Hawaii Five-0: So Long, Farewell…

Well, as I believe I said in my minicap, this was not really my favorite H50 episode of all time. It was really one of my least favorites. This was merely a case of the writers and directors overextending themselves. I expect they won’t try this again. Sorry, also, that it’s late…I forgot to download the episode until I went to write the recap yesterday, and it took way too long. Also, I won’t lie, I wish this recap would have written itself…

The episode starts off with some old asian guy and his daughter climbing up onto a zipline platform. He can’t figure out how she talked him into doing something insane for his 60th birthday. She tells him it’s because she’s his little girl and he’ll do anything for her, and he tells her he loves her, and clearly this is building towards something bad. She straps in and jumps off the platform, and his phone rings.

The old guy answers the phone, and so we know this is bad news. Some guy on the other end of the phone starts talking to him about his daughter in a very…feminine voice. I don’t know how to describe it…it’s almost soapy, but I can’t call a man’s voice soapy. In fact, I can’t really call anything soapy without thinking of bubble baths…and, by association, hot naked chicks. Because seriously, no one else takes bubble baths. Everyone knows that. And if I keep thinking about that, this recap will never get done.

Pictured: not soapy. Not soapy at all…

So, NotSoapy asks Asian Dad, who we learn is a judge, what his last words to his daughter were before she left the platform… “I hope they were ‘goodbye’,” he says…

UGH. Seriously, who wrote that? I want to blame the asshole character for having the worst “gotcha” line of all time.

So anyways, the zipline snaps, and whatever his daughters name is plummets to her death. Poor girl had a couple of lines, no one knew or cared about her name, and she’s gone. Oh well.

INTRO!!!
So after the intro, Danno and Grace get off of the elevator. Great, a Grace episode…I need to come up with a nickname for her. If her name was Anne, I’d go “Bland,” but it’s Grace. I need something…I’m lookin to you guys for help.

Anyways, they are talking, about going to see Uncle Matt, who Grace calls “the coolest ever.” Anyways, they walk into his hotel room, and it turns out that Uncle Matt is fucking Dane Cook. No, wait, I need to reword that. Uncle Matt is Dane Cook.I like how I use “fucking” so often as a mere part of speech that sometimes I seem to forget the real meaning.

Pictured:  not funny. Not funny at all.

Seriously, I know there is a large contingency of 18-22 frat boys who probably disagree with me on this, but to me Dane Cook is the least funny person on the planet. And, unfortunately, he can’t act any better than he can write original jokes.

Lewis Black has a joke about a town in Texas where he saw a Starbucks across the street from…well…another Starbucks. He said he knew it was the end of the Universe. However, I think, with all due respect to Mr. Black, that he is, in fact, wrong. The end of the universe isn’t the dueling Starbucks…it’s the void created by Grace and Dane Cook both failing to actually act at the same time!!

Pictured:  The End of the Universe.

Fucking Dane Cook (see, when you put it at the beginning of a person’s name instead of between the first and last name, it’s not a positive modifier anymore. Dane Fucking Cook would be a badass. Fucking Dane Cook is a pain in the ass.) tells Danno that his problem…why he’s not loving Hawaii…is that he has no adventurous spirit. That he’s a spoil sport. FDC and McG would get on well, it seems.

Anyways, Danno gets a call from McG, and has to head out to the crime scene of whatshername, so he leaves Grace and FDC to cause the very fabric of space and time to collapse around them.

McG, in investigating the crime scene, notices that the zipline cable, which is seriously of a high enough gauge to raise the fucking titanic, has been exploded. Conveniently, in addition to finding residue on the now-frayed cable, he finds a shortwave radio transmitter, or part of one, on the platform as well. Jin, who’s just walking around on the ground, finds tire tracks. Better lucky than good, right? He takes some pictures.

Boomer talks to the judge, who describes the guy’s voice as thin and raspy. Well, that’s better than “soapy” I guess. Whatever. He has no idea why anyone would do this.

