After all this time of me asking for a normal-seeming murder, my wish is finally granted! A girl is just killed, and just discovered, and there are no plane crashes or sexy rendezvous involved. It’s CRAZY!!! I feel like I’m developing a major symptom of schizophrenia; delusions of grandeur – H50 writers, are you reading this? Are you? If you are, do you guys work in Hawaii? If so, please get me a job.
Ok, now that that’s out of the way, here we go.
The episode kicks off with some lady walking through what looks like Chinatown in Hawaii, seemingly paranoid. She gets into her apartment, shuts the door, and calls her boss. He doesn’t answer, so she leaves a voicemail saying something about how she thinks she’s being followed so she is going to email him some documents just in case. She walks into another room, and her computer is gone! Maybe she’s not so paranoid, after all! Then she hears a noise behind her, so she scurries under the bed, and then there are footsteps, and the footsteps stop….and YANK! She’s not under the bed anymore!!!
After the intro, we see Jin and Malaria about to enjoy a little afternoon delight. Jin goes and ruins a perfectly romantic moment by proposing to her…
Skyyyyyrockets in flight!
Then his phone rings, and he has to take it, because he’s mutha fuckin’ Five-0 and when his phone rings, it’s important.
So Jin rushes out to the crime scene, where Danno and Franklin fill the crew in on what happened. It turns out the dead girl was a journalist. Franklin points out that she was clearly hiding under the bed, and was dragged out then killed. Jin speaks with her editor, who mentions the paranoid message coming from around midnight, which fits with the TOD. Then Taylor of all people notices that the computer tower is missing. Did no one notice this until right now? It’s not hard to spot the dangling cables…and I’d think that at least doing a cursory search of the place is SOP in an investigation…So they all jump to the conclusion that whatever she was working on is what got her killed…
They bring her editor into the office to chat, and he lets them know that she had blown the whistle on a company called Athis a few weeks ago for illegal dumping, and cost them hundreds of millions of dollars. On a side note, “illegal dumping” has to be one of my favorite terms ever. Anyway, she’d been receiving death threats ever since, but apparently only one was deemed “legitimate.” He plays it for them, and this guy sounds ridiculous. I can almost hear him say “do you ever think there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking?”
They bring him in, and he tells them that he was hired to dig up some dirt and scare her off. He says he didn’t kill her, though, and hopes that someone says a really nice eugoogaly for her…
What? Did you think I didn’t know what a eugoogaly was?
He tells them that he followed her to a little lone-wolf house near Mauii a couple days ago, but all he could find was the mail was addressed to Jane Woodland. He said he flew home that night and staked out her place in Chinatown. He tells them that he saw a guy enter her building five minutes before her, and that he then came booking down the fire escape , possibly with her computer, 15 minutes later. He could only get a partial plate, but hopes that’s better than nothing.
In some park somewhere, McG is meeting with…Special K! She’s back? This can’t be going anywhere good…she tells McG that she’s located her fiance. He’s alive, but being held hostage in North Korea. The US of A clearly can’t help, so she’s turned to McG the One Man Army. She says she sold her parents’ house to come up with the quarter mil they’re asking in ransom, so all she needs is McG to come to North Korea with her to watch her back. That’s not an unreasonable request for someone you’ve only known for 6 months or so…
Danno tries to remind him that North Korea isn’t exactly Hawaii. Danno is concerned. McG tells him everything will be fine…just
Doooon’t STOP! Be-LIEEEEV-IN!
Taylor asks what’s going on, and Danno tells her it’s NBD, he’s a Navy Seal after all.
Out near Mauii, Jin and Boomer are tracking down the lead on Jane Woodland. They talk to the landlord and confirm the reporter paid Jane a visit a couple days ago. He shows them a picture of Jane…
So clearly if she was lying about heading back to DC, what else has she been lying about?!? Well, she knows Wo Fat, for one…
So in North Korea, McG and Special K arrive at the exchange site. A bunch of N Koreans hop out of a truck with a guy with a bag on his head. McG instantly notices that it’s not her fiance, and suddenly he finds himself in a tight spot.
Damn, we’re in a tight spot!
The open fire on McG, but he takes cover behind a tree shoots at them until they all run away. That’s weird, right? They outnumber him five to one, and they all run away? I mean, I know it’s McG and all, but his odds of success here are only like 85%. I mean, you’re not gonna get odds like that against McG often, so when you do, you gotta take them. Unless you know something that will further tip the odds in your favor…
McG hears the click of a handgun behind him.
