Hawaii Five-0: Who you callin’ Fat?

Holy crap, guys…I totally didn’t realize they were already back! What a short break that was…I guess I was enjoying the eggnog and mistletoe a bit too much. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and New Year’s, and I’m glad you’re back for more AOL shirtlessness and big-bada-booms.

This little episode starts off with a missed opportunity right off the bat.

Wait…the shirtless wonder sleeps in a shirt? Maybe he felt the lighting was too poor for his audience to appreciate it.

So he hears people come into his house and start rustling around downstairs, which is never a good thing, not even on TV. McG of course does what any other red-blooded American would do and pulls out his gun and goes downstairs to shoot the bastards who’re coming into his house. Unfortunately for the ladies in the house, he’s exercising his right to bear arms, not his right to bare arms…

So McG heads downstairs with his gun and totally gets the drop on a guy, but then out of nowhere another baddie comes into the picture!!! And then maybe one more! It’s tough to tell because they’re all dressed like ninjas! McG does some great fighting for being outnumbered, and even smashes a chair on someone…but then makes a horrible decision to unmask the guy without checking to make sure the rest of his assailants are down for good…and it turns out one of them isn’t, and…

DON’T TASE ME BRO!!!

So McG is down for the count, and the crooks make off with the toolbox that contains all of the evidence on McG’s mom’s death and that of course brings us to our intro. When we come back, the whole gang is sitting around talking to McG about what happened. Danno can’t seem to understand how his bff managed to get his ass taken down by only 3 guys, and all of us on this side of the camera are still kinda thinking the same thing. McG never loses in hand-to-hand combat…even when he’s the only one that doesn’t have a knife or gun hidden on his person.

The focus of the conversation isn’t so much on McG and how he’s feeling after being robbed and tased, but instead is a brainstorming session about how the thieves knew that the toolbox even existed. Well, the answer should just be “they’re bad guys, duh,” but McG is way too much of a terrier for that. He comes to the realization that the only person not present that knew about the box was his sister…so he and Danno book it out to her house. On the drive, McG starts to put the pieces together…his sister has a key to his place, which could explain why there were no signs of forced entry!

Come on out…I just wanna talk!!!

So anyways, once Danno and McG get into the place it’s pretty evident that lil sis was kidnapped. McG finds a tooth on the floor, and Danno asks “What the hell is that?”, provoking quite the impressive facepalm from McG.

(pictured)

So now McG is missing not only his toolbox, but also his sister, and is quite eager to find them. Back at H50 HQ, Jin tells McG that they don’t have any info on the tooth that he just found like 6 seconds previously, except that it was from a dude, which means it was most likely not McG’s sister Mary. Most likely. Also they pull the call history from Mary’s phone and she made a call to this one guy that apparently McG and sis used to live down the road from, and learned to surf from. Danno and McG head out to find the guy.

When they do track him down, they learn that Mary was asking him some questions about how her mom died, and that this guy apparently knows the truth…she was killed by a car-bomb, and not the kind you drink, either! McG Sr told him not to tell the police any of this information, so he’s kept it secret for 18 years…until now!

Danno and McG are having a nice little chat where McG is blaming himself for everything and Danno is trying to talk him back off the ledge, and all of a sudden his cell rings and it’s his sister!! Jin runs a trace on the call, and McG tells her to kick the taillights out on the car so she can look out the back and tell what’s around. Using the clues provided by both her and Jin, they get a pretty good idea of where the baddies are taking her…but they won’t get there fast enough by car, so McG’s all like…

RUUUUNNNNNN!!! GET TO THA CHOPPAAAAHHH!!!!

So of course flying a helicopter is way faster than driving, and they catch up the car. McG spots the broken taillight on a car from probably 17 miles up…I mean seriously, the guy must have amazing vision. So clearly, since it’s a good idea to spook the guys who have your sister locked in the trunk of their car while they’re driving on a wet dirt road through the mountains, McG gets right behind the car, and then pulls the craziest move in the history of chopper-car chases…

It’s kinda like that scene near the end of True Lies when the Harrier comes up in the office window…except somehow less realistic…

Of course I have trouble understanding why these guys didn’t just drive around the helicopter after it landed, but instead they try to flee on foot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Hawaii Five-0 to this point, it’s that you never, ever try to flee from Steve Fucking McGarrett on foot. It always ends in an epic flying takedown. It seems that two steps into their ill-conceived getaway attempt the guys realized the tragic mistake they’re making, and in their haste to correct this error, they make tragic mistake #2…never, EVER engage Steve Fucking McGarrett in gunplay.

