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Well, this episode starts off like almost all of them do…with lots of pretty scenery and people in bathing suits. It’s crazy…aside from Goomba, and the fat kid on the submarine tour a ways back, everyone involved in this show, including all the extras, are nice and fit and pretty. I mean, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be allowed to step off the airplane in Hawaii, based on this show…sad, I’ve always wanted to go there.
So this time, all the pretty people in bathing suits turn out to be college kids on spring break. In Hawaii. It’s one of those celebrations that most of us assume only happen in Barcadi commercials, too. Well, except they’re all drinking beer. But you know those parties, where most of us are just like “pfft, parties like that don’t really happen,” but then the pretty people who are invited to them are like “pfft, yeah they do fatty.”
I also love how there’s one person (crew excluded) on the boat wearing a shirt…and it’s her. She’s so modest that she’s letting the guys spray beer all over her.
I love the shirt that girl is wearing, too. “Hawaii Spring Break ’11”…that’s like buying a shirt at a concert and then putting that shirt on DURING THE CONCERT. Everyone knows you got it at the concert, and it’s just lame. I can’t figure out why this girl gets invited to the party. She’s probably easy.
Anyways, since this is Hawaii Five-0 and not MTV’s Skins, we don’t get an entire episode of hot underaged kids “hooking up.” Is that still what they call it? Anyways, all of a sudden a motorboat comes out of nowhere, and while I know what you’re thinking based on the context of horny teens in skimpy clothing, this is a motorboat (n), not motorboat (v).
Anyways, it comes speeding up and they shoot up the sail of the party boat something fierce, and the captain tells his assistant to get everyone below deck, but the bad guys from the motorboats get there too fast, so the captain pulls out a hangun and points it at one of the bad guys, who decides he doesn’t want to get shot today and thus puts 3 in the captain’s chest. All the kids are escorted off the boat, but one drops his cell phone, and since he’s a college kid he filmed the whole thing so he could tweet about it later.
After the intro, we get Danno helping McG push the old car McG was fixing up a hill. Remember, the one the Chinese guy gave him a master cylinder for a few episodes ago? Anyways, they’re pushing it up the hill and Danno is mad because the car broke down after only 9 miles and he’s stuck helping push it.
What’s the matter, Steve? Why couldn’t ya fix it right? Too worried you’d break a neatly manicured nail if you got in there too deep?
Lol that’s what she said!!
So, after the two are done with the makeup sex, a tow truck shows up and offers to give them a lift. Instead of the normal place, though, they head to the Coast Guard, and are driven out to the now derelict boat.
I can derelict my own balls!
When the gang boards the boat, they find the dead captain, and a dead other guy, who wasn’t there last time we saw it! McG says he looks Tongan, but I don’t know what that means…to me he looks like the other random Hawaiian people on the show. Apparently the Tongans have some pretty wicked pirates these days, which is funny because these guys looked more like Ninjas.
The gang finds the cell phone, too, and McG tells Boomer to stabilize the image and make it clearer. He then decides they need to bring the boat back to land so their forensics geeks can get a good look at it.
Right as they’re about to leave, though…they hear a knocking sound, and…
(I would love to know the onomatopoeia for the dueling screams when Elliot finds ET in the closet, because I’d totally use it here…)
So according to the pretty girl/assistant captain, she was able to hide when the bad guys were herding everyone onto their boat. McG asks if she could tell them what kind of guns they used. She’s says “a machine gun.” Seriously, they want me to believe she doesn’t know what kind of gun this is? I think that EVERYONE knows what kind of gun this is. I want you all to say it together…LOUDLY!!!!
AK FO’TY SEVEN!!!
Seriously, an AK47. Anyways, since she can’t produce that on her own, McG pulls out his phone, because, well…
…there’s an app for that.
And who else but Steve Fucking McGarret would have a gun app on his iPhone? Geez. So she says she got a look at one of their faces, and it was a Pac Islander, but not the dead one.
They’re finished asking her questions, and suddenly Nick Lachey runs up and is all like
I Do (Cherish You)!!!!!
Ok, did I lose you guys with the 98 degrees? Are you guys embarassed for me? It’s funny, when I see this guy I still think Ali Landry before Jessica Simpson…it’s amazing how much of an impression can be made on a teenage boy, right?
Also, I feel that if I don’t mention in, someone else will in the comments, so here goes…Susan is portrayed by Vanessa Minnillo, or soon-to-be Mrs. Lachey. Cute, Five-0…
McG charges Jin with the task of keeping the media from giving out any sensitive information.
Back at H50 HQ, Boomer shows off the cell phone video, and says she’s pulling biometric data from a few of the frames to compare against anyone if they’re brought in. She also pulled background on all the kids that were on the boat, hoping that a criminal record might give something away. It didn’t.
Danno comes in and tells everyone that the kids’ parents have been receiving calls for ransom, and the FBI was brought in, but the Gov’nah put the kibash on that real fast, because she wants Five-0 running with it. Wait, what? A *GOVERNOR* calls off the *FBI*?!?!? Nope. Sorry. What part of FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION makes you think a governor would have any say? (I should really have left my original spelling of “bureau” in there for you all to point and laugh at me…) Danno then tells him that the families are on their way to Hawaii, and obviously they’ll have questions like “when will I get my baby back?!?” and McG’s all like
Give Me Just One Night (una noche)!!
