Hawaii Five-0 Recap: A Cult Classic

Our episode this week starts out with a paddle board competition. “What’s that?” you ask. Well, it looks like it’s a competition where people stand on surfboards with an oar and paddle themselves across the ocean between islands. I don’t understand what the point of this could possibly be, but whatever. Anyways, they focus in on some girl who is arriving at the finish around the 6 hour mark, so that sounds like the shittiest thing ever. Dressing up as shark bait for 6 hours. Ick. Her friends all run out to greet her.

Ah high school girls…I keep gettin’ older; they stay the same age.

Her parents meet her, and she assures them she’s feeling fine, and then runs off to the tent to change. Skip ahead to the medal ceremony, where they’ve already introduced the 3rd and 2nd place girls that we don’t give a shit about, and now there’s the moment we’ve been waiting for…they call what’s-her-name out to the stage…Jenn, her name is Jenn…but she doesn’t come. So everyone looks around expecting some haha funny late entrance, but it doesn’t come. So they call her name again…and again…and finally her mom decides that something may be amiss, and runs in to check on her. Only Jenn is not there. Wuh-oh. She looks around the locker room some more to make sure Jenn hadn’t gotten hidden under a towel or something silly, and then she hears screaming! Oh no! She runs out the back door of the tent only to see her daughter being whisked away in the back of an early 90s Buick Regal.

INTRO!!

After the intro, we see McG in the new gov’nah’s office…

…being manly as fuck…wait…

I get it, it’s a joke to show how long he’s been waiting, that he’s already read all the manly magazines already, but let’s be honest…McG probably has to sound out half the words in such publications as Sport’s Illustrated and Highlights, so if he’s been there that long, he’d probably have had to call someone to bring him food and could’ve asked for better reading material then. Oh well.

So McG’s reading Woman’s Day, when in walks, for lack of a better nickname for a tall, pretty, curly-haired blonde, Taylor Swift. She’s apparently here to see the new gov’nah, too. McG preemptively points out the pink magazine in his hand to let her know that he’s been waiting forfuckingever, and it has nothing to do with his love for smoothies or quilting or whatever. She gives him a little “yeah, I’m sure” laugh, and then offers him the sports section. Wait, seriously?!? You’re telling me the gov’nah’s office doesn’t have today’s newspaper?!? Of all the moments where I find myself calling bullshit, it’s hard to imagine this is one I’m really struggling with.

Anyway, McG takes the sports page gratefully and he and Taylor go on to play a little game of peek-a-boo trying to check each other out under the guise of reading their newspapers. Cute. Just then, the secretary calls BOTH McG and Taylor to see the gov’nah now. Hm, interesting. I mean, they’ve gotta get McG and this girl talking SOMEHOW, right? It’s only fair that he have a sexy interest (let’s be honest, McG doesn’t have *love* interests) again, since his last one has apparently disappeared.

The gov’nah jabbers on and on about how McG has already fucked up that whole “accountability and not blowing everything up” thing. In front of the girl that McG is probably hoping to sleep with. Not cool.

Major cock-block, bro.

He tells them both that Taylor will be the newest addition to Five-0. McG and Taylor both start protesting at once because she’s a profiler and above all this and McG doesn’t want another woman on his team, and in all the yelling, the one word that everyone hears is “babysitter,” which seems to bother McG. No one is particularly happy with this arrangement, and just then McG gets a phone call. He tells the others he’s gotta go save a little girl. TS doesn’t move…at least until the gov’nah asks her wtf she’s waiting for, so she hurries out after him. They drive to the crime scene separately, because she’s a strong, independent woman and all.

So they show up at the crime scene, and immediately Taylor gets down to business, asking the family all sorts of questions that only a top-notch profiler could come up with like “does anyone you know have any incentive to kidnap her?” and stuff. It’s all very…well, shit, she’s asking questions that anyone who’s ever watched CSI…or Sesame Street…would know to ask. McG uses this as an opportunity to send Taylor off to the house with the family to wait for a ransom call, since she’s all great at this shit.

Also, she has a wicked aneurism face.

Jin walks up and annouces he’s found something, and…wuh-oh…it’s Jenn’s heart medication. She has to take it twice a day, so if she doesn’t get it within 24 hours…she could DIE!!!

Back at H50 HQ, Special K is doing some research on McG. I doubt she’s the only lady looking at pictures of Alex O’Loughlin on the internet right now, amirite? Raise your hand if you’re guilty…now raise your hand if you’re lying…at this point, all the single ladies (all the single ladies) all the single ladies now put ya hands up!

