Hawaii Five-0: The Fugitive!!

So this week’s obligatory Hawaii Five-0 reference is…The Fugitive!! Except that there’s a lot less running involved, and instead of a train, they’re on a boat, mother fuckers! Anyways, this is a lovely little episode, and it really starts off fast.

The episode starts off with a lady getting murdered, and some poor little girl hiding under the couch sees the whole thing. The next thing we know, some guy is sprinting down the street holding a bloody knife!

Apparently his mom never told him not to run with sharp objects…

The police are chasing him, so he he makes a series of leaps over different objects, as is customary for the show…trash cans, cars, and fences are all no match for the leaping abilities of H50 actors!

Cut to an old ex-Navy guy giving a tour on the decommissioned USS Missouri. He asks if anyone can give a fun fact about the ship, and some suckup girl in the crowd raises her hand and informs everyone else that she’s a douchebag with low self-esteem. Also that the Japanese surrendered to the Allies on this very ship. But mostly the first thing.

Don’t you just want to teabag her?

The fugitive runs into the naval base/museum, and takes a hostage and climbs onto the ship, screaming “I DIDN’T KILL MY WIFE!!!” We’ve all heard that line before, and from a scruffier lookin’ nerf-herder, too. I’m not spoiling the secret yet, but at least one or two of you guys will get a KICK out of it when I reveal who the fugitive was in a past life.

INTRO!!!

The episode proper kicks off with McG and Danno arriving to meet up with the Governor’s new liaison of public safety. I’m thinking that’s an office that was just invented thanks to McG’s reckless-yet-effective tactics. And the liaison is played by the very beautiful and very underused…

Kelly Hu! Kelly who?!? Kelly HU! WHO?!?! HU!!!!

Wait, who?!? Hu? As in “Hu’s on first?” No? All this confusion is giving me aneurism face!

So anyways, she briefs our boys on the situation, and informs them that the fugitive is none other than Joe Dirt’s good buddy Kickin’ Wing!!! Also, apparently after finally investing in “the good stuff” and realizing great success with his firework stand, Mr. Wing got bored with that life and joined the Navy…and now he’s an ex-SEAL. That’s a lot of adventure, KW!

So it turns out that KW has threatened to kill hostages if anyone tries anything funny, and his only request is that the police find his wife’s murderer. She then tells them that he’s the primary suspect, mostly because HPD found him standing over her cold, lifeless body with a bloody knife in his hand, and that he booked it when they showed up.

McG decides that due to the circumstances, he must go in alone. Danno calls him an idiot for it, and McG explains that if SWAT goes in instead the hostages will die! So, obviously McG can’t just walk in the front door (do ships have front doors?), so an alternate plan must be devised. McG tells Danno that due to the epic disappointment of last week’s episodes and crazy stalker-ish letters from someone calling himself “Dangerously,” he’s going to get on the ship from the water, since KW will be watching all the land entrances…

You…like…muscles…?

His agent must’ve really laid into the writers after last week’s debacle, because McG stays shirtless and on camera for a good few minutes.

Boomer and Jin show up and re-brief Danno and McG on what’s gone down, and then add that apparently there was a kid who may have seen something since she was hiding under the couch. Boomer volunteers since she assumes they’ll make her deal with the kid anyways since she’s the only chick on the team, but Danno assures her that it wouldn’t have anything to do with her gender, just with the fact that she’s a rookie, because that’s way worse.

McG announces that he’ll have his phone, but “don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Boomer quips that he’s probably used that line before. He then mentions that he’ll make contact once he’s in a secure location, and Jin follows up with “I bet you’ve used that one, too.” McG then says he’s going to go get wet, and we’re all like “lol that’s what she said!”

I’m wondering why McG just happened to have a waterproof bag and pair of goggles with him when he left the house this morning…and can only assume that he and his navy gf were getting into something a little kinky.

I mean, if this doesn’t scream “best sex you’ll ever have,” I don’t know what does…

So after what seems like an eternity, McG is onboard the ship and finally has his clothing on again. Nothing against everyone who enjoys the shirtless McG, but after that much time I just start feeling bitter that I’m not getting eye candy of my own.

