Hawaii Five-0 recap: Clubbing Seals

Like so many of these shows, Hawaii Five-0 occasionally uses the sexy kids having sexy time in a sexy location to start their episodes.

Exhibit A

I feel a little strange about the choice of music in the background. Don’t get me wrong…I love Silversun Pickups, it just…to me…heavily distorted music doesn’t fit in with a beautiful natural pool in the middle of the Hawaiian jungle.

Also, I’m pretty sure this natural little pool was used in LOST, right? Anyways, their sexy swim session is interrupted by a pretty wicked thunderstorm, so they GTFO the water and head back to wherever.

As they giggle and run through the jungle, they stumble across a tent. Never having seen a horror movie before, the guy yells to see if anyone is around. There’s no reply, and his girlfriend insists that they can’t just go into the tent…his reply?

“Are you kidding? We’ve gotta get out of this rain!”

“Hey, dumbdick, we’re wearing bathing suits, and just came from SWIMMING! Why is rain a problem?!?”

They open the tent, and there’s a dead guy inside! The girl screams. The manly man who was just talking about how they have to get out of the rain before his guyliner smears stoically walks over and puts his arms around her to calm her down. Otherwise he’s all like “it’s nbd…”

INTRO!!!

We come out of the intro to McG firing daddy’s old rifle. As expected, he’s a perfect shot. Locke is there, and commends him on his awesomeness. Then Locke takes on a target much farther away, and puts 2 in the head. So apparently Locke is quite the long shot. McG asks him when he’s going back.

The island isn’t done with me yet seemed like a pretty good place to wind it down…

Seriously, writers. You missed what we like to call a GOLDEN opportunity. It’s sad…despite how absurd this show is, it seems to take itself too seriously for little things like that. And for anyone that wants to remind me that LOST was on ABC, and this is CBS…well, Chuck was NBC, and referenced Oceanic 815, so…just man up and have some fun, writers!!

Just then, Locke gets a call, and it’s about the dead guy. He and McG head down to the morgue, where McG learns that the dead guy is a Navy Seal, and that the cause of death is a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Locke calls shenanigans, on the grounds that he trained this guy, and (I quote) “he wouldn’t kill himself.” McG says he’ll look into it…which means he goes to Franklin and tells him to reopen the case. Franklin is none-too-pleased, because his BOSS was the one who performed the autopsy, but McG is insistent.

Jin waits outside Boomer’s house to give her a pep-talk.

Judging by her attire, Boomer is not interested in a pep talk.

I love it, how Boomer, the good cop, is suddenly and pointlessly thrust into a downward spiral. I feel like this side-story is turning into one of those made-for-Sunday-school movies where a group of friends rally to save a friend who’s hopelessly circling the drain, armed with nothing but the power of unconditional love. Such as  this. Also, holy fuck, the wiki article for that movie is about the same length as the wiki article for the Higgs boson.

How do I even know about this movie? I…I don’t know…

McG introduces Locke to Taylor Swift, and suddenly Franklin shows up dressed like inspector gadget, trying to remain inconspicuous. He pops a USB drive into the fancy Five-0 computer (I like how everyone just knows how to use this thing…and I’m a computer geek and would be pretty lost), and explains that the Seal was actually murdered. Because this is a gorram Seal, it’d be pretty tough to fake a suicide without rendering him unconscious first, so Max runs off to perform a tox screen.

McG, Jin, and Locke head out into the jungle and find the camp site, where they speculate that the poor bastard Seal’s marriage was coming to a close, so he wanted to get away and think things through. Near the camp site, Jin finds a bottle of whiskey, with some shit floating in it.

Danno and Taylor head over to talk to the Seal’s wife…

Leila Fucking Buchanan.

Well, like 5 of you probably watched The Ev3nt, so…I guess that doesn’t mean too much.

She tells them that she had fallen out of love with her Seal husband, and he was convinced that she was having an affair with her boss. She tells them she wasn’t, that it was just the falling out of love thing. After they leave, TS and Danno have a little moment in the car. She notices him touching his ring finger or something, and asks him about his marriage, which is kind of a sore subject for him. It turns out that she was almost married, but she doesn’t elaborate. They head off to meat with Leila’s boss.

McG and crew are walking through the jungle, and suddenly McG yells for Jin to stop in his tracks! He almost tripped some tripwire, which would’ve effectively gotten his leg blown off by a shotgun shell. They wonder why such a trap is planted in the middle of the jungle, and suddenly…

McG notices a hidden camera, and so he and the boys start tearing up the crop hoping the gardeners are nearby. Turns out they are, and they hurry out and give chase to McG  & Co in their Jeep. McG has other plans, though, and turns Hawaii into the Forest Moon of Endor again.

Man, the boys are gonna FLIP when they see the trap I have laid out for them…

McG manages to take them all alive, and interrogates the head honcho. The guy says that yeah, he saw the Seal, but he didn’t kill him. He says someone else came and tripped the cameras, too, though…but his description of the guy is rather vague… “some Haole…you all look the same.” McG tells Taylor Swift to get the tapes of the security cams from the druggies.