McG walks in with Danno and she does the classic alt-F4 SHIT FUCK CLOSE THE PR0N spam just in the nick of time. No one thinks anythings is weird about her staring at this:

Also, what happened to the last 7 hours? It’s now 11pm?!?

She tells them that all registered sex offenders within five miles of the abduction site have been accounted for. Five miles?!? How fucking many sex offenders can there be in a five mile radius of one point?!? Good fucking lord, is Hawaii the natural habitat of Pedobear?!?

Special K also hacked Jenn’s Facebook profile, and it’s boring as shit. Danno, having a young daughter who’s a terrible actress, calls bullshit immediately, so they send Special K to get Jenn’s laptop to see if they can find her REAL Facebook page. Special K runs out, Jin runs in to say the hotlines are blowing up so he’s gotta bounce, but asks about the new girl. Danno confirms she’s cute, doesn’t draw any comparisons to the REAL Ms Swift, and says he’ll be surprised if she survives Sgt Slaughter’s boot camp.

McG makes no promises…

Also, the clock appears to be going backwards. Is it counting down from 24? I mean…I guess it is. I wish they’d have made that clear…

Cut over to Boomer, who comes home from doing who-knows-what to find some guy in her house, going through her shit. Not one to mince words, Boomer pulls a gun. The guy is all like “Honey Badger don’t give a shit…” and then, after going through her whole yearbook, tells he she may want to take a seat.

Back at H50, Special K confirms the existence of a 2nd Facebook account. Duh. She also got a whole bunch of emails from some guy named Brandt (first red flag) who’s using a stock shot of a male model as his FB pic (2nd red flag) and whose account is only a few days old (third red flag). Everyone rushes over to the house to find this mystery mail.

At the house, Taylor Swift is quick to announce that, in the 6 pieces of fan mail, there’s nothing from a dude named Brandt. Then she goes all Simon Baker… “which means, she doesn’t want her parents to know about it…which means she’s hiding it, but not in the sock drawer or under the mattress, because those were hiding places when her PARENTS were kids, and the room is carpeted so nothing is hidden under the floorboards (and way to be retarded, Danno), but she’s very proud of her accomplishments, so rather than actually hiding the mail, she’s got it…AHA! sitting in one of her trophies, right out in the fucking open!!!” Like, seriously…how did they not already notice the letter sticking out the top of that bowl?!?

Seriously, Taylor…you should be fired for not noticing that to begin with.

I can’t believe the writers want us to see her as accomplished for finding this. Turns out, it’s a letter from someone informing Jenn that she’s adopted!!! Oh, but according to her parents, she was very well aware of that fact. She’s fucking 15…if she doesn’t, that’s below average parenting, even for America!!

Anyways, the letter told her to meet the mom behind the changing room. That’s a weird place to meet your mom…I mean, this isn’t alterna-lesbian-Kentucky…?

Her parents can’t believe their 15-year-old lied about something. Her parents…are…fucking…retarded.

Anyways, Taylor offers to take the letter to the crime lab, but McG insists that Special K do it instead. I’m convinced, at this point, that he likes Special K so much because of her boy haircut. I, however, can’t get over the fact that she was the super cute girl in 10 Things I Hate About You (which I saw when I was like 18, so it’s o-fucking-k for me to say that thankyouverymuch), and this haircut just does not fucking work.

Anyway, Danno calls him out on sidelining Taylor, but…well, can you blame him? It’d be a shame if anything happened to those gorgeous blonde locks or stunning green eyes or soft, pouty lips…dammit, I KNOW she’s gonna die in the not-so-distant future, and I might cry. Sadly I prefer brunettes…what’s gonna happen if they can Boomer?

I mean…please…keep…her…alive.

Anyways, Jin does what he does best and interrupts the everliving shit out of another Danno and McG moment to inform them that the kidnapper’s car had been found. They all head out, meaning McG drives Danno’s car and Jin rolls up on his mancycle. The car is empty, but they check the trunk and find Jenn’s jacket…covered in blood. That can’t bode well…Franklin tells McG that there’s very little chance that, if that’s Jenn’s blood, she’s still alive. McG tells Franklin he’s gotta run that blood stat so they know if it was her or not…

They find the owner of the car to be one Matt Porter, and Special K reads off the address, meaning McG teleports out there and kicks the door down without even knocking. Unfortunately, he’s not there, she’s not there, and the house is empty. Jin comes into the room and calls the other two to check something out.

This is Facebook stalking IRL.

