Hawaii Five-0 Recap: This Shit Again…

This week was another two story episode…and I’m really starting to wonder when they’re gonna wrap up this irritating Shelbourn/Locke side-story. Seriously…I wonder if they just use it in episodes where they can’t come up with enough interesting material in their murder case to fill the whole hour. Who knows. I’m gonna start half-assing these recaps and inserting a whole bunch of made up nonsense into them arbitrarily…

The episode starts off with a delivery truck, and a couple of guys driving the truck. Well, technically, only one of them is actually driving it, but I think you know what I mean. Anyway, like always, there’s some music in the background and the truck is driving along the scenic route. I mean, if I lived in Hawaii, I’d always drive along one of the many oceanside highways every time I went anywhere…

So the driver is telling his partner that he won’t be driving the next week because he’s taking his wife to Vegas for their 25th anniversary. Now we all know he’s fucked. Out of nowhere, a black van comes speeding up, pulls in front of the truck, and goes all Mario Kart on them…

 …it’s like the real life version of banana peels. 

 So their tires blow, and some unsavories hop out of the van and  and tell the guys in the truck to shut it down. One of the dudes cuts the lock on the back and climbs in, while the other keeps an eye on the drivers. During the heist, a truck drives up, but is scared of by the guys with guns. During the temporary confusion, the younger guy grabs for his walkie, and spooks the guy with the gun, who turns and fires into the cab. When the smoke clears, they young kid is unhit, but his partner is not so lucky. And by “not so lucky,” I mean dead.

INTRO!!

When we come out of the intro, we’re introduced to a young Steve McGarret.

 So basically McG evolved from Jonathan Taylor Thomas…

 We get to witness the scene where Papa McG (sporting a nice mullet) is sending McG and his sister to the mainland. Little McG is angry about it, but we all know how it turned out. Daddy McG tells little Stevie that regardless of anything, he can always trust Locke.

Flash forward to McG, who is clearly tailing Locke. So much for always trusting him, huh. Locke tries he doorbell at some shop, but no one answers, so he tries to go around back. McG hops out of his car to follow him, and Locke reveals that he’s known McG was there the whole time, and tries to get him to go home. McG just won’t let this Shelbourn thing go, though, and so he decides to hound Locke about it some more. McG also begs Locke to let Adam Noshimori know that his daddy isn’t actually dead. Locke won’t do it. The phone rings, and saves them the awkwardness of deciding whether they should hug it out or just nod and walk away.

The call is to invite McG to the crime scene. At the scene, he and Danno chat up the delivery guy who didn’t die. He confesses that it’s all his fault, because he was retarded and reached for his radio. They ask him what was stolen, and he says he doesn’t know, because he never left his partner’s side.

The crew checks the back of the truck, and nothing is missing according to the manifest.

 This calls for…aneurism face!!!

 Boomer and Jin speculate that either what the killers were looking for wasn’t there, or they got spooked and took off. They also find a bloody fingerprint, which turns out to be that punk kid driver who said he hadn’t been in the back of the truck since his partner got shot. Considering the bloody part of the fingerprint points back to the dead guy, something tells me he was lying. Danno and McG put the pieces together, and head out to question him.

As they’re approaching the door of the house, McG hears something inside. Danno thinks he’s doing “a thing where he pretends to hear something inside to justify breaking the door down,” but then they hear another muffled screen. McG breaks the door down, and they see the delivery boy tied to a chair. A gunman comes out of the bedroom and shoots at Danno, but McG is quick to do what McG does.

 If you see this, it’s already too late…

 They untie the kid, who confesses to having taken a little cash on the side to smuggle shipments past customs. It seems that this package is what was stolen. McG reasons that if they go to the kid’s employer, they can learn what was in the package and maybe put some clues together. Unfortunately, the only guy the kid knew that he worked for is the one McG popped twice in the chest.