Bullets!!! My only weakness!! How did you know?!?

So McG and sis have a touching reunion, and he brings her back to H50 HQ to debrief and all. McG tells her he’s amazed that she tracked all this down, and she tells him he’s a freakin’ ninja, so the least she could do was dial a phone. Anyways, it turns out that all that phone dialing she was doing involved HPD, and one of the unsavory types apparently got wind, which is why we are where we are. McG laments losing the box, because all the clues were in there…but remember? Sis took pictures. I’m glad that came back up, I was worried they’d just gloss over it.

Just then Jin comes back in, apparently the two guys that McG and Danno capped were lowbie Yakuza enforcers, so of course McG & Co head out to the Yakuza hangout. It’s now time for McG’s second crazy vehicular stunt of the day, all while a crazy guitar solo is going in the background. You know, the kind that’s really only fitting when Michael J. Fox is hoverboarding….

I guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it…

A quick glance down the lineup is all it takes for McG to spot a guy with a huge bruise on his jaw, presumably from where Mary punched the unholy fuck out of him and dislodged a tooth. McG tells him to say “Ah,” and when he doesn’t asks Danno, theoretically, how he would force the guy to open his mouth. The poor guy is sitting there the whole time like “wtf, I’m not in prison yet!!!” Danno slams him on the bar and opens his mouth and they look inside and…unsurprisingly, the guy’s missing a tooth. Ouch.

Boomer is able to crack the Yakuza kid’s cell phone, and traces a few calls around the time of Mary’s kidnapping back to some guy named Hiro Noshimuri. Hiro is apparently a very well connected business man. I have to complain to the writers for a moment, for not taking a moment to realize the predicament I’d be in if I’d decided to use Hiro as my nickname for the M.E., instead of going back to Masa Oki’s days on Scrubs and dubbing him Franklin. There are like 2 million Japanese names to choose from, and they went with Hiro. Fuck. That’d be like if they’d named him Jin…which I recognize isn’t a Japanese name, I’m just saying have ruined another nickname. Stop nitpicking, guys!!!

So McG and Danno head to the restaurant to find Mr Noshimuri, and when they do he seems to have a couple of questions about the menu…

“What is the Soup du jour?”
“It’s the soup of the day.”
“Mmmm, that sounds good, I’ll have that.”

McG and Noshimuri have a nice little conversation about kidnappings and mother-killing and stuff, and McG vows on his ancestors that Noshimuri will pay.

You and what shirtless army?

Just then, the Gov’nah shows up, and it turns out that she’s his lunch date!!! She seems slightly put off by the fact that McG and Danno are interrogating her buddy. McG and Danno do the polite thing and leave the Gov’nah to her date.

Of course, as soon as that date is over, she books her ass right over to the HPD headquarters and does that really annoying thing that women like to do when they’re angry that involves making more noise than is humanly possibly with their heels while storming across a hard-surfaced floor. So everyone in H50 HQ is like “shit lady, we’re trying to work in here!” She barges into McG’s office uninvited, so at least we know she’s not a vampire, and yells at him for insulting Mr Noshimuri.

McG doesn’t take being berated well. He tells her to STFU and STFD and kindly explains to her that Noshimuri is like a super bad guy, heading up the Hawaiian Yakuza. After lots of yelling about how that man is why his mom is dead and his sister was kidnapped and he’s solely responsible for everything that’s gone wrong in his life including the fact that Hawaii has never had any professional sports teams and why, oh why, can’t he find a decent girl to take home to mom & dad Danno and SOILENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!ONE!!!!….whew….and the Gov’nah finally realizes that he’s probably right despite the fact that he’s not actually laid out any real evidence for her…and decides there’s only one reasonable course of action…

…next she unfastens her belt and belches…

See? Beer does fix everything. She tells him to be careful and all that jazz.

