Hellcats: Cheerocracy

Sorry for being so late with the update, but life hit me hard in every way this week and I just couldn’t get this done until now. So, a thousand apologies but I’m 99.9999999999999% sure that from now on these recaps will be on time. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Memphis Christian is practicing their little God loving butts off and Alice is pulling a Big Red and taping it. If you don’t get the reference then all hope is lost. Some guy who looks like this pedophile I used to know catches her but lets her off after she tells the worst lie in the entire universe. So I’m thinking he let her go cause she is pretty, and pretty girls get away with a lot of things. Women do run this world, we just don’t know it yet.  Also, spotted: Savannah’s sister doing cheers and tucks for the big JC once again. Okay, not as good as the real Gossip Girl, but you get the point.

“I forgive you little lady.”

The entire Hellcats squad is watching the video and comparing themselves to Memphis Christ. Apparently, the Cats suck big time and they all have their sad faces on. Coach is none too happy with the way her squad is behaving and sends them to the gym because you achieve greatness with sweat. Really Coach? Do you want some crackers with that cheese? The Cats go directly into a routine that I must say, is nowhere as good as the Christian girls and boys from earlier but they go crazy when they are done like they have just won the World Cup or something.

Marti invites Savy to brunch with the squad but she can’t cause she is having brunch with Dan. It’s a date! I think I’m  going to like this Savy and Dan thing, it’s been cute so far and I can only see it getting better. Lewis is standing around shirtless again and I’m thanking God for the objectification of men on TV. Then he puts his shirt on and I curse a little bit. It’s just not right, kind of like when Taylor Lautner puts a shirt on in those damn vampire movies. Why does he do that? Clothes are for normal people who don’t have 8-pack abs and big arms to show off. When will people learn? End rant, anyway, Lewis asks Marti out on a date after brunch and Marti kindly lies to his face and says no. Bitch. Stupid bitch, Lewis is hot and seems to be a pretty good guy.

Lewis, stop that, what are you doing?!

Mama wants to be the new bar manager at her, bar I suppose. I don’t really know what a bar manager does, but I think it has something to do with managing a bar. The bar is having a contest to see who can put on the biggest event and that person will get the promotion. Real professional. Mama wants to have an open mic night and all I can think is, “Dear God don’t let Aly Michalka sing!” I hate when they make singers who have become actors sing when they are supposed to be acting. It’s the most annoying thing in the entire world. And guess what? Mama wants Marti to perform because she is amazingly talented! Ugh, moral of this story is that Marti volunteers to help her mom out when she realizes she doesn’t know the first thing about all the electronic and more complicated aspects of pulling off an open mic night. Oh Marti, will you ever learn?

Lewis is confused as to why Marti is helping Mama when previously said she wanted to distance herself from her. Alice calls her transparent and fake, ouch, saying that is Mama gets the job then she will be busier by result and out of Marti’s hair. Wonder if she’s right? Meanwhile, Savy and Dan are having brunch by the water and it looks really nice, but they’re playing some lame “guess who this person is” game. PS, this is the best Dan has ever looked, he looks clean and I’m digging his shirt fo real. During a kiss, Savy’s family shows up, just coming from church of course. Savy introduces Dan as her boyfriend which catches everyone by surprise. Dan keeps his cool though and introduces himself and even accepts an invitation to dinner with the entire family later in the week. Innerestin’, wonder what will go down…

See, I told you.

Back at Cheertown (God that’s a dumb name), Dan lets Savy know that he is not exclusive to anyone. It seems his new found hotness has already gone to his head. Savy isn’t a good liar but she manages to become one for a hot second and tells him it’s fine with her. Girl please, who you trying to fool? And Dan deserves to be slapped for actually believing she is okay with this kind of relationship.

Alice is still taking drugs trying to get better for the bid video but once again Lewis catches her and steals her purse. She calls him a goon and it kinda made me laugh if only for the fact that no one would ever say that in real life. Alice explains to Lewis that her wrist is in fact healed but still weak and hurts if she hits it wrong and apparently, some guy named Darwin always hits it wrong. Wow, that actually sounds wrong, hehe. Okay, I’m done being silly. Alice asks Lewis to help her train because hes the only one who she trusts to catch her the right way.  Of course he’s gonna say yes because he still has feelings for the girl and feels he must protect her and all that shiz. This is definitely going to interfere with Lewis and Marti’s future as a couple.

