Hawaii Five-0: Don’t Cry Over Spoiled Milk

This week’s episode of Hawaii Five-0 doesn’t waste any time getting started…in fact, I guess you could say…

It starts with a bang.

Ok, let me back up. The episode starts off with Five-0 and what must be about half of HPD surrounding a house somewhere in Hawaii. McG gives everyone a very inspired pep-talk about how Wo Fat is in the house, and not “in the house” like black people started saying in the 80’s, and white people started saying in the 90’s, and fake-Italian shitty pizza-makers started saying about 5 years ago, but actually in the house that they’re surrounding. McG tells them that Wo Fat is one bad mutha (shut yo’ mouf!), so pay attention in there.

Bianca from 10 Things straps on her vest, and McG is like “uh, no,” and handcuffs her to a squad car. She’s mad, but McG reminds her that she’s a desk jockey so sit tight. The huge group surround the front door, and one of the assault team members grabs a ram and busts the door open, but it turns out it’s rigged with explosives, and, well…you saw the picture above. Big Bada Boom.

McG is like “fuck this noise,” and runs in without backup, telling everyone else to form a perimeter. Shouldn’t that have been done BEFORE storming the castle, McG?

Bianca hears the explosion and grabs a beat stick (what, that’s the real term…) right out of the police car, and breaks the door handle off.

McG gets upstairs to where Wo Fat should be waiting, and…

Wait, wait…I know you guys all look alike, but…you’re not Wo Fat, are you?

We haven’t seen this guy in a while, and I can’t remember if I even have a name for him. Or if he even has a name…Oh, he does…it’s Sang Min. Anyways, he sees it’s McG and does what any sensible person would do…he flees. He hides in some bushes, then looks both ways before he crosses the street just like his momma taught him, but then manages to run out right in front of Special K (why did I call her Bianca earlier? I must’ve forgotten her name) who’s driving the police cruiser that she was chained to earlier…and gets hit…but then hops up and runs off, but now Danno is in hot pursuit. He follows Sang Min into another house.

When he runs into the house, however, he doesn’t see Sang Min…he just sees an old dead guy, and he runs up and checks the guy’s pulse to confirm. Sang min drives a Cadillac through the garage door and almost runs over McG, but McG’s all like

I think you’ve forgotten…what, with all the episodes you’ve missed…I am Superman.

McG dives out of the way, empties a clip into the back of the car, and somehow manages to memorize the license plate in the process. He tells Boomer to get it out to every law enforcement group on The Island. Special K comes up, and McG asks her what happened to the car that was attached to her. He then goes on to theorize that Sang Min was taking a shot at Wo Fat because he knows Wo Fat doesn’t like loose ends, and Sang Min is definitely a loose end.

Just then Danno comes out of the house, and he’s not doing so well. He’s wheezing and collapses and says he can’t breathe. Special K runs into the house, and stops McG from getting too close to the dead body, pointing out that it could be biological.

INTRO!!!!

At the hospital, Danno is doing a great job of dying. The doc tells McG they’d better figure out what substance Danno was exposed to. Special K hops in one of those funny hazmat spacesuits and gets a closer look. She comes back out and calls McG and tells him that Danno was exposed to sarin, so McG runs to tell the docs the news.

The gang shows up at the hospital, and apparently Special K’s intel paid off, and Danno is gonna make it. Whew. Boomer is relieved, as well…

We all know that I’m gonna sleep with someone on this show, and if Danno dies that only leaves me with my cousin (pictured) and McG, whose sperm would likely find a way to undo my birth control and impregnate me with octuplets.

McG tells the crew that Danno can’t have visitors yet, but that they need to get on solving this milk-fortified-with-sarin issue, starting by pulling all of that brand of milk off the shelf. He can’t decide if it’s a terrorist attack or just a random act of mayhem…

Hi…

He asks Special K to check in with the CDC and make sure this hasn’t happened elsewhere. She tells him she’ll send a sample to a contact at the CIA. McG tells her “thanks,” pretty obviously referring to the whole “saving Danno’s life” thing, and she starts gushing and rambling like a schoolgirl who just got asked out by the varsity QB about how she’s happy to chip in and help since his team is down a man and how she’ll do anything they need and maybe she can become part of the team because she may not even have a job when she goes home and McG’s just like “uhm, thanks for saving Danno, not get too excited…”

Also, it just happens to be Danno’s weekend with SpaceGrate, so McG does his buddy a solid and heads over to the school to pick her up. The things we do for friends, right?

