Hawaii Five-0 Recap: The Man without a Face

This episode, for all it’s roundabout convolutedness, starts off in high gear. I’m still just waiting for the one H50 episode that doesn’t start in some crazy fashion. It has to happen at some point, right? Anyway, this one starts off with a car chase. And, in true Five-0 fashion, one that doesn’t really make much sense.

I guess my real beef is, the car being pursued is a 1970’s Dodge Challenger. It’s from the glory days of the muscle car, and it is known for a) being loud and manly as fuck, and b) driving really well in straight lines. These cars are not known for their precision handling. The entire concept behind these cars is VRRRRMMMSCREEEEEEEEE! and that’s it. They do not dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. So I’m a bit embarrassed for these cops, who manage to lose the car as it’s whirling around a shipyard.

Then again, just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean it’s not fun to watch. Take porn, for example…

So, as I was saying, the car disappears in the shipyard. All the cops in Hawaii get out of their cars and search around on foot, and eventually discover that the cars have been loaded into shipping containers. They start opening each container until they find it, revealing quite a few more awesome cars. And then, because (as I’ve said a few times now) they can’t find their next murder victim in a NORMAL way…one of the cops sees a pool of blood under the trunk of a car, and

WTF…

INTRO!!!

Well, so after last week’s disappoing McRibless, we’re back to how the show should be. McG is lying in bed, clearly trying to sleep, and there’s muffled noise in the background. So McG gets out of bed…

His six-pack has a six pack!

He puts on a shirt and heads downstairs, and we discover that the noise is the TV. McG turns off the TV, and Danno pokes his head out from under the blankets to complain. McG reminds him that, while he’s fine with Danno crashing at his house due to some mishap with a hotel and black mold, this whole watching TV and keeping McG from getting his sexy rest is just not ok. I’m not sure what happened (I bet it has something to do with that British ex of his), but Danno has just kinda been a major colossal dickhead this season, and he continues on as if he was born to play the part.

See, here’s the deal, Danno. You aren’t the roommate. You’re not paying rent. McG is letting you stay there to be nice to you. You get ZERO (that’s cero en espanol) say in the rules. If McG asks you to take your shoes off upon entry, you take your shoes off. If McG asks you not to have the TV on after he goes to be, you don’t turn the TV on after he goes to bed. If McG tells you that you have to watch Two and a Half Men reruns with him over dinner, you take it like a man. If McG tells you he expects you to become a Brony (yes, that’s a thing), you fucking do, and you don’t complain about it, because he’s letting you live in HIS HOUSE.

The phone rings and saves them from their argument, and even though it was presumably late at night (due to the fact that they were talking about having trouble falling asleep) when the call comes in, look at when they arrive…

Man, Daylight Savings is fucking with everyone!

Franklin and Taylor are examining the dead guy in the trunk when McG and Danno show up. Franklin makes a comment about how nice it is for them to finally arrive, and then diverts his attention back to Taylor to inform her that the dude most likely died of a single GSW to the chest. His fingerprints were sanded off, and you already saw his face, so they conclude that someone was really trying to make sure the victim wasn’t ID’d.

So back at H50, Jin tells the gang that the cares were slated to head to China and Japan, and their VIN plates were all filed away. So they wonder if maybe this guy stumbled across the car theft ring and was silenced…permanently.

McG, Danno, and Taylor head over to Franklin’s office, and he’s playing some smooth jazz on the piano. McG says his name twice, and he just keeps on goin’ Kenny G on those Ivories (sorry, I don’t know any smooth jazz pianists), but when Taylor says his name, he stops and speaks with her. He’s ignoring Danno and McG. That’s weird. This had better be good…

He tells her that he sent the bullet to ballistics for testing, but there were unable to find a match. He then shows her the guy’s face, and it was covered in bandages because the guy had gone in for plastic surgery not too long before his death. Thankfully, the implants have serial numbers, so Franklin tells her he’ll trace the serial numbers and let her know.

What did I do?!? What did YOU do?!?

Taylor reminds the two of them that the murderer isn’t going to catch himself, regardless of who pissed off Franklin, so the GTFO.

Jin and Boomer, among others, are inspecting the cars brought in from the shipyard. In particular, a ’69 Z28, just like the one their uncle used to have. Jin reminisces about how he got to take it to prom, and Boomer is all like “ew gross don’t tell me about your prom night!!!” That’s kind of weird to me…like she’s shot and killed more people than I can count, but “ ew gross sex maybe?!” Is Boomer a virgin? That’s unpossible, right?

So, all the cars have been wiped clean, and they all match the descriptions of recently stolen vehicles except for the one the vic was in…presumably he owned it.

So all the cars have new parts in them, and their guess is that the thieves used new parts to make the cars harder to track. Jin and Boomer head off to find out who “pimped these rides.”