So McG & Co head back to the little biker bar and round up all the scruffians and search the place looking for any tie-ins to Noshimuri and just then Jin rides up and tells McG that there was a Koji Noshimuri in the HPD with his dad, and zomg that guy maybe was the one who planted the bomb that killed his mom!!! McG and Danno run back out to the beach to talk to the surfer dude/ex-neighbor, but he can’t be certain that Koji is the guy he saw!!! FOILED AGAIN!!!

Just then McG sees the guys that broke into his house casually striding across the beach…

Not looking out of place or anything….

The guy pulls out a gun and starts shooting at them! And McG, being the responsible cop that he is, fires back. Thankfully he’s an awesome shot and the term “stray bullets” means nothing to him…

…because there’s a group of scantily-clad coeds right next to the dude that he shot who would be very disappointed if a stray bullet ended up in their body…

Seriously, firing towards a crowd of people…again…this show. Seriously. Even Jack Mother Fucking Bauer doesn’t take that shot 60% of the time. McG thinks “stray bullets” were left tied to a tree in the park by their owner when he realized his kids weren’t actually going to take care of them. McG adopts stray bullets…he doesn’t fire them…

Anyways, the other dude runs away and grabs a hostage and holds her just long enough to empty his clip, then bowls some guy over, dives in the back seat of a car and GTFO’s. McG pulls a Point Break and just fires his gun while screaming as the car squeals away. McG runs back over to the guy he shot and  tries to question him, but he dies rather emphatically. His cell rings, however, and the guy on the other end, without even waiting for a “hello,” asks “Is head dead?”

Anyways, McG is certain that it was Noshimuri, and it did sound like him, but as Danno points out that’s nowhere near enough evidence. Danno puts HPD detail on McG’s old neighbor, which makes me scratch my head since every fucking 5 minutes this episode they’ve provided another stunning example of why you can’t trust HPD to not be crooked and kill/kidnap whoever you tell them to look out for, but whatever.

We cut to a quick scene that reminds us that Boomer is still alive and well, and she’s left running the show in the examination of the Yakuza hangout and is bossing all the HPD grunts around, and I speculate she’s having this internal monologue that culminates with “Hey McG, you know what the difference between you and me is?”

…I make this look goooooood….

Then she hears a garbage truck backing up, and runs out to stop it! This is exciting for poor Boomer, who’s normally left at the station to cut the crust off the boys’ sandwiches…

Danno and McG have a heart-to-heart about how bad they want to catch this guy, and just then Boomer calls and she found the toolbox!! But it’s empty! McG tells her to check it for prints…

At a super-exclusive looking golf course, which I’d imagine is every fucking golf course in Hawaii, McG and Danno pay Noshimuri a visit.

Wearing Timberlands on a green is bad enough. Stepping on the golf ball? That’s probably enough to get him fined his entire paycheck…

Turns out he’s playing golf with his brother Koji. They have a nice little chat and we’re all thinking that McG is just trying to get all his frustrations out, but then suddenly we learn that Hiro apparently left his prints all over the toolbox! Danno books ‘im! And then McG goes over to tell Koji more about how he’s goin’ down, and Koji, well…

Koji has an amazing p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face.

And THEN…just when we think it’s finally over…I mean, fuck, y’all…this is turning into the 3rd Lord of the Rings right in front of my damn eyes….THEN McG notices some other guy…

Maybe I’m wrong, but doesn’t a name like Wo Fat sound a little…idunno…Triad?

Anyways, McG doesn’t suspect a thing, and tells him to go home. Wo Fat politely obliges.

McG takes his sister to the airport to get her out of Hawaii before she goes and gets herself blown up, and they have a tearful goodbye, but I’m not really getting choked up here…at all. Mostly because I don’t really care about that character. Anyways, McG goes back to H50 HQ, and Danno walks in while he’s still looking over evidence at what would appear to be 4fuckingam since somehow it’s dark even with all the lights on…Danno tells him that Koji was found dead….in a car accident…and in jail, we can almost hear Hiro go “BAZINGA!!!”