Hellcats: So Happy They Could Cheer

We start out at one of those impossibly excitable cheerleading events with an impossibly enthusiastic crowd that you only see in the movies. These people act like they’re at the Super Bowl or something. Marti looks on more confused than I am wondering what she has gotten herself into. I’m gonna start calling her Dushku in a second. If she draws on a fake tattoo I’m done. Coach decides to give the guys and gals one of those incredibly cheesy pep talks complete with dramatic angles, determined faces and a metaphor to bring it all home.

No one is this excited about cheerleading.

So the Rancho Carne Torros had the East Compton Clovers as their main adversaries, and the Hellcats have the Memphis Christian Cyclones. No these aren’t ghetto-fabulous-in your-face bitches because that would be plagiarism or something. They are instead, a group of tightly wound Christian kids, which is the next best thing. “Jesus is the wind beneath their skirts” is probably the lamest and most unintentionally creepy things I’ve ever heard by the way. Turns out that tightly wound Savannah used to attend the University so she stops by to wish them good luck. The head cheerbitch doesn’t believe in luck, probably because it reminds her of Lucifer and she shuts Savannah down in a way that only a judgmental Southern Christian can.

Well, you might not believe in luck sweetie, but I don’t believe in bad ribbons.

Marti still has to make time for creepy Dan. She almost persuades him to come meet and hang with the squad when she is called over the loud speakers to go to security. I thought they only did that in Wal*Mart? Whatever. It seems that Marti’s mom is trying to get backstage for some reason and is already causing Marti to lose her shit and freak out. Marti tries to get her mom to leave and Dan and Savannah meet and we can already tell that something is going to happen between these two.

Anyone else getting serious Miss Piggy vibes?

Lewis goes after Alice for putting the entire team and their scholarships at risk by inviting Marti’s mom. I was wondering why homegirl didn’t care that if she costs her team the victory she’d lose her scholarship. Well it turns out she is a trust fund baby and daddy would pay for her tuition if she lost all that free money. Even more reason to hate this character, bravo CW. The Memphis Christian Cyborgs are doing another one of those impossibly enthusiastic and flawless routines you only see in the movies. The head cheerbitch even glares at Savannah before being launched into the air. Apparently she made God mad because she is dropped and falls on her head. So much for good luck.

All apart of God’s plan?

Savannah is way too concerned for her bitchy ex-squad member and she even wants to go to the hospital with her. Marti is like, “what?” and Coach lets us know that the girl is actually Savannah’s sister. SWERVE! That’s another point for the CW because that actually did surprise me. Marti is like, “whoa” and I remember a horrible song she did with her kid sister about rollercoaster rides being like, whoa. Oh Disney channel, how I miss you.

Remember this?

At the hospital, Coach continues to try and scare Marti into being cheertastic perfection. I think everyone gets it, if you guys don’t place then you’re getting cut. Everyone with me? K good. The healthy members from the Christian Cyborgs are all giving Marti and Savannah evil glares like they pushed her. No ladies, that would be God. Haven’t you heard, he don’t like ugly. BAM! Sav’s sisters name is Charlotte and I hate that name so that means I’m going to hate this character. Sav tells her that this accident brought them together or something along those lines, point is homegirl is looking at the glass half full since she doesn’t have a neck brace on. Her evil sis lets her know that this isn’t about her. It’s about God’s plan or something like I’m almost sure of it.

Marti’s alarm clock goes off at 6 AM the next day and it makes me cringe. That is seriously the worst noise accompanied by the worst feeling in the world. Another thing that makes me cringe is how impossibly fresh looking Marti is when she wakes up. That shit doesn’t happen to real people. There’s no crust in her eyes, her hair is perfectly curled and her skin is flawless. Bitch. She showers and then freaks out when the clock says 6:45 and it made me wonder, is there a such thing as a 7 AM class? That’s some fucked up shit for real. The CWS also takes this time for another hot body showcase from our heroine and I must say, as a gay man even I wouldn’t mind an Aly Michalka hot body showcase every week. Marti dashes off to class and for some reason still feels the need to wear her rebellious looking biker gloves. I think my hate for Alice would subside if she burned all of Marti’s gloves.

No one wakes up looking like this. No one.

I guess 7 AM classes are a thing of fiction because Marti is freaking out about making it to cheer practice. She makes it, but is late for a law class. She walks in looking all sweaty and wearing a cut off AC/DC t-shirt, looking like a complete poser. I don’t actually know what a poser is anymore, but I assume its someone who wears 80s band t-shirts. I could be wrong, but whatever. What? AC/DC was formed in the 70s? My bad.

It’s time for more of that obligatory Dan time for Marti. I wonder if this guy has a job or if he just wanders around town being creepy. They chat about Marti’s mama drama and they drop the phrase “manifest destiny”. Not gonna lie, I had to look that up and it’s some history bull that I have no interest in. Dan makes a pig metaphor about Marti and her mom and apparently metaphors about swine get M’s panties wet. Inneresting to say the least…btdub, the CW loses a point for having more commercials than mtv.com.