I seriously can’t believe how bad you are at this whole ‘acting’ thing…

When McG shows up at the school, his phone rings. It’s Sang Min, and he tries to cut a deal with McG. McG hangs up on him, then sees SpaceGrate and tells her that Danno isn’t feeling well. He tells her that Danno is one tough mutha (shut yo’ mouf!) and asks her to be brave like her dad, and they head off to the hospital.

Back at H50 HQ, Special K tells Boomer that this milk is sold in like billions of stores across Hawaii, and they’ve pulled it all off the shelf and the CDC is now doing random testing, but has yet to find any more sarin.

Jin comes in and tells them that the dead guy in the house doesn’t actually live there, and that he was arrested once for trespassing 6 months prior. The actual owners of the house in question live in California, but keep this house for vacation rentals.

Jin tracks down the dead guy’s daughter, who tells them that he’d gotten in a bad car wreck and had a funny habit of just wandering off.

Back at H50 HQ again, Boomer and Special K video chat with the homeowners. They have no idea who the dead guy is. When they tell them that the milk was laced with sarin, the wife tells them they were supposed to be in Hawaii last week, and they’d asked their caretaker to stock the fridge for them. To make matters worse, they just canned him for stealing money from them. Special K calls and tells McG, while Jin and Boomer head out to find the caretaker.

The doc comes up and tells McG that Danno can have visitors now, so he and SpaceGrate head in. SpaceGrate made him a drawing…

She’s apparently as bad an artist as she is an actress…

What, is it wrong to make fun of the artistic abilities of a 10 year old girl? Well, then I’m an asshole. Eh, I am an asshole, so I guess we’re square…

Danno says he feels like the worst hangover he’s ever had…which, of course, prompts SpaceGrate to ask what a hangover is. Danno says she’ll figure it out when she’s 35…McG says 16…Danno settles on 40. McG tells him that he’s gotta get back to work, but that he’ll swing by to pick up SpaceGrate later and she can stay with him.

What am I doi-…. I’ve made a huge mistake.

Just then Miley starts blaring from her backpack…apparently step-Stan bought her an iPhone. Danno tells her to answer the phone, and she does, and it’s Rachel. You know, Danno’s ex. He tries to tells SpaceGrate not to tell her that he’s in the hospital, but she’s apparently as dumb as a character as she is bad as an actress, so she tells Rachel that they’re in the hospital, and Danno has to explain that he checked himself in because he so loves hospital food.

Jin and Boomer head into a local cafe, which is apparently frequented by the caretaker of the house…or Boomer and Danno really wanted food and just got hilariously lucky to find him there…and since this is Hawaii Five-0, I’m not willing to count out either possibility. He gives them a quick look, sees they’re cops, sees McG isn’t present, and takes the fuck off. Jin chases him through the kitchen while Boomer runs outside and around back. And here comes the take down that only Stan Lee could’ve seen coming.

Yeah…this is a shameless plug…

So they put this guy to the question. I’d already forgotten his name was Gabriel Delgado…a decidedly Hispanic name…probably because he’s played by a Chinese actor. I guess the show got tired of all the Asians in Hawaii and decided to add a Latino, but since the only people that showed up for the casting call are Asian, they had to make due?

Anyways, this guy insists that he knows nothing about sarin-enriched milk, and they show him the picture of the dead guy. He knows the dead guy, and says he knew he had some issues, so he told him where the hide-a-key to the house was.

Boomer heads back to the house and finds the hide-a-key. McG decides that this Gabriel guy wouldn’t have wanted the dead guy staying in the house if he was trying to kill the owners of the house with tainted milk, which makes sense. Boomer comes in and lets everyone know that apparently the owner’s brother-in-law’s fingerprint is ALSO on the house key.

Elliot Connor, the brother-in-law is also the COO of Jeff Fallon’s (the house owner) company, which manufactures “industrial storage equipment.” Mob front?