Ok, seriously, I’m done w/ the 98 Degrees now…mostly because I’m all outta song titles.
McG meets with the first parents and hears a tape of the ransom call, and tells them he’ll get their kid back.
McG meets Danno at some jogging (or “yogging,” not sure if it’s a soft j) trail, and they have another argument about the whole car breaking down thing. Just then Goomba walks up, and McG remarks that he’s wearing a plastic bag. Danno asks what he’s doing, and he says “I’m training, brah.” Danno makes a joke about training bras, and Goomba tells him that training bras wouldn’t fit him, what he really needs is a Manzier. He’s training for a Sumo competition…
So they fill Goomba in on the details, and he tells them about a story about a couple that was kidnapped and murdered a few years ago, and the word on the street was that it was a rouge Tongan gang. Yes…they were all a reddish hue. Ok, ok, a rogue Tongan gang. Goomba tells them he’ll make a few calls.
Jin calls Danno and McG to tell them that the dead ninja-pirate that they found on the boat had actually been dead a full day longer than the captain of the boat, so Danno makes the logical leap to pirate zombies. Someone’s taking his Johnny Depp obsession a little far…
…but he sure is dreamy…
McG gets a call from Goomba telling him that he got a guy that can help out with finding the ninja-pirates, and directs them to a pawn shop that the Tongans use to fence their goods.
McG and Danno hit the pawn shop, and find the owner to be wholly uncooperative. He keeps telling them he can’t help, and won’t let him into his little safe room behind the counter. He tells Danno that the door is meant to withstand a 300lb meth addict, which is the more scientific way of saying “a fucking lot”, and when McG steps in, the guy is grateful that he now gets to deal with the “more rational one.” McG counts to five, and the guy still won’t let him in, so he runs out to the car real quick, and comes back…with a fuckin mohawk g’nade!!
I don’t understand the physics of this explosion, like most ‘splosions on H50, but this was an LOL moment regardless.
So now that they’ve gotten into the back room, they find some stolen goods and put the screws to the guy for info on where the Tongan pirates hide out. They hurry out and ambush the place and arrest all the pirates, but there’s no sign of the kids! Wuh-oh! Looks like they’ve got the wrong pirates! YAR!!!!
So they bring all the guys back to HPD, and take fingerprints and photos in hopes of finding anything that would link them to the kidnapped kids…and then McG goes one on one with a guy rocking one of the best mullets in the history of film.
I bet his daddy didn’t name him Nunamaker either!!
So after some harsh interrogation, the guy confesses to robbing another boat around the same time of the kidnapping, proving that he didn’t take the kids! They’re still at large!! McG has a theory, though, that whoever took the kids wanted it to look like it was these pirates! He pats himself on the back for figuring this all out.
The rest of the parents arrive and are all escorted to a ball room at the Hilton so they can have a Q&A session with McG. One of the parents is this guy:
“I have so many bit-parts I don’t even know what day it is…”
Seriously, I wish this guy would stop popping up in every show I’ve ever watched.
McG tells everyone to leave it to him, and trust him to take care of this, and that if they pay the bad guys things will not go well. Captain bit-part argues with him, and tries to undermine his authority. Srsly, dude, do you not know that McG is always right? McG again vows to get the kids back.
Back at Five-0, Boomer is cutting the crust off more sandwiches, which by now we all know means digging through video or credit card info or whatever, and she learns a few things. First, the cruise was paid for by some older guy, and all in cash. Second, the kids were all staying in different places, but the one place they all went was a bar. And their credit cards were being used as payment again, 2 days after they were kidnapped! ZOINKS!
Jin and Boomer head out to the bar to check out whoever is using those credit cards, and when they get there the bartender IDs Boomer, but tells Jin he’s good. Then his bartender buddy notices they’re cops, and books it!! In his haste to get away, he doesn’t notice that he’s trying to run down the up escalator, so Boomer does it the easy way, and goes down the down escalator, and…
BAHAHAHAHAHA EPIC TAKEDOWN!!!
Man, I love a good Boomer takedown. They’re second only to McG’s. It looked painful, but I’d totally let her ride me up the escalator, too. Unfortunately, this guy only stole credit cards, didn’t actually kidnap anyone either.
The pretty boy bartender tells them that he remembers some things about the kids, and tells Boomer and Jin that some older guy snuck into the VIP section to hand out promotional materials. He tells them that the guy may show up on some of the cameras, which were installed by his boss to make sure they carded people. This brings up the sore subject of Jin not getting carded…which is funny, because as a guy, it was kind of a great day the first time you didn’t get carded, and Jin isn’t nearly old enough to start being unhappy that people know he’s over 21…
They luck out with the video, and see some creepy old dude checking out the kids, and then even handing out tickets for the cruise they were all on! Finally, a lead!
