Hawaii Five-0 Recap

As if Hawaii Five-0 is reading my mind, this week’s episode kicks off with a University of Hawaii girl’s volleyball match.

This is where I want to go for vacation…

So after their big win, the U of H girls are headed for Regionals. Their coach, definitely not a slacker, heads straight to his office to go over the match and prep for their next one. He’s just sitting in his office in the dark, so you know this isn’t going to end well. He hears a noise and decides that obviously he needs to go find out what the hell it is. Turns out his team snuck back into the locker room and surprise him with an ice water bath. He tells them they did a great job, etc…

I mean, tell me this guy doesn’t look like a softcore porn star.

Putting this guy around a bunch of college chicks strikes me as a terrible idea. Anyway, whatever. That was cute and all, but Coach has to take a shower. He hears a noise, again, and wraps himself in a towel and tells his girls to knock it off and go home. Am I the only one that finds it a bit…weird…that he thinks it’s appropriate to just wrap himself in a towel to address these 18-22 year old girls? Well, sadly for him, the noise wasn’t the girls this time, but instead some dude that decides Coach has entirely too much blood flowing through his veins, and takes action by slitting his throat! I’m gonna go ahead and solve this for you guys…the motive is easy…someone was jealous that he got to hang out with college chicks for his job, and figured if they offed him, they could be the next coach!

INTRO!!

Alright, so to kick the episode proper off, Jin meets up with his ex-fiance, since Danno and his ex-wife was SO last season. They talk briefly, and basically just make it apparent that they’ve been seeing each other again recently. Jin confides in her about how he’s afraid Boomer is going down a bad path. She asks if he’s told McG, and Jin tells her he’s waiting until he knows what’s going on for sure. Just then his phone rings, so he has to bail on his date to do some police work.

Everyone arrives on the scene to find the dead coach. Apparently, before the guy with the knife slit his throat, he worked him over pretty good. This was no simple murder/robbery. Jin gives everyone the low-down…everybody loved Coach, and he was living with some U of H alums in the rich neighborhood. Somehow my theory never gets brought up.

The head out to the rich alums to check out Coach’s living arrangements. On the way, Danno takes the opportunity to bitch about how shitty it is to be a cop. When Mr Alum shows them to the guest house where Coach was staying, the bitterness grows and grows. When, suddenly…

Holy shit, Benry’s little girl is all grown up!!

Well, this was my second theory. Someone found out he was using his position to receive “improper benefits.” My guess? Rousseau, with the sniper rifle, in the locker room.

Danno sends the photos back to Taylor and Jin, who quickly ID Alex as the star of the team, but also note that she’s the only one who wasn’t playing in the last game! Something’s fishy!! Also in the area of important information…Coach was renting a shitty hotel room way away from his guest house, and had pre-paid for a week! Jin and Taylor head off to the motel, while Danno and McG head out to find Alex.

So weird how many people the Island isn’t done with…

She tells them that Coach didn’t take those pictures…she was going to do an ad campaign for a shoe company, which is against NCAA regulations. Coach benched her to avoid jeopardizing the team, which is why she wasn’t at the last game. I’m sad that that’s all cleared up, because now the Island actually IS done with Alex.

Jin’s ex pays an unannounced visit to Boomer, who, if you’ll recall, still is under the misguided impression that she abandoned Jin when he lost his badge. It goes about as well as expected, and the awkwardness is only saved by a well-timed phone call that gives Boomer an excuse to leave.

Jin and Taylor arrive at the sleazy motel to ask some questions of the matron, and learn that Alex was not the lady “using” the room with Coach, but rather someone else, who still has not checked out. They head to the room, and see that the mystery woman isn’t there, but they find a glass with a fingerprint.

Clearly the glass was only picked up once…

I love that in cop shows…I mean, if you tried to lift a print from any one of the glasses in my house, you’d just get a jumbled mess of fingerprints all smashed into each other. To me, it’d make way more sense to try dusting a table or her husband’s penis for prints…ya know, something that she wasn’t likely to be touching repeatedly.

Before they get a hit on the print, Jin takes a listen to the voicemail on the room phone. It’s Coach calling. Then the print comes back, and they realize that the lady in the room is Ms Alum! Sounds like “staying at her guest house” is a bit of a double entendre! Jin calls Danno and McG to let them know, and those two hightail it over to the Alum’s house.

They pull up and notice Mr Alum is packin’…

lol see what I did there?

McG and Danno leap from the car, weapons drawn. He tells them not to shoot…that he has to find his wife, because “they” are after her! Just then!

It’s rainin’ men! Hallelujah! Nope, just kidding, he got shot in the fuckin chest!

McG and Danno hit the deck, but the shooter doesn’t wait around. After the scene is secured, McG follows his spidey senses to the roof of a house across the street. They rule out love triangle gone wrong, and are now leaning towards professional hit.