You keep using that word…I do not think it means what you think it means…

So, of course, when you need the nitty gritty on the less-than-savory folks, who do you call? Goomba, of course. He comes out of a car shop to inform Boomer and Jin that the guys in there don’t know anything about any boosted cars, but word on the street is if you need a car, you just need to let them know what car you need and they find it for you. He tells them they owe him $100 for the info, since that’s what he had to pay, and he thanks them with a Spam air freshener. Jin tells him they need a ’66 Mustang, and he goes back inside.

McG and Danno are driving somewhere yet unspecified when Franklin calls. McG and Danno are both very overly appreciative, like they’re dealing with a scorned 6 year old, as Franklin tells them he was able to trace the serial numbers, and provides them with the information for the Doctor who used them. McG asks if, by some chance, Franklin is mad at either of them, and Franklin hangs up without another word.

They head to the doc’s office, and did anyone else think at first glance that the good doc was played by Matthew “Jears” Fox?

Maybe it’s because they’re both surgeons…or maybe I’m just retarded.

Doc tells them his name was Ryan Jackson, and they did the work on him a couple days ago. He tells them this guy asked for an abnormally large amount of work…like he wanted a whole new face. He provides McG with the file, but unfortunately Jackson paid him in cash, so there’s no payment information. McG notices the address is all sorts of wrong…that the number would put them in the middle of the ocean. Danno comments on the lack of pre/post-op photos, and the Doc tells them that he was very secretive and requested that no photos be taken. He also tells them that Jackson left in a hurry after the procedure. Just then, McG’s Spidey senses go nuts, and he flips over a pamphlet at the front desk where Jackson would have filled out his paperwork.

Someone’s gone all Kaiser Söze up in this bitch…

So, apparently in Hawaii there’s a park near the beach where a bunch of people take their old, fancy, awesome cars, and beautiful women wander around them in bikinis. I am ok with this practice. Up pulls…yep, you guessed it…an 1966 Ford Mustang, driven by Taylor. She gets out of the car in her sexy getup, and complains to Jin and Boomer via radio, as they’re staking the place out not too far away. Her exact words are “I still think [Boomer] would’ve looked WAY hotter.”

I totally agree, but you’re not too bad yourself, Taylor…but y u no bikini?!?

I like that her attire matches her car….

The guy they’re looking for sees her lookin’ all hot by her Mustang, and sidles up and asks for a look under the hood. After some car euphemisms for foreplay, he cuts right to the chase…he asks if he can take it for a spin.

Seriously, who would say yes to that question? Taylor does, of course, and this guy thinks it’s his lucky day…he pulls the car up to a stop to compliment the smooth ride, and some guy in a mask runs up and points a gun at Taylor! He tells her to GTFO of the car, and she obliges, but when the dude tries to get out, the guy in the mask tells him to stay in and drive!

They get a few blocks down the road, and both dudes in the car start smiling and laughing and the one guy takes off his mask, and the celebrate a brilliant car theft in broad daylight. Except just then, the doors lock! And the car’s engine falters….

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-busted!!!

So they get the car thief into interrogation, and McG tells him they think he popped the dead guy, but he claims he doesn’t. He tells them that he just saw the car sitting there, keys still in the ignition. He says he didn’t even look in the trunk because it was rushed…they didn’t even get to paint it first. He says all he found in the car was a duffel bag in the front seat, which for some reason he still has in his possession. He provides it to H50. In the duffel is some clothing and a hotel key. Using funny made-up technology, Boomer is able to trace the hotel key to a hotel, and gets the name Adam Raines.

Thinking that this could be their victim, or the killer at least, McG and Danno head to check out the hotel room. McG makes a black mold joke, and Danno is not impressed. Just then some chick comes out of the bathroom and McG and Danno point their guns at her. She does the only sensible thing, and grabs the nearby lamp to defend herself.

Really, the only tactic worse against McG would be to throw beanbags at the two while shouting FIREBALL!!! LIGHTNING BOLT!!! Or running…that never goes well either…

They calm her down, and they find out that Adam Raines is her boyfriend. She tells them that she and Adam had been dating for about a year and a half, but they hadn’t seen each other much lately because he worked on a cable ship, laying electrical cables across the Pacific. She tells them that about a week ago he called and left her a voicemail, which said that they had to move ASAP and that his past had caught up to him. She said he’d told him that when she saw him next, he’d look different, and that as soon as they were safe he’d explain everything.

McG and Danno decide to head out to the cable ship to see if they can discover what got Adam’s panties in a twist.

Upon arriving on the ship and talking to the foreman, they learn that Adam had been an exemplary employee, and never came back from his shore leave, but that wasn’t so unusual since a lot of the people that work on ships like this are just kinda drifters, and like drifters they were born to walk alone, so he figured Adam just made up his mind, and he wasn’t wastin’ no more time.

McG and Danno get ahold of the logs, and see that only one other person went ashore the same time as Adam…a guy named Billy Murphy, who was Adam’s roomie who just showed up a few weeks ago.

At H50 HQ, Taylor is running a pic of Adam that they got from his gf through facial recognition. They get a hit, but it’s Classified by the US Marshals!

