Hawaii Five-0: The Human Torch

Well, there was more skin in the first 2 minutes of this week’s Hawaii Five-0 than there’s been in the previous 10 episodes. Unfortunately, ladies, this time it’s totally aimed right at me.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Oh, wait…I guess you’ll get that in a minute…

I know, I know…she’s nothing next to McG. Anyways, what better excuse to have models running around in little-to-no clothing than a Hawaii photoshoot. So the photographer is doing what photographers do and telling her to love the camera and all that jazz, and they wrap up the photoshoot and he and Redbikini (I’m sorry, I’m sure they have names, but…) step off to the side, and the photographer tells her he wants to get married, and she’s super happy so he’s super happy, and they part ways to get ready for the next set.

In the background, Elf-Ears watches the photographer and Redbikini be happy. Elf-Ears doesn’t look so happy. The production assistant asks her if she’s ok, and she says she’s peachy, but she isn’t!

This is Elf-Ears…

Ok, and seriously, a swimsuit model is going to marry her photographer. Brilliant plan, right? Since, you know, his career choice is taking pictures of nearly naked women (who he has a propensity to sleep with) all the time. He’s not going to change his job, after all…and you know when he gets back with his boys he’s all like “You know what’s great about swimsuit models? I keep gettin’ older, and they stay the same age!!!”

Alright alright alright…

So the photographer heads into his trailer, and Redbikini and Elf-Ears head into their tents to change into whatever they’re wearing next. Photographer starts admiring things in his trailer, and then starts searching pockets of jeans and such for something…keys, secret stash, who knows, when he hears a sound at the door, and tries to open it but it’s locked!!! And then suddenly there’s a fire under the trailer! UH OH!!! And then the fire makes it to the INSIDE of the trailer!

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

And he just stands there and slaps the door and screams instead of GOING OUT OF ONE OF THE WINDOWS!!!! And all of the girls come out of the tents in the same bikinis they were wearing, so I guess they didn’t have time to change, and start running toward the trailer! (…I need a moment…) Oh, and then the trailer explodes! Both Elf-Ears and Redbikini are devastated! I guess we know this week’s mystery!

Intro!!!

Post-Intro, we get a montage of McG running, but not shirtless. No, the McRib is not back this episode. However, this little scene completes a bit of a circle for me. I was out seeing a movie with a friend last weekend, and she said something that struck me as quite profound. “It doesn’t matter how good of shape you’re in, every man just looks like a hillbilly redneck in a tank-top.” I laughed, and then cried because I realized she was talking about me…aww…no, she wasn’t. I have a duty to the general public at large, and that’s to cover up as much of my reflectively white skin as possible. She was referring, of course, to the movie we’d just seen – The Lincoln Lawyer, starring the aforementioned (afore-alluded-to?) Matthew McConaughey. She’s from GA, I’m from GA, we’re allowed to say such things. The question is, though:

Does it hold true when applied here?

When McG gets back to his truck, there’s another yellow envelope addressed to him, and in it is a locker key! From like a bus station or bowling alley or something! Who knows. McG gets aneurism face, and we cut to Boomer.

Boomer is in a bathing suit, too. I’m resisting the urge to rub it in y’all’s face by posting a picture, but my night just got a lot better. She’s helping some different shirtless guy out with a charity event that involves surfing with little kids. I’m not sure what the point is, exactly, of this, except to show us that Boomer is just a really awesome chick. Duh. Of course, right as she’s saying she “can’t imagine a better way to spend her day off,” her phone rings. It’s work.

Everyone arrives at the crime scene, and Boomer shows them the lock on the door, and no one is asking the question “WHAT ABOUT THE FRAKIN’ WINDOW?!?” But I digress. They make the astounding observation that this was personal, and finally the brainwork can commence!

Danno volunteers to interview the swimsuit models, and while everyone is making fun of him because they’re all taller than he is (I can make short jokes, I’m just a wittle guy) RedBikini and Elf-Ears start cat-fighting. McG and Danno run over, but instead of doing the sensible thing like grabbing cans of whipped cream or hoses or something and really making this a show, the break up the fight! W…T…F…

Tastes Great! LESS FILLING!!!