Savy lets Dan know that he doesn’t have to go with her to her parents’ house because she might not even go herself. Dan actually wants to go to help Savy get back in with the folks because having a stranger in the rooms means there’s less chance of things getting awkward. That is actually kind of true, so Dan gets some more points for being smart as well as being distractingly cute while explaining all of this. Marti overhears Savy call the relationship casual and calls Dan out on it and says if he hurts her roomie, she cut his balls off. Harsh Marti, harsh.

You scared, Dan?

Mama’s little open mic, excuse open Mike, night is coming together and everyone is busy setting up. I hope they are trying to be clever or something, cause that’s bad English, or spelling, or something along those lines. Mama wants to put posters everywhere and Marti wants to send Facebook links or tweets or something. Lewis is definitely checking Marti out and Mama notices but Marti tells her not to encourage him. “Why the hell not?”, she says and I fully agree. Marti, you’re young and hot, do something other than complain about school and your mom, go have sex!  Turns out Marti hasn’t dated since some boy named Aaron two years ago and Mama says that’s pathetic and I agree with her again. Man, when Mama isn’t whining she is actually a cool customer. She asks Marti if she’s a lesbian and follows it up with, “come out to Mama” and I die laughing. As a theatre student, I must say that line was delivered perfectly.

Miss Piggy, the contractor.

Like I predicted, Lewis totally accepted Alice’s request to help her out and they are doing some serious, erm, tucks(?) in the Hellcat’s gym. Alice’s body, or rather, her body double’s body is looking nice and tight. Makes me wanna cheer, lead and act like I’m on speed. BAM!  The two start getting a little too close and we all know what’s going to happen next, don’t we? If you don’t, please navigate away from this page now and never come back. Ever. After they practice another, move I guess you would call it, they fall on top of one another and Alice goes on the attack. Smart, horny girl that Alice is. Lewis does protest at first because sometime somewhere, making out meant you wanted to be in a relationship and Lewis just can’t deal. Alice kindly lets him know that she just wants to get her mack on, and she does. Men are no match for beautiful women, it’s a fact guys. I mean, gay men are, but straight men have not yet evolved to where they can turn down vagina. Haha, vagina.

What would you two call this particular move?

Marti finds Lewis making food and asks him if he worked up an appetite. Interesting choice of words there Ms. Marti. Lewis figures out she is talking about the work he did for the open mic night and asks how all that’s going. Long story short, Marti asks Lewis out and he says yes but it’s obviously killing him since he just got finished banging Alice.

Savy and Dan are at dinner with her family and all is going well. Dan is a good talker, bringing up his family and how good Savy’s mom’s cooking is. It’s a compliment because she’s southern.  Charlotte asks Dan if he has a church or just likes to brunch on Sundays, haha, what a bitch. Dan finds his way around that question with no problems though, and all is still going well. Savy’s daddy actually invites them both to join them at church one Sunday, how splendid.

Mama is hanging signs for her “Open Mike” night because tweeting is too complicated. I love how everyone says that when they first get Twitter, but then they can’t stop fucking tweeting once they get the hang of it. Ugh, people suck. Marti complains that no one is going to see the signs therefore no one will come to the event and Mama tells her to stop bossing her around. Amen! Marti unvolunteers herself from with the event any longer and Mama claims she doesn’t need her help. Ha, we’ll see about that Miss Piggy!

Savy’s mom and her have a heart to heart and her mom apologizes for being evil to her own flesh and blood. Savy gets excited, thinking that the Ice Queen might let her back into the nest and love her again. But hold on there sweets, mom doesn’t approve of Dan. Gasp! Turns out, mom sees right through Dan’s “act” and doesn’t think he is serious about a real relationship. Well, she is right, but she says it in the bitchiest way humanly possible. Savy says the conversation sucks now and her mom freaks about using “that word” in her house. What is with Christians and the word sucks? I remember being younger and getting in trouble for saying that and even then I was all, “wtf?” Anywho, mom tells Savy that she can stay at Lancer and be a Hellcat, but they want her to move home and dump Dan. Savy declines and chooses her new life and new man. You go girl!