McG runs into the salty old ex-Navy tour guide who explains that a few members of his tour group didn’t evacuate fast enough and are now hostages. The old man tells him to put his stupid map away, because he’s going to come along and be McG’s personal GPS, and we’re just hoping that we don’t have to hear the incessant “turn right ahead. Turn Right! TURN RIGHT! Tur–oh, fuck it, recalculating route,” that most GPS’s bring to the table…

So Boomer goes to visit the kid, and promises her that she won’t ask any questions for now, and just tells her that she’s got some shave ice back in her van if the kid wants to come with her. Amazingly Lilly’s parents apparently never taught her not to get in the car with strangers, and so she tags along….

“It’s ok, your mom is dead…you don’t have to listen to her anymore…”

Back on the ship, Kickin’ Wing is yelling at his hostages to keep quiet, when some lady announces that she’s hypoglycemic and will pass out if she doesn’t eat soon. He asks if anyone has any food, and wouldn’t ya know it, the fat guy in the group just so happens to have a bag of peanuts. Also, since the fat guy this time is played by Edgar from 24, we know he’s gonna get bitch-slapped at some point.

At the crime scene, Jin observes that the murder involved a lot of struggling prior to a successful kill, which seems odd considering how could an ex-seal have this much trouble taking down his 100lb wife? Danno launches into some spiel about how first maybe he just wanted to make her suffer, etc., and Jin asks about Danno’s previous marriage.

They find a journal that’s written in Russian and a key for a safety deposit box. McG calls them and they tell him all this, and he mentions that KW is acting very paranoid, which is abnormal for a SEAL, apparently. Jin runs upstairs and checks the medicine cabinet, and apparently this guy is on some pretty heavy stuff, and it doesn’t look like he’s been taking his pills recently. That’s not what we’d consider “ideal.”

Danno and Jin meet with the shrink that was treating KW, and she tells them he was being treated for PTSD, and that they’d been making progress on his condition until he stopped taking his medication, which can apparently lead to blackouts. Danno and Jin wonder if perhaps he killed his wife during a blackout and thus doesn’t remember it.

Back on board the ship, the same lady who was complaining earlier is having trouble again. Seriously, you’d think KW would just let her go to be rid of her annoying ass. KW starts acting sick, and Edgar senses his chance to get bitchslapped!

I miss Chloe…she used to bitchslap me the best…

…but this’ll do nicely…

So McG hops up to try to help poor Edgar, who’s bleeding from his head, and KW turns the gun on him and tells him he knows that he’s not just a tourist who got lost. McG comes clean and tells him that he’s an ex-SEAL too, and now with the Five-0. He convinces KW to let him at least clean Edgar up and make him pretty again, and gets everyone to empty their purses so he can hopefully find some things to fix him up. He tells KW that his team is trying to find out who actually murdered his wife, and that seems to calm KW down a little.

Boomer and the kid are enjoying some shave ice, which I guess is Hawaiin for sno-cones? Anyways, Boomer keeps talking to her, and asks why she’s not eating the lemon flavor of her sno-cone when the kid finally decides to talk…and tells her that her dad eats that part.

“It’s like they say, kid…a sno-cone with a stranger is better than sno-cone at all…”

So while McG is treating Edgar, he starts making smalltalk with KW and gets him to talk about his wife, who we learn is from Russia, and that Lilly was from a previous marriage. KW admits that he’s been tough to live with recently, and that sometimes his wife is scared of him, but that he was getting better. He said that when he gets worked up now, he takes a couple of laps around the block to clear his head, and that’s exactly what he did this morning, but this time when he came home his wife was dead, and the cops showed up as he was trying to resuscitate her, so he ran.