Turns out Redbikini thinks Elf-Ears killed the photographer, because they were exes. Redbikini is pregnant. RedBikini and Elf-Ears tell contradicting stories regarding whether Elf-Ears was actually over the photographer. Jin interviews the production assistant, who proves to be slightly more helpful, and tells him about a friend of the photographer’s who she was instructed to allow on the set, and who drove a silver Porche. No more info is given.

Boomer heads over to a lab, that’s just now making it’s first appearance in H50. The guy she’s working with seems to know her from somewhere, but she does not know him. He decides to torment her with this for the rest of the episode. Boomer keeps guessing why she should know him, and he keeps telling her no.

Anyways, flirting aside, he shows her a digital re-enactment of the trailer fire, and then tells her that a) they found something in one of the two gas canisters and they’re trying to figure out what it is and b) he’s running a sample of the gas to determine what gas station it was bought at.

Outside H50, Jin tells McG that his uncle went to IA and told them that Jin didn’t steal the money, because Uncle stole the money to save his wife. Jin is not happy, because he’s afraid that all the baddies that his uncle put behind bars will get a clean slate now! McG offers to call the gov’nah to help, but Jin won’t let him.

Just then Danno shows up, and tells McG that he was thoroughly questioning the models all morning.

The fact that you’re still calling it that tells me you’re not ready…

Anyways, all the other models confirm that both RedBikini and Elf-Ears were in the changing tent when the fire happened. So they didn’t start the fire…it was always burnin’ since the world’s been turnin’!!

Danno shows McG a sheet full of texts from the photographer, and McG looks at them and thinks they’re encoded, but Danno explains that they’re just bets and lines on major sporting events. It turns out that this guy is a major gambler. Danno lets McG know what it’s called when you can’t pay your bookie…

Ok, seriously, it was either that or “In Soviet Russia, bookie burns you!!” This must be what being spoon-fed feels like.

So, after the commercial, Jin heads out to the docks to have a chat with his uncle. He asks Uncle to go back to IA and tell them that he didn’t know what he was saying about taking the money…Uncle says no, he’s done with lies, and Jin needs to let this happen.

Back in the lab, Mystery Guy tells Boomer that the additives in the gas match up with a local chain with a whopping 12 gas stations on the island. Mystery Guy and Boomer head out to sample all 12 stations flavors of gasoline.

Back at H50, Jin shows McG the other mystery dude in the silver Porche, who turns out to be the biggest of the big bookies on the island! Unfortunately, he’s referral only, so they need to find some other way of contacting him.

We’re treated to a nice, pointless montage of boomer and mystery guy running around collecting gas samples. In case you wonder what that looks like, well, basically they’re going to the 12 gas stations and putting gas into gas cans. I’m not sure why they bothered to film that…it’s kinda like watching a character on one of those amazingly awful late night CineMax “specials” take a birth control pill…you know it happened, you don’t need to see it.

Then Danno comes in and tells McG that he’s got a list of people who’ve booked with this bookie, and he’s got the perfect guy to help them. A “real whale.”

Moooooo…wait, what sound do whales make?

Goomba is yelling at his snowcone mascot to get all Hot….Hot….Hottie Jalepeno up in here, and the guy is crying because it’s like 120 degrees in his suit. Puh-lease. When I was in band in HS, I walked around Duluth, GA in a full-on Energizer Bunny costume for a band fundraiser. In August. I’ll bet it’s hotter in GA than it is in Hawaii. According to my research, about 5 degrees on average. And please, one of you tell me that Georgia isn’t humid

So Danno and McG put the squeeze on Goomba, and he tries to deny gambling, because lying to McG is a good idea. I mean, it’s better than running from him, but more on that in a minute. Anyways, the make him call the bookie and tell him that if he wants his money, he’d better come get it.

McG calls Boomer and suggests she and Mystery Guy hurry up and get some evidence from the gas. Mystery Guy suggests some ‘tunes’ to dial down the pressure. He makes a reference to her favorite song, back when she was like 10, which was “On Bended Knee” by a little Boyz II Men. Ugh, missed chance. He shoulda just been like “How ‘bout some Boyz II Men?” “Haha, ok” “I’ll Make Love to You.” Because then he’s got an out if she’s like “AWKWAAAAARRRDDDDD!” “No, the song!” Fail. And if she’s like “SWEET” then I hunt this guy down.

