Hawaii Five-0 Recap: Fool’s Gold

Well, not unlike last week, this episode starts with sexy people in a sexy location…but no sexy time this time. Just the beach. I see these shots every episode, and it just makes me really want to go to Hawaii. But then I think more about it, and I realize that I probably wouldn’t be allowed on this beach at all. They probably have separate beaches, with shitty sand and mosquitos for people like me who aren’t pretty enough for the postcard beaches.

“Uhm, nope, I’m sorry, sir…you can’t bring that here.”

“What? Can’t bring what?!?”

“All of it.”

“All of what? I don’t have anything with me…”

“Are you really gonna make me say it? All of you. You can’t bring all of you onto this beach. You have to go over there…”

“But I don’t want to go over there. It smells like asparagus over there…”

“Well, you should’ve thought about that before eating NINETEEN FROZEN PIZZAS!!!”

“:-(“

“But…how come she gets to come to this beach? Oh…right…pizzas…I get it…”

Then this nice little piece of Jailbait goes running across the beach, and dives into the ocean, and FOR FUCK’S SAKE can we please stop putting people between the ages of 15-18 in bikinis on TV shows like this?? There should be a universally accepted indicator…like…if she’s wearing a two-piece, she’s 18+. Right? No one?

Don’t judge me, I watch this show for the same reasons you guys do…sexy people and hilarious McG stunts. Throw something like this in and it really fucks things up.

So anyways, this really cute (or adorable if she’s under 18) girl is in the water, all alone, because…just because. And suddenly everyone on the beach starts freaking out because there’s a shark in the water, and it’s swimming right at her!!! She turns around and screams and!!!

Now THAT’S what I call a “Shark Fin Suit.”

The girl gets mad, the boy swims off to scare someone else. I hope he knows that someone else. If some little snot-nosed beast I didn’t know pulled this kind of shit on me in Hawaii (or elsewhere) I’d break his snot-nose.

So he swims off, and in his search for another victim, he finds a human hand! Who’s screaming like a little bitch, now? Huh?!?

Intro!

So, McG and Locke meet up for lunch at Goomba’s shrimp truck. McG is in a bit over his head with the spicy jumbalaya, and I’d make fun of him were I not so worried that he’d punch me through my TV. Locke asks him what’s on his mind, and he tells Locke that he’s tired of waiting for the audio on that video of his daddy and Wo Fat and the old gov’nah. Locke tells him the Department of Defense isn’t exactly the fastest moving group, and to just sit tight. McG gets a call, and bounces.

At Franklin’s lab, McG and Danno are treated to the disembodied hand. Franklin explains that he knows it’s a murder because the blood in the hand shows elevated levels of lead, indicating he was shot…and also the severing is too clean to be the work of a sea creature, and he thinks it was a boat propeller. He also demonstrates a very handy technique for getting a finger print off a hand that’s been submerged in water for over 24 hours…

Liiiiiiike a glove!!

The fingerprint he’s able to get gives them an ID on the most likely dead guy. McG and Danno head out to scope out his place. When they arrive, they find the landlord is also a bartender. He tells them that the dead kid, Blake, was more than just a renter…he was a friend. He tells the boys that Blake was a salvage diver, and a damn good one, but came back to Hawaii after his mom got sick. He also tells them he thinks Blake was going after a new shipwreck, and a big one, but he didn’t know any more details than that.

He lets the boys into Blake’s apartment, which is more of a crash pad. Basically a couple lamps and a mattress on the floor. Pretty empty, and McG and Danno question why he’d live like this if he was cashing in on all this diving. It looks like maybe he’s been sinking all his resources into the hunt for his next dive. McG also finds a notebook with what he assumes are encrypted coordinates.

McG’s supersonic hearing picks up something from another room. I’m not sure what he heard…the hum of electricity, or the bubbling, or whatever, but lucky for them, because otherwise they may not have looked in the other room? I think it’s just to rub in everyone’s face that McG is fucking better than you, so just deal with it.

I love goooooooooooold!

McG and Danno guess that this must’ve been the treasure he was looking for, and someone found out that he found it, and killed him for it.

Taylor Swift heads out to the nursing home where Blake’s mom is living now. She’s channeling Ms Finkle…she offers Taylor a sandwich, as Blake SO loves them when he gets home from school, because he’s in sixth grade…

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie?

McG and Danno head out to a museum to check out these gold coins they found. The director of historical yadda yadda at the museum just so happens to be young and cute, and Danno falls all over himself. Danno presents the coins, since he’s incapable of talking, and she tells the boys that she knows what these coins are from. She tells them that the coins would be worth a couple thousand…each! And the ship they’re believed to come from was supposed to be carrying a couple TONS of them! TONS! Doing the math…yep…carry the 1…that’s a lotta money!!

