Hawaii Five-0 Recap: Deja Kids Got Kidnapped Again…

Man, did they pick a bad episode to rerun during the off-week, am i right? A bunch of kids get kidnapped, one parent decides that McG isn’t good enough, and then McG proves him wrong. That’s the general gist of this episode…and of the rerun starring the terribad Nick Lachey and Vanessa Manillo. I’m glad that some of you noticed it, too. Whoever made this decision apparently is in a feud with the writers of this show…and wants to make them look bad. Worse. Whatever…

Anyways, this week’s episode kicks off with the Lt Gov’nah honoring H50 for some major drug bust. This guy is apparently just tragically bad at giving speeches. He’s completely still, doesn’t know what to do with his hands, can’t figure out where to look, and pauses for effect at the worst possible times. Kinda like me in bed.

Anyhoo, this speech is dragging on, and I’m not really listening…

…and neither are they…

Apparently they grabbed a bunch of drugs off a columbian fishing vessel, and in doing so sent a message to the South American cartels that Hawaii is not to be fucked with. Is is it just me, or does H50 recovering millions in drugs sound like an episode that probably should have been made? Seems like a shame, right? Well, the important thing is, this episode that happened off the camera is what makes this week/s episode possible.

Also, McG uses this opportunity to make fun of Danno for wearing a tie again, and Boomer makes sure Danno knows that she digs ties…

This will happen…oh, yes…this will happen…

The whole time this speech is going on, a bus full of kids is heading somewhere for a field trip. Who knows where. Who cares, really, because anyone who’s ever watched this show is pretty aware that these kids aren’t going to make it to their destination. And, right on queue (as the gov’nah is wrapping up his speech about how H50 is making The Island a safer place), the bus comes upon a car wreck…and it’s blocking most of the road. The bus driver stops the bus and steps off to see if everyone is ok, which is really silly since they’re both standing comfortably outside their vehicles.

Needless to say, he gets what he deserves…

Everyone on the bus screams and panics, and the two “crash victims” hop on the bus and drive away with the children and chaperones. Looks like someone is mad about the seizure of nearly $100 million in Coke. I, personally, am mad that I wasted by Diabetes joke in the minicap. So…have a picture of Wilford Brimley.

INTRO!!!

Well, as Locke said, there would be repercussions for that little trip to Korea. Seems that the Navy found out what he did, and aren’t so please. Well, except that the officer presiding over the hearing seems more like he wants to high-five him than discharge him. Locke leaves the hearing, and tells McG that the Navy is giving him an opportunity to pursue his dreams. McG is angry and confused by the decision, probably because he either doesn’t understand that their actions could literally have sparked World War III, or because he doesn’t see what would be so bad about being responsible for starting World War III. Either way, Locke has to talk him down, because the board has spoken. McG feels bad because it’s his fault and Lock is all like “no, it was my decision to go to North Korea to save your dumb ass from certain death.” Locke tells him to get over it, and they’ll be even if McG will buy him dinner.

Also, apparently they covered up the involvement of the Marines…ya know, Officer what’s-his-name and Lois Lane. I mean, they didn’t really do anything anyways…

Just then, McG’s phone rings, and it’s the call about the kids. He shows up at the scene of the dead bus driver, and AFTER the whole conversation about how the driver probably got off the bus to see what was going on with the accident and was shot and that’s how the bad guys got the bus, McG is all like “Holy fuck, guys!! This accident! It was staged!!! Look, no skid marks!”

On the bus, the crazy Columbian chick is waving around her pistol and demanding that everyone put their cell phones in a bag. One of the teachers or chaperones or whatever hides a phone under her daughter’s phone under her leg so she can try to be the hero. As soon as the lady passes, she pulls it out and starts sending a text.

Ah, typing a text with one finger…that’s a GREAT way to get a message out before someone notices you didn’t hand over your phone…

Seriously, that’s hardly the only thing wrong her.

1. First, yeah, bitch…you’re sitting next to a second grader. That kid can probably hammer out a text message faster than I could type the same words on a full-sized keyboard. Major strategic mistake not to hand it over.