Just then Danno’s phone rings, and it’s Rachel. Man, I really thought she wasn’t gonna be part of this anymore. Because, as we all know, where there’s Rachel, there’s Spacegrate. And where there’s Spacegrate, there’s a talent black hole. But anyhow, it turns out Rachel is about to have the baby. Did you guys remember she was pregnant? I’d forgotten. Unless that baby comes out in a full damn tuxedo doing his best Michael Flatley, I am not interested.

Back at H50 HQ, Taylor and Boomer let McG know that they’ve been doing some detective work. They’ve decided that some guy named Nicky Chang (does that not sound like a pornstar name?) is basically running Hawaii’s black market, and he’d be the one to go to for information. Unfortunately, the guy is super paranoid, which might be how he’s running a black market and not in jail. However, Boomer informs us that they may have someone they can turn to for help..Taylor has a nice reaction…

 “Holy mullet!”

 They decide to see if they can bribe Sang Min into helping them get to Nicky Chang. After Boomer and Taylor leave the room, Jin informs McG that the shop that he’d followed Locke to that morning was an antique shop, owned by some guy named Detweiller who has no record.

Cut to Locke, who’s stuffing an envelope of what I’m guessing is money into his shirt pocket outside of a bank. He notices a black SUV pulling an illegal u-turn, and a gun muzzle sticking out the back window. He heroically pulls a girl to the ground and out of harms way as bullets whiz by, and the car speeds off. No one was hurt…just a little shaken up or something…

 Kids, this is what we used to call a “Drive By.” By now, I’m sure those scoundrels over at Jersey Shore have redefined that term, and it now involves herpes and tanning salons. 

 McG asks what happened, and Locke expresses surprise that Adam Noshimori would take it this far. McG is flabbergasted by that statement, and reminds Locke that it’s the motherfucking Yakuza, and whatever, they do what they want…they run with like 10 gangs!

He tells Locke that he’s gonna be stuck in protective custody until a remedy for this quickly escalating situation can be found. Actually, he didn’t say that…too many big words in that statement. I think he said “You! Wait here!”

So, they send Taylor and Boomer to deal with the awful walking stereotype that is Sang Min. They promise him a transfer to the mainland, where he can serve out the rest of his sentence under an assumed name and thus be safe from Wo Fat’s retributions, and all he has to do is roll on his padawan. Unsurprisingly, he’s game. He tells them they also have to help him tend to certain needs a man has…he’s been locked up for 18 months, after all…

 I feel like he accidentally said “Take me to Goomba’s shrimp truck” when what he actually meant was anyfuckthing else.

Boomer heads back to the shrimp truck to get some more shrimp for the guy, and for some reason it’s now closed. They look around behind the truck and see Goomba pigging out on Subway.

 I fucking swear there had better be some awesome explosions to justify whoring out to Subway. 

 Don’t get me wrong…I actually kind of love Subway. Not because their food is amazing (it’s a pretty normal fucking sandwich), but because they were heavily involved in getting Chuck renewed for it’s third season, and, as a result, it’s fourth and fifth. And I looooove Chuck. But why the hell is Hawaii Five-0 doing this? This show rolls in ratings, despite all the nonsense. And I mean, seriously, that was like 2 minutes of airtime talking about Subway and that fucking Jared asshole.  Uncalled for, guys.

So, Nicky Chang puts in a return call to Sang Min, and they arrange a meet. Then Sang Min informs the crew that if he’s going in there, he needs some muscle. A “legit local with some ties to some bad guys.” And, on cue, Goomba waddles up. Because somehow, at this point, the criminals of Hawaii haven’t figured out that he rolls with cops.

So Nicky’s crew stops by to pick up Goomba and Sang for their little date, and the real fun begins.

 Oh. Right. This shit again. 

There’s some lame flute music going on in the background, and Danno is reading some shit from a book… “inhale through your eyes, and exhale through your vagina.” In all this, she refers to Danno as a “good friend.” As a guy and subject matter expert, this is officially the LAST thing you want to hear from a chick you want to have sex with…ever again. And right when I think it won’t get any worse, Spacegrate walks in and opens her mouth.