She asks to keep the coins to authenticate them. McG says “nope,” but Danno can’t believe it. I mean, what’s the harm in her keeping ONE little coin? McG isn’t thrilled…but I don’t get this, because wouldn’t you think it might be pretty critical to a murder investigation that MAY revolve around these coins to make sure they’re authentic?? I mean, I’d actually expect that would be considered SOP. But then again, nothing about McG is “standard.”

In the car, McG is mad about the whole coin thing, but probably wouldn’t be so mad about it if Danno responded by saying “I think it’s important that we make sure they are real…” and McG’s like…

Oh they’re real, and they are SPECTACULAR!

I’m not convinced. Anyways, McG suspects that Danno left the coin so he’d have an excuse to go back and see the lovely curator again. McG suggests he ask her out for coffee. I mean, after his performance in the museum, should he really even have a chance? Sure, maybe there’s something cute about moderate stammering, like “hey you’re so cute my brain stopped working momentarily,” but…what’s that Kirk Lazarus said?

McG tells him it’s time to get back on the horse and ride the fuck out of that horse, and I really hope that horse is metaphorical. McG makes a stop and leaves Danno in the car…with the windows cracked so the little guy doesn’t get too hot. McG walks into a little grove, and who is it? It’s his cute little fuckbuddy that I was JUST asking about! I figured they got rid of her to make room for Taylor to become the new interest. Guess not. Aw.

McG shows her the notebook of what he thinks are encrypted coordinates. She says she’ll run cryptography. She points out that he’s supposed to ask her out for dinner as a “thank you,” and since the night is clearly gonna end with sex, I don’t understand how he’s really giving up much in this thank you. Anyways, he says “not so fast, my friend,” and asks ANOTHER favor. This time, it’s to look into the request that Locke has submitted to the DoD about the audio from that tape of his daddy and Wo Fat. She asks for a fancy dinner.

Back at H50, Jin tells McG and Danno that Blake’s body was found. They found helium in his lungs, meaning that he was going on a deep dive. Looking at the photo of the body, they see his dive bag, and something in the bag. It’s all over at the crime lab, so I guess Fong’s back. Jin heads over to check it out.

Taylor comes in tells them about the visit to Blake’s aunt. She explains the situation and why she didn’t tell her about Blake being dead.

Jin learns over at the crime lab that the item in the dive bag was a wallet, and not Blake’s…Fong estimates that it’s been under water for at least 50 years. Inside the wallet are some bills. It seems to indicate that Blake wasn’t diving at the Princessa (the gold coins shipwreck) when he was killed. Now it’s Jin’s turn to call in a favor. He shows Fong his activity log, and asks him to help him find out who’s IP address logged in that he doesn’t recognize.

Back at the bar under Blake’s apartment, Taylor is making the rounds, buying all the boys in there beers in exchange for info.

Please get me the hell out of here…

She finally meets up with someone useful. She comments on his ring, which he got off the HMS Pegasus. Remember this. She asks if he was aware that Blake was searing for the Princessa. He says no, but points them in the direction of ANOTHER guy who was looking for the same wreck.

Apparently Henry Fonda has sunken his entire fortune into starting up a deep sea expedition/salvage company. So they ask the question…how does this Blake kid beat the wealthy business man, with nearly unlimited resources to the wreck?!? Well, the plot thickens when Blake’s face shows up in one of the promotional videos. They hypothesize that Blake used Mr Fonda to find the wreck, and then stole the coins.

Just then, Danno gets a call…the coins, they are fake! The plot thickens! The boys hurry out to Henry Fonda to ask him about it. They call him out on the fake coins, and tell him they think he killed Blake because Blake found out they were fake and was threatening to go public. Fonda tells them that he “salted” a wreck site or two, but had no idea that Blake knew.

At the crime lab, Fong informs Jin that Boomer is the one who logged in his account. Jin shrugs it off and tells him that he’d logged in from over there last week.

Silly me…I’m so forgetful sometimes…

Fong doesn’t buy it, but doesn’t fight it. He then shows Jin something interesting on the bills. They have Hawaii written in fancy “only can be seen under a blacklight” ink on them. Apparently this was done during WWII, in case Japan invaded and took Hawaii, they could declare it invalid currency.

McG’s best good friend, and of course bootycall whenever she’s on shore leave, has finished decrypting the notebook. There are about a million dive sites on his list, but Taylor has a great idea of how to narrow it down…ASK THE GUY WHO RENTED BLAKE THE BOAT!!! Anyway, they do, but he doesn’t know where Blake was heading. However, he does have trackers on his boat. But the tracker isn’t responding! Oh, the humanity!! They all assume that Blake disabled it so that no one would know where he was. The coast guard is scrambled.

Back at Five-0, Danno is asking Taylor Swift what it means if a woman leaves her relationship status on Facebook blank. She doesn’t answer…SO WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!? Instead, she tells  him just to ask her out.

The CG finds Blake’s boat, and it’s anchored, so they figure this means his dive site is right below.

McG calls up Locke to be his diving buddy. Jin, feeling not needed, goes to visit Boomer to ask her about using his login.

