Hawaii Five-0: Diamonds Are Forever

So, the crime of the week is….murder!!! And theft!! And a missing persons case for Alex O’Loughlin’s abs!!!

The episode starts off with a couple of guards cruising around in an armored car. Apparently it’s one of their first days, so clearly something bad is going to happen. The rookie keeps asking questions about some white van following them, etc., and the vet tells him that he’ll learn the route and its oddities in time, and eventually they arrive at their destination. They scope the area out, and the coast looks clear, so the rook goes inside to get the bags of cash money.

He comes back out with 4 huge bags of dough, and a third guard opens the back of the armored van from the inside. They’re in the process of loading up the truck when some guys repel down the wall of a building and shoot two of the guards, leaving only the rookie! He tries to fight his way out of it, but realizes it’s a losing battle and begs for his life, because his wife is preggers!! They shoot him anyways, dump the bodies on the sidewalk, and steal the van!!! Egads!!!

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you repelling down the side of a parking garage over the sound of how awesome I am…

INTRO!!!

So, after the intro, McG is apparently doing some home renovations. The big shave ice goomba is sitting around watching him, trying to goad him into hiring his brothers to do the job. McG doesn’t want to, because doing it himself will save him money. Danno comes barging in asking why McG hasn’t been answering his phone, and he says he hasn’t answered it because he never heard it ring. McG and Danno are both all like “wth?” and then Goomba reaches under his ass and pulls out the phone. McG tells him to keep it, and he and Danno leave.

…but not before taking us to the the gun show!

So, of course, first stop is the crime scene. Jin briefs McG and Danno on the scene, and  tells us that our soon-to-be daddy victim didn’t actually die, but was just seriously injured and is barely hanging on at the hospital.

Boomer walks up and tells our boys that each bag of cash was tagged with GPS tracking, so they may just be able to find these guys sooner than expected. You and I know that’s not gonna happen, because we have approximately 36 minutes of TV left, not counting commercials…

So they arrive at the location indicated by the trackers, and walk to the end of a dock and realize that the armored car is at the bottom of the lake. Boomer gets volunteered to go for a swim, since she’s a rookie, and McG can’t waste an opportunity to take his shirt off and get all wet, so he volunteers to go as well…

“Being sexy is more of a hobby than a job for me…”

So Boomer, who for some reason feels compelled to wear some kinda wetsuit vest for a top and thus deprive me of what little eye candy I get out of this show, and McG dive into the lake, and come back up with bags of money. Looks like our crooks were after something other than cash.

It turns out that either this lake was an ocean, or Hawaii has special octopi that reside in fresh water.

It appears McG may be into tentacle porn.

They check out the van, and only find two things. The mask that our mostly dead victim tore off one of the gunmen, and the black box, which apparently records about 24 hours worth of video, but which has apparently been shot up in an attempt to erase it. Perfect.

Danno and McG show up at the hospital, and meet our victim’s wife. She gives the usual teary recap of their relationship that are so common in shows like this, and Danno gives her his card and asks her to call when her husband wakes up.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer tells our guys that she’s check out video from the surveillance cameras at the crime scene, and to make things more confusing, there was a group of painters dressed exactly like our suspects sitting not 20 feet away from the heist! She runs the video through some face recognition database and one of the guys has some priors, so McG goes to ask him a few questions…

…gently.

Turns out the guy missed a meeting with his parole officer because he was at the crime scene dressed as a painter. He says that he answered an ad on Gavin’s List. Seriously? Gavin’s List? That’s the worst real-life-to-tv-name-change in history. I’m just going to call it Craigslist from now on, because otherwise I may start raging. Anyways, the job was supposed to pay $30 an hour, so this dude showed up, only no one came around to give them work, and then people started shooting and he made like a banana and split.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer tells the crew that apparently the guns match a previous heist…during the Waikiki Triathlon a year prior. Also, there have been similar high end heists in a few other major cities, all during triathlons. Weird. To make matters worse, there’s a triathlon tomorrow!!! They only have 18 hours to solve the murder!

So the wife of the mostly dead guy calls Danno and tells her that Jordan, her husband, is awake and can talk. Danno and McG head to the hospital, and are immediately ambushed by the press when they pull up. Danno tells the press that they’re idiots because if the bad guys find out that Jordan is alive, they’re going to try to remedy that. The reporter tells them that his condition was reported on the news a couple of hours ago, and they exchange worried glances and take off

When they walk in the hospital, Jordan is having some kind of reaction and things don’t look so good. Danno and McG see a suspicious doctor walking away and chase him down a hallway, but he gets on an elevator. McG races up the stairs to try to catch him coming off the elevator, but when the doors open…

…apparently there is a naked doctor walking around the hospital.

McG looks in and sees that the guy climbed out the top of the elevator, and is impressed by how fast the guy could climb.

Boomer calls and tells them a chiropractor’s office was the source of the Gavin’s List ad. Ok, I lied and said I was gonna call it Craigslist, but Gavin’s List really just sounds funnier. Consider it my Craigslist nickname. I mean, Gavin sounds like a rock star, while Craig sounds like the kinda guy who would post ads for worthless junk online. C’mon, writers…this is what happens when you mess with what’s working.

