Hawaii Five-0: Gorram Frakin’ Bastages…

I’m going to start out this by asking if any of you watch Castle. I’m hoping so, and also that you remember my little rambling about “Soapy” from the last episode. I know that was like 3 weeks ago, so…feel free to check last recap, but here’s the line from Castle, because it was so perfect…

Beckett: What’s the matter, homicidal fan not soapy enough for you?
Castle: You know, when you say “soapy,” I conjure up images -
Beckett: Castle…focus…
Castle: I am focused…
Beckett: On the case!

See what I mean? This is what happens when we hear the word “soapy”…

Alright, now I’ve spent enough time not recapping our first episode back for Hawaii Five-0. I just loved that the “soapy” issue was addressed in Castle, as well. It kinda made my Monday night…especially since I was writing up the About Last Night segment as it happened…

Anyways, the episode starts off at a fancy hotel pool. Some lady is sipping a do-you-like-pina-coladas, and her kid is nagging the frak out of her…apparently he’s got a VEEEERRRRRYYYY important announcement.

CAAAAANNONBAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!

Mom tells him he was great, and then goes back to ignoring her kid, but then she glances up and he’s disappeared. Like, 2 seconds after she just saw him! And she immediately panics and starts screaming, because clearly he couldn’t be underwater. Anyways, she makes a fit, and then her kid comes up to show her he found a quarter on the bottom of the pool…nevermind how he managed to get all the way out of the shot so he could enter from the right, nowhere near the pool. Anyways, whatever, at least it’s not gonna be a kid abduction episode…those are always the worst, and this mom is another in the long line of terrible actresses to grace (see what I did there?) this show…

Anyways, thank goodness the mom hopped up, because as she’s headed back to her seat, a superhero falls from the sky and crashes through the tent!!!

INTRO!!!!

At H50 HQ, McG and Danno play a game of ask a million questions about what’s in the frakin’ bag…Danno doesn’t wanna tell McG, so McG desperately needs to know. It turns out it’s a salad, for lunch. It’s not interesting. Additionally not interesting is the fact that he’s eating the salad because SpaceGrate (thanks, guys, for the awesome collaboration there…I was about to just start calling her “Useless,” but I like this way better) wants him to eat better because her elementary school taught her about nutrition. Now if they’d teach her about “personality.” Anyways, they walk into HQ and some chick is just hangin out in McG’s office. Turns out it’s the younger daughter from 10 Things I Hate About You…

…what, didn’t recognize her? Me neither.

It also turns out she’s a CIA agent, and she returns McG’s dad’s tape recorder to McG, which was in the toolbox that got stolen when his sister was kidnapped (remember that?). She then tells him that he’s gotta give her all the info he has on the Yakuza in Hawaii. McG gets uppity about it, and Special Agent Kay pulls rank and tells him she’ll have the CIA director call the Gov’nah to “compell” him to turn over the info. So the CIA has pull over the gov’nah, but the FBI doesn’t…interesting. McG decides to acquiesce to her request, but not until the end of the day.

Danno and McG discuss McG’s strategy of delayed gratification regarding Special K. Danno confesses to having interest in being ‘interrogated’ by Special K, and McG informs him the CIA can legally only interrogate foreign nationals. This prompts him to call McG a “devourer of dreams,” or a…

…little Pac-man in cargo pants.

They get to the scene of the incident, and find a dead guy dressed as Captain Fallout…ok, seriously, guys…there are a million relatively unknown comic book heroes for whom you could obtain a license to use their likeness for not a lot of money. Captain Fallout? Frak that…but maybe they’re being punny, since it appears that Captain Fallout Fellout of a window or something.

It turns out that “Spectacu-con” is in town. Ok, again, what the frak. Spectacu-con? I’ll tell you this…nerds wouldn’t flock to an event called “Spectacu-con.” Trust me, I’m a subject matter expert. Call it Comicon…gorram, CHUCK refers to Comicon…if they can afford that one, I’m quite sure H50 can.

Alright, nerd rant off.

BOOM! HEADSHOT!

Anyways, Spectacu-con (it even sucks to type) is in town this week, and Fallout Boy was clearly attending. Franklin is able to determine that the victim was murdered, and that he was thrown out a window or sliding glass door. At that point, a text comes to his cell, and it’s from a “psycho-kitty.” McG and Danno head into the convention, and realize the search for psycho-kitty is going to be one of those needle/haystack things.

Jin and Boomer head into Fallout Boy’s hotel room, which happens to be on the 10th floor. They glance around, and quickly realize no one was thrown from a window in this room, because the windows are all…how do you say?…intact. Yes…so then Boomer steps on broken glass, and they realize it’s from the floor above. They head up 1 floor to the room, and notice a keycard still in door. Boomer tries it, but it doesn’t work…odd…they gain entry by using the keycard they obtained from the front desk.

