Hellcats: It’s Hazing Time! Sort of…

Marti’s being questioned by two local rent-a-cops about the thugs that chased her down but for whatever reason she’s not spilling the secrets of the DVD to them. It’s probably a wise choice, small town cops suck. Mama is confused too, but Marti warns her to keep her big mouth shut about all this.

Jake is trying to persuade Alice to get the DVD from Marti but surprisingly, she’s not budging an inch. Jake kinda sorta threatens her that if he doesn’t get the DVD someone is going to get hurt. That someone is Marti. And maybe Mama too. Uh oh! Alice decides right here that Jake is scum and she actually dumps him. Here they go again, making her very likeable.

Back at Cheertown, Alice warns Marti that handing the DVD over could ruin football and in turn, ruin the Hellcats. Lancer is a football school and it pays for every stinkin’ thing they got. Marti claims not to be scared of Alice’s threat, but you can tell she’s a bit rattled. Sidenote: Alice is like a less bitchy version of Santana from Glee.

So if you’ve been chased by huge men and now you have threats coming your way what would you do? Go to the police? Move? Or would you go on a run that lasts until the wee hours of the night and you’re all alone? Guess which one Marti chooses? And she’s supposed to be a law student. I thought they had to be like, smart and stuff.  Anyway, while Marti is alone she calls someone, someone I thought was going to be Teach but…surprise!

DAN!

Not gonna lie, I completely forgot about him. He’s looking extremely tasty tonight but my boner dies when he turns down Marti’s request for a friendly conversation. I got some serious Ron and Sammi vibes from this and it made me a little sick. If you don’t know who Ron and Sammi are, consider yourself blessed.

Soo while Marti is out all by herself in the dark she is…ABDUCTED! OMG! By who?!

Yeah, turns out it’s time for her initiation into the group! Nice timing you guys, way to almost make a perfectly healthy 19 year-old’s heart explode! Since they were so caught up in placing at Nationals and stuff, they forgot to initiate Marti a long time ago. You wanna guess who reminded them? Of course it was Queen Bitch Alice. That was real smooth, she gets a point for it.

So in most movies or shows about cheerleaders the initiation would be the part where they get to shamelessly put the girls in lingerie and make them do all kinds of crazy shit for no reason other than to titillate and make men’s’ brains explode. But in this case, it’s an excuse for everyone to get dressed up so the writers can shamelessly give everyone a back-story. Now I’m 100000% gay, but even I wouldn’t mind a lingerie pillow fight or pin the tail on the hot cheerleader. Le sigh.

So while Marti holds onto the spirit stick (complete with the “don’t drop it” crap from Bring it On) we get to know Alice a little better. Turns out this stuff with her dad not being there has been going on for a while and when homeboy missed Parent’s Weekend, little miss Alice went to BoozeLand. Yes, it’s a real place. And here’s what you look like when you get back.

Coach recruited that bitch right on the hospital bed,  making her feel stupid for all the dumb stuff she’s doing. Hard. Fucking. Core. Alice is her usual self, refusing the offer but Coach knows she’ll cave in which she obviously does. I’ll admit, this actually succeeded in humanizing her a little bit.

Alice confesses that she dumped Jake when Lewis starts his story about how he became a Hellcat. Well, he was getting his ass kicked by his teammates because he wouldn’t take the money the school was floating him behind the scenes. Jake warns him that the team doesn’t trust him so Alice persuades him to join the Hellcats so he can still get a scholarship. Sidenote: Lewis and Alice might just belong together.

Marti wants to know why Alice dumped Jake and Alice lets her know that she chose Marti because she’s a Hellcat and she’s loyal. They should totally be called the Helldogs right? Am I right? Cats aren’t fucking loyal, they are bitches.

Jake’s going psycho going through Marti’s things while she and everyone else are at the party. Um, is Alice helping him out or something? I don’t know if I want her to be evil or good anymore. Damn you writers!

Now it’s Savy’s turn to share how she became a Cat. In a most surprising turn of events, we find out that Savy was not alone when she wanted to transfer to Lancer. Little sis Charlotte was there too but chickened out at the last minute and then went on to get knocked up. What a story for that kid one day. Anyway, the sisters had a plan to bleach their hair blonde and go under fake names at the Hellcats auditions. Why go through all that trouble? Well, mommy and daddy won’t pay for Lancer so they need scholarships, but the Hellcats would recognize them if they didn’t bleach their hair. Make sense? I didn’t really follow it, but whatever, it worked!

“Sharpay, girl that haircut is cuuute!”

Jake’s getting extra scared because he couldn’t find the DVD and he thinks Marti is going to give it to the cops. Marsh and Overton decide to send a message. My first thought was, “oh no, not Mama!” but apparently that’s too easy or something. Instead it looks like they’re going for the inside job Travis beat down road. Nice.

Coach needs some screen time and we need to know how she became Coach, so get on up here little lady it’s your turn! At age 27, Coach was a singing telegram girl. Yeah, that’s basically a singing stripper that doesn’t strip. While at a gig, one of her more successful friends and former squad member sees her and ends up inspiring her to follow her dreams and stop non-stripping for old men. Coach really loves cheerleading and there was an opening for the coaching position and the rest is history! Also…

Loud makeup + Long extensions = Younger

Time for Travis’ beat down! It happens like it usually does, Travis is all alone and the present cops all kind of just exit and then two goons show up, grab some bats and go to fucking work on homeboy. It’s pretty brutal and I forgot for a second that I signed up for a show about half naked girls being tossed around by hot guys with big arms.

The final part of Marti’s initiation is actually the only part besides the kidnapping that seems like an actual initiation. Basically, she has to fall from the highest point in the Hellcats gym into pure darkness and hope her fellow cheer boys and girls catch her. It’s a pretty intense scene, but she does it and it unites them all as one! By the way, all this is making it really hard for Marti to make the decision to hand over the DVD to the feds and ruin everyone’s lives in the process.

After all this is done, Marti gets a call from the prison and yells at Savy to give her a ride. When they get there, they see Travis and he is really messed up. But not too messed up because he straight up fires Marti. That’s whatchu call cut-throat.

Seeing all this go down, Savy wants answers and Marti ends up telling her everything. So they go back to Cheertown and proceed to tell everyone what’s going down. Dunno how wise that is, but whatever. As a team or squad, they decide that Marti should hand over the DVD and free Travis. They make this official with a huddle. Yup, a huddle. Cheerleaders, what are you gonna do with ‘em?