The bookie sends out a couple bruisers to get the cash, and McG and Danno pop out of the bushes and are like “surprise!” Well, first, Danno explains that they don’t sound manly and threatening when they call “beatings” “lickings.” Then he flashes the badge. They do what any sensible idiots do, and run! FROM McG!!! And what happens???

I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to think of making gifs out of the epic take downs in this show. Also, Danno has a pretty great takedown…

MY EYES!!! ZEE GOGGLES! ZEY DO NOTHING!!!!

So after the guys come to their senses, they cooperate with Five-0 and take Danno and McG to Bookie’s place. Bookie acts surprised that the photographer was dead, and is sad because they were friends. He’s also sad because he leant the photographer $291k, which was going to be repaid when the photographer finished his latest album of swimsuit model photos. Wait…how do I get a job where I spend all day on beautiful beaches photographing hot, naked women and make that kind of money? I’m in the wrong industry…

Boomer still can’t guess where she knows the Mystery Guy from, but they did locate the gas station from which the incendiary gas was purchased. One outta two ain’t bad.

Jin heads into IA, and tells them his uncle was lying, and that Jin actually took all the money. They have trouble believing this story, on account of the fact that that money hasn’t really surfaced since the incident. Jin tells them it’s because he never spent it.

Boomer parks her car and sees Jin sitting in his, so she hops in and they discuss the events of the IA meeting. He tells her they are requesting that he produce the $200,000 that he allegedly stole. She tells him he needs to go back and tell the truth, young man! He stamps his feet and slams the door screaming “I HATE YOU!!!”

Back in H50 HQ, Danno tells McG that the photographer apparently had his will set up so that all of his assets went into a trust for some lady named Pauline. Pauline is definitely not the name of his (now) ex-fiance RedBikini, so this is strange. Also, they recovered a melted item from the bottom of one of the gas cans at the murder scene, which is an insanely expensive lighter, which RedBikini was photographed with in an earlier photo shoot!

McG tracks down RedBikini on the beach, and asks her about the lighter. She tells him that Photographer never lent it to anyone…Also, she has no idea who Pauline Lucero is, but she knows who a Shannon Lucero is, and Shannon and the Photographer dated in the early 90s!!!

Just then Jin calls, and tells McG that the $291,000 number is the exact amount the department of agriculture estimates it costs to raise a child to the age of 18…

Me give my heart to a woman? Not for nothin’, never happen…I’ll be forever mackin’…

Jin runs the name Lucero through the computers, and finds out that Pauline is the daughter of Shannon Lucero and the photographer. He recognizes her picture as the production manager from the photo shoot!!! Boomer comes in and tells him that Pauline also purchased the gas!!!

At her hotel, Pauline tries to hail a cab, presumably to gtfo before she gets caught. McG and Danno arrive JUST in time, and she does what any sensible…ah, fuck it…she runs from McG. But she runs worse than most…she runs in a straight line towards the ocean, and then, when she reaches the water, she doesn’t turn left or right to keep running…she just stops. If she was a lab rat, she’d be receiving constant electric shocks…for forgetting to breath.

Personally, I think she ran with the hope that McG would tackle her and they could roll around on the beach. What, is that so implausible?

Please…?

McG’s like “no can dooooosville, babydoll,” and they stick her in the back of the police car. Oh, but first he tells her that maybe her dad wasn’t the awful prick she thought he was…that whole $300k thing, plus there’s a private dick in Italy looking for her, when she was ironically right under his nose.

Epilogue…

At the beach…same charity event from earlier, it seems, Boomer meets up with an old friend. Also, Mystery Guy happens to be her cousin. And apparently he knew her because when they were 10, they played Spin-the-Bottle. She was his first kiss….aw….and then he tries a line on her, and she’s like “whoa, pump yo’ brakes, kid…” but then everyone laughs about it…

Sorry, had to rub it in just a little….

The shirtless guy who’s apparently Boomer’s friend brings one of the kids from his charity up off the beach to meet McG and Danno. She tells him he has a surfer’s haircut, and he argues about it.

Oh, right, and then Jin goes over to the Bookie’s…and hands him the deed to his house, and asks for $200k. No, JIN!!!!