Anyhow, McG and Danno bust into the chiropractor’s office and find it totally empty, but McG notices some blood on the minifridge, and opens the door…

Guess he found Angel’s secret stash, huh?

Danno finds some empty blood bags in the trash, and then Boomer comes in and tells them that the chiropractor has been out of the office for the last 3 weeks, and it looks like some squatters are using it for blood doping. Somehow both Danno and Boomer have no idea what blood doping is, or why anyone would do it. Boomer refers to it as an all-natural steroid, but that’s just incorrect. PED, yes, but only in the sense that it drastically boosts your red blood cell count, which then allows your blood to carry more oxygen to your muscles. It’s like if you’ve ever given blood and tried to go jogging later that day, except the exact opposite. Anyways, the important thing to note is that it’s something triathletes would probably benefit from, regardless of the fact that it’s against the rules.

McG takes a few baggies out of the trash, then grabs the dust bag from the vacuum cleaner and a feather from the feather duster, telling Boomer there’s not enough time for her to go to her car to get a proper print kit. It’s cute…he just likes to show off his MacGyver skills. Anyways, because he’s McG and it’d be a mega letdown if his sciency tricks didn’t work, a print appears!! He takes a pic with his iPhone 4…thank goodness for the high quality camera…and sends it to Jin, who runs it.

While they’re waiting on a hit on the print, he asks about the SD card in the black box. Jin tells him that the card was completely empty, and that they must have stuck it in there to throw our boys off track, because ultimately what the thieves wanted was the video from the card, because it’d give them multiple looks at whatever high-money places the truck was going. McG finally puts together that the truck heist was actually just recon for the big hit, which, if you’ve forgotten, is still tomorrow.

Just then, Jin gets a hit on the fingerprint. The computers are really timed to work perfectly within their dialogue, so as not to interrupt the flow of conversation or McG’s delicate thought process.

So Danno and McG head out to find the owner of the fingerprint, and decide that he’s in the perfect position for some…*puts on sunglasses*…

…heavy interrogation.

So it’s time for Danno and McG’s weekly car dialogue, wherein Danno convinces McG that they can’t bust in and arrest the chick that our weightlifting buddy fingered. Wait….wait….let me reword that. They can’t just bust in and arrest the chick that our weightlifting buddy pointed them towards as one of the recipients of the blood doping. They head out to the address that Sabrina the Teenaged Triathlete is registered to. The plan is to do some surveillance, but unfortunately the house has a very formidable gate.

So, they can’t see anything from the street, but lucky for them, Danno just happens to have slept with the next-door neighbor. Probably more than once, even, since generally it’s only drunk, unlucky college kids who knock up a girl on their first go. Anyways, yep, you guessed it. Danno’s ex-wife! And she’s BRITISH!!! Which is just weird to me for no reason in particular.

She reluctantly agrees to help out and lend the boys her house while they surveil. On a side note, since that’s all I’m good for…I hate the word “surveil.” Most people hate words like “moist,” but not me. I hate words like “surveil” and “resiliency.” I don’t even have a good reason why. Well, with “resiliency” it’s because it means the same fucking thing as “resilience,” but “surveil” just sounds made up. Blurgh.

Danno and McG set up upstairs, and Rachel, the ex, comes in and offers them tea, because she’s British so she couldn’t offer them coffee obviously. Limey bitch. Whoa! Where’d that come from? She and Danno don’t really get along so well. Stunning, I know. McG asks how they met, and it turns out that our crazy Brit was struggling with the driving on the right side of the road thing and got flustered and rear-ended his cop car, so he offered her driving lessons instead of a ticket. By the way, “driving lessons” means sex.

All the while, McG is using this massive telescope rig to take pictures of the people next door, who, regardless of the fact that they’re partaking in a triathlon tomorrow, are working out!! To me, this seems foolish, since you should probably be stretching and resting, but then again, what do I know? I risk tweaking my hammy every time I get up to grab another beer…or leg of lamb. Also, this telescope rig McG’s using is a total waste…

See? They’re next door, and they look the same through the fucking telescope as they would with the naked eye.

I mean, this would make the worst creeper peeper apparatus ever, and I would know! Wait…

Oh, good…someone found the zoom button. Now you won’t have to deal with that whole scrambled-porn sense of “Is that a boob? It looks like a boob! I’m goin’ with it…” thing.

So, the sun goes down, and our athletes are still going strong. Mindblowing. They only have a triathlon tomorrow. For. Fuck’s. Sake.

McG comes back in with a cup of tea…because nothing says “manly” quite like a good cup of Earl Grey in a delicate teacup with flowers painted on the side.

He is one extended pinky away from being relieved of his man-card.

The triathletes finally quit working out, and then decide to get in their car and go for a drive. Jin and Boomer follow them…

While they’re away, Danno sneaks into the house to get a closer look. He finds a map conveniently laid out on the table, and sends a picture of it to McG. He also notices the timing bracelets and race numbers sitting out, and takes a picture of those, with the hope that they’ll be able to track the triathletes during the race.

