…pretty sure it sounded something like this. Anyways, the blast blows the windows in at H50 HQ, and Jin and McG run outside to see the aftermath of the boom. Doing some preliminary investigation, Special K is able to determine that the blast came from the steering column, and was triggered by the ignition. McG recognizes the shrapnel as being from a Claymore mine, and Special K recognizes the bomb as being Wo Fat’s preferred method of execution.

Of course, what they’re having trouble understanding is why Wo Fat would use this on Kelly Hu…I can’t figure it out either. I can understand kidnapping her and forcing her to wear a brass bikini and hauling her around by a chain on her neck or something…but I digress…

Anyways, Jin and Boomer head to her office to look around for clues, and McG and Danno head to her house. Whose house? EXACTLY.

Boomer and McG arrive at the house, and the front door has been kicked in. Clearly this wasn’t a robbery, as the TV and computer and stuff are still around. The place is ransacked, but McG sees a desk drawer on the ground, and…

NUOOOOH MY GAAAAAAHHHHHH——SHE MUST BE THE ONLY ONE ON THE ISLAND WITH ACCESS TO BOTH BLACK FELT PENS AND YELLOW ENVELOPES!!!!

I mean, seriously, he’s like “these are the exact same envelopes I’ve been getting.” Dude, they’re like $.88 a bundle at Wal-Mart. Danno kind of reacts the same way.

Ok, to his credit, McG at least does his detective work and grabs her date book as a writing sample. But yeah, he does immediately jump to the conclusion that the answer to “Who’s been sending me the evidence back” is “EXACTLY!!!!”

The writing sample checks out. Also…

Wuh-oh. The squint’s back! This does not bode well for Boomer/Danno

No, I’m not calling him a squint because he’s Asian…that’d be racist, and you’re all racists for thinking I’m racist. No…a squint. Like from Bones…a science guy.

Anyways, this guy tells them that yes, McG’s initially jumped-to conclusion was correct. It was Kelly Hu sending the care packages.

Just then, Special K calls to tell McG that he was right, the claymore mine was stolen from the military, four years ago from a shipment to Iraq. The military suspected some dude named Dale O’Reilly. McG tracks him down to what looks like some kind of military consignment store. McG greets him, but he acts like he’s not Dale, then McG’s like “fraid so,” and he’s like “haha yeah j/k guys, never know who’s gonna come lookin’ for ya,” and McG’s all “yeah like some guy who wants to buy a claymore…?”

O’REALLY???

Yeah, really. So he runs. From McG. But not very far, as you’d expect. Instead, he literally brings a knife to a gunfight. Well, a very large knife, but, ya know. McG does not like this. He threatens to shoot him in the face. ORLY puts the knife down. Well, once Danno sprays him in the face with mace. Which is necessary, because, seriously, what the fuck is some kid with a machete going to do against McG with a pair of working fists. Especially if one of those fists is holding a gun. McG asks him who he sold the claymore to, and he tells them the guy’s name was McGarrett!! Oh, this is getting fun…

They get him back to H50 FQ, and Danno isn’t having any luck getting ORLY to talk. Then McG comes in, with a chair and a laptop, and funny enough, ORLY’s brother, who’s in the military, is on the other line. He grants them a very short conversation, and then explains that his brother and his whole family’s lives will be ruined if he doesn’t talk, because he’ll be branded as a traitor and a terrorist.

Special K tells them they’re definitely well on their way to building a case against Wo Fat, and just then Jin comes up and tells them that HPD just finished processing Hu’s house, and McG’s prints were everywhere. He’s being set up!!! By whom?!?

McG and Danno head into the gov’nah’s office, and she’s on the phone with Hu’s parents, telling them the news. Once she hangs up, they tell her that they know who killed Hu. Because it was Wo Fat. They tell her all about the prisoner, and that he’s being transported. Danno asks her a couple questions about Hu, and McG notices something in the corner.

Get out the mat, because McG’s about to jump to another conclusion!!!

McG grabs Danno and is like, yeah, it’s time to go, and Danno’s like “wait, what?” but follows McG out the door. McG lags when the door closes and watches the guy put the security alarm back on, so now he knows the code. He tells Danno about the furniture, and how it looks like it may just be a match to that key!!!

Back at H50 HQ, McG has gone from thinking there’s a chance it’s a match to being certain it’s a match, and his whole team tries to talk him out of breaking into the gov’nah’s, but he won’t budge. Just then, his phone rings, and he learns that the transport taking ORLY to prison got hit. They arrive on the scene to find 2 dead cops and a dead ORLY.