The team splits to dig deeper, and Jin gets a phone call. It’s obviously IA, and they appear to not believe Jin’s $200k donation is honest. Boomer calls him out on how dumb he’s being, because all they’ll have to do is check the inventory logs and they’ll know this isn’t the same $200k. Jin tells her the logs were lost, so they’ll never know.

Well, you’re still a dumbfuck.

McG and Special K walk into an office and ask for Elliot. They have his secretary pull him out of a meeting, and they ask him a few questions. McG asks if he ever goes to the house to help out his bro-in-law, and Elliot says “no,” because they have a caretaker for that, so they confront him about his prints on the key, and he makes up some awful story about how he used it to let himself in once to drop of some earnings reports that he wanted Jeff to review as soon as he got in. Because clearly e-mail doesn’t work.

Special K calls him out on his pants being on fire, and really burns him about it…

McG likey!

McG then calls him out on using their house to cheat on his wife/Jeff’s sister. He says they haven’t used the house in months, since his brother-in-law called him out on it. It turns out he’s sleeping with his secretary, which Special K is quick to laugh at him for.

At the hospital, Danno is asking SpaceGrate to explain AngryBirds to him. He doesn’t understand why you have to slingshot the birds…a detail which somehow I never found strange. SG tells him it’s because they don’t have wings, and Danno decides that explains their angriness.

Just then Goomba shows up with 2 buckets of fried chicken. He offers some to Danno, but Danno only likes white meat…and Goomba at all the white meat on the drive over. Danno tells him he’s gotta have a chat…

Grace! Earmuffs!!

Cock! Balls!
I was making a point, Frank, you don’t have to celebrate it…

He asks Goomba to help them track down Sang Min, because he thinks Sang Min is trying to gtfo the island. Well, he’s got Wo Fat chasing him, so…

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer tells McG and Special K that the CIA found a match on the sarin sample…it was used in a botched terror attack by a group of Chechen rebels. The supplier of the sarin back then just so happens to have come to Hawaii less than a week ago! They jump the gun and decide that he’s the killer…

McG, Jin, and some HPD raid Mikael’s hotel room, but he’s not there. Special K calls McG to tell him that Mikael just booked a flight to Borneo for that night at 7. As luck would have it, though, he used the same card at an ATM just a couple blocks from where they are!

Boomer hacks the ATM terminal, and makes his card not work in an attempt to delay him until McG arrives. As McG approaches, Mikael notices, jumps in his car, and is off! A high speed chase ensues, and I do appreciate the fact that McG has so little regard for non-McG life that he participates in this chase rather than calling in roadblocks…

How many “guy diving away from speeding car” scenes can one episode handle? Do you think they can squeeze one more in?

The chase ends in an alley, when Mikael t-bones the fuck out of a random butcher van…he grabs his gun, gets out of the car, and runs. From McFuckingG…He empties his clip over his shoulder, then tries to jump the fence, but suddenly he realizes he’s running from McG, and just dies to save everyone time. Or, for one reason or another, he was carrying a canister of sarin, and it sprung a leak when he wrecked. I like my theory better.

They check his trunk, and there are quite a few canisters with Biohazard markings on them.

Back at H50 HQ, Jin receives a call, and lets McG know that all those biohazard canisters were empty…which is weird.

When Jin and McG get to the main room of H50 HQ, the IA dude is waiting for them. He returns Jin’s $200k, telling him the serial numbers don’t match. He says they lied about the inventory log being lost. Jin seems to be thinking what I’m thinking…

HOLD THE DAMN PHONE.

That’s considered conclusive proof that Jin didn’t actually take the money? Had he taken the money, he’d CLEARLY have laundered it somewhere off-shore, wouldn’t he? Isn’t that the whole point of laundering money, so that you don’t have hot serial numbers or counterfeit bills? Actually, Jin doesn’t say any of this…Whatever, H50…I’ll let this slide.

The IA dude tells Jin he’ll let him off the hook, but his uncle is hosed. He says he won’t even ask Jin where he got the money. McG, though…McG will ask. When he finds out, McG tells him to get the deed to his house back, but that Jin does’t have to explain himself. McG’s the cool boss.