AAAAAAaaaaaaa………aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaa…..this door is double-paned sound-proof glass! Oh…wait…

Back at the convention, McG is striking out on finding anyone who knows PsychoKitty. Danno, on the other hand, is admiring the scenery. I’m glad they at least got something right about these Cons…a staggering amount of cute, underclad ladies. I’m convinced that the Cons hire many of these girls to be there, but it’s really just a Girls With Low Self-Esteem expo. Anyways, then Danno addresses the next guy who walks by as Captain Kirk. For Frak’s….ya know what, I won’t even bother with it. Not at this point.

I mean, seriously…a black guy redshirt (yes, he’s got a black/gray coat, but the shirt underneath is red)…in sci-fi?? This guy is so humped, he has no idea.

Anyways, this guy is apparently dressed as a “brotha” Commander from DS9 (that’s Deep Space 9, n00bs), which I know nothing about…but wait, they can talk about the Enterprise and DS9 and Ahura, but…Fallout Boy…sigh…Anyways, he happens to recognize PsychoKitty, and tells the boys she hangs out with the Plushies at the Furry exhibit. Gorram Furries. Seriously, the bane of the Cons.

They catch up with PsychoKitty, who tells them she met Fallout Boy on an online message board, and one thing led to another, and they just met today for the first time and everything was great until her ex-husband showed up and screamed about how he’d kill Fallout Boy. The guy is violating parole by leaving Florida, so they track him down. McG calls out that he’s Five-0, and this Trevor guy runs. Seriously, when will people learn YOU DON’T RUN FROM FRAKIN’ McG?!? Also, how the frak does he know what “five-0” means? Seriously…since that’s their own little made up pet name for themselves and all…and this guy isn’t even a local. I mean, everyone knows what the Five-0 is IRL, but that’s because of the ORIGINAL iteration of this show. Holy crap that’s meta…

Anyways, this guy runs from McG, which is hilariously stupid, and then Danno pulls up on a gorram ATV and offers McG a lift, who hilariously turns it down by continuing to run after the guy. So Danno herds him towards a pool of water, and…

YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

Anyways, it turns out this guy didn’t do it…he only yelled about killing Fallout Boy to scare him, then he went on a dolphin-watching cruise to cool off.

Back at the Hotel, Jin and Boomer are putting the pieces together. There’s a Rolex sitting on the table, so clearly this wasn’t a robbery. Boomer did some digging, and it turns out that Fallout Boy went to the bar to drown his sorrows, and got frakin’ ripped. They deduce that he just went to the wrong floor (which I’m more likely to buy if he used stairs, not an elevator, but whatever), and it was his key that was left in the lock. Basically the poor schmuck was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and whoever was inside the room looking for whatever they were looking for heard him at the door and thought it was his room, then pitched him off the balcony. The problem is, whoever booked the room did so under a fake name!

Jin and Boomer run the serial number on the Rolex and find out who it belongs to. They head out to the house, in which resides none other than Frank the Tank’s (ex) wife!!! Hilarious! She tells them the watch was stolen 3 days ago, which exonerates her and her husband.

McG accepts a handoff from some guy on a bridge somewhere, which happens to be some information about Special K. In this report, he learns that she’s investigating Wo Fat. He also learns that she’s just an analyst, not a field agent, and that she’s on leave. Whoa!!! And, since the H50 writers assume you guys are all idiots (their words, not mine…sorry guys….)

HEY GUYS!!!11!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WO FAT!!!!!ONE!!!!

So McG does what McG does, and tracks her down at some crummy hotel, and in order to gain entry into her room, he tries an old trick made famous by David Spade…

Housekeeping, want me jerk you off???

So Special K is all like “What kinda hotel is this?” and opens the door, and sees it’s McG and slams it back in his face, only to have him kick the gorram frak right out of it. He starts playin’ games with her heart to let her know he knows she’s not on assignment in Hawaii to hunt down Wo Fat, but instead is on leave and acting all vigilante. Anyways, she tells him she needs to show him something, but not in the hotel because the door won’t shut, so they leave.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer and Danno are looking through the credit card records for the thief…though they don’t tell you how they figured out who stole the watch, etc. Anyways, he spent a ton of cash at a strip club, so Boomer and Danno head out.

Not that I expect much from strip clubs, but GORRAM this place is classy!

Anyways, not surprisingly, the bartender at the club knows who it is that’s spent nearly 20 grand over the last month, and lets them know he’s fond of a particular stripper. They clone her cell and send him a text…there’s this silly little scene where Danno tries to talk dirty, and it’s revealed that Boomer is a sexting champ. Whatever.

Back at H50 HQ, Special K is giving the history on Wo Fat. Apparently he worked in intelligence, and was a good guy, but then just fell off the map one day and resurfaced later as a bad frakin’ dude. Also, Special K takes her gum out and sticks it on the fancy computer table. Wait, earlier she said she was a clean freak. Clean freaks don’t stick their gum under tables….no ruttin’ way.

