**Oftentimes, we take a look at the upcoming season’s schedule and pass over shows that turn into sweet fluffy little nuggets of joy. To make up for our error, we are calling today Hellcats Day and welcoming our newest recapper into the fold with a three cap marathon. So sit back and enjoy Hellcats! Welcome to the fam, rodneyclint!
So Hellcats may be known to most as the newest television version of Bring It On, but in my eyes it’s Aly Michalka (of Aly & AJ fame) and Ashley Tisdale’s (of High School Musical Fame) first real attempts at post Disney careers. Hopefully it works because these girls are getting a little too old to sport those big ole mouse ears. I’d hate to see Tisdale hop on that boat with Zack and Cody and start selling chocolate bars again. That’d be tragic.
“Please watch this show!”
The show is set in Memphis, TN at Lancer University and it revolves aroundthe world of Marti (Michalka), your typical hot blonde girl who is interested in being anything but a hot blonde girl. She wears dark clothes and makes fun of cheerleaders with her bud Dan, who appears to be a townie with no real future. But he’s cute. Marti is a pre law major who is trying to get out of Memphis and away from her mother, whom she hasbeen caring for emotionally since her father died.
Of course Marti’s mom is actually pretty hot for an older woman and of course she is irresponsible, has had a drinking issue and dates a lot of men. Things begin to fall apart for Marti when she learns she has lost a scholarship that she desperately needs in order to go to school because all her mom does is work at a diner and money is tight. Don’t you love it when a show depicts exactly what is going on in your world and the world of your friends? I think about 90% of my friends are having financial issues related to school. If you don’t know how it feels to realize you’ve lost a scholarship then know that you’re lucky. And that I hate you.
Marti goes to beg to get some money from the school so that she can stay but we all know that’s not going to happen. Universities are a lot better at taking your money than they are at giving you any. But her financial aid guy is a lot nicer than the assholes at my school and he gives her a catalogue full of “unconventional scholarships”. Marti begins to read all the really crazy options off out loud to herself and to what looks like an angry secretary who will get all sarcastic with her but instead wants her to shut her trap. In the show’s biggest twist, the mean ass secretary is actually in with the overly peppy head cheerleader Savannah (Tisdale).
“I ♥ Cheerleaders!”
Marti literally shits herself when she learns that there is a scholarship for cheerleading and actually calls Savannah a “football groupie”. Burn! Seriously though, “Dancers who have gone retarded” > “Football groupie”. Just sayin’. Well Savannah goes on a mini tirade about how cheerleaders are real athletes who can bench press twice their own body weight. I want her to prove it. In all seriousness though, I do agree with her. No, high school cheerleading is not really a sport but competitive cheerleading at a university is. Things do get a little high school after Savannah tries to slap Marti but apparently Marti is also the Karate Kid and she catches Savannah’s hand like it’s that fly in those martial arts movies. You know the fly, right?
After the ladies agree to flee the scene Marti’s eye catches the poster that Savannah hung up promoting the cheerleading tryouts. Looks like our heroine has found a way to beat the system! Marti goes out and buys Bring It On so that she can learn how to be sexy, cute and popular to boot. She already has bitchin’ great hair so she’s almost there. Here we get the requisite girly dance montage and our first look at Marti’s hot cheerleader body. Too bad she’s pre law, she could go somewhere with those abs.
So I think that the writers of this show also rented the Bring It On DVD for inspiration because the next scene is a total carbon copy of the movie’s main storyline. The Hellcat’s have lost a flyer who was injured in a fall so they are in a pinch. Their budget is also getting cut and they must place at Nationals this year, hence the tryouts where they will find a replacement for the injured girl. Well Marti shows up and of course, she gets weird looks and feels out of place and Dan pokes fun at her for wanting to become a bobblehead, as Marti calls Savannah. The tryouts aren’t going as planned for Marts as she is stumbling around and not really getting the choreography. Though with a few inspirational words from the team’s coach who has already taken to her, Marti starts busting out moves that you’d see in both a rap video and at the Olympics. Savannah starts freaking out because Marti isn’t doing the choreography right, but coach Lodge loves her and votes in her favor. The injured girl, Alice isn’t too keen on Marti and votes against her, leaving Savannah to break the tie. This Alice girl looks like Khole Kardashin in a cast and it’s quite amusing. This is also when we get introduced to the shows main source of prime beef, Lewis. This man has big arms and a bright smile, mama like.
Forget beef, Lewis is what’s for dinner.
Later we Savannah posting the list with the names of the year’s Hellcats with a bunch of hopefuls waiting patiently to see if their names are on the list. Marti waits for the crowd to thin and finds out…she made it! Seriously, we all knew she would but it’s nice to see her smile knowing that she can now become Elle Woods V 2.0, without the Chihuahua or the money or the cute accessories.