Just then, Special K comes in and interrupts them. The canisters in Mikael’s trunk are apparently tracked by the FBI, because clearly we don’t want chemical weapons just being transported around willy-nilly. The manufacturer on the 36 particular canisters found in the trunk is none other than Jeff Fallon’s (and Elliot Connor’s) company. Also, apparently Mikael called Elliot’s office when he landed in Hawaii. Wuh oh…

McG and Jin return to the office, and grill Elliot on the phone calls. Elliot swears he’s never spoken to that guy before. He very calmly asks them when the calls came in, and it turns out he was on “the big island” that day, and the only person who’d take is calls is his secretary/fuckbuddy!!! Jin runs back out to the reception area, but the secretary is gone. Jin and McG run out to the parking garage to try to track her down…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAT TRICK!!!!!!

I seriously did not remember this 3rd dive to safety when re-watching the episode. I swear. I lol’d when it happened the second time through.

McG pulls out of his dive and pulls out his gun, and shoots at the car, which swerves into a very strangely located dumpster. Jin and McG run to the car and pull the secretary out.

Back at H50 HQ, she tells them that Mikael contacted the company for those canisters, but after a background check they denied him the purchase. He called back a couple days later, and spoke with her, and offered her $20k. She asked him to throw in the murder of Jeff and Sheila, which backfired and caused the death of some random semi-homeless guy.

I’m fucked…I’m fucked, aren’t I?

McG stops by the hospital to check on Danno and pick up SpaceGrate, and sees an interesting scene…

“If you wake her up before I date-rape her, I’m gonna be SO pissed!!!”

Yes, that’s Rachel asleep on Danno. I know all you Doomers or Boomno’s or whatever you’d call yourselves are screaming at the TV right now, but I don’t care, because I called this MONTHS ago! McG gives him a “you sly dog, you” look and leaves the room.

Back at H50 the next day, McG gets another mysterious yellow envelope. In it is a Japanese medal from WWII. Special K is very confused by this, as is McG. He says he’ll figure this clue out when he finds Wo Fat.

Rachel drops Danno off at the hospital. Apparently she was on vacation in Maui when Danno got poisoned, and was grateful for the excused to come home. Apparently step-Stan booked the trip to try to save their marriage (always a solid use of money, that), but Rachel is pretty sure there’s nothing left to save, because she’s after Danno again! Wait, wtf…when did this happen?!? Last time she was on the show, she and Danno were at each-other’s throats most of the episode. I feel so…excluded…

As she drives off, some Eddie Vedder or Pearl Jam song is playing, and because it’s EV or Pearl Jam it kinda sounds sad anyways, and she’s just staring at the mirror watching him (they’ve done this before…). I won’t lie, I was honestly worried as shit that she was going to get t-boned into oblivion by a truck or something. I’d have been sad, because I kind of like Rachel…but it would’ve been a fair trade because SpaceGrate would’ve been gone, too…and we would’ve gotten treated to Dark Lord Danno for the rest of forever I think.

SpaceGrate, pay attention. This is exactly how YOU should drive. Always…

Danno heads back into H50 HQ and…I seriously can’t get over how Dawson’s Creek that was…

Danno heads back into H50 HQ and everyone greets him with hugs, and Special K is standing around looking left out like the puppy at Thanksgiving Dinner who’s being ignored for the turkey and stuffing. Danno tells her thanks for saving his life, and she asks for a hug, so Danno obliges.

McG asks Danno about why he didn’t tell him that he and Rachel were working on getting back together, and they joke around for a moment, but then Sang Min walks in the front door of H50 HQ!!! Apparently he tried to set things right with Wo Fat, who told him that he won’t rest until he’s dead, so this guy just wants to go to prison, so long as he can have a guard. He also told him that once he’s dead, Wo Fat said he’s gunning for McG next!

SEASON FINALE NEXT WEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!

So, what do you guys think will happen to Special K?

1) Special K hooks up with McG (I’m feelin’ this…his navy girl hasn’t been around in a while, and he really needs an excuse to take off his shirt)…

2) Wo Fat kills her

3) She and Wo Fat are in this together, and they get away from McG to live on in Season 2…