2. The text is directed to (in case you can’t read it in the picture) “South Shore School.” I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume that South Shore School is probably a fucking land line…therefor good luck getting a text through to them…

3. This was her daughter’s phone. The one with the Hello Kitty cover. What are the odds of a second-grader having her school’s office number in her phone? Zero, that’s what.

4. She didn’t turn the fucking sound off (with the super-easy switch on the side of the iPhone) before she started texting. How do I know this? Because you can gorram HEAR it when she’s typing.

The CCC goes all Rick James on that bitch and puts a hand upside her head and reminds everyone that this is what “heroes” get. Five fingers. SLAP!

Back at the school, Boomer is telling the parents that H50 is awesome and will totally get their kids back, because, let’s be honest, H50 is awesome, and will totally get their kids back for them. The parents are asking all sorts of boring parent questions like “will I ever see my kids again,” so McG walks up and saves her from them.

FUCK! Those parents are almost as annoying as their kids!!

So inside the school is where H50 has decided to make their temporary HQ. Taylor tells Jin and Danno that both cars involved in the wreck were both stolen…hijacked, even. And the hijacker…that douchenozzle from the muscle cars episode. LOL! What a punk! Out on bail and already working again. Well, he had an ankle bracelet, so they can track where he went and maybe figure out more about the kidnappers…

As always with this show, now that they’re talking about the carjacker, HPD calls to tell them that the carjacker and his anklet are on the move. Down a muddy dirt road. And McG takes Danno’s car.

Just think of all those Lexus and Audi and BMW SUV’s that never see this kind of action…

So they’re hauling ass dow  n this dirt road and Danno is watching a blinking light on an iPad to try to determine what truck he’s in. Danno can’t figure it aout because it’s just a blinky light on a road on a map, so they keep driving past all the trucks until they’re right on top of the dot, then pull the first one over.

Looks like someone got sick of boosting cars and hitched a ride on the Pineapple Express…

And just then…the phone rings. And it’s the kidnappers. Gotta love the people that toy with McG. Like they just wanna get fucked. She uses Facetime, because I guess she knows that he’s got an iPhone, too…and clearly they don’t have AT&T since you can’t video chat on 3G with them.

Come to think of it, WHAT THE FUCK! McG gets a better cell signal on a fucking mud road on an island than I do in gorram Chicago! This hardly seems fair…

Anyway, she tells McG that their ransom demand is all that Coke that was seized, or kids start dying. And now for further proof that McG might actually be retarded…

Wait, wait…guys! This kidnapping has nothing to do with any of the parents…this kidnapping…this kidnapping is about US!!!

Oh, hell. Just start parading him around naked, that’s all he’s good for anymore. Throw a little glitter on him and he’d be slightly more sexy and slightly less retarded than your average Vegas stripper. I mean, seriously, no one is gonna believe he’s only doing this to pay his way through law school…

At H50 HQ, they show the video call to the gov’nah, who says “we don’t negotiate with terrorists.” Correct. Gov asks if they’ve had any luck with the search teams, even though obviously the answer is “no” since McG hasn’t literally ripped off his clothes and flown across the island to rescue everyone. Instead, they’re still at square one. They tell the gov’nah that they only guy who survived the raid last week was some dude name Vargas, and the Gov not-so-subtly approves torture if necessary.

So they go visit Vargas, and he isn’t so cooperative. They threaten bodily harm and all that, and then afterwards try to appeal to his emotions. I think that may be the wrong order to go about things…

Now he’s scared and sad at the same time…not a very helpful combination.

He tells them that the bad man knows where his family is, and will kill them all if he finds out that he helped McG. McG promises protection for the guy and his family, and the guy gives them a name. Hugo Castillo. I swear, it’s like these writers have a Hispanic Namer Generator in the office.

HAHA DO MINE DO MINE!

VICTOR SUAREZ!!!

NICE, BRO! YOU LOOK LIKE A VICTOR!!!!