They find a lot of fake IDs, and a lot of other stalkerish pictures, of either past or potential victims. Right when they think they’ve found a dead end, Jin pulls a Rupert Murdoch and hacks some voicemails to learn that Matt Porter has a predatory meet-up scheduled for the next morning.

Just then, Taylor storms into the room and asks to speak to McG. She’s figured out that she’s being sidelined, and she is none-too-pleased about it. She and McG have a little heart-to-heart, and then McG tells her to join him on the stakeout the next day because she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like her!

Jin and Boomer meet up to discuss the creepy IA dude that was in her house. She tells him that he asked her all the questions she’d already answered once, because he wanted to see if she was a good liar. Turns out IA is ruling on her case tomorrow. Sounds ominous.

So, the next day, at the coffee shop, McG is complaining bc Matt is running late. Taylor assures him that the guy will show, because how could anyone resist a piece of hot 16-year-old bait? The waitress stops by and tops off McG’s coffee, and the writers flat out steal the next bit. I just can’t remember from whom. It’s actually driving me crazy, talking about how just when you’ve got the perfect balance of cream and sugar and coffee, the waitress sneakily slips in and tops you off, thus destroying the balance you’d worked so hard to achieve.

It’s cute, in this alternative universe where she came up with this all on her own, I think McG is falling for her.

She then basically says she can’t believe someone as man as McG puts shit like cream and sugar in his coffee. Just goes to show you how soft our generation is compared to our parents, I guess. They get a little flirty in the only way McG knows how…discussing what they learned about each other from reading their files. This is definitely not the first time (nor will it be the last) that McG plays this card.

McG can only keep this up for so long, so he calls outside to Danno and Jin, who don’t care about this Porter character, and are only interested in hearing how the date is going. The jailbait starts getting her stuff together to leave, so Taylor hurries over to attempt to stall her, which does a great job of getting her to take off running. So McG and Taylor and Jin and Danno all take off running after this one little girl…

…affording McG the opportunity to jump onto the hood of a moving car.

They finally catch up, and it comes out that Matt Porter may not be such a bad dude after all. She tells them that he is an extractor, that he got her out of a cult. She contacted him again because she is afraid the cult wants her back.

McG and Taylor talk it through…why would Matt be trying to help Jenn, who wasn’t in a cult? Just then, Danno comes in and informs them that the blood in the car was a match to a gunshot victim that was found this morning…who just so happens to be Matt Porter. Welp, there goes that line of clues.

Thankfully, it turns out that just because he’s dead doesn’t actually mean this is a dead end. Porter is apparently the one who delivered Jenn to her new parents when she was a baby. They jump to the conclusion that Jenn’s real parents must be in a cult, and now they’ve got to figure out which cult that is.

Cut.

Boomer gets called into the IA hearing.

Cut.

Special K comes in and informs McG that many cults don’t allow their members to see doctors or take modern meds, and that with Jenn’s heart condition, her only chance of survival would be getting extracted. It’s all falling into place! McG asks her if there’s anything else she wants to tell him?

What, like about me and Wo Fat? No, not really…

McG presses the issue, and makes sure she knows that she can talk to him about anything…of course, so long as that anything doesn’t involve her being a double-agent. She tells him that word on the street is there’s a chance her fiancee may be alive! She says she’s planning on leaving as soon as the case is wrapped. Clever. What I read in this is that Wo Fat is her “fiancee”, and this is an elaborate scheme to allow her to bail now that he’s ready to GTFO of Hawaii. That way, they never know she was working with him, in case they ever return. Clever girl…

Jin hacks another voice mail…this time of Matt Porter…and finds out that he had one voicemail, from a random lady on a nearby island, which apparently is the home to a cult and not much else. They speculate that the lady who left the voicemail is possibly the birth mother, and she indicates in the message that her dad knows about Jenn. That sounds bad.

McG, Danno, and Taylor all head out there. The cop that meets them at the airstrip gives them a rundown, and then takes them to meet someone who’s been on the inside.  It turns out this random lady is the daughter of Carver, who’s in charge of the cult. The guy is giving them a little more intel, when some other dude comes into the convenience store where they’re having this little meeting. He takes one look at all the pretty people and realizes they’re not part of his little cult, and there’s a situation. He hurries back to his Jeep and drives off. McG asks the guy what the fastest way to the compound is…he replies by telling them there’s only one road in…unless…they can answer this one question:

Are horsies pretty?

I love that these guys, in their huge rush to get to the compound before Carver GTFO’s, are just letting their horses walk the whole way. I mean, I’ve only ridden a horse twice in my damn life, and I could comfortably move at least 3 times this fast. Oh well, I think they used the McG teleport button anyways, because they’re at the compound in no time.

