Hawaii Five-0: More Like Floories

The episode starts with what seems to be a very nice field trip or something…anyways, it’s a bunch of kids underwater in a submarine looking at ocean life. Must be nice to be a kid in Hawaii, huh? I didn’t even have an aquarium to take field trips to. No joke. It was just the zoo every year…or maybe a farm so you could find out what it’s like to grab the electric fence or get bitten by a goat. But I digress…

So there are a bunch of kids in a submarine, and they’re all snapping pictures out the tiny windows while some tour guide is telling them what they’re looking at, and there’s some fat redhead kid who seems to be enjoying this more than the rest of the kids, and desperately wants his mom to pay attention to him…

It’s not really surprising that his mom is ignoring him. Clearly she makes his dinner in the microwave every night. I mean, if, as a parent, you can’t be troubled to make healthy dinners for your kid, why would you pay attention to him on a field trip?

His mom obviously has better things to do, like talk on her cell phone. I find it a bit unlikely that she’s actually able to get a signal inside a submarine a few hundred feet under the water. Seriously, though, how pissed would you be if you were trapped in a small space with some dumb bitch who thinks that her stupid job is so important that she’s gotta have a phone conversation…ugh.

Anyways, her kid keeps trying to get her to look at stuff out the window, and she finally tells whothefuckever she’s talking to that it’s not a great time because she’s in a fucking submarine. The kid starts shouting that he sees a mermaid!

Moisture is the essence of wetness…and wetness is the essence of beauty!

Turns out that it’s not really a mermaid…but thankfully ignorance is bliss so the kid gets off the sub never realizing that he saw a dead person…and he gets to cheerfully dip his cheesy-poofs in his Ben & Jerry’s while everyone else on the sub is now scarred for life.

INTRO!

The episode proper starts out…well…properly by giving the ladies some shirtless McG, and I’m pretty sure even Folgers would agree that it’s not actually the best part of waking up, right? Luckily for those of us who don’t like the dangly bits, his cute Navy gf is in bed, too. They have some sickening conversation about how they can never seem to actually make it to dinner…and those of us who aren’t really, really ridiculously good looking nod out heads like we can relate, but we all know we can’t, really. We always make it to dinner.

They decide to forgo breakfast, too, in favor of more playtime, and she feels a cell phone vibrating under her. It’s the governor calling. Wait, why is his cell phone in the bed with them? That just seems kind of weird…

Cockblock? There’s an app for that.

So McG heads down to the medical examiner’s office to meet with the Governor and he and Danno have a nice little chat as their walking down the hall. Somehow Danno can’t seem to place McGs shit-eating grin in the “I just got laid” category. Anyways, they make it to the end of the hallway and the governor introduces them to the Medical Examiner.

It turns out that the ME is Hiro!! Or, since he’s wearing his lab coat again…Franklin! Good to see him still doing stuff. Anyways, apparently he’s a bit special, but this quirkiness doesn’t really seem to have much bearing on anything, so basically we just learn that some once-pretty blonde girl couldn’t hold her breath long enough, but it looks like foul play may have been involved…

It turns out that she’s the daughter of the US ambassador to the Philippines, who happens to be the governor’s good friend. Textbook misappropriation of resources, here, but oh well. It turns out the girl had a sister who she was out with the night prior, and who also didn’t make it home, but who also hasn’t turned up dead. So clearly the mission is to find the living sister.

They head out to the Ambassador’s house. After McG and Danno have a brief conversation with the Ambassador, Jin meets up with some Morris Chestnut lookalike on the balcony. His story is that he was brought in as a private security consultant to bolster security in light of the whole kidnapping and murder thing. Back inside, McG and Danno are still asking questions, and find it strange that there’s been no ransom demand.

There’s another really pointless scene where basically McG’s sister, who is currently living with him, tells McG’s girl that she heard everything the night before…

Apparently she’s modest…

Back in Five-0 HQ, McG gets a call from the ME. He grabs Danno and they head right over. Turns out she’d been drugged with roofies. They should really be called floories…Anyways, Hiro explains that he didn’t tell them the roofie tidbit over the phone because he doesn’t trust phones.

Apparently, these girls have a bit of a reputation for being party girls…so Danno asks for a blacklight. I’m not sure this is going in a family-friendly direction, but at the same time I’d find it really damn funny if a joker smile just lit up under the black light. Instead, it seems that it’s just a stamp on her hand from a night club.

Back at Five-0 HQ, Danno and McG do a little dick swinging over their Ms Pacman accomplishments. Some shit about double-pretzel and triple-banana and I have a hard time accepting that they’re not talking about sex at this point. They then start surfing through the surveillance footage and find the creeper who probably kidnapped the girls.

Danno and McG get to the bar, and Danno finally figures out why McG has had that shit-eating grin on his face all damn day…but not until after McG completely ignores two hotties eye-fucking the shit out of him.

Little Ms Prim-and-Propers, indeed…

They find their targeted creeper, and watch him as he drops a roofie into yet another girl’s drink. McG and Danno show up and tell her to gtfo before something bad happens like date-rape, and then make him drink his own roofie. CLASSIC!