Since she made the squad Marti has to live with the cheerleaders in Cheertown, which is a dorm for the cheerleaders in case you’re a little slow. Her mom isn’t too thrilled about Marti moving out and I want to slap her and tell her it’s her fault. I almost feel bad when she’s about to cry at the thought of missing her one and only daughter, but Marti shrugs off her tears so easily that I don’t feel compelled to feel anything for mama. If your own daughter doesn’t care why should I?
On the way to see her new digs Marti runs into Khole Kardashian’s doppelganger again and tries to be nice. She isn’t having it and lets Marts know that she didn’t get her vote. This girl has really big hair and a bitch face, this right here is perfect casting. Marti rolls her eyes and marches on, determined to get through this and get away from Memphis and her crazy mom!
Marti walks into her new dorm room and for some odd reason, the producers or whatever decided to play that really sad Lady Antebellum song when homegirl is putting down her luggage. Makes no sense, but that’s not what this is about. This is about how good their dorm room looks. In my experience, no one gets really cute dorm rooms that they really like with closet space and lots of shelves. Television loves to lie to people, don’t fall for it. Turns out that Savannah is Marti’s new roomie and they take this time to put their differences aside.
No kiddies, your dorm room won’t look like this. Sorry.
So next we get our adult storyline as we find out that Coach Lodge’s ex flame is coming back to Lancer University to coach and the sexiness that he is has our good intentioned coach getting all hot and bothered. The bad thing about all this is that Coach Lodge has a serious boyfriend (who also has nice arms) whom she just moved in with and now her hottie of an ex is back. Duh-rama!
Apparently the boys and girls have to share locker rooms at Lancer and we get more shots of hot guys with ripped abs. I’m pro hot guys with ripped abs so I’m all for the co-ed locker rooms, not matter how silly it is. Marti bumps into Savannah who is way too peppy way too early and I remember going to school looking like a zombie at 7 in the morning and some cheerleader would walk by and scream “HI!” at the top of her lungs. Those girls were evil. Alice is in the showers and still isn’t having any of this “nice girl” business. She calls Marti a band-aid who is going to get thrown away once she heals. That was pretty clever for a cheerleader. Marti is too witty though and makes Alice feels dumb and then proceeds to triumphantly get in the shower. Of course Alice takes her clothes and towel.
I know what you’re looking at Marti. And Jesus does too.
Marti gets out of the shower and loses her shit once she finds out her stuff is gone and makes a b line towards the towels on the boys side of the locker room. Conveniently enough though, they all finish washing their bodies at the same time as Marti and almost catch her with her pants down. Or her pants stolen, whatever. She quickly hides in a bathroom stall as the boys come out of the showers looking all squeaky clean. Apparently the bathroom stalls don’t lock and Lewis walks in on Marti, who is covering up the goods. She whispers for him to help her and he drops his towel and asks his bros to take a look at his junk because it might be crooked. They all run away from his penis of course and Marti is free to grab his towel and get away. Lewis confesses that he rather enjoys getting naked and I must confess that he is turning me on. Haha I’m only kidding. Sort of.
Marti has been busy getting her cheer on and must make some time for her buddy Dan. They’re hanging out by a river and bridge and Dan is taping it with a video camera for some reason. This is when we are officially informed that Dan has a little crush on Marti. He tells her he is one big reason why she should never leave Memphis and then when she has to jet for practice he looks at her ass and licks his lips. It’s kind of creepy because he looks a lot older than her. And she was on Disney with her sister singing about love and rainbows so it should be wrong to lust after her. Am I right?!
In his defense, she is the older sister.
At practice, Coach Lodge is not really feeling the old routines and tells everyone to forget all the stuff they’ve learned so that they can start fresh. Savannah freaks the fuck out but everyone else just goes with it. Of course this is the part of the show where Marti shows everyone up and Coach loves it and tells everyone to do what Marti is doing. Alice is standing by looking mean as hell and begins to notice how everyone is really taking to Marti and her new way of doing things. Needless to say, homegirl isn’t too happy about it. This is also the first time in my life I’ve seen Ashley Tisdale look kind of sexy, the girl’s got a freak flag she needs to fly.
That bitch be krumpin’!
After practice Marti and Savannah continue to bond and Marti reveals that she used to be a competitive gymnast and that’s why she is more awesome than everyone else. Savannah wants to know why she stopped and we all find out about Marti’s mom’s drinking habits and how she would come to meets drunk and embarrass Marti. Marti would wig out and blow routine after routine so she just quit all together. Suffice to say, mama is not getting an invite to qualifiers, at least not from Marti. But Alice overhears all of this and immediately makes a trip to the diner where mama works and tells her Marti would love to see her there! Bitch!
Well I must say that even though there’s not much original material in this show (but there’s hardly anything original anywhere anymore, so) I did enjoy it very much. I’ve always like Ashley Tisdale for some reason and I think she plays her character perfectly. Alyson Michalka is good too and I’m kind of excited to see how the rest of this show turns out. What’d you guys think?