Ugh, not THIS again…

She tells him that she was looking up her case file. We know she’s lying. He doesn’t. She says she didn’t want to involve him, since he was just reinstated and all, and didn’t want to get him in trouble. Obviously logging in to his machine with his info…couldn’t possibly get him in trouble. Anyways, her other lowlife buddy shows up, and Jin tells him to GTFO, but Boomer tells him to stay, so Jin leaves instead.

She walks back inside, and there’s Billy B. He tells her she’d better keep Jin in check, or he may not handle it as delicately.

On Blake’s boat, Taylor finds blood and a bullet. She and Danno determine that the shooter was already on the boat when Blake came back out of the water…

McG and Locke go diving to find what Blake was looking for. What does that mean for you, loyal viewers?

It’s about fucking time…

McG also asks Locke again about the DoD. Locke says he hasn’t heard anything back, and tells McG to clear his head, because they’re going deep. In they go, and down they go, and what do they find at the bottom of the ocean? An ambulance from Word War II. There’s a dead guy in the driver’s seat. They pull the vehicle out of the water, and Franklin examines the bones.

They take the body in to some fancy lab that apparently has records of military personnel going back many many years. Franklin gets to come along, and needs a change of shorts after walking in.

At H50 HQ, McG finds something on the internet about a military cargo ship getting caught in a storm and accidentally dumping an ambulance overboard. It turns out it was carrying a body for burial, and when McG pulls up the picture, Taylor recognizes it. She and McG head back to the Finkle resident for football shaped cookies and a creepy vibe.

She tells them about how her father was being transferred for burial when he was lost at sea, and how it haunted all of the family. She goes on to tell them that, like McG, Blake wants to be in the Navy. Taylor starts to tell her that he’s dead, but McG jumps in and interrupts. No reason to tell her when she won’t remember it anyways. It’s better to tell her when they have answers.

Locke calls and they have an ID on the body from underwater. It was a guy who was dismissed for petty theft, and suspected of siphoning abut $2 mil off when Hawaii recalled all paper currency on the island. They realize that he used Blake’s grandfather’s casket to smuggle the money off the island, but clearly it all went awry when the ambulance (and he) was thrown overboard…

To make things more interesting, Jin pulls up on a bike and tells them that the boat rental guy lied to them. The tracker on the boat was fully functional, and also, after hacking the system, he learned that another of the company’s boats was near Blake’s the night he was killed.

Why does everyone ALWAYS lie to us?!?

So they all book it out to the boat rental shop, but he’s nowhere to be seen. However, Danno finds Blake’s grandfather’s bones in a garbage can, and they find a few bills, some bloody, in the dryer (that’s what I call laundering money). They open the coffin and find the boat renter! So…there’s another killer out there! But who?!?

Max notices some interesting indention on the guy’s head, from a ring. Taylor recognizes it as belonging to the Joe from the bar. McG and Taylor head to the harbor to try to cut him off before he makes his escape. As usual, their suspect decides to not make things easy. Taylor provides cover fire after entering the unlimited ammo cheat code, and McG sneaks around the back way. By back way, I mean he boards one boat, jumps to another, and does what he always does.

Flying takedown, of course.

The impact knocks their suspect into the water, and they bring him in. He confesses to killing Blake and the boat rental guy. Taylor tells McG they had the bones sent over to the cemetery housing the family’s plots, and she’s going to tell Blake’s mom everything now. Then she notices McG looking past her, into his office, and sees Ms Special Friend. Jealous, much?

McG heads in and chats with her. She tells McG that she’s being sent to the Gulf on what seems like a relatively permanent assignment, leaving that night. McG is sad…he’ll have to find someone else that’s willing to sleep with him every time she’s in town. I’m sad, but I feel like either she’s going to die, or she’s not ever coming back on the show at least.

Oh, also…she checked in with the DoD, and Locke never submitted a request. Uh oh. Wonder if maybe he is (or rather, was) in cahoots with daddy McG, and is afraid he’ll be implicated? It’s an interesting thought, at least.

Danno stalkerishly is hanging out in his car, talksin to SpaceGrate while waiting outside the museum. The curator or whatever comes on out, as she’s presumably off work, and Danno decides to follow McG’s advice and ask her out for coffee. She accepts. Apparently full retard works on the ladies…

Jin heads back to Boomer’s house. She, again, is not glad to see him, but he’s not there to lecture her. He tells her he’s sorry, and that he’s been through it all, so he’ll back off and let her deal with it how she needs to, and just reminds her that he’ll be there when she needs. So sweet.

Man, now I feel like a horrible person…

McG and Lock attend the sendoff of Blake’s grandfather. After it’s loaded onto the plane, McG calls Locke out on not submitting the request to DoD. Locke tells him there are more people to think about than just McG…that maybe he’s not only trying to protect McG, but there may be other people he’s trying to protect. I’d like to point out that this supports my theory. Is (or was, even) Locke not always on the up-and-up? Only time will tell!!