…my name IS Victor, asslick. THIS GAME SUCKS!!!

Oh, right, so anyway, as they’re leaving jail, McG sees Locke show up. Locke tells McG that rather than retiring the conventional way, he’s spending his golden days tracking down Wo Fat. They have to find this “Shelbourn” before he does, and time’s a-runnin’ out! Locke was a the prison to see Mr Noshimori (‘member him?), who apparently has already been released, so Locke is now off the chase the guy down before he gets off the island.

Something’s rotten in the state of Hawaii.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer, Jin, and Taylor are all talking about how fucked they are if they don’t find these kids. Also, they’re talking about that Castillo prick, who apparently killed his way to the top of a cartel, and is now being a real asshole and kidnapping kids and shit. Act like you’ve been the before, amiright? Also, they discuss how Vargas’s role is just to sit on a stack of Coke in the back of a windowless van. Boomer thinks she can talk to him and get more info…so she goes back and starts asking him more questions about where they deliver the drugs.

Is it secret?!? Is it SAFE?!?

Using his stupid half-assed descriptions, and based on a lot of her questions, he gives her some info that she’s sure will help them find the bus of kids.

Back at H50 HQ, they finally have the data from the carjacker’s anklet. Apparently he was everywhere on the island, so that’s useless. Just then TS comes in to let McG know a parent wants to talk to him.

Of course, the guy is all hot and bothered because some assholes stole his kid, but seriously…maybe think twice before stepping onto McG’s turf and picking a fight with him. Adorably, Taylor immediately has McG’s back. They tell the guy to back off and let them continue being awesome, and he does.

Cut to Mr Noshimori and his kid walking through some nice looking building, talking about how Mr Noshimori is working on being extradited to Japan. His kid is fucking Simon Lee. Have we see him before? Or just the rest of the cast of that damn show. Based on Simon showing up, I’ve got a pretty good theory how today’s episode will end…

Noshimori is explaining to his kid that he has to leave, and can’t tell him why, and they’re waiting on the elevator, and it arrives, and Locke is in it. He pulls a gun, tells Simon to stay the fuck back, and Noshimori hops on the elevator.

McG’s phone rings, and it’s the kidnappers again! McG asks for proof the hostages are alive prior to giving up the Coke. The guy kidnapper walks on to the bus and grabs an adult and brings him outside, and one of the little brat kids apparently JUST notices that his dad knows one of the kidnappers…Anyway, they bring the guy outside and shoot him in the leg so McG can see him scream and thus know he’s alive. I think a simple “sir, are you alive?” would have sufficed, right?

She tells him to put the Coke in a cop truck (yeah, I’m gonna keep capitalizing “Coke” this whole recap, just for fun), and when she sees him on the road, she’ll call him with further instructions.

Just then, Jin and Boomer run in and tell everyone else that they used Vargas’s directions and tracking anklet to narrow down a location where the bus is probably being hidden! Time for hilarious McG moment #3. He hops on the bus, walks ALL the way to the back, and only THEN realizes that the kids are no longer on the bus…

Sorry, Mario, but the princess is in another castle…

Upon scouring the bus, Jin finds a note tucked away in one of the seats, courtesy of the teacher. It says that Jason Schaefer has seen one of the kidnappers talking to his dad. The dad, of course, is the guy that came to talk to McG earlier. Uh oh…

Taylor and Danno head to the school to find Mr Schaefer, only they can’t. According to his wife, he got a phone call and stepped away. I see where this is going!!!

At H50 HQ, McG is talking the gov into giving him the Coke to give back to the bad guys. Gov isn’t liking it, but they convince him that they’re only using it as bait, and it won’t get back on the streets. They swear. McG stuffs a transponder into one of the bricks, and then brilliantly puts it on the top of one of the bags of Coke. McG tells the kidnappers he’s doing his part, and they tell him to shut up and they’ll talk after he’s delivered. He pulls up, and sees a van, into which he must deposit all that Coke.