Jin uses the picture of the tire treads, and figures out that it’s a truck or SUV. Well, no fucking shit, Jin. As you already said, these were found in an area normally off-limits to vehicles. I’d have given it a 99% chance it was a truck/SUV. Boomer tells everyone she’s asked for the Judge’s threat file, to see if anyone has threatened anything like this before. She tells McG the suspect pool is pretty deep, and he asks how deep. This guy has more enemies than I have facebook friends.

Pictured:  Not Facebook.

McG takes Danno back to FDC’s hotel to pick up Grace, and when they get there they see that Rachel has joined…not to be awkward or anything, but FDC tells Danno to stay, so they can have a “family meal.” Asshole, they’re divorced. I don’t think they count as a family anymore. FDC convinces McG to stay, too, by way of bribe with a 400lb lobster.

It appears that McG and Danno don’t just stick around for a quick bite, because before we know it it’s dark outside, Grace is asleep in her chair, and everyone at the table appears to be a bit drunk. Good, responsible parenting there. How are you gonna get your shitty daughter home? Anyways, Danno spots a couple of guys in “cheap aloha shirts” at the bar, and notices that he saw one of them coming out of his brother’s room in a waiter outfit earlier that day. He and McG decide to say hello.

But seriously, anyone could spot these two in a crowd…

The feds aren’t so forthcoming with why they’re investigating FDC, so McG pulls out his trump card. He calls the Gov’nah. Now, here’s another moment where I’m going to ask you guys to help me, because this is the second time in TWO WEEKS that the Gov’nah has told the Feds what to do. Does it work this way, or is this show more confused and ass-backwards than I initially realized? Gov’nah = State, FBI = Federal, doesn’t Federal always trump state?

Anyways, the Feds spill the beans that FDC is apparently wanted for defrauding his investors out millions of dollars. Right…like I’m going to suspend my disbelief so hard that I buy Dane Cook as the guy who runs a hedge fund. Or runs anything that’s more important than a single McDonald’s franchise. But anyways, according to the feds, he skimmed millions and millions off of his investors, which is basically about like this:

According to FDC, this is like flipping the bird 2.0.

The Fed tells him he can’t say anything to FDC or he’ll be prosecuted for obstruction. Well, earlier they were talking about how H50 had full immunity and means…if the Gov’nah supersedes the FBI, then wouldn’t her immunity also? Whatever.

Danno immediately tells McG that there’s no way that his kid brother wouldn’t have done this. He relates the story of how FDC was there for him when Rachel divorced his ass…how he came over and just talked with Danno all night over a couple beers, every single night for 6 months, and how FDC is the only reason the lonely island of Hawaii is blessed with Danno. Aw. McG is open to the idea that this may be a setup, but tells Danno to take whatever time he needs to help his brother.

The next day Boomer and McG go to meet the Deputy Prosecutor, who apparently is in charge of the threat file on the judge. The DP tells that that there’s one guy on the list who really stands out, due to his arson conviction, proven technical skills, and recent parole. He tells them the guy is staying with an old girlfriend of his, and they head right on over…

The DP finishes having lunch with his kid. Wuh-oh. Anyways, he watches his kid get into his car and start to drive off, when his phone rings. NotSoapy gives him the same shitty “I hope you said goodbye” line, just about the same time that Jin and Boomer and McG are busting into suspect #1’s residence.

This is not a guy that’s looking to blow things up. At least not cars. But maybe dat ass!!

So they realize it’s not the naked guy, and NotSoapy flips the switch.

Am I the only one who finds it weird that the umbrellas to the right weren’t even slightly moved by the ‘blast’?

At the crime scene, Jin talks to the DP, Boomer collects cameras from the tourists, and McG just happens to stumble upon another remote trigger. This one, conveniently, is more intact.