So, then, there’s the meetup between Nicky and Sang. Mother of God, this may have been the most painful 2 minutes of TV NOT involving Spacegrate in the history of the universe. Two whacky characters on the screen at once?!? It makes my eyes bleed.

One of Nicky’s boys comes in with the news that Sang Min was in solitary just yesterday (how did no one think this word would get to him?), and suddenly shit gets hot. And by that, I mean…

 Sometimes this shit is just too stupid for words. 

 Seriously, McG grabs a CARDBOARD BOX to shield himself from a motherfucking flamethrower?!? And, of course, just to get to that part, we’re ignoring the fact that Nicky leaving the room with the gunfight and COMING BACK with a flamethrower rather than just running the fuck away may be the dumbest thing that’s happened on this show.

So they get Nicky Chang into interrogation, and he tells them that inside the box were RFID chips…the kind they put in passports and the like. The guy that bought them from him is a regular, a howlie, and strangely enough, he hasn’t even heard from the guy since the package was stolen. Jin laughs at him for being so dumb that he didn’t realize this guy probably jacked his own order so he wouldn’t have to pay, which prompts Nicky to make a comment about that’s probably why he upped his order from a few to a hundred.

Back at the hospital, Rachel isn’t doing so well, but we don’t even care.

Back in the real world, McG and Locke meet up with Adam Noshimori. There’s a little standoff involving guns at first, but Locke and McG are able to talk them down long enough for Locke to call Adam’s dad to prove that he’s not dead. Thankfully, the guy answers. I mean, can you imagine if he was in the shower or something when the phone rang? Awkward…

Locke explains that his dad had to disappear to keep Adam safe, because he knew Wo Fat was coming.

Also, this seems like a risky place to meet up…I mean, I’d imagine there’s a pretty high likelihood of horny teenagers stumbling across this meeting, and then somebody would have to die…

And H50 HQ, Jin comes in and tells Boomer and Taylor that Nicky Chang ID’d the buyer. Boomer runs his face through facial recognition, and gets a hit. It’s some guy named Detweiller (were you wondering why I put the name of a guy who runs an antique shop in my recap? This is why). Jin immediately knows the name, and calls McG to tell him about the fake passports.

McG and Locke have a chat about this Detweiller fellow, and Locke informs McG that there’s NO WAY that guy was responsible for stealing the chips from the truck! Just NO WAY! So, with this newfound knowledge, suddenly Detweiller’s no-show this morning is a bit ominous. They hurry to the antiques shop, and McG kicks down the door. They’re careful not to break anything as they search around, and find Detweiller on the floor with a bullet in him.

It turns out that Detweiller was strong armed by a couple eastern European terrorist types. They had him make all 100 passports, and booked it, obviously planning to leave the island. Cut to the two guys at the airport, checking in through security and customs and then again at the gate. They walk down the tunnel to the plane, and the plane’s door is already closed!!!

The island’s not finished with you!

At the hospital, we’re treated to one of the absolutely least believable childbirth scenes ever. I mean, I know it was a c-section and all, but even still…Bam, baby’s out, everything’s fine with it! Hooray! And we’re moving on, because I can’t take it anymore.

So after McG tells everyone the news about the baby boy, Locke and McG have a heart-to-heart about Shelbourn. Locke takes McG to a cemetery, to daddy McG’s grave, to tell him that Shelbourn doesn’t even exist. It’s a made up person that they were using to draw attention away from their investigation into the Yakuza. Now, where we run into the problem…Shelbourn killed Wo Fat’s dad.

I swear, this show is all about the daddy issues. Must be something about that Island.

Anyway, under the alias of Shelbourn, Locke killed Wo Fat’s dad. And because of that, and the collateral danger he’s putting everyone else in, Locke has to leave. For now, it seems…the island is done with him.

And we’re treated to one more awkward hospital scene. Danno takes a picture of the baby to send to stepStan, because they really want to drive home what a great guy he is.