Hawaii Five-0: Something’s Fishy…

Well, this week’s episode of H50 was actually one of the weakest of the season. I’m not saying that in a grumbly way…wait, yeah, I kinda am. It was just weak. And I don’t mean to complain, it’s just that due to my “waiting til the last minute” attitude, I’m writing this and watching the ‘Hawks play the Canucks…so yeah, I’m splitting my attention, but I love you guys, so I really just wanted to get this out.

**edit…I failed. Sorry.

So the episode starts off with McG and Danno hiking. Danno is doing what he always does when he gets roped into joining McG for a misadventure. This time, though…they’re hiking through the incredible Hawaiian jungle. Danno calls it child abuse.

Danno has a funny idea of child abuse…which is not a laughing matter.

Danno asks what’s wrong with just going to a baseball game, and acts all stunned that McG has never been to a professional baseball game. Correct me if I’m wrong (and believe me, I’m not), but Hawaii doesn’t have a pro baseball team…I mean, shouldn’t the expectation be that he hasn’t been to a professional baseball game?

Anyways, McG makes him shut up and just take in the view. Of course he then spoils the silence by talking about some package he got from the toolbox that was stolen…Special K apparently thinks Wo Fat is playing games with their hearts, which means nothing to anyone, so they move on. Apparently there’s a question now, because of what Wo Fat said about not digging to deep into his family’s past, about whether McG Sr. was a dirty copy.

Anyways, they get to the petroglyphs, and Danno seems pretty much unimpressed. McG glances over his shoulder and  notices a few broken sticks, and so something is obviously very wrong. He runs over to the edge and sees a guy lying on the ledge below, so he does what any sane individual would do. He opens his pack, grabs a long rope, and climbs down to check on the guy.

Ok, what the hell is with these pants? I mean, nice calves and all, but seriously…dudes don’t wear capris.

Or do we? Maybe that’s my issue…

McG gets to the guy, who happens to be very, very dead.

INTRO!!!!

Anyways, back to the dead guy on the ledge. He was shot, but there’s no blood at the scene, so he was clearly killed elsewhere. The conclude that the body was dumped…from a plane or a chopper. A plane? Really…planes move very fast…they don’t hover…and there are mountains everywhere, which means it would’ve been a long fall at a high speed…this dead guy is very much intact. I don’t think he was thrown from a plane. I’m just sayin’…

McG goes to climb back up, with Danno spotting him, and he slips! But it’s ok…and then…!

“When I said ‘this is gonna rock,’ this is not what I had in mind…”

So this stunt double, which looks nothing like McG, gets hit in the face with a huge fake rock that was just loosely waiting for someone to accidentally grab it…and he falls and hits his head pretty hard and breaks his arm. The rope, sadly, isn’t one of those fancy elven ropes from LotR that comes unknotted when you want it to, and it’s snagged on a branch so Danno can’t draw it up and toss it to McG. McG tells him to climb to the summit to get a medivac team, but first asks for his pack, because it’s apparently really cool to watch McG splint his own broken arm.

Actually, it is. Anyways, McG notices some fish scales in the exit wound of the bullet.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer receives a distressing call. Her and Jin’s aunt is very sick…her kidneys are shutting down…and she wants to see them tonight. Well, we remember that Jin isn’t exactly on good terms with most of his family because of that whole “dirty cop” thing that he was accused of.

Danno gets through, and Jin sends a rescue chopper, and a crime unit for the dead guy. Danno comes back, and McG tells him that it’s about to rain, and that things are gonna get slippery if it does, so he needs to get off the ledge. Of course. Danno climbs down and untangles the rope, and tosses it to McG, and climbs back up, and helps McG climb back up one-armed…

…in case you were wondering why the ladies want me, and not you…think of all the other things I can do better than you with only one hand…

Anyways, Danno makes fat jokes about McG, which makes me and pretty much every other man ever feel incredibly self-conscious. The chopper arrives, etc., and everyone is happy. Oh, right…except the dead guy.