Jin and Boomer realize they’ve been driving around in circles, but after some deduction realize that maybe the baddies aren’t casing their target, but rather mapping an escape route. No solid evidence that they’re right or wrong is given.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Rachel walks in while McG is pointing some kind of infrared camera at the other house, keeping track of Danno. When he tells her that it’s Danno in the house, she gets all nervous. He tries to calm her down by telling her Danno is a good cop, but in doing so stops pointing the infrared camera at the house. Brilliant.

While he’s soothing Rachel, McG notices out of the corner of his eye that two other people are coming up to the house on bikes, and tells Danno to GTFO. Danno is given the choice of the back door or the ever-so-slightly closer closet, and being an awesome cop and all, he chooses the closet.

It doesn’t take a detective to see that this is a bad hiding place…

So McG asks Rachel if she has anything flammable because he needs to create a diversion. Since he’s being so subtle and all, it makes me wonder why he doesn’t just run out into the street naked and fire his gun into the air…that’d be a pretty solid diversion.

The other baddies enter the house and notice that a drawer is left wide open…which of course is because Danno opened it to steal a thumb drive. One of the baddies asks the other to grab some more protein bars from the closet (I really think our writers are wingin’ it when it comes to what people do the day/night before a triathlon), but JUST before he opens the door, there’s a loud crashing noise from outside!!!

The crashing noise, as it so happens, was the diversion. Rachel crashed her lovely Mercedes Benz into the neighbor’s gate, and she did it for Danno!!! Deep down she really still cares about him!!! AWWWW!!!!!! Ugh. He climbs back into her yard through some privacy hedges. She hands him a pen wrapped in a sheet of paper, and tells him he can maybe get some prints from the pen.

Clever Girl….

Ok, ok…I know I’ve used that before…but not on this show, so cut me a break!!!

Rachel, in describing what she did to create a diversion for Danno, alludes to having done this once before, like maybe she ran into his cop car on purpose! Gasp! Swoon! McG does what he does so well and saves the day by breaking up this gag-inducing little side-story that I fear will become an integral part of our previously mindless and emotionless show by telling him that the contestants are leaving for the race. Danno begs Rachel for a laptop to use to find out what’s on the thumb drive. Apparently, regardless of the fact that there are flippers and snorkels in the back of McG’s cop car, no one on the team carries around a fucking computer…

So the race begins, and all four suspects are there and participating. At the van, Danno is feverishly trying to read the contents of the thumb drive on Grace’s computer…

And we have a new “most emasculated male” of the episode.

So the GPS tracker bracelets let our boys know that the bikers are out of the water and about to hop on the bikes. McG and Jin rush over to the bikers and stop 4 people based on their tracker signals or some such nonsense, but it’s the wrong people!!! WTF!!! McG notices that there are trackers stuffed in the reverse fanny-pack things that the contestants are wearing. Welp, that explains that. The baddies are off to rob someone!

Just as McG and Jin get back to the van, Danno has conveniently finally opened the file on the thumb drive. Thanks to that, they know the target, and everyone moves out!!

The baddies are at the vault. They do some crazy athletic stuff to disable security, because they’re triathletes and all, and they want to prove that they’re triathletes-slash-thieves, and not the other way around. They set explosives on the vault door, and…

Boom.

But I have a huge problem with this boom. First problem…the explosives were placed on the outside of the door, since if they could get inside the vault they wouldn’t be placing explosives. Second, and explosion of the magnitude to send a huge ass vault door flying like a plank of balsa in a hurricane would probably completely fuck anyone who just so happens to be in the same room as the boom. If nothing else they’d probably be bleeding from their ears. Instead, everyone is A-OK, and they run in to steal the diamonds.

McG sends Boomer to the roof next door, and almost immediately the baddies run out of the building and hop on their bikes and split up. Conveniently, one thief per Five-0, so our heroes split up as well. What happens next I can only describe as a montage of awesome. Too awesome for words, in fact.

Danno ices the first chick with a cooler…

Boomer does it old school and just pulls a gun…

Jin’s takedown is probably my favorite…wait for it….wait for it…

You just got hosed, brah…

And McG comes up with his most spectacular flying takedown to date…

…which, of course, is followed by another fist fight, but this time the other guy brought a gun!! Which, of course, is no match for McG.

So, all four baddies are arrested. Back at the hospital, Jordan, the rookie armored car guy from the beginning (remember him?) is waking up. They tell him that once he’s feeling a bit better, they’ll need him to ID the gunman. Yadda Yadda.

Danno is back at Rachel’s house, thanking Grace for the Hello Kitty laptop that saved the day. Grace is a terrible actress. I know she’s only like 8, but shit. I mean, this is a show that isn’t going to win any acting Emmies, and she stands out as the worst. Ugh. Anyways, she leaves the room, and Danno says goodbye to Rachel, and they have a little moment. He watches the house shrink in the mirror, and she watches them drive away. GAG. ME. WITH. A. SPOON.

Srsly.

The end.