Danno decides to drop in on FDC, who greets him with all the composure of someone who just got walked in on while wankin’ with a very shaky “I didn’t think I’d see you so soon!” He starts closing file folders and is all dodgy answering questions about some new client, and Danno is concerned. FDC tells Danno he’s gotta meet with this new guy asap, so rain check.

Boomer brings all the photos from the cameras, etc., to the table. McG is kind enough to state out loud for those viewers who aren’t keeping up that, since some of these people were snapping photos around the area and time where the bomb went off, they maybe accidentally got a photo of the bomber…

Not surprisingly, since this is a TV show after all, one of the photos happens to contain a red SUV. The wheel wells have mud all over them, indicating this guy may have driven off road, and again, since this is H50, their amazing computers have no trouble at all confirming that the treads from the iPhone photo Jin took match the treads from this SUV, which, by the way, was quite a ways off in the distance and had to be magnified a huge bit. Also, the angle is way different.

If you ignore science, this is pretty neat…

Unfortunately there’s no clear shot of the plates, but they see what appears to be a rental tag, so McG asks her to cut the crust of his sandwiches and call every rental car company on the island to find out who rented a red SUV. He gets a call from Danno, who has that crazy look in his voice, so McG tells him to sit tight and hurries out to meet him.

Through some good sleuth work, in is able to determine that the remote trigger is part of a remote control for a radio controlled airplane, and traces it back to a shop. The shopkeeper tells him that she sold three of these planes (and thus 3 controls) to a guy last week…Wuh-oh! There’s ONE LEFT!!!

Danno and McG tail FDC as he heads to his business meeting. Danno gets happy feet and calls the number of the chartered flight service that he found in FDC’s hotel room. They don’t have any kind of listing for FDC, so Danno hangs up. He then pulls one of those fun little sonic guns out of somewhere so he can get a good listen in on whatever it is that FDC is going to be discussing…

Just think…if he’d pointed this at the camera, all he’d be hearing was the repeated mantra of 10 million female viewers… “take your shirt off, McG….take your shirt of, McG…”

FDC gets frisked, which is not SOP for a business meeting. Danno notices that this is odd, as well, and just then the sound goes all hinky and they give up and drive off. Danno catches up to him at the beach, where he’s hanging out with Rachel and Grace. Danno tries to get more info out of him, but FDC isn’t biting.

Also, I’d make a joke about Aviators here, but I’m afraid FDC would steal it and use it on tour.

FDC runs off to play with Grace in the water, and Rachel comes over to talk to him. He does the only sensible thing and tells her all about the FBI thing. She tells him that he’s gotta tell his brother about it. Again, Danno does the only sensible thing and listens to his ex-wife’s advice. He goes back up to FDC’s hotel room and straight up confronts him.

Well, it turns out that FDC somehow actually was stealing money from his clients. He confesses all of this to his brother. He tells him that he came to Hawaii to try to cut a deal to fix everything, probably with Esteban or whatever the (possible) drug lord’s name was. He tells Danno it fell through. Danno tells him they’re going to go back to the states and FDC is going to turn himself in. He then makes another smart play and leaves FDC alone in his hotel room to go work on the case, which was coming along ok without him. Genius.

Boomer, in all her crust-trimming glory, finds the guy who rented the red SUV. He’s from Wyoming, so what’s his tie to the judge and DP? Well, his kid was apparently in Hawaii for school, and got arrested and sentenced to 18 months for a DUI. Oh, come fucking on. 18 months for a first time offender 20 year old getting a DUI? Less believable than Fucking Dane Cook as a hedge fund manager. Nope, no way. DUIs are horrible…driving in that state is selfishly irresponsible. But 18 months in prison for a kid? Never would that kind of sentence get handed out. I’ve had a few friends who spent a night…and were out the next day with required Defensive Driving and Community Service, and a massive fine.