Dan congratulates Savy on standing up to her family, but thinks its weird that she “disowned” them for him. Um, that’s a bit much there Dan, let’s not get crazy. Dan doesn’t want to come inside with Savy, which either means he sees how much she likes him and is freaking out a little bit, or he realizes how much he likes her and is freaking out a little bit. Will be fun to see which is correct!

Marti is online putting the word out about Mama’s even when her wifi dies. She enlists some girl with a fro to help her get it going again. The girl calls her out about helping her mom again when she said she wouldn’t and calls her a base, which is bitch in cheertalk.  Ex: “You are your mom’s base” can be translated to, “You are your mom’s bitch.” Marti realizes this is true and decides not to help out after all.

Lewis wants to talk to Alice, but she doesn’t want to talk. Lewis is stronger than yesterday though, and now it’s nothing but his way. He lets Alice know that he is done hooking up with her and wants to move on. Alice wants to know if its because of Marti and Lewis tells her to get some business and stay out of his. Then Alice pulls the love card, classic, and tells Lewis how much she misses him and that she’ll stop taking pills if he gets back with her. Um, homie didn’t know you were taking pills babe, so he straight up heads for the hills. Alice loses her shit for real and throws what I thought was a water bottle but I’m now thinking was a brick at Lewis’ head and breaks some glass by the door. Coach sees it go down and calls both of them into her office.

“LOVE ME!”

Alice tells Coach not to believe anything Lewis has told her, but according to her he didn’t say much considering he was almost killed by a bottle of water. Coach noticed Alice threw with her bad hand and calls her out in the most annoying, “I know what’s up girl” voice accompanied by an annoying look on her face. She is aware that Alice is doing all this to get back with Lewis and proceeds to tell Alice all about her affair which in my humble opinion, is not a smart move because Alice is the type to use that against her later. You just watch. They end up seeing eye to eye and Alice seems to agree to stop with the drugs. Seems is the key word her because she never actually agrees, she just seems like she’ll stop.

Dan is out with some girl who is not as hot as she thinks she is and is going on about her phone and how she can check herself out in it. Honey, get off my screen now. Dan isn’t into it either and I’m thinking its because he wants a piece of the Tisdale. He takes off, leaving annoying girl looking stunned. Where does he go? Why, Cheertown of course and once inside he heads straight for Savy and the two go into her room to talk. Savy proceeds to tell Dan how crazy she had been acting, calling his phone and considering calling Marti so she could find out the names of the girls he was seeing so she could find them and kill them. Damn, I like crazy Savannah, she’s fun. She confesses that she lied about the casual thing and tells Dan that it is all or nothing. He just says, “sold” and I smiled a bit. I hate how much I’m liking these two right now when I wasn’t excited at all about this pairing before. It all ends with a kiss. Swoon.

Wonder how the Mouse feels about this lip action?

Marti and afro girl arrive at Mama’s bar and there is yet another unbelievably enthusiastic crowd at this event as well. Where do they find these easily excitable people? There’s a band playing, they sound like Hello Monday or something like that and they have the crowd going crazy. Dunno why though, they aren’t that great. Turns out, Mama called the cops on a huge frat party and hung her signs up outside their house, so when their shindig got cancelled, they all saw the signs and migrated to the bar. Where the cute little indie band came from is anyone’s guess. Marti is proud of Mama and the owner comes by to let them know that she got the promotion! OMG that is sooo amazing! Hooray for Mama!

Alice is talking with the kind of cute, kind of not cute Quarterback who gave her the drugs. She tells him that the drugs made her go a little crazy so she flushed them and he isn’t too happy about hearing that. I don’t know much about the drug world, but that stuff is hard to come by and he lets her know it. She gets out of it by playing the sex card, another classic way of handling business. She tells him she flushed Lewis as well and he seems to perfectly fine with that toilet business and they leave to go have intercourse.

Lewis finds Marti and lets her know that he can’t hangout with her because of the drama with Alice. Marti is touched that he came to her and told her the truth. Mama calls Marti to the stage so that she can sing, gag! I don’t know the song she plays but everyone gets unbelievably enthusiastic again and the show ends on a good note. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

“Hey yall, where’s AJ?”