On the compound, Jenn’s real mom is looking at her through the door. Carver walks up and yells at her, and sends her to her room, and then goes in to talk to Jenn. He tries to give her tea with some herbs to help her heart, and she doesn’t want any. He’s all like “Jenn, I am your (grand)father,” and she doesn’t care, she just wants to go back to her real (adoptive) family. Just then, the guy from in town runs in and tells Carver there’s a situation.

McG and Taylor and Danno sneak into the compound, and see 2 men walking with a lady with a bag over her head. They immediately assume it’s Jenn, and spring into action. They take the two guys without a shot being fired, which is wildly uncommon for McG. They pull the bag off her head, and it’s not Jenn, it’s her birthmom, who tells them that Carver knows they’re coming, and he took Jenn!! Just then, they get ambushed by a bunch of guys with rifles!

But what do a bunch of guys with rifles have on these two sexy motherfuckers?

Danno begs McG not to kill everyone, but even when he’s not trying to kill people, McG is killing people. Remember, McG doesn’t fire stray bullets. He gives them an opportunity, and they never blow that opportunity. As if to prove my point, one of the (soon-to-be) victims runs behind a wooden wall/fence, and McG fires off three shots into the wall…the man stumbles out dead on the other side…

While McG and Danno are pinned down, yet another guy with a gun gets the drop on Taylor.

I don’t think she’s cut out for this…seriously, how do you let a guy just walk up on you in a gunfight?

McG and Danno finish off the rest of the guys, not even noticing Taylor’s perile, so she takes matters into her own hands, grabs the dude’s gun, and smashes him in the face with it. A survivor for questioning!! The guy smugly tells them that Carver has a plane, which is where he’s taken Jenn, but they’ll never get there in time. McG’s all like “don’t tell me what I can’t do,” and takes off on his horse. Alone. This has all the makings of an epic finish. Ah, here we go, now this fucker can gallop on a horse. Please please let him jump from the horse onto the plane. Please.

Carver loads Jenn into the plane. I do have to ask about the fucking contradiction of owning a plane when you’re against modern anything (including live-saving medication)…

McG spots the plane, and kicks that horsey into overdrive. The plane starts moving down the runway. McG starts shooting at the plane…it’s a race. Can they plane get to 88mph before it runs out of runway?!? McG is still chasing and shooting, and then does the unthinkable…he dismounts!!! And then makes what I and everyone who has ever even seen a handgun, much less fired one, will mark down as the best mother fucking shot of all time. Well, after he teleports, again…

This is how far McG is from the plane right before he begins to dismount….

…and THIS is how far he is after he’s dismounted, squeezed off two quick shots, and then steadied himself to make the best mother fucking shot of all time.

Regardless, shooting the tire (the right one…the one you CAN’T EVEN SEE) from this distance with a 9mm would be nothing short of the most amazing shot ever. But McG doesn’t do anything that’s not at the very least amazing. I mean, this is a man that considers it a failure if he can’t make you orgasm by saying “hello” (gender non-specific).

So he blows out the tire, and now the plane can’t take off. McG rips Carver out of the plane and cuffs him, and delivers Jenn home.

Jenn’s birth mom tells Taylor that she knew when Jenn was born that she would die if she didn’t get medical help, and that’s why she got Porter to extract her as a baby, fake her death, and then get her adopted. A few weeks ago, though, Carver was in town and saw a magazine article about a girl with a heart condition who was doing this crazy paddle board crap and somehow just knew that it was her, and was determined to get her back.

McG comes and gets her to meet her daughter. Aw, it’s all very touching.

Back at H50 HQ, Special K is heading out. She says her tearful goodbye to everyone, and heads out. Just then, Jin gets a phone call from Boomer. Things don’t look so good. Cut to Jin storming into the head of the IA’s office. The guy tells him to fuck off, and walks out to a press conference.

Really, a press conference for a first-year officer’s dismissal?  That seems a bit…odd…anyway, he goes on to say that now the case is being passed on to possibly prosecute her criminally…

Poor Boomer.

I wonder when this little storyline will die, and Boomer will be back to work. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Taylor Swift, but she’ll never replace Boomer. Regardless, a guy can hope that he’ll get to watch BOTH of them hop aboard the epic takedown express.

Well, at least next week Locke returns…and Billy Baldwin, wtf? GIMME THE FUCKIN’ KEYS YOU FUCKIN’ COCKSUCKER!!!