Jin comments on how whoever dumped the body probably was hoping it’d never be found. Like some people who dump bodies are hoping the authorities will come across them in a timely fashion and this is an exception. Anyways, Jin continues on to tell us that the dead guy owns a fishing boat. Danno pulls out the bag of fish scales and decides that maybe IDing the fish scales will lead them to their crime scene. Jin tells them he has an ichthyologist friend at the university, so he’ll have that guy look into it.

Ichthyologist…I…hm…yep, I’m pretty sure I’m never going to want sex ever again…with anyone.

Dammit.

Anyways, Jin further reveals that the dead guy is only in their system because he got in a scuffle with some rough lookin’ white dude with a mean snake tat a couple days prior. So, clearly, the first place they go is to the docks to find Snake. Oh, right, Snake is a licensed chopper pilot.

So, at the docks, Danno sends Boomer off to tell the dead guy’s kid that his dad is dead. Nice, man. She goes to tell the guy, who turns out to be Ando!! He’s sad, and can’t believe anyone would hurt his dad. Same old story. Also, in response to the whole “has your dad been acting weird lately” question, he tells them that his dad was using his laptop recently, which was strange. Ando, that’s not strange…he probably just got sick of paying $9 an issue at the news stand…

Jin and Danno see Snake pulling his boat into dock…

They see me floatin’…..they hatin’….

Anyways, they call out for him to stop, but he notices that McG isn’t there, so of course he juices it and tries to get away from them. He just makes one tragic mistake…he for some reason drives the boat a little too close to the dry land…when he could’ve…ya know…pulled away from the dock…of course, we all know, the only reason he does this is to give the non-McGs their moment…

“…I seriously can’t even believe we’re getting to do this…”

Anyways, they pull their guns and tell him to cut the engine, so he does. They tie him up and ask him why he ran. He gives them some glib response about how he loves cops so much…he just wanted to make sure their hearts stayed healthy. So anyways, they don’t buy it, and Jin decides to illegally search his shit. He finds some meth, and the guy starts singing immediately. He tells our guys that he got in a fight w/ the dead guy because someone has the fishermen running drugs, but it’s an all-or-none deal, and the dead dude is not cool with being a part of this. The dead guy just didn’t want Ando to get involved…

Back at H50, Danno and Boomer discuss Snake and whether or not they think he’s the killer. His GPS indicates he was way offshore on his boat when the dead guy, well, died. Also, the helicopter that they thought he had, that really strengthened their suspicions against him…well, it was foreclosed on.

So, it turns out that Ando’s old man was sneaking around on his kid’s laptop for more than just free porn and Facebook of Sex (whatever that is…). He was also looking for information on some girl that was killed a couple of weeks before while on Spring Break. Wrong kinda Spring Break video, old man…

Jin comes back and his ichthyologist friend has ID’d the fish scales as some rare ass-fish, of which only one load has been sold today, off dead dude’s boat.

Ugh, that’s just a little TOO convenient…

It’s looking less and less likely that Snake is the killer. Just then, Boomer’s phone rings, and she suddenly sounds sad. Auntie is on her last legs, so her and Jin take off while Danno waits at HQ for McG. They get over to their Aunt’s house, and everyone just kinda stops talking and stares when Jin comes in.

They go talk to their aunt, and she’s glad to see them. Then their uncle comes in, and asks Jin for a word. They go into a room across the hall, and have a bit of an argument. Meanwhile, Boomer stays with her aunt, who tells her that it’s up to her to make Jin and his uncle get along again.

Then there’s this little filler where it seems like they were like “oh shit there aren’t enough commercials to fill out the time slot, so they show Goomba picking McG up at the hospital.