I guess this counts as tipping the scales further in your favor…but I hope she brought her Depends…
She apologizes to him, probably in a desperate attempt to soften his wrath when he inevitably gets out of whatever bad situation she’s just landed him in. Then someone comes up behind him and clunks him on the head, and down he goes. He looks up, and…it turns out the guy with the bag over his head was Wo Fat! That would seem like so much more clever a ploy were it not for the hilarious lack of attention to detail, such as Wo Fat’s Asian skin tone being flaunted when he’s supposed to be her not-so-Asian fiancee.
McG is led through the Korean jungle with a rope around his neck. All those N Koreans who fled the gunfight are all tough now, and one keeps shoving McG and telling him things in N Korean like “we’re gonna torture you,” and “you’re fucked now, bro,” and “how did you get those abs?!? They’re incredible! Was it the shakeweight?” On a related note, at some point, McG’s shirt gets unbuttoned. You’ve gotta love the gratuitous and nonsensical midriff shots, right?
Oops, half of my shirt got ripped clean off by a giant tiger monster…weird!
Back at H50 HQ, they’re all very worried, Danno especially. They can’t reach McG on his sat phone. Obviously something has gone horribly wrong since Special K has been playing them all this time. They decide that, since they can’t get ahold of McG, they’d better get on with solving the murder and hope that helps McG. They track down someone based on the partial plate they were given, but as they break into his hotel room they hear a gunshot, and it turns out the dude offed himself.
Then they see the hard drive from the reporter’s computer. They think they’ve caught a break, until they realize the guy is running a virus to destroy the data. Oh no, it’s wiping the hard drive! Thank goodness they brough boomer along, who plugs a thumb drive into the USB port and smashes a few keys on the keyboard. Really? I love how TV shows misrepresent computers so damn badly.
They’re able to recover “scattered bits of data” from the HDD, and among those scattered bits is the article the reporter was working on. It references something called Operation: Switchback. The CIA claims it knows nothing about it, but apparently transferred Taylor to JSOC so they could be the ones to tell her. Hah. Danno realizes this means he can go to Locke and hopefully he can help out. Locke is hanging out with that Wade guy from the Marines from a few episodes back, and neither of them are too helpful until Danno mentions that McG may be in trouble in N Korea.
Speaking of North Korea, Special K demands to see her fiancee, so Wo Fat has one of the guards lead her to a room.
Alas, unless she’s into necrophilia, this was all for naught.
She uses the chair her dead fiancee was tied to to bar the door, and then takes the sat phone out of her pocket. I can’t believe no one searched her…oh, you guys…
Now that she realizes her fiancee is dead, she uses the sat phone to call Danno…she tells him she’s made a huge mistake, and tries to give him their location, but starts breaking up, and then more guards come and start trying to break in to the room. She throws the sat phone out an open window (what the fuck?), and then digs into her fiancee’s rotting flesh to retrieve a little metal pin, clearly intended for escape. Lucky for her, he apparently never tried to use it. She then sits down and cries while the guards come in and take her to Wo Fat.
Back at H50 HQ, Locke gives them the brief rundown on Operation Switchback. This was the Op that Special K was running that led her fiancee into capture. It also turns out that the non-redacted version of the Op report makes mention of a bunker not far from Kason, so it could be where McG and Special K are being held! Unfortunately, the new gov’nah can’t help them out at all, so what are they gonna do? They have to save McG! ROAD TRIP!!!
Everybody had better pee before we go, because if we have to stop for a bathroom break, so help me I will end you.
So the gang all arrives at the airfield and sees Locke loading medical supplies into the plane. Danno…always the genius…asks why. Well, because they need a cover for flying to Seoul, South Korea, since you can’t just say “well, we’re only stopping in on our way into North Korea.”
Locke lets them know how serious this is. They’ll likely be killed, and if they’re not they’ll probably be jailed for treason. Now is the time to back out, if anyone is going to. Of course, no one does…I think they’re all like “Bitch, please, if McG doesn’t come back, we’re all fucked anyways. No one will watch our show.”
Just then Wade and the dude McG Supa-manned out of the sky arrive and sign on as well. That’s good, because they’ll need the help I’m sure.
Back at the Bunker, Special K gets dragged into the room McG is in, and is locked up. McG is all like “bitch, you betrayed me,” and she’s all like “yeah, I know, but it would’ve been worth it if I’d gotten my man back,” and he’s like “bitch, please. One night with me and you would’v e been satisfied for life.”
I’ve made a huge mistake…
She tells McG a story about her fiancee, and how his car broke down when he was supposed to meet her for a date, and it was raining, so he decided to take his bike, and was hit by a car, and then proposed to her in the hospital. So that’s why it was worth trading McG? Nope. She tells McG that she had gotten word from a reporter that her fiancee was alive, so it wasn’t like she was just taking Wo Fat at his word or anything. McG explains that Wo Fat was the reporter’s source.