McG starts wigging out, and Danno points out that no one knew that this guy was a witness against Wo Fat except Five-0. McG then points out that the gov’nah knew too! He’s now CERTAIN she’s behind all of this. Just one question…why doesn’t it cross his mind that perhaps Special K was the leak? I mean, I don’t want her to be, but geez.

Just then, Rachel calls, and she’s upset about something, and asks him to meet her on sand island in an hour. To me, this sounds like a setup. But Rachel is sweet and has a British accent, so we know she could never do something like that. Danno hangs up and tells McG to get some rest and they’ll pick up the trail tomorrow. McG decides to go to the gov’nah’s instead, and try out that key…

This is bringing back bad memories of watching The Miracle of Life in 9th grade biology…

I’m not sure what the point of that shot was. Basically, though, the key works. The music that’s taking place is really reminds me of LOST right now. I swear they ripped it straight from LOST, but maybe they tweaked it just enough to not have to pay royalties…

Anyways, McG opens the drawer, and inside are pictures of Kelly Hu being naughty! Like really naughty!!!

….you filthy slut…

Ok, that was probably way funnier in my mind. I think this is what happens when I try to write recaps completely sober. Bad news. Anyways, McG realizes this means that Hu was killed for helping him.

Danno meets Rachel on sand island, and she’s having trouble telling him. Finally she blurts out that she’s preggers! And of course Danno’s like “it’s mine, right?” Thankfully it is, but she feels bad that she got knocked up while she was cheating on step-Stan. She tells him she wants to GTFO Hawaii ASAP after she tells step-Stan she’s leaving. She’s planning on leaving tomorrow night. Danno says he’ll come too, and she balks, but Danno says he’ll go with them and get settled, and then head back to Hawaii to wrap everything up, then move up there for good. Clearly, this won’t actually be happening. I worry that Rachel & Grace will be victims of something tragic.

Danno heads over to McG’s, and walks in the front door and immediately is ambushed by McG! Danno freaks, McG lets him go, and suddenly Danno realizes that McG is dressed “like a ninja.” The wheels start really turning. Danno realizes that McG broke into the gov’nah’s house. McG tells him the glove fits, so they mustn’t acquit, and then shows him the pictures of Hu, and then shows him her planner, and explains that Hu kept her Tuesday lunch time open every week, because the gov’nah had a lunch every Tuesday, and this was when she was stealing the evidence, and slipping it to McG!

Back at H50, they bring the rest of the gang up to speed. Boomer gets gung-ho about arresting the gov’nah, but Danno reminds them that McG didn’t exactly go through the proper channels to obtain the evidence. They needs something more. Just then, Jin’s phone rings…

Uh-oh… “Wanted for Murder?” That almost certainly isn’t good…

The cop tells Jin about McG being fucked, and Jin tells McG that he’s wanted for murder. He’s like “for murdering who?” and Jin’s like “EXACTLY!!!” and McG’s like “Oh shit.” He tells Boomer to wipe the drives, and Danno tells him to lay low. McG sees there are like 9 million squad cars arriving, and tells the gang to clean house and runs. In the hallway, one of the cops sees him and pulls a gun and tells McG to drop his and get on his knees. McG does as he’s told.

This guy is thinking two simultaneous thoughts. “What’s that smell?” and “Oh fuck, I crapped my pants.”

Seriously, what would the cop who was trying to bring McG in solo be thinking? Anyways, instead of just holding him at gunpoint til his freinds arrive, and tries to cuff McG, and therein lies his near-fatal mistake. McG McGarrett’s the fuck out of him (seriously, he beats up up and then chokes him with his OWN ARM), and flees the building to the roof, and gets away!!

So, remember that classic car that McG fixed up? The one that the old asian guy at the scrap yard gave him the master cylinder for? Well, McG is now driving that. He pulls up to Goomba’s and asks for guns. Goomba says he’s a parolee, and thus doesn’t have guns, but McG asks again, more nicely, and…

McG had to change his pants after seeing this.

McG takes a large arsenal.

Back at H50 HQ, the gang congregates in an office. Danno tells them that it’s their job to prove McG’s innocence. Jin says he’s not going to stand around and just do nothing, and walks out. Boomer tries to chase after him, and just then a guy from IA comes in. He tells her that they ran the serial numbers on those bills and traced them back to the asset forfeiture locker, and that they have a witness that puts her at the scene of the break-in there. Danno tells her to keep her mouth shut, and he’ll take care of it.