Danno is quick to point out that this girl could possibly become McG’s new special fuckbuddy somebody…McG doesn’t take the bait, but instead asks Danno what they learned from the Seal’s wife. Danno tells him about the suspected affair, and that he believes that Leila wasn’t screwing around. He also tells McG who the affair is supposedly with, but also that he has strong doubts about this guy’s ability to kill a Seal and make it look like an accident.

Jin shows up at the crime lab, and Boomer’s not-quite-love-interest is there. He asks about Boomer, and why she won’t return his calls. Normally I’d say “take a fucking hint, bro,” but it does kind of seem like perhaps she’s ignoring him because of the whole “good girl gone bad” thing than because she doesn’t like the guy. Jin tells him as much. He gets what he came for, and runs back to H50, because the shit in the bottle of whiskey is horse tranquilizer, and the prints on the bottle belong to the guy that Leila was supposedly having an affair with…

Oh, dammit.

The meeting doesn’t go so well, as McG basically physically assaults the guy, only to learn that he’s not the killer. Oh well. In the car on the way back, Danno is hung up on how much this guy had done to try to save his marriage, only to fail, and he realizes that if he’d put forth this much effort, he’d probably still be married. McG tells him to stuff it, and then Franklin calls. Back at the morgue, there’s another dead Seal. This guy’s death was made to look like a traffic accident, where his truck went off a bridge, but Franklin is too smart for that shit. McG jumps to the conclusion that someone is whacking off the members of this Seal team.

McG and Locke head over to some Navy Seal training facility, and Locke chats up one of his old buddies. They try to get him to give them a list of all members of this Seal team, but he won’t do it. They appeal to him a bit more, and he tells them to meet him at a tiki bar that night.

That night, Kono is still wearing the same outfit she was dropped of wearing that morning…weird. I guess she really is having trouble dealing with this whole ex-cop thing. She and the other goons she’s with head into a dry cleaning place, and Jin watches them, disappointedly, from the shadows. In a back room, Billy Baldwin is playing poker with some folks, but folds his hand and leaves the game when Boomer walks in. Turns out he has a job offer for her…but before they go any further he wants her to tell him about an upcoming police raid…

Boomer is well on her way to the Dark Side…

McG and Locke meet up with the Navy guy, who tells them that someone hacked their systems and got the list of everyone on that Seal team. Other than that, all he can tell them is that the remainder of that team is being brought back to base for safekeeping. He thanks them for the beer and leaves. McG is not very pleased with this guy’s lack of cooperation, but Locke notices that the dude left a newspaper from a year ago.

They take this info back to base, where Taylor has already whipped up a ton of info. Turns out an article in that paper is in reference to a raid that this Seal team did a year ago which took out the leaders of a cartel. The leader’s brother was not present, and thus wasn’t killed, and instead pulled the cartel back together and swore revenge on his brother’s killers. So this all makes sense now. Taylor also tells them that the other haole at the weed grove is a hit man who is known to be associated with the cartel. She also lets them know that this hit man is staying in a beach house nearby.

The whole group raids the house, but it’s empty. Jin finds a room full of info on all of the Seals. Locke gets a call that all but one Seal is back on base…bad news…according to the schedule the hit man has taped to the wall, that guy is set to skydive right about now. Whoops.

At the airstrip, said Seal shows up at the plane he’s planning on leaping out of. The hitman is there, posing as the pilot. He tells the seal to make sure he hydrates, and tosses him a bottle of water. The Seal doesn’t notice that the seal has been broken, and drinks it up.

This tastes like a terrible idea…

In the air, the horse tranqs have done their job, and the Seal is unconscious. The hit man puts the plane on auto-pilot, and heads to the back. He gets the guy ready to be tossed out of the plane, and then does a little maintenance on his parachute.

Though won’t this kind of ruin the whole “make it look like an accident” bit?

I mean, the guy is already unconscious, why is he cutting the lines? I don’t really understand all that. He may as well have just taken the parachute off the guy and then tossed him out. Whatever. Anyways, he checks to make sure the coast is clear and then tosses the guy out of the plane.

Then, as if from nowhere, here comes McG!!!

Seriously, where the fuck did he come from?!?

There’s literally no evidence of any aircraft around aside from the one the Seal was thrown out of, and yet here’s McG, thousands of feet above the ground. Can he fly? Is that something we should know? McG catches the Seal and tries to strap him in, but loses him again! Oh no! But, fear not, McG is an expert skydiver, like he is an expert everything else. He remains calm and catches the Seal again, straps him in, and pulls his ‘chute!

Danno and Jin are at the airstrip when the plane lands, and get the drop on the hit man. The guy tries to pull a gun, and so Danno and Jin put him down.

As thanks for saving the rest of those Seals, the crew gets to watch the Seal team (remotely, of course) take down the cartel for good. Everyone is very impressed that McG used to do this stuff…but no one seems to care that he can either jump thousands of feet into the air, or fly.

And then, to close things out, Boomer is sitting around in her PJs, and then opens her laptop. She uses Jin’s info to log into the police database, presumably to get the info that Billy Baldwins asked for.

I can only hope that she’s doing this as undercover work for HPD (which would be pretty consistent with the whole incredibly public dismissal she received), but it seems weird because she’s clearly very apprehensive about using Jin’s login info.