He loads the Coke into the van, and suddenly Jin can’t get a read on the trackers! Something’s horribly wrong! Horribly wrong!! He keeps telling McG that there’s a problem, but doesn’t know what. Oh, wait, shit, run!!!

Big Bada-Boom…

McG freaks out. He’s not hurt, but it appears that the bomb wasn’t actually meant for him.

Seriously, whyd’ they blow up their own stash?!? McG makes up for his dumb moments with a smart one…”Oh, dammit, they blew up ALL our evidence against that one guy we have in jail!!” Who is apparently a bigger deal than they thought.

Yeah…back in the jail…they discover that Vargas Kaiser Soze’d the shit out of them…and Danno intelligently mentions that the Coke was all blown up.

Suddenly, we’re back with the kids and the teacher is telling them they’re going to be ok…until someone decides to start burying the truck they’re in…

At H50 Boomer sprints in to tell Danno and McG that the call that came in that lead to the drug bust was Schaefer. Apparently Schaefer owns the stash pad, and apparently their relationship went south. So the bad guys destroyed the evidence and got Schaefer’s kid…call that a twofer.

And then…after running his phone records…they find that Schaefer got a text to head to Hawaiian Cement to try to ransom his kid.

Yeah…this isn’t good…

Schaefer stands around screaming “HELLO?!?” until CCC shows up and points a gun at him. She tells him it’s too late to let the kids go, and he shouldn’t have fucked with the cartel, and yadda yadda. Just then, H50 shows up. CCC grabs Schaefer for a hostage and runs behind some machinery as H50 gets into position. Then she abandons the pointing the gun at the hostage strategy and opens fire on McG, so Schaefer runs off. Not smart.

Danno chases after Schaefer, as the rest of H50 practices shooting wildly and not hitting anything. They must have gone to the Stormtrooper Academy. CCC runs out of Ammo, so she takes off running, and McG books it after her. Meanwhile, Danno is still chases Schaefer. More cops show up! Schaefer reaches a dead end, and Danno catches him, and Schaefer was just looking for his kid.

Taylor and McG are still hunting CCC when they split up…never a wise move. Out of nowhere, CCC up and tackles her. Into the mud. Man, they fucked this scene up bad.

Good start…

But after this, CCC punches TS once, turns around, grabs the gun, and the fight is over. No squirming. No rolling in the mud. No tearing each other’s shirts off. WHAT KIND OF SHOW IS THIS?!?!

Anyways, as she’s about to pop Taylor, McG shoots her. He’s asking her where the kids are, and suddenly, now that there’s no shooting going on, they hear screaming!!!

Good thing there’s this machine here to just dump dirt into a huge pile.

Danno and McG start trying to dig the kids out with their hands, but Jin uses his brain and grabs a bulldozer and has a lot more luck. Within a few moments, the truck full of kids is uncovered, and they use the dozer to tow them out. Day = saved!! All the people are alive. So of course, McG drives them all back to the school in the bus. He probably doesn’t have a license for that, but fuck it, he’s the po-lice. Everyone is happy, and McG and Taylor share a smile and a moment.

Back at H50, McG and Danno arrive just in time to see Castillo walking away, only to inform him that he’s back under arrest because Schaefer is stepping up to testify.

And then McG gets a text…to meet Locke. He hurries off to meet him, and sees that Locke has Noshimori in the trunk. According to Mr Noshimori, Shelbourn is a person, not a place, and Wo Fat is afraid of him, and thus won’t rest until he’s dead. Locke shuts Noshi back in the trunk and leaves, telling McG he’s gonna find Shelbourn. Only when he’s out of sight…he makes a call…it just says…

“It’s me…we’ve got a problem…Steve is getting too close…we’re gonna have to move you.”

DAMN YOU LOCKE, WHO IS THAT ON THE PHONE?!?! WHOOOOO?!?!

Who do you think it is? I think they want us to think it’s Wo Fat, and I did…at first. But then I thought a little…Wo Fat always calls McG “McGarrett,” right? Personally…I think it’s fuckin Shelbourn on the phone. We’ll see soon!

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