Hawaii Five-0 “Recap”: Velocirapture

So a few of us here thought it’d be fun to try our hands at…for lack of a better term…fanfic. I mean…I hate the term “fanfic”, because it makes me think of sad old ladies sitting at their computers writing about their favorite Twilight characters’ romancing their favorite … er … other Twilight characters? Idunno. I’m not really in that whole circuit. Anyways, this isn’t real fanfic, as that would apply to the episode that I wrote in outline format in order to write this recap. This is a fanfic recap. Tell me you’ve read one of THOSE before. Man, I hope you haven’t, or this is really lame.

So, to recap…THIS EPISODE ONLY EXISTS IN MY MIND. Take note, Alex Kurtzman & Crew. I am available (on short notice, even) to fly out to Hawaii and work on this show, and I will gladly put this crazy shit into a script for you. I mean, I’m cheating, because I know what your viewers want, and I’m gonna do my best to give it all to them.

Since I’m kinda tired of the episodes starting out with XTreme wakeboarding or sexytime in forbidden locales or some other shit (had you guys picked up on that?), I’m gonna throw you all a curveball. Also, I’m going to step back behind the fourth wall, because otherwise you’ll never be able to lose yourself in this recap of a made-up episode.

It’s Christmas Eve, and an islander is enjoying the approaching end of his shift, and simultaneously wondering how Santa is going to land on his roof without ripping off the shingles thanks to the lack of snow…

I know it looks like day time here, but that’s just the bright Christmas lights this friendly gentleman has lining his windows. He’s really in the spirit.

I mean, this is the kind of guy that has a nativity scene in his front yard. Not that there’s anything wrong with that if any of you have one of those luminous monstrosities in your front yard…I just mean to imply that he’s a friendly kind of guy who REALLY loves Christmas, and manages to stay super chipper about it even though it’s never snowed in Hawaii on Christmas.*

*research indicates this statement is false, but really, who cares?

So Captain Happy Clerk is just tidying up so he can close shop for the night when a pack of miscreants enter, but our good clerk just offers a friendly “Merry Christmas!” Sadly, these miscreants are hellbent on mischief, and while I know I was going to refrain from opening with any XTREME moments…well, sorry, I lied.

SO FUCKING EXTREEEEEEEME!!!!!

So after the extreme kayaking session that leaves the store trashed, one of the homeboys whips out a gun and asks for all the money in the register. Seriously, how fast will your trip to hell be when you rob Captain Christmas on Christmas Eve? CC hands over the cash, and the punk bitch shoots him anyways! Probably not a fatal wound, but considering this is TV and a gunshot to the shoulder can be fatal while people routinely survive bullets to the stomach (because only the head and heart are fatal), we really don’t know.

Unluckily for these punks, McG was really in the mood for a Slurpee and just so happens to walk into the store as they’re leaving with a kayak full of money. And, since McG is the conductor on the express train to the special hell (reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theater), he tells them to stop. And because a) there are five of them and one of him and b) they’re fucking extreme, they decide to take him on. McG McG’s the fuck out of them (seriously, there’s a moment where he kicks one in the nuts while smashing two others’ heads together), and before anyone knows what has even happened, four of them have their ticket punched, and the fifth one…the one we’ll call Speedy…is off to the races.

The Races is the last place you want to go with McG.

McG pushes the turbo button and is in hot pursuit. I mean, REALLY hot pursuit (if you know what I mean). In an effort to confuse his pursuee, McG ducks down a side alley…mostly likely just because he can…and races along, completely out of sight. And, as one would expect, this alley leads him right into the path of Speedy, but Speedy pulls a gun and fires at McG. McG, knowing his skull is too thick for bullets, and his abs too steely, barely breaks stride.

Poor Speedy…bringing a gun to a McG fight…

Regardless, I didn’t call the kid Speedy for nothin’, and that slight break in stride is just enough to give him a chance. Speedy climbs up a fire escape and McG gives chase. They seem to fly from rooftop to rooftop faster than Donder and Blitzen. McG is having trouble keeping pace, so he rips off his shirt…to…ya know…make him more aerodynamic.

Pictured: Aeordynamics at work. Physics is fun.

Ultimately McG doesn’t tire. Ever. EVER. And, as any lady can tell you, “Speedy” isn’t a nickname given to someone prone to longevity. McG is one step ahead of him, and knows which way he’s going to turn before even he knows, and McG lays a hit on this poor fuck that has me wanting to rename him the Human T-Bone. Unfortunately, McG seemed to forget that they were several stories above the ground, and his Ray Lewis-esque effort sends both him and Speedy falling down four stories.