Anyways, she tells him that Spike works for Wo Fat, and he turns that into “Wo Fat killed my father?!?!?” “LUUUUUKE I AM YOUR FAAAAAATHEEEEERRRRR” sorry, I lost it for a moment. She explains that that’s the way it was. She then relates her backstory…she apparently walked a bunch of CIA agents into a trap, and they were all killed, including her fiance…awesome, another hero with a tragic backstory. Unless she’s really a bad guy, working w/ Wo Fat. That’s my thinking, at least…

Anyways, McG buys the song and dance and gives her the rest of the information. He tells her to analyze his crap, and that they’ll meet tomorrow at a noodle house. He runs off to meet up w/ Danno and catch the thief…

At the strip club, the thief, aka Johnny D, pulls up. When he arrives, he texts his stripper chick back, and it goes to Boomer. “At da club, babe.” Do people really text like this? Am I the uncool one? Probably…but geez. So of course, they’ve confirmed it’s him, and the lights and sirens come on. Johnny panics and reverses out the entrance of the strip club, which apparently has those one-way spikes…no one can believe the hilarity of this car chase…

I’m pretty sure Johnny D wasn’t expecting that it’d be his tires that got blown…HIYOOOOO!!!!!!!

They have a quick heart-to-heart with Johnny D, who is just a regular Robin Hood, sans the “giving to the poor” part, unless by “poor” you mean “strippers.” He seems genuinely bummed that some dude died because some badder dude thought that dude was him. So he takes them all back to his treasure trove. Danno, for some reason, takes a dig at Cheers. Seriously? I loved Cheers. Anyways, McG finds a snowglobe and asks Johnny why he’d steal a frakin’ snowglobe. He replies that he always wanted to go to Paris.

Pictured:  Not Paris…not Paris at all…

Again, I’m sincerely sorry to you, loyal readers…the Hawaii Five-0 writers think you’re stupid, and thoroughly explain that it’s Seattle. Anyways, inside the snowglobe is an SD card, and on the SD card is a little home movie…and the girl in the video is a girl who disappeared and was murdered a few years ago!!!

…I see what they did there…

I seriously wonder if it’s a coincidence that this grainy nightvision homemade porno was found inside a snowglobe that our moon-brained thief thought was Paris, or if our writers were being clever. I laughed, regardless, at the One Night in Paris joke…

They bring the video over to the girl’s parents’ house, and they ID the guy on top of her as her boss.

They then head over to talk to Franklin, who was apparently a fledgling ME at the time, and reveals that they found a sliver of wood in the wound on the back of her head. Apparently it was dismissed as inconsequential by the previous CME, but Franklin disagreed, and saved up his own money to do the test. Seriously, and the Spectacu-con people are nerds? Geez.

Anyways, it turns out the wood was northern white ash, which is used to make many things, but my mind immediately jumped to…baseball bats!!! You can tell it’s almost April! So the murder weapon is probably a baseball bat from the 1950s! Wait! I never mentoned that in Frank the Tanks’ (ex) wife’s house there was a collection of old baseball memorabilia! Well, there is!!!

A Jose Canseco Bat?!?!?

Funny enough, they arrest her husband (who was out of town on business last time they stopped in), who happens to have been in quite a few episodes of my OTHER show (which is causing all sorts of brain problems for me now), The Ev3nt! Anyways, he tells them that he didn’t kill Lindsey, that he loved her, yadda yadda…and then it turns out that he had no idea about the home movie. Danno then figures out that this guy called Lindsey like 5 times after she went missing, because he had no idea she was dead…then they found that Frank the Tank’s ex’s fingerprint is on the SD card! Wow! And that she paid her personal trainer 10 grand for something!!!

The bad guy that threw Fallout Boy off the balcony is Frank the Tank’s ex’s personal trainer! They arrest him for killing Fallout Boy! Then they arrest her for killing Lindsey!!! She denies it, until McG tells her that her trainer ratted her out, and she confesses!!! Fallout Boy was just collateral in this whole cold case!!!

So, not to forget the overarching story in this episode, McG heads out to the noodle house to meet Special K. Instead, Wo Fat shows up! He makes it clear to McG that Special K will be humped if McG tries anything funny, so McG safeties his sidearm. McG goes all “I WANT MY FATHER BACK YOU SONOFABITCH!”, and Wo Fat tells him not to dig too deeply into his family’s past, because he may not like what he finds!!!! Then he pulls out a Benjamin and pays for McG’s future dinner with Special K!!!!

Seriously, free dinner…what’s not to love?!?

Another quite enjoyable episode. I think I’m pretty much a sucker for the Danno/McG moments at this point, and I lol’d pretty hard at Johnny D blowing out his tires, as well as McG passing up the ATV ride to perform a flying takedown in a tidal pool (though it’d have been more epic if he’d leapt FROM the ATV onto his prey). Seriously, that’s the kinda stuff you normally only see on Animal Planet….

Also…sorry for all the nerd-swears. I fear that none of you got any of that at all, but in honor of the nerdcon that provided the setting, I felt obligated. Also, sorry that the McRib is STILL not back!!!