The McG rescue team has been able to locate the bunker. Unfortunately, there are no roads into the bunker, so they need to find a choppa…and preferably some weapons. Locke says he knows a guy. That guy just happens to be Jimmy Buffet. He offers Locke and Danno a shot of something, and Danno says “no, I’m more of a Margarita guy.”
See, writers?!? MUCH better than the stupid Heroes humor. Bravo!
Locke tells him he’s gotta collect on the debt, and that he’s gonna need tangerine.
That’s a weird lookin’ tangerine.
I’m having trouble figuring out whether or not this is supposed to be another allusion (It’s an illusion, Michael…a trick is what a whore does for money). I’ve never been a big Buffett fan, so if this is obvious, whoops. Oh well.
The whole crew is terrified that they have to fly in this thing, but Jimmy assures them it’ll be just fine. Boomer sets up satellite recon to give them eyes, and they take off.
Back in the bunker, Wo Fat is torturing McG with a cattle prod, asking what he knows about Shelbourne. McG tells him that he knows nothing, and wouldn’t tell him, and do your worst!!!
What…what are you doing? Nickelback?!?!? Nooo! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Wo Fat starts getting annoyed, and puts down the cattle prod and just beats on him for a bit. Then McG comes to a realization…Wo Fat doesn’t know about Shelbourne, either. Oh, the intrigue!!
Just then, a guard comes in and hands Wo Fat the satellite phone that Special K threw out the window. Wo Fat leaves the room with him, just long enough for Special K to throw the lockpick over to McG. Then he walks back in, and…
Wo Fat shoots like everyone else on Five-0. Two in the chest.
Rule #4 – Double Tap.
Wo Fat walks back over to McG, who inexplicably loses his shit over Special K’s death. He spoils the ending by telling Wo Fat he’s gonna kill him! Wo Fat calmly tells McG that they’re leaving on a jet plane in an hour, so he’d better be ready to take them to Shelbourne. McG uses the lockpick to get out of his chains, and begins to sneak out. He pauses to close Special K’s eyes. On the way out, he literally chokes a dude out in 5 seconds.That guy must be the world’s biggest chain-smoker. Just as McG gets out of the bunker, a bunch of guys with guns surround him, and Wo Fat knocks his ass out again. This seems to be a recurring theme.
Wo Fat accelerates the timetable, which is probably not ideal for the McG rescue party. Locke tells them they’ll be dropped off 6 clicks from the bunker. I mean, that’s a long fucking way. On a side note, I googled “how far is a click,” because I’m not in the military so I didn’t know for sure, and the top answer on Yahoo! answers was “a click is 3280 feet, or .62 miles.” Or a kilometer, geez…but if you need proof that America runs the internet, that’s it. I’m not proud of it…
But anyways, that’s almost 4 miles, which at a good pace is still going to take you about an hour to cover with all your gear and taking care not to run into trees. For me, that’s probably a half day trip…
The chopper drops off almost everyone, except Boomer who’s still running the satellite intel, and Taylor, who is just keeping Jimmy Buffett company. The group makes remarkable time, even in TV world, and are at the Bunker almost immediately…
They search through the bunker and find Special K, and now Danno gets a little misty. Locke tells everyone that she’s still warm, so she hasn’t been dead long, and thus the bad guys can’t have gotten far.
Just then, Boomer rings in and lets Jimmy B and Taylor know that she’s picked up movements not far away. Taylor tells Jimmy that they need to get eyes on the caravan, so they head over to find them, forgetting all about the fact that there are only 2 of them, and they’re leaving their support in the bunker.
Jimmy tells Taylor they gotta slow they convoy down, and that he’s got an RPG in the back, and it’s “pretty much like a gun, just point and shoot.”
Is it weird that this is kind of turning me on…?
Wo Fat is unfazed by this. He tells the driver to turn around so they can head back the way they came…which works out well, because it leads them right back to the McG rescue squad. The toss smoke grenades out, and open fire on all the guys that jump out of the car.
Who would’ve thought this guy was a tree hugger? (groooaaaannnnn)
When the smoke clears, they run in and find McG. Somehow, however, Wo Fat snuck away and fled into the jungle. When they get back to the LZ, Taylor jumps out of the chopper and hugs McG. Aw, they’ll make some pretty babies.
One more for good measure.
So they fly on out of there, and Jin asks McG to be his best man, and everyone smiles and laughs and is happy, because McG is alive.
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!