Back to Jin and Boomer. Boomer tells him that her theory about what happened is that their Uncle, who was also a cop, took the money, but Jin took the fall for it and was kicked off the force. She wants to know why, and he tells her to drop it. He tells her that their Uncle did take the money, to pay for a kidney for his wife on the black market. Jin got blamed and just kinda took it. She tells him he’s gotta tell the truth once their aunt dies. That’s what their uncle wants, too…

McG and Danno go to check on the rare ass-fish…and this guy is singing karaoke…and I have trouble understanding what the guy’s singing…I mean, I know it’s What a Wonderful World, but it sounds like it’s in a foreign language. And then I listened closer…

I see tlees of gleen, led loses too…I see them broom, fol me and you…

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH, they’re just pandering to stereotypes. Anyways, McG says “excuse me” in Japanese…and man, his Japanese is worse than his Chinese…it actually hurts to hear. Why do they insist on making him be able to “speak” every language necessary. They ask the guy to see the catch of ass-fish. McG makes Danno dig through the fish, because he can’t get his cast wet…like McG ever follows rules. Except now, when he doesn’t want to be stinky. Anyways, they find a fish with a bullet hole.

McG grabs some chopsticks to fish (*ahem*) the bullet out.

Back at H50 HQ, Boomer comments on the smell. McG tells her that Danno went to change, but he, being awesome, has no such regards for others. Anyways, speaking of fumes, the dead guy apparently had jet fuel on his clothes, and he probably came into contact with it only a couple hours before he died. And, of course, because it’s H50, this is rare ass-fuel, too. It’s eco-friendly, and only used by one airstrip on the island.

Danno and McG head to the airfield, and find out, again, that Mr dead guy wanted to use a computer. This time, though, the guy has specifics…he was looking for a specific flight manifest, but no one knows for what flight…they investigate his locker and find a stolen manifest for a plane owned by some holding company, and it’s for passage for one person to Hong Kong.

Back at H50 again, they investigate that holding company that owned the plane, and learn that it’s Donald Rutherford, father of Jordan Rutherford, who I haven’t yet told you was responsible for killing that girl over spring break. OOOOH. The gang has a real tough time putting this whole thing together, somehow, that our dead guy was looking into the case and works at the airfield and stole the manifest for the plane…guys!!! GET WITH IT!!!

Shake it off, Jin…

Seriously, I don’t know what it is, but I feel like everyone took stupid pills this week. McG and Danno head out to Donald Rutherford’s house, and buzz the intercom. Donnie says he’ll be right down. After like 5 seconds of waiting, McG decides he’s probably running, and kicks the door in. They search the house, and he’s nowhere to be found. They notice that the back door is still lock, so they know he’s still in the house. Danno wants to call the dogs, but McG has a better idea. He has x-ray vision in the trunk of his car! They take the x-ray vision machine down to the basement, and they see someone hiding in the floor!!

This is all very Silence of the Lambs.

They get down in the basement, and Donnie has a gun pointed at McG. McG plays nice and puts his gun away. They talk to Donnie about how his kid is a murderer, but they’re getting nowhere so Danno distracts him and McG goes for the 1-handed take down!

Boomer goes and tells Ando that his daddy is a hero. Thanks to him, they caught the spring break murderer! The kid gives her some rope…he tied it in a special knot.

Ok, cut. Not sure how many of you guys are baseball fans, but I’m a huge Braves fan. Last season, John Smoltz announced a lot of Braves games…he was an ex-Braves pitcher, will be a Hall of Famer, and just a real fan-favorite. For some silly reason, he insisted on telling corny jokes during the game. One every game. This moment made me think of one…

So, a rope walks into a bar, hops up on a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at the rope and says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” The rope looks dejected, and leaves the bar. He goes around a corner and unravels his ends, and then loops around himself. He returns to the bar, hops on the same stool, and asks for a beer, again. The bartender asks “aren’t you the same rope from earlier?” The rope replies:

Nope…I’m a frayed knot.

Boom. I should totally Costanza out on that one, but I’ll finish the recap. There’s some sad music playing, while the gang heads to the airfield and watches Jordan Rutherford return from Hong Kong and get arrested. The music fades out, and the gang and Goomba are out to eat. The waitress wants to sign McG’s cast, but Danno objects because McG wouldn’t let Danno sign it. Goomba creates a sling out of a tablecloth to get some attention, and yadda yadda…anyways, everyone’s happy, and there are fireworks, and then Jin gets the call. Auntie’s dead. Sadface…

And seriously, would it have been SO hard to work in a “something’s fishy” joke? C’mon, writers…it’s a GIMMER!!!