Hawaii Five-0: Kim Jong-Illin’

Our episode this week opens with some lonely guy sitting alone at a lonely table in a fancy restaurant. Did I mention he’s by himself? Sgt Pepper looks over and sees a pretty lady standing all alone at the bar, and keeps stealing furtive glances at her while sipping his drink. She catches him glancing at her, and does what any pretty lady would do when she sees a lonely man in a fancy restaurant staring at her…at least in make-believe land…

“Hi…I’m hot, you’re lonely…shall we hook up?”

Before you know it, they’re making out all the way down the hallway of the hotel, and stumble into his room.

You’re welcome, male viewers who have loyally stuck with us. We felt it was time we rewarded you for your patience.

So, yeah, as you can see, she starts to undress, and the dude starts making these really weird noises that I think translate into “zomg boobs!!” But as she reaches to unclasp her bra…she pulls out a wire and nearly cuts his head off strangling him!

Night…of…his…life…

How in the world do you get strangled that badly by a 105lb woman who’s only 105 because of 45lb boobs? Welp, I guess there are worse places to go…

She hangs the Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob and walks out.

INTRO!!!

Of course, despite that fact that this seems like a run of the mill murder, Five-0 is brought in!!! Oh, and then we learn that the guy was a diplomatic service agent assigned to General Pak’s advance team. Apparently General Pak is a bit controversial, and is supposed to be in Hawaii in the next couple of days and a lot of people aren’t so happy about him coming, so his advance team was sent to check out the scene. Apparently Sgt Pepper was on to an assassination plot, and now he’s dead. Dun dun dun!!!!!

Also in the good news category, Kelly Hu is back! Hooray! Anyways, she introduces General Pak’s private security detail, who just so happens to be one of McG’s old Navy Seal buddies, Nick.

BRO HUGS!!!!

Just like long-lost sorority sisters, they immediately revert  back into their former selves and no one else has any idea what they’re talking about.

Yet another stunning example of “aneurism face.”

Danno gets all righteous and starts giving this guy he just met, and who happens to be his boss’s/partner’s BBF (Best Bro Forever), a hard time about protecting a genocidal maniac.

McG is clearly bothered by the fact that Danno doesn’t like his BBF, and tries to cheer Danno up by telling him that if it comes to guns, Danno will be happy that Nick is on their team. Danno announces that if it comes to guns, he won’t be happy, period. Sorry, Danno. This is H50. It always comes to guns.

Danno and McG walk into the hotel room and see the dead guy. McG announces that no foreign dignitary has ever been assassinated on US soil, and this guy isn’t going to be the first.

Boomer and Jin are now at the crime scene, and Boomer walks through the crime scene. She’s able to deduce that the dude let his killer into the room, and that the killer was female.

McG and Danno are in the security room watching the tapes. McG is impressed that our killer seems to know where all of the cameras are, as she never ones shows them her face. He then notices Sgt Pepper’s shaky hand as he tries to open the door. Danno says it’s performance anxiety. McG has other thoughts…

…more like floories…

McG and Danno take the Camaro for a spin. McG looks up and asks Danno “what’s that?” Danno’s like “oh that’s just a picture of Gracie.” McG’s all like “Yeah, no shit, but that’s not what I’m asking about…what’s THAT?” According to Danno, it’s…

…a picture of a better place…

lol. It may as well be a postcard of Cleveland. McG says as much.

Back at H50 headquarters, Boomer is telling the boys that she was able to recover a partial print off the Do Not Disturb sign that the killer hung on the door, and Jin shows off how good he is with photoshop by splicing bits of images together to reveal the killer’s full face!

McG starts to head back to meet up with his BBF, when Jin calls him and tells him that the hotel valet was able to ID the woman from the picture, and because she used the valet, they logger her license plate. Whoops. Jin heads over with some HPD backup, and McG heads over that way as well to meet up.

Obviously it can’t be that simple, and upon arriving at the house they realize that the suspect clearly isn’t the real owner of the house…and the real owner, well, she’s chillin’ out in the garage.

Gives “Taste the Rockies” a new meaning…

Anyways, back inside McG recaps the whole story thus far, when the phone rings and the answering machine picks up. And not just ANY answering machine…

They suspect the victim has been dead for about 2 weeks, but judging by this answering machine I’d say more like 2 decades.

Of course the person on the phone is the victim’s daughter, who just got back from Spain, so McG “delegates” and has Jin call her back to tell her that her mom is dead. Boomer comes in, and there’s a hit on one of the anti-Gen Pak protestors, who has multiple arrests for weapon sales, etc. Oh, right, and he used to be in GenPak’s army prior to defecting…

McG lets Boomer ride in the Camaro and they go to pay a visit to the weapons guy. He takes one look at McG and bolts….and Boomer gets her first

FLYING TAKEDOWN!!!!