For playing the hero and getting his obligatory bitchslap, Edgar is released to get real medical help. KW then locks McG in the bathroom and moves his hostages. He then calls Danno, who gives him shit about how he could’ve gotten locked in the bathroom too…it’s like me watching a football game…”I could get paid 2 million dollars to drop that pass, you pansy! You’re gonna get hit anyways, at least earn your money!!”!

Anyways, Danno is still digging deeper into the investigation, and he and McG are still on the phone, and suddenly there’s a sound like a gunshot and McG has to hang up! Then, suddenly, the door opens, and it’s the salty old sailor come to the rescue! McG takes one look at him and is all like…

You motor-boatin’ son of a bitch! You old sailor, you!!!

Back outside, Edgar comes running from the ship screaming “DON’T SHOOT!!” and Kelly Hu (who?!?) practices her aneurism face….

Of all the hostages, they had to let him go?!? Couldn’t they have killed him off like they did on 24?!?

So McG uses some makeup that he pilfered to wipe down the blade of the knife and recover a fingerprint, which he then takes a photo of with his trusty iPhone and sends off for analysis. He tells the salty old sailor that KW has probably relocated to the pilot house, and SOS tells him he knows a shortcut. On the way he tells McG that he knew his grandfather…the one who went down with the Arizona.

Boomer gets the kid to tell about what happened that morning by drawing about it. She was hiding under the couch, and she draws a pair of shoes. She says they don’t belong to her dad, but to the man that yelled at her mom. And then suddenly a man walks up and Lilly freaks out, and Boomer goes to try to stop the man, who presumably owns the shoes in question, and Lilly runs the other way…

…and gets into ANOTHER stranger’s car!!!

I’ve made a HUGE mistake…

Back on the ship, McG tells Kickin’ Wing that he believes that he didn’t kill his wife, and that they’re close to being able to prove it but that he needs to let the hostages go. KW doesn’t like the idea of freeing people, so he shoots out the windows.

Back in H50 HQ, they figure out that KW’s wife’s ex-husband isn’t dead like he’d thought, but instead is very much alive. Apparently she had just fled from him, and started a new life in Hawaii, and he did not appreciate this very much. Boomer recognizes him as the guy who kidnapped Lilly, and they see that he’s chartered a flight off the island in an hour! Jin, Boomer, and Danno take off to stop the plane.

Back on the ship, McG throws a tear gas grenade into the ship’s hold and puts on a gas mask. The SOS evacuates the hostages and McG looks for Kickin’ Wing, but KW finds him first. They leave the room with all the gas and McG’s phone rings. McG answers it on speaker, and Danno tells them that the guy who did this is KW’s wife’s ex-husband, and I’m pretty sure KW says “that’s unpossible,” but maybe he just didn’t annunciate well. KW doesn’t take it very well, and is convinced they’re just trying to pull the wool over his eyes, so he throws McG’s shiny iPhone 4 into the ocean!

Dude, c’mon! Applecare does NOT cover this kind of thing! GEEZ!

He tells McG to get on his knees and put his hands behind his back, and we’re all like “lol McG I hope you’ve trained your gag reflex!”

Kelly Hu can’t get in touch with McG, so she orders SWAT to go in.

We move onward to the most unrealistic scene of the series. Danno sees the getaway plane, and drives onto the runway to stop it. He accelerates past the plane, which is still feasible since it’s just in taxi mode, but it’s still not going slow, and Danno speeds past it, then pulls a fancy J-turn perfectly in front of the plane, which SLAMS ON IT’S BRAKES and stops a mere few feet from the car.

I mean, this is just PLANE crazy…

The bad guys are arrested, and Lilly is safe.

Back on the ship, SWAT has KW surrounded. He appears to be ready to go out shooting, and just before SWAT takes the killshot McG comes diving in to save the day. On the way out, they give him a minute with his kid without the handcuffs. He tells Lilly she’ll be staying with her aunt, and that he needs to get get better, and we fade to black.

So, again, I want to say “you’re welcome” for the Alex O toplessness. My only wish in return is that you all convince the writers to keep Kelly Hu on board as a more prominent character…please? It looks like she’ll be in at least one more, but not next week’s.

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