Back in Five-0 headquarters, they’ve got Creeper McCreepington strapped to a chair and McG blows an airhorn in his ear. The interrogation yields some useful information, such as the fact that this douchebag is basically farming girls off into forced prostitution…and he provides our heroes with the information for how the drops go.

So there’s some creepy lookin’ Chinese dude who walks up and gets into a white van. It turns out that Five-0 has planted Boomer in there, and they’re hot on the trail of the rape van.

Back in the McG residence, Sister Mary is realizing that she can’t change the channel with the remote because the batteries are dead. She seems to really loathe the infomercial that’s playing, so she gets up and starts looking through McGs desk for batteries. When she finds none, she sees the toolbox from episode 1! She calls McG to ask what it is, and he tells her to put it back and forget it. Clearly, that does not happen…

So it seems that this whole prostitution ring is being run by an old Chinese lady. Boomer gets taken to a back room, and just then McG and Jin and a bunch of nameless cops bust in and shit gets real. In a matter of minutes everything is under control, and they try asking the old Chinese lady about the kidnapped girl. She’s being stubborn, so Boomer grabs her dog away from her and asks the boys to leave the room.

I want to know who first started the whole villains with cute pets thing.

She comes out with a cell # and a bank account number, and our heroes have a new lead. McG asks how she got the info. She apparently promised the lady that she’d find someone to take care of the dog once she was in jail, because otherwise it’d be put down. Jin and McG can’t believe it…

Aneurism faces…

Back at Five-0 HQ, they check the call history for that number and realize that multiple calls have been made to the Ambassador’s number…so why did he tell them that there had been no ransom calls?! McG theorizes that the “security consultant” isn’t actually that, but instead a K&R specialist.

They hurry out to the Ambassador’s place, but he’s gone, as is the K&R guy. His wife cracks and confirms their suspicions. As it turns out, AmbASSador and K&R have already left to make the exchange. Jin and Boomer call McG to tell them they ran the bank account info, and that he’s a militant in the Philippines who doesn’t like the US because they’re giving aid to a government that’s not cool with insurgent militia. Then they show his picture:

I get the feeling that anyone who watches Glee will have a tough time accepting Ken Tanaka as the big bad for this episode…though I almost didn’t recognize him not wearing his coach’s pants…

McG realizes that this is a bit of an issue, because these guys clearly don’t want money…they want something else from the AmbASSador. He gets a trace on Mr A’s car and him and Danno head out to find the car, and hopefully Mr A.

When they get to the docks, they see the car, so clearly they’re getting close. McG calls in another favor to his Navy gf to have her monitor wireless transmissions and help pinpoint the location of K&R. She finds them, and directs our boys to a shipping container not too far away.

Things get a little tense when McG and Danno bust in, but they come to an understanding.

Tanaka?!? You’re a terrorist now? Man, you took that whole Emma dumping your fat ass hard, bro!

Tanaka makes it clear that he doesn’t care about the money, but instead wants Mr A to provide him with information regarding a certain military shipment of machine guns. He tells Mr A that he’ll let his daughter go if he complies. McG gets on the headset and starts walking him through the proper course of action…

Mr A tells Tanaka that he wants to see his daughter before he complies.

Is it just me or does she kind of look like Lindsey Lohan on a Tuesday?

Once things start in motion, McG makes Danno man the cameras while he, Jin, and Boomer head over to deal with the situation.

While they’re sneaking in, Danno is letting them know where the guards are. Jin and Boomer separate, and McG is by himself when a guard starts patrolling his way! He ducks behind a crate and finds a conveniently placed crowbar. Danno counts down and McG kneecaps the shit out of the guard.

Danno now understands the arguments against violence in video games.

Jin and Boomer have an equally stealthy takedown. Back with Mr A, Tanaka has lost his patience with the family reunion so he threatens to kill the daughter if he doesn’t get the info right away. People start shooting, and Tanaka takes off running!!!

But doesn’t get very far!!!

So this is the part that really gets me. Incompetent HS football coach Ken Tanaka gets taken down into the side of a dumpster, then gets back up and engages in some pretty flashy hand-to-hand combat with McG. I love how everyone in this show knows some form of martial arts! McG whoops his ass, though, and finishes the fight by bodyslamming him through a fucking empty wooden crate! I always wondered what’d happen if there was something in a crate that someone got slammed through…just once…

K&R comes back in and offers Danno and McG jobs at his private firm should they ever lose interest in being cops. I can see it now…Hawaii Five-0: LA! The Governor comes back in and thanks them for being awesome, basically, and that’s about that. Then she goes all David Caruso and dramatically puts on sunglasses, but there was no awesomely cheesy line delivered, so chalk that one up as a missed opportunity.

Back at McG’s house, Mary is taking photos of all the evidence that was in the toolkit. That’s kind of weird, right? Then we get to see McG and his lady friend building Sandcastles in the Sand, and it seems like things are almost happily ever after…except that lingering question of why Mary was taking cell phone pictures of the stuff in the Champ toolkit.