McG tells him that he’s going to answer their questions, and truthfully, or he’ll be deported back to Sandamar…

Ok, so…why in the world are they using a made-up country (it is made up, right?)? They’ve talked about Afghanistan already this episode, and clearly “Sandamar” is just N Korea, considering the genocidal military dictatorship. Oh well…anyways…

Anyways, the suspect that Boomer took down takes them back to his house, and they meet his family, and he tells them the story of their escape from “Sandamar,” and how his sister and oldest son were killed, and that he doesn’t want GenPak dead because he deserves a much harsher fate…his mom asks how a man can protect someone like GenPak and still call himself a man. McG looks uneasy.

Back at H50 HQ, McG and Danno determine that the murder victim had to have been involved in the assassination attempt, and that’s how he knew about it, and he’d requested a face-to-face with the head of the advance team to come clean about it and help bust everyone involved…and that’s why he was killed. It’s all conjecture, but somehow the two settle on it being fact.

In running the prints and face, Boomer is able to pull up a totally blacked out CIA file. They decide that the killer is probably ex-CIA, but they don’t have anyone with the clearance to view said file. McG says he has a guy…

His guy, of course, is his BBF Nick. Nick says he thinks he knows a guy that can open the file, and it turns out he’s right. Nick comes back to H50 HQ and briefs the group, and refers to the killer lady as a “mechanic.” “Mechanic” apparently means “assassin” in CIA lingo. Danno is fed up with the lingo, and asks Nick to please start speaking in normal people words.

Jin comes running in, and apparently the lady is trying to board a cruise so she can get to another island and fly out.

In case you were wondering…they’re almost out of time!!!

The whole gang pulls up to the harbor and they split up looking for the lady. McG finds her and gets the gang back together. She sees him and immediately starts shooting! And Mcg being Mcg starts SHOOTING BACK!!! IN A CROWDED AREA!!! WTF! And didn’t he say something about them needing her alive? She runs off, takes a hostage, fires a few more shots, throws the hostage away, takes a couple steps back, fires a few more shots at McG, and then…

…she does her very best Regina George and gets hit by a bus!!!

So of course she doesn’t survive the bus running her over, and now their only lead into GenPak’s impending assassination attempt is dead.

GenPak and his family land at the airport, and are herded into an SUV. En route to their destination, Boomer gets a call from the lab. The results of the killer lady’s cell phone scrub are back, and immediately after killing Sgt Pepper, she called McG’s BBF Nick!! ZOMG!

Boomer calls McG to tell him what’s up. McG tells the guy driving their vehicle to make the next right, and he doesn’t seem eager to acquiesce. By that, of course, I mean he pulls a gun out. McG wrestles with him for the gun (yes, while the car is still in motion and is now wildly swerving) and the gun goes off and shoots GenPak’s wife in the shoulder!!!

From the car behind theirs, Nick notices the swerving and realizes they’ve been made. He pushes a button on his Horrible Remote (pictured below) and the front car in the caravan blows up! Thankfully no one important was in that vehicle!!!

Horrible Remote…

Nick’s crew opens fire. McG and Co take out a few of the henchmen, but their first duty is to protect GenPak and his family, so they disable Nick’s car and jump back into their own and drive off!!!

They take GenPak and family back to McG’s house, because it was the safest place he could think of. They plan to hole up until HDP SWAT arrives, which should be relatively quickly. However, somehow we’ve gone from mid-afternoon to after dark, and HPD still aren’t there. Well, what would this episode be without a nighttime firefight?

GenPak tells them that he’s come to Hawaii seeking political asylum. He plans to testify at the UN against himself and his regime in hopes to end the war that his tyranny started. Just then, HPD cars pull up, but instead of cops it’s armed soldiers!!!

McG suddenly realizes, when everyone else’s phone is dead but his is not, that Nick cloned his phone, and that’s how they found him. Whoops. He hides the General and his family in a nook under the stairs, and sends Jin to grab a gas can and Boomer to grab some rags. He sends Danno upstairs to take up a good defensive position, and grabs some glass bottles, and you know what that means…

It’s Lolotov Cocktail time!!!

Nick tries to talk Steve into doing his dirty work for him to spare the lives of everyone else involved, and even offers to cut him in on the payout, but McG, being ever honorable, says no can doooosville, babydoll. McG then sticks his head out in front of the window, but Nick tips his hand a split second before firing the shot and McG gets doooowwwwwwnnnn!!!! He tells everyone where Nick is shooting from, and to stay away from windows! He then grabs the lolotov cocktails and throws them out the window to fuck with everyone’s nightvision!!

There’s a shootout and H50 takes down all of the henchmen except Nick! McG tells Boomer to stay where she is, then he sneaks outside and takes a pistol and nightvision goggles off of a dead guy. He’s looking around, trying to find nick, and suddenly Nick shines a flashlight right in his face! He can’t see!! McG shoots wildly, then starts to run at Nick…

…but Nick clotheslines the shit out of him…

Of course, as should be expected (and any great movie/tv show about ex-military buddies where one goes rogue has taught us this), everything has to come down to a mano y mano hand-to-hand knife fight! Except that, in the end, McG brought a gun to this knife fight!! And with a rat-tat-tat, his BBF Nick is toast.

GenPak tells McG and Danno thanks for keeping him from dying and letting him go turn himself in. McG offers to buy Danno a drink, but conveniently doesn’t have his wallet…Danno calls him on it, and they ride off into the sunset.