Then again…

Anyways, it turns out the kid got shanked in a mess-hall fight about a week ago. That seems to explain the sudden blowing up of things and people…

Jin and McG head out to meet NotSoapy’s ex-wife. She tells the whole story of how her kid got a Dewey and was used to set an example to everyone else. She moved to Hawaii to try to appeal the punishment, but her baby daddy couldn’t visit his own son in prison because he was a felon! Apparently all NotSoapy ever said to her about the whole deal, though, was that he “never got to say goodbye.” Well, now I get the line. I still think it’s a terrible line. They ask her where he is staying, and book it out there.

McG kicks through the door like it’s made of paper, and they learn that NotSoapy is NotPresent. McG finds the remotes, or rather the boxes that the remotes would be in, but they’re all gone! It looks like NotSoapy is out to finish his rampage!! Jin reads through the mail and finds out that apparently NotSoapy wasn’t pleased at all with the public defender on their kid’s case…so they know who the third target is!!!

We cut to a school, where a kid is looking around near a table for something. Suddenly we hear NotSoapy ask him if he’s looking for his bag, and then see him hand it over to the kid. Brilliant. Now, the kid is all grateful, and just shoulders the bag and wanders off. NotSoapy calls after him to remember to double-check his homework. The kid continues to wander off, apparently not noticing the extra weight of explosives in his bag.

I wouldn’t think guys that look like this would be allowed within 1000 feet of a school….just sayin’…

Now, if it was me, the first thing I’d do when I got my bag back would be CHECK TO MAKE SURE NOTHING WAS STOLEN!!! That would completely foil the plan…when the kid opened the bag and his Chemistry book was replaced by a bomb. But this kid is apparently a dumbass.

The kid wanders across the parking lot to meet his mom, who’s picking him up from school. Silly H50, kids these days don’t get picked up at the school by their parents…they get picked up like 17 blocks away so their parents don’t have a chance to embarrass them by doing something horrible like not being transparent.

Anyways, her phone rings, and her kid gives her lip about her phone always being on vibrate, and she tells him when he’s older he’ll understand…anyways, he tells her she should answer it, even though the screen simply reads (unknown number). So she does, and it’s not NotSoapy! It’s McG!!! He tells them to GTFO and run!! So they do!!!

McG and Danno arrive at the same time, and Boomer escorts the almost victims to safety while McG and Danno approach the creepy guy in the red SUV. Even though Danno did jack shit on this whole case, he gets the collar, all while the creepy guy is lamenting not getting to say goodbye to his kid before he got shanked.

Danno tells McG all about his brother…McG offers to give the two of them a ride to the airport. However, when they get to FDC’s hotel room, the only people that are in there are the Feds!! They tell Danno that suddenly his bro went dark, right before he made a deal with Esteban (oh, we learn his name is Pedro, but that’s just so stereotypical that I’m changing it to Esteban) to launder some money. They ask Danno if he knows where his brother is. Danno says no, and McG acts guilty. The Feds question him, and he lies and tells them that FDC has a boat docked at the harbor and is all like COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY, COME SAIL AWAY WITH MEEEEEE!!! They buy it and run off.

Danno uses the opportunity to get in his car and haul ass out to the airport where the chartered flight from earlier will be taking off. He gets out there and sees his bro getting onto the plane. They have a long chat where FDC further sucks at acting, and Danno does a really great job, and it’s all so one-sided that…

FDC falls asleep with his eyes open…

In the end, Danno isn’t able to convince his brother not to get on the plane and flee. FDC tells Danno to either shoot him, or say goodbye. I was praying for the shoot him option, but alas. FDC flies off into the sunset, and Danno cries a bit about it.

Oh, right…and then it ends with Danno driving through the city thinking about how shitty FDC was at acting, and how shitty he was at being a little brother, too. And I have to listen to a Pearl Jam song, and if you knew me you’d understand that I have a very strong dislike for Pearl Jam…mostly just Eddie Vedder…and then Danno gets to Rachel’s house and she gives him a big hug when he tells her the news.

The end.

And here’s hoping that Fucking Dane Cook doesn’t return.