INTRO!!!

McG starts awake on the floor of a lush jungle. You might be familiar with the scene…

Like this, but with fewer tears, and more abs.

Classic McGarrett…his first move is to check for the presence of both his kidneys. They’re there. Then he wonders why he would ever be wearing a shirt and tie…but he is, and figures it works on him, but it’s too hot, so he takes it off. He looks around, wondering who kidnapped him and how he got there. He gets up and starts wandering through the jungle, and just stumbles across the rest of the gang, who are all conveniently in the same random jungle as him, and relieved to see him.

As Franklin explains it, McG hit Speedy with such force that he ripped the very fabric of space-time (this is where I’d normally add that I can’t make this shit up), and sent them all back in time. Like WAY back.

They hear an ear-piercing scream from not too far away, and spring into action. Hu is it?!?

Exactly.

Well, this is confusing…isn’t she dead? But who really expects this “episode” to make sense, right? If I asked you what you’d expect in a H50 episode envisioned by me, what would you say? I mean, aside from the McRib. If you said “dinosaurs,” you know me well. If you said Voltron or Transformers, those are solid guesses, but ultimately they’re just not believable enough. I know…it’s a fine line. So…Dinos it is!

McG and friends arrive just in time to see Hu killed (again!!!) by a velociraptor! The only creation with a higher kill rate than a car bomb…of course!!! Poor Hu. Bitch can’t catch a break. At least she’s already died once, so it’s not as painful the second time. As the raptor rips her open, we get a cute little exchange between Danno and McG. As expected, Danno is fighting back Vomit while McG can’t help but respect the efficiency of the killing machine that is the velociraptor.

I get the feeling that if the opportunity presented itself, McG would do one of a few things…

1. Sit back and watch as his companions were all slaughtered and eaten one by one by raptors, providing John Madden-like commentary (“If a godless killing machine with a 6” razor sharp talon slashes you across the stomach, you’re probably in trouble.”)
2. Make sweet, passionate interspecial love to one of the raptors.
3. Make sweet, passionate interspecial love to ALL of the raptors.

Seriously, the look on his face. Who cares that Hu just ate it (er…got ated)? McG has just found true love. Do you think this happens every day?

Danno and Boomer slap him back to reality, and the reality is that they’re about to be raptor food unless they GTFO in, like, a huge rush. They run, and run, and run some more, because running only once or twice is not enough when there are people-eating dinosaurs behind you. When McG determines they’re safe for a bit, the group stops to take a break. They hear a fffwwwwhhhiiiiipp! sound (yes, I may be infringing on some Batman – or Calvin and Hobbes – copyright with that sound effect), and everyone looks at Jin…and they’re all like

“Dude, you got a fuckin’ dart in your neck!”

Jin drops like a sack of potatoes that’s Asian in color and weighs roughly 170lbs. Before anyone else has even reacted, McG, Franklin, and Danno are down, too. Boomer and Taylor spring into action, and race towards the source of the darts. A dart thunks into the tree next to Boomer, and she sees their problem.

Oh, right, I forgot to mention…it’s raining now…

(Seriously, I couldn’t find a single picture of her from that show where she wasn’t a. wet or b. tied up or c. about to be tied up with a sharp object at her throat. Bonus points if you name that show)

Before the random jungle girl can load another dart, Boomer tackles her…right into a giant mud puddle. Taylor piles on, but the jungle girl is a fierce one, and clothing tears and hair is pulled and…man, I wish this was on HBO, but I’m still getting mud wrestling involving Boomer and Taylor (and Jennifer O’Dell) and I don’t want to get greedy…

Through lots of grunting, screaming, and groping, jungle girl is finally subdued, and tied up.

Oh, I knew this picture would come in handy…

McG is quick to question the suspect in the random darting, and is surprisingly quick to determine that they’re on the same side, as the enemies here are the raptors. He unties Veronica (turns out that’s her name..I’m really giving away this bonus question), and they start to hatch a plan to bring the raptors to justice. McG seems to think that since they’re back in time, that “unlimited means and immunity” thing is back in effect, and hatches a plan involving a helicopter, some g’nades, and an RPG. Sadly, Franklin reminds him that they’re back in time. Like WAY back in time. Remember, McG? You’re fighting raptors.

Veronica tells them that she knows where the raptors like to hang out, and she can show them, but the problem is that these raptors value strength above all else, and to get back to the present, they’re going to have to prove their strength to the raptors first. Apparently the raptors aren’t so much the “bad guys” as the “guardians.” Of what, we’re unsure. Hopefully it’s a time-portal back home, because this episode has gone all LOST on me in a hurry, and the last thing any of us need is McG crying like a Jack! Either way, they’re an obstacle for McG, so that’s bad-guy enough!

