Hellcats: Hugs Not Drugs

They’re kicking things off this week with a hot cheerleader showcase. All of these people are way too attractive and it’s kind of annoying. Sav is freaking out about her first secular date with a boy. For some reason, Marti decides to “help” by telling her that Dan is a major player and doesn’t like to settle down. She’s a great bud right? Coach is also freaking out because the funding for the trip to nationals has been pulled and given to the volleyball team because cheerleading isn’t a sport. Ha. All I have to say is, if they have a carwash to raise money, I’m done. They decide a bid video might work, but Coach doesn’t think newbie Marti is ready to be taped and judged and Alice rubs it in. She says Marti is using them to pay for her law classes, which is actually true.

Marti has to leave practice early to make it to class on time, but home girl is still late. Her teacher is Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk! OMG! I never thought he’d get another job after that small and pointless stint on Housewives. He calls Marti out on being late and some ugly boy judges her hard. He makes a face and everything. Marti wants to redeem herself by taking on a huge project in the law class that looks like it might interfere with her cheerleading. Back at the gym, Alice is desperately trying to prove that she’s ready to be in the bid video but her wrist is still bothering her. Some random girl puts her in her place and asks her if this is about being in the video or getting closer to Lewis again? BAM!

“Girl, whatchu say?”

Alice visits the football field to talk to the star quarterback. Long story short, homie wants some drugs for her wrist and basically says she’ll put out if he gives her somethin’ to swallow. See what I did there? Turns out, Lewis also used to be on the football team and now the team hates him because supposedly he turned his back on them. Coach runs into her ex again and they have a pretty creepy little exchange. Sav is still freaking out over her date and pulls Marti away from her homework to cancel the date with Dan for her. Instead, Marti asks how she can help and Sav ends up bringing the entire squad on the date. Don’t you hate when that bullshit happens? You’re ready for some one-on-one time with a crush and they end up bringing all these friends to act as airbags.

One Tree Hill advertisements always throw me off because I’m completely baffled by the fact that this show is in it’s 12 millionth season. Who watches it? Anyway, Dan and Sav are getting off to a pretty rough start with their date. He tells her that her dress looks good on her and I swear to Buddha I thought he was going to say, “It’d look even better off.” But luckily he didn’t fly his douche flag. Lewis decides to “help” out by sending Sav multiple drinks and our beloved cheerleader for God is sauced. It’s quite amusing and she’s actually a lot more charming this way. Most repressed people are. Sav ends up spilling that Marti called Dan a player and here they go, teasing us with all these different relationships and all the issues they might cause.

Coach finally comes clean to Doc about her affair with her ex when she was a Hellcat and he was on the staff. We get confirmation that she was basically a slut because he was married at the time and the affair went on for a year. She finally met his wife and then they got caught by some administrator or something and the wife left the asshole, naturally. The affair was covered up though, but Coach’s ex was forced to leave Lancer. Doc freaks out after hearing this news and instead of going to write a poem, he goes to watch Sports Center. Is that what straight guys do? Go watch other straight guys talk about other straight guys play football and basketball? Blaaaaaah.

The CW’s website has way too many damn commercials, like seriously. It’s much too much, much too much. The gang leaves the bar and there are street dancers everywhere. Just to clarify, street dancing is just ghetto cheerleading. They’re doing a bunch of flips mixed in with a bit of jerking and some people are actually doing cheerleading lifts and stunts. It’s bit farfetched, but whatever. Sav is having a good time, moving to the beat and I’m reminded that this is probably the sluttiest we’ll ever see Tisdale. I don’t think she’ll cross over to the dark side like Miley did.

Seriously? Is this really necessary?

Lewis and Sav spot Alice out with the quarterback and see him give her the biggest bag of drugs I’ve ever seen in my life. Lewis is furious and goes off to confront them and Dan and Sav follow him. Alice actually isn’t going to put out to pay for the drugs, much to the disdain of the QB, but she does kiss him. But only to make Lewis jealous. And it works. This starts a bar fight and Dan gets involved after Sav gets pushed by one of QB’s football buddies. They all go to jail and Marti and Sav have no idea what to do. Me either girlies, good luck!

Way to be discreet.

I wish all these One Day Acuvue kids would get their lives together because I’m tired of hearing them say what they want to do, yet none of them are making any real progress. The boys are in jail and I’m scared for Lewis, he’s looking way too scrumptious AND he’s a cheerleader! Dan asks Lewis why he quit football and he says it’s a personal thing. He says being a cheerleader isn’t bad and then uses the line that all straight cheerleaders use that is supposed to make them look cool but always makes them come off as uber douches. “I get to look up girl’s skirts, so it ain’t all bad.” Really Lewis, really? Didn’t one of the douchey straight guys from bring it on use that same line? I hated that guy. Don’t be that guy.

There’s really nothing to say.

Marti tries to figure out how to get the boys out of jail and the only idea she has is to bother Brian Kinney in the middle of the night to help her. He agrees of course and uses his fancy lawyer language to get the boys out. He’s mean to a poor, chubby cop who just wants to eat his sandwich. Of course when all is said and done, Teach gives Marti and inspirational speech and she takes it to heart. Mama makes her first appearance, and she’s talking to Marti like she’s a Southern granny. “Sugar, is somethin’ botherin’ you?” Hehe. The ugly boy from Marti’s class is working on his law project in the diner and Marti convinces him to team up with her to complete the project and win their teacher over.

“Please leave.”

They come up with a little plan and end up impressing their teacher and it’s all nice and fun. Kind of boring because it has to do with school, but it’s cute. Lewis confronts Alice again, telling her to give him the drugs before she gets in trouble. All she takes from it is that Lewis still cares and that’s all that matters to her. She still takes the pills and as much as I hate to say it, looks good doing in. She’s a pretty bitch and I hate her. On the next episode, everyone is getting it on with each other and I’m sure someone’s gonna get burned! Should be innerestin’.