Back on the boat, McG and Danno get the news from Taylor that Adam was really named Jimmy Shien, who apparently played witness against an Irish mob boss in Boston, and went into witness protection shortly after. McG puts the pieces together that this Murphy kid, also being from Boston, may have specifically come down to Hawaii to find Adam. Yeah, I’m just gonna keep calling him that. Too many name changes makes for bad recapping.

Murphy’s room is empty, and the foreman tells them that the chopper is the only way on or off the boat, so they freak and RUUUUN!! GET TO THA CHOPPAH!!!!! and are only JUST in the nick of time to get ahold of Murphy before he makes his getaway. But there’s a problem…

He’s got a hostage…

You are not going to BELIEVE who Billy Murphy is. Or maybe you will…Idunno. But I can’t stop laughing, because Billy Murphy is Scut Farkus!!! I swear, if I hear anyone ask “WHO?” I’m disowning you all…

NOW if I hear anyone still ask “WHO?!?” I’m going to curl into the fetal position and cry for the rest of the week…so go ahead and ask…I triple-dog-dare ya!

Anyways, Danno keeps him distracted by talking to him calmly as McG runs out onto a crane and jumps onto the platform behind him and lays some McG justice on him. Farkus tells them that he’s outside their jurisdiction since they’re in international waters, and McG’s all like “Well I ain’t passed the bar, but I know a li’l bit…” and proceeds to inform him that he doesn’t give a hell about jurisdiction, because he’ll just punch his face in right here and then feed him to the sharks or whatever, so Farkus agrees to talk.

Danno goes the less (immediately) violent route and picks up the satellite phone and dials one of the numbers that Farkus apparently called a few days ago to let them know that he’s been captured and is fully cooperating. Since that number is likely a mobster, Farkus begs him to hang up, and tells them everything.

He tells them that he was 30k in debt to the same mob that Adam ratted out, so he came down here to hide, and wouldn’t you know it, there was Adam! So he figured he could call the mob, let them know he found the guy that sold them out, and his debt would be erased. They were on board with this plan. Farkus points our guys in the direction of the hired guns the mob sent down to dispatch Adam.

They do a little homework on the O’Tooles, and then Boomer tells them that one of their cell phones is at the hotel where Adam’s girlfriend is staying! The whole gang hurries out there!!!

McG knocks on the door, waits the perfect amount of time, and then kicks it in, smashing O’Toole #1 in the face. O’Toole #2 grabs the gf and holds a gun to her head. He tells them they have til the count of 3 to drop their weapons, and he counts 1….2….

About time Boomer had another pretty epic takedown.

Of course, a shot like that, not from all that far away, from a high-powered rifle like that, would probably go right through O’Toole #2 like a hot knife through butter, but I guess you’d have to be pretty dense to fuck with McG & Co…see what I did there?

The gf lets H50 know that the O’Tooles were asking about some guy named Jimmy Shien (aka Adam), which tips off McG and Danno that they probably weren’t the murderers. The get O’Toole #1 (the not dead one) into interrogation, and he doesn’t really care too much about anything, since he didn’t kill Adam, so he tells them that “no, the ballistics report won’t come back to match the bullet in Adam,” but that he and his bro trailed him to a parking garage, but he never came back out, after hours. As they’re leaving the room, Danno tells O’Toole #1 that the ballistics actually already HAD come back on his piece, and while they didn’t match THIS murder, they match a whole slew of open murder investigations, so it’s time to start stocking up on soap-on-a-rope…

So this parking structure that the O’Tooles lost Adam in…it has a security camera over the public entrance that takes photos of the license plates of all the cars. Unfortunately, there’s another entrance/exit which doesn’t have surveillance, but it requires a keycard to use. They find one keycard that day that was used 3 times, meaning that whoever it was brought their car in, and back out, but also took/let another car out…and the keycard belongs to the Doc!!!

McG and Danno hurry over to the office, where the good doctor is about to start carving someone up…

Not really the most welcome sight, I’m sure…

The doc knows he’s fucked right off the bat, and leaves surgery.

We learn the rest when Danno and McG lay it out for the gf. Adam died on the table from a complication in the surgery. Because he was so afraid of someone being able to find him, he insisted that the Doc do the surgery solo. The Doc panicked and ditched the body in the car.

In the epilogue, McG presents Danno with a gift…a fancy pair of wireless headphones. He tells McG that, while this is a sweet gesture, he thinks he found a place for rent right down the street from McG. So, wait…he can’t afford a decent apartment in Hawaii, but he can afford to rent a fucking house right by the water? Do they even think before they write this?

Just then, Taylor walks by, all done up 80’s style…McG and Danno fight to get out the door first to laugh at her, and she tells them it’s Theme Movie night at Franklins, and everyone’s invited. McG and Danno both claim to NOT have been invited, until she shows them the email…and because it was his personal email (which was something like doc@spacesomething…) they thought it was spam…and THAT’s why Franklin was irritated with them.

Oh, and for your viewing pleasure…

Happily Ever After….

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