At Cheertown, Marti is beside herself when she learns her mama has stopped by for dinner. I wish my mom would bring me some ribs so I didn’t have to spend money at McDonalds all the time. Count your blessings M. Anywho, during dinner mama is getting toasted and I realize how annoying drunk/tipsy people are when you are sober. The only solution is to drink too, then you don’t notice. Marti can’t really take any wine to the head because she has to focus and what not, so she tries to get her mom of out of Cheertown and back home. The CW gets that point back too, because they not only made a Justin Timberlake reference, they made a “Rock Your Body” one too. Hell fucking yeah. It seems there was a padlock on mama’s door when she got back from work, which means she was evicted I guess. Do people actually do that, put padlocks on doors? Seems like a bit much.  Mama also ruined the landlord’s car with paint so Marti tells her that she has to fix that with him the next day or she can sleep in a motel. Damn, homegirl isn’t playing around tonight.

We have to make some time for Coach and her storyline, so we see her and her hunky doctor arm candy at a bar and of course her ex shows up. Doctor Hottie wants to introduce himself and get in with the new head coach. In an awkward moment, Coach pretends like she has never met her ex before and we learn that she was a Hellcat when she was screwing said ex. So that means she was a student and he was on the faculty? Well this just got a little more interesting. Well not really, but they are trying.

Savannah goes to the hospital to visit her evil Christian sister and even brings her a teddy bear. It has a bandage on its head and I feel like that’s a little stab at the sis. That could be wishful thinking though. Sav’s mom stops her before she gets to her sister’s room and invites her to a prayer circle Saturday. Really? The girl bumped her head and she can still talk, walk and breathe, is a prayer circle really necessary? Of course the circle of crazy is at the same time the Hellcats have to compete, so now Savannah must choose which is more important. Sav says it’s just a prayer and tries to get her mom to change the time. That is not something you say to a crazy Christian, they’ll rip your head off and then pray for forgiveness later.

Tragic.

The next day Coach is talking to her man about what they are going to have for dinner when she finds flowers on her desk. Who do you think they’re from? If you said her doctor boyfriend then you fail at life. Of course it was her ex, so she trashes the roses after freaking out a little bit. And this may be a random question, but wtf are buckwheat noodles? We get our first real look at Marti as a flyer and she is sucking big time. She falls over and over again and Kirsten Dunst, I mean Savannah, is telling her to get it together. She is failing at being a cheerleader because her mom is in her head and Marti departs early to go help her talk to the landlord. She gets some kind of cash advance to buy him off and get mama in the clear. I’m glad I don’t know how to get a cash advance because I’m sure I’d be fucked for life. Afterwards, mama tries to get an invite to the redo for the qualifiers but Marti lies to her and says they weren’t able to get it. I would’ve lied to her too, she is annoying as hell.

Back at the dorm, Sav is letting her mom down the easy way and choosing the squad. I’m sure they’ll spin it as her turning her back on God or something. S and M decide to share their sad family tales and we get a heartfelt story from Sav about how she left Memphis Christian and it was her family’s legacy school. She tells Marts that she should be thankful her mom at least cares because the alternative is worse. I don’t have anything mean to say because this was a pretty good scene and I approve of the friendship these two are forming.

It’s time for the qualifiers redo and we get that dramatic team walk to the competition with Coach and Marti leading the pack, exchanging smiles along the way. I hate this, it’s so cheesy and its incredibly lame that Marti is leading the way like she’s captain or something. Get to the back! Hehe. While the girls are warming up, the football team shows up to cheer on their cheerleaders. Its cute, but we all know it’s a way to get the ex into the picture and make him look like a good guy to Coach and she falls for it. Women are silly.

Looking out at the crowd, Marti notices some blonde curls that are all too familiar to her. Mama has crashed the party. How’d she find out? She is friends on Facebook with half the squad of course. Parents should not be allowed on Facebook for this reason alone. I know I blocked my mom when she popped up on “People you may know”. Marti starts to tell her mom to go, but she then changes her tune and asks her to stay. This is the first time mama didn’t annoy me, it was cute to see her say how much she really cared about Marti even though I’m sure she’ll mess up again sooner or later. Probably sooner.

The Hellcats take to the stage and 3OH3 and Kesha starts playing and I’m all about trashy autotuned pop stars. Of course the routine is flawless, not one Cat or hair is out of place and the crowd is going absolutely nuts. They advance to the next round and all go out for drinks and dancing. Creepy Dan is there and he sets his sights on Savannah. He finds her complicated vernacular charming and asks her out on a date. She writes her number on his arm like its 1999 and they’re in high school. It’s a pretty cute moment. We leave our Hellcats dirty dancing with smiles in their eyes cause they’re having a good time.