Just then, the phone rings. Someone is using a voice modulator, and asks McG WTF he was thinking only giving them a little of the money. McG has no idea what’s going on, and the two argue, and just before he hangs up, the bad guy tells McG that a kid is dead, and further instructions will come in an hour.
Boomer traced the call to Sand Island, and they hurry out there, but all they find is a discarded phone and a dead kid. McG does not take this well…
pictured – McG not taking this well…
Well, of course it’s Captain bit-part’s kid, and it turns out that, yet again, if you don’t listen to Steve Fucking McGarret, you get fucked. Turns out that bit-part gave the kidnappers $400k…well, they were asking for $20 MILLION across 12 kids, so doing the math thats…roughly $1.666 (repeating, of course) million per kid. You get what you pay for, amirite?
Jin tells him the bullet from the dead kid matches the bullets in the captain and the pirate, which is weird since the bad dude on the phone was holding a handgun, and the other two were killed with AK FO’TY SEVENS!! But whatever.
The bad guy calls again, and this time he has new demands. $20 mil, a fully fueled jet plane, and the money must be delivered by Susan.
Well, McG being McG, decides that using a civy to make the drop is the only way this will work out well, which makes no sense, but McG’s word is law, so everyone goes with it. She gets brought into H50 HQ and is understandably freaked out, but McG tells her that he’ll take care of her, so she agrees.
At the warehouse, McG gives her more comforting words, and they give her the duffel bag of $20 mil. Now, I just did a google search because I like to make sure I’ve got accurate information. This is how much you, my loyal readers, mean to me. According to the US treasury, $1 mil in $100 bills equals 4 stacks about a foot tall, so unless Hermoine cast an undectable extension charm on that duffel, no way, no how. But I can pretend that somehow there’s enough space. However, $1 million in $100 bills weighs about 22 lbs. Welp, multiple that by 20, and it’s 440lbs. FOUR HUNDRED AND FOURTY POUNDS. Also known as between 4 and 4.5 Vanessa Minnillos. I want to see that little girl carry half that weight. Hell, I’d settle for watching her carry 100lbs in a duffel bag the distance that they made her carry it.
It’s the Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Had To Do…
I lied about the end of the 98 degrees. Sorry.
Susan drops the duffel bag on the ground, and the lead ninja-pirate comes up and says “Told ya it’d work!” It’s NICK LACHEY! I assume that you figured it out a long time ago, since he’s too recognizable to only have the couple lines at the beginning of the episode. Another mega flaw in the planning of this episode. Anyways, Nicky opens the duffel bag, and it’s full of like 12 phone books! Well, that’ll weigh less than 440lbs, but still, that’s a long way to carry all those phone books. Regardless, a smart crook would take a few minutes to figure out how much $20 mil would weigh, roughly, and how many suitcases it’d take to transport it. Right? So he’d know right off the bat he was made.
Anyways, Nicky can’t believe what’s happened, and Susan is like “Nicky, I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I loooove you!!” and Nicky is like “When they’re done shooting me to pieces, you can have What’s Left of Me.” BAHAHAHA…now I’m done w/ 98 degrees (ok, ok, it was his solo stuff, but cut me a break). And the funny thing about that song…Vanessa Minnillo was in the video.
Well, of course, by now you’re all thinking that this was a ballsy move by McG, and hope that the baddies don’t go on a kiddie killing spree…
But just then KISS comes out!!!
So apparently McG hid flashbangs in the bag, which go off and daze the bad guys and scare the everliving shit out of the kids. Nick Lechay makes a run for it, and AGAIN….lesson number one…if you have to run from Steve Fucking McGarret, you’ve already lost. In an effort to get away, Nicky hops on a street trolly and puts a gun to the driver’s head and tells him to drive. And boy, he’s blending in so well, what, with the ski mask and all black…
McG sees him, and since McG takedowns are only good in slideshow format…
McG dives off the back of a car into the trolley…
“Welp, if I’m gonna get fucked, may as well be by the best!!”
(eyes closed and firing into a crowded area)
No Stray Bullets. Ever.
Now, I’m pretty certain I never want to witness anyone being shot, but if I have to, I really, really hope it’s an armed guy in all black, including a ski mask, who gets shot, and I really hope he gets shot in an equally badass fashion.
The one old islander cop who makes an appearance every now and then asks how McG knew that Susan was in on it. He tells the cop that he just went old school on their asses…and by “old school” he means “Encyclopedia Brown.” Because the whole “we never told them her name, but he called her by name” trick was invented by that nerdy crime-solver.
So the kids are returned to their families, and I guess Capt bit-part has already left, but everyone stands around happy and there’s happy music in the background, and we can forget about the one kid who died because 11 more lived!
I don’t know why I loved this episode so much…it was nothing special, and honestly, in watching it again there were a lot of major loopholes that weren’t covered up by the McRib. Sorry, ladies…I guess he’s still feeling fat. Anyways, I think I’ve decided that I’m kinda a sucker for the takedowns, and this episode had two of my favorites, plus the hand grenade thing that had me laughing out loud while watching this alone on Valentine’s day. Cry for me. Actually, don’t. In my mind, I spent my V-day with Grace Park.