McG formulates a new plan now involving ewok traps and spears. Just like the real ewoks, the plan is based on using their adversary’s arrogance against them.

I think McG takes pride in his ability to build deadly traps in the lush prehistoric jungle.

McG arms everyone but himself with spears, which look strangely like this:

Pictured: Ewoks with Spears from the ORIGINAL Return of the Jedi…

Pictured: Ewoks after Lucas and Spielberg decided cute teddy bears shouldn’t have weapons.

Anyway, the Ewok spears are of the actual SPEAR variety, not the awfully photoshopped flashlight type. McG makes Danno, Taylor, Boomer, Jin, and Max wait back with their Ewok spears, and sends Veronica into a sniper position with her knockout darts. McG’s instructions to the gang are to hang back until his signal, NO MATTER WHAT.

It turns out the raptors home is a cave secluded behind a small hill. McG stands on the hill, because he doesn’t have a mountain, and calls out to them, taunting them. He asks the raptors whey they hide like little babies if they’re so tough…

The head raptor comes out and tells McG that he’s not afraid, and that he has been waiting for McG to arrive. He tells McG that, unfortunately, he’s led his friends into a trap.

At this very minute, we cut over to the rest of the gang, and it’s quiet…a little too quiet. Franklin suddenly realizes something is very wrong…

McG maintains his poker face, and informs the head raptor that his friends are big boys and girls, and are armed to the teeth with Ewok spears and can hold their own against the rest of the raptors. The raptor tells McG that he’s a fool, and that the only way he can save his friends is to channel all his rage strike him down!!! McG’s all like “I ain’t mad, bro, my friends will be fine…” and

“Your overconfidence is your weakness.”

“Your faith in your friends is yours…”

The raptors pour down the hill, outnumbering the 50-ers 3:1, and things look grim. But the raptors trip the ewok traps, and about half of them are crushed beneath a massive heap of rolling logs! How did McG ever get that many whole trees cut down and stacked up so they’d roll down the hill like that?!?

Well, whatever, it works. The remaining raptors decend, but no longer do they have the massive numbers advantage.

McG, who for no good reason didn’t bring a spear, charges the head raptor with nothing but his two fists…which is hardly “nothing.” A fierce battle ensues, and since I can’t take a screencap from the images in my head, you’re going to have to do your best to keep up! McG is knocking the raptor around pretty good, but it gets in a lucky slash, and McG is down and bloody! He’s in trouble! The raptor heads in for the killing blow, and suddenly 3 darts appear in it’s neck out of nowhere! Man, that girl can blow!

Yes…yes I can…

McG gets up, bloodied, and rips ones of the raptor’s talons clean off, and plunges it deep into the raptor’s throat! GAME, SET, and MATCH!

McG and Veronica rush off to find the rest of the group, and see they have the situation pretty well in hand, with all raptors dead or dying on the ground. I guess this is ok, since it’s not like you can really question raptors. Well, except the one that could talk, which McG stabbed with it’s own claw. Whoops. McG gathers the gang, who are all ok, and leads them to the raptor cave. Inside, there’s a portal. Veronica tells them that she must remain behind, as this is “her world now.” That’s a bunch of garbage, but since if she came with she’d inevitably end up sleeping with McG and ruin my whole theory about Taylor, I guess I’m ok with it. Everyone enters, and WHOOSH!!!

They’re back to the present. And everyone is back at H50 HQ laughing and having a beer and then suddenly things go a little blurry…

…and McG is waking up in a hospital bed!!  It was all a dream!! Everyone is gathered around McG, expressing their relief that he’s ok even though he tackled a guy off a 4 story rooftop. They all laugh and have beers in the hospital room, even though I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed, but when has that ever stopped anyone on this show. McG takes a little while, but finally relaxes and accepts that this was all just a dream…or was it?!?

Clever girl…

****************

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this…bit of mild insanity. I had fun writing it, for sure, but it may be too much dinosaures and Star Wars for you guys. Oh well. It was definitely one of the more interesting things I’ve really tried to do, especially considering I was way too lazy to outline an episode first, despite my intentions. And…before you even ask…yes, there may have been some alcohol behind this

Merry Christmas to all of you…or happy whatever other holiday, for that matter. Just be happy or merry or whatever, that’s all I ask. It seems like an appropriate time for that.  And, at the very least, I hope this was a welcome break from work

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