Danno does some digging and learns that Mr Alum owned a bunch of dry-cleaners, and clearly that’s not enough to buy a multi-million dollar home. Upon further review, he learns that these dry-cleaning establishments are being used to…you guessed it…launder money. Danno points out that the bank account suddenly was emptied, which probably pissed off whoever he was laundering money for…

So, Jin and Taylor are still staking out the motel room. Taylor is getting increasingly bored, which leads to this little moment that basically confirms that by season’s end she’s going to be McG’s little fuckbuddy. Poor Jin can’t believe he’s stuck in the room with this conversation.

Just then, some guy walks into the room, and it is definitely not Ms Alum! Jin and Taylor give chase, and one of them puts a bullet into him, but he manages to keep running and get in the car. Taylor is about to shoot at the car when Jin notices that it’s Boomer driving!

Back at H50 HQ, McG has been brought into the loop about Boomer going to the dark side. McG is pretty much pissed that Jin didn’t tell him, and now is worried they won’t be able to help her anymore. McG tells Danno to get a lock on her cell so they can go bring her in.

Cut to Boomer, who’s all “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!!!” to the guy in the car. He doesn’t listen, though. And, with perfect timing that could only exist in TV, Billy Baldwin calls. When she tells him what happened, he tells her to dump him off a bridge. Yikes. As soon as she hangs up the phone, she sees Danno and Jin on her ass.

On a related note, I would love to be on her ass, too.

She tries to flee, but McG cuts her off in his pickup, and she’s humped.

On a related note…

Taylor Swift handcuffs her.

On a…related…note…

I’ll be in my bunk…

McG tries to start off with the angry cop method, but it doesn’t work. Jin sits down to talk to her, and is all touching and heartfelt, and poor Boomer is sad but still can’t cooperate.  And just then, Captain Doucheface from IA storms in and drops a bombshell that I’m sure NONE of you saw coming. Boomer is working with IA!

McG and Capt Doucheface have an epic pissing contest out in the hallway, while Jin explains to Boomer that Doucheface’s old partner was Billy Baldwin, and he’s just using her to get revenge. McG hears this and gets even more angry, but just then BB calls. Boomer answers the phone because otherwise Ms Alum’s life is forfeit! McG says that if she’s doing this, Five-0 is providing backup.

Boomer rejoins BB and crew, and he reveals his diabolical scheme to find Ms Alum. He sent her a text using Coach’s cell phone, telling her to check into a room at the hotel they’re waiting by, banking on the fact that she’s on the run and won’t be checking out the news. During the conversation, she replies to the text saying she’s there, and provides her room number. Brilliant.

Cut to Ms Alum, who hurries into her room, makes herself a vodka and vodka, and turns on the TV. Guess what comes on the news?

Yeah…you’re gonna want to go ahead and finish that drink…

She flees the run, only to run smack into BB in her doorway!

At the HDP rape van, Jin hacks into Boomer’s cell phone to access the mic, which will then function as a wire. He gets it up and running just in time to hear Ms Alum tell them that the money she took from her husband is at a Bank of Oahu, just a few blocks away. The team races off.

Since they can’t barge into the bank, guns blazing (for fear of creating a hostage situation), they instead clear out the entire area around the bank and wait for BB and crew to exit.

Inside the bank, Boomer, and Ms Alum take the elevator down to the safe deposit room. They have this really awkward exchange with the guy manning the safe deposit boxes, but in the end they convince him that she and Boomer are on the up and up, and head in to open their box. Ms Alum chooses an awful time to break down, and Boomer decides to tell her she’s an undercover cop. They load up the bags with money and head back topside.

Just then, the lookout starts getting happy feet and takes a stroll! He’s walking out towards the street, and will see the barricades and cop cars everywhere in a matter of moments! Who ya gonna call???

Remember what I said…you try fuck McG, you’ll end up on your back with your feet in the air.

Boomer and the lady are hurrying out of the bank, when the safe deposit dude comes running up after them to tell her she forgot her key…right as she’s handing the bag full of money to a goon.

Well, this is awkward…

Some random Asian dude sees this all go down, too, and reaches for his silent alarm button, but BB sees it and knocks him the shit out. Boomer decides this is a wise time to reveal her true colors, and kicks the gun out of one goon’s hand.  Boomer and Ms Alum try to run back down to the vault with the bank guy, but BB shoots Boomer!!!

BB grabs some random lady to use a as meatshield, and comes out guns blazing.

Look at my emo bangs! No one understands me!!!

Capt Doucheface sees this isn’t going so well, so after BB’s help is taken down, he draws his sidearm and steps out into the open. He tries to talk BB down, but the fuckin’ cocksucka is having none of it. For once, McG is not the one to get the takedown…as such, it’s not so much “epic.”

OUCH!!! YOU SHOT ME!!!

It turns out Boomer was only shot in the arm, which is good, because if she was dead I’d be super pissed. McG walks up to Capt Doucheface and is all like “Hey, bro!” and then punches him in tha mouf and tells him that no one fucks with his team but him.

And then!

LOL Slow-Mo walk!!!