Danno tells Special K to keep an eye on the guys searching the H50 HQ, and he’s off to try to find McG. Just then, his phone rings, and it’s Goomba, and he tells Danno that McG is a one-man-army. Rachel calls him while he’s driving and tells him she and SpaceGrate are at the airport. Danno kinda forgot about the whole moving to NJ thing…he’s got a lot on his mind. He promises her he’ll meet them at the gate.

McG is at the gov’nah’s, and has returned to his ninja-esque attire. He very methodically takes out 3 guards, but the fourth gives him a little trouble. Only a little. He enters the gov’nah’s house, and heads up to the gov’nah’s office. She’s sitting at the desk, and greets him by saying she was hoping they were wrong about him, but what she really means is…

I’m fucked, aren’t I?

She’s like “you killed HU!” and he’s like “NO U!!”  and she’s like “I killed WHO?” and he’s like “EXACTLY!!!”

McG pulls out his phone, and turns on the recorder. He tells her to confess. She won’t, and asks why he doesn’t just pull the trigger. He says he wants the truth. He wants to know if it was Wo Fat or her that gave the order to kill his parents. She tells him that he’s captured the guy who killed his dad, and took down the people that killed his mom, and it was all because she created this special task force for him.

Just then, Wo Fat comes in and tazes (tazers?) the fuck out of McG! He goes down in a heap. The gov’nah grabs the phone and deletes the recording, then asks Wo Fat what they’re going to do. He calmly tells her that everything is under control,

and then double-taps that ass!

The gov’nah is dead, and Wo Fat puts the gun in McG’s hand and exits stage left.

The cops show up, and Jin starts bossing people around. The guy calls him Lieutenant…wait, wtf! Did Jin just jump ship? There’s no way…

He and his team run into the study, and they see the gov’nah’s dead, and Jin tells McG to put the gun down. Nevermind that McG was just recovering from being tazed, and didn’t even realize he was holding a gun. He tells McG that he was the only one in the house (aka Wo Fat got away), and arrests him! No one notices the tazer burn on his neck? Just wondering…

Danno pulls up and can’t believe wtf is going on. Jin explains the situation…basically that McG’s gun killed the gov’nah, and McG was the only one there, and was definitely holding his own gun. He then tells Danno that there is no more Five-0 anymore! Danno calls Jin out on running back to HPD with his tail tucked, and promises McG that he’ll take care of him.

Unfortunately, Danno forgot about something…that’s right…his flight to Jersey.

He may never get to see that boring-ass kid turn into a boring-ass woman.

Rachel and Grace board the plane. I bet it fucking crashes and we find that out on the premier next fall.

At HPD, a bunch of mid-to-late twenty-year-old women stand in a lineup. The old lady that saw Boomer during the break-in is there, and points her out. Boomer is definitely not pleased.

“Oh, nothing…just…ya know…water stuff…” Yeah, Boomer, you deserved to get caught.

She walks out, and she and McG see each other, and exchange looks. The looks say “what the hell is going on?!?” And then, of course, the episode is topped off with the three worst possible words to end anything ever.

Seriously, guys. Fuck you.

Well, we’ve made it through the first season. Definitely some ups and downs. I wish there’d been more Wo Fat, though at least we know he’ll be back next year. I hope Spike returns, as well…he’s been solid. Who’s going to replace Kelly Hu? I hope that answer is “EXACTLY,” as well. I honestly wouldn’t mind if they pulled a scrubs and replaced a tragically deceased character with the same actress playing her “twin sister.” Except that I’d be heartbroken that all the Hu-twin possibilities would never be explored.

I hope you guys enjoyed it, even if you felt, as I did, that they tried a little too hard on this finale. I hate hate hate hate seasons ending like this, and was pretty upset by it until I saw Castle’s finale (immediately following watching this one), at which point I actually yelled at my TV again. Loudly. At about midnight. Sorry, neighbots.

Thanks for stickin’ with me for this first season. I won’t lie, I barely made it…recapping two shows was a bit much for me…I’m no pro like some of the people around here. I’ll be back next season, though, for Hawaii Five-0, and now that The Ev3nt is definitely not returning, I should be able to enjoy these a little more.

Also, a shameless plug…I hope some of you find your way over to my summer project…I’ll be recapping MasterChef, again, and boy-howdy am I excited!!

Until then, Aloha…and Mahalo.