Hell’s Kitchen: 9021-Oh, no she didn’t.

Back into the inferno of Hell’s Kitchen for another 2 hour block filled with more creative cursing than creative cuisine. Last week Fox ended the two hour block with Camp Chef UgLouis being sent back to Camp Anawanna-nother career.

That leaves the men with Boris for another round of service. They return to the dorms where Jumpstreet turns to Boris and lays it on the line. “You acknowledged yourself as the best chef here, I expect you to pull up the reigns at the next dinner service and run the show.”

With mixed metaphors, a lot of other Dubya-like speeches.

Boris agrees, it’s time to step it up, “if you guys are willing to be led, then I am willing to f$@#ing lead.” Boris tells his team. The men seem to have accepted the Bulldog back into the fold, but the women feel screwed, doggie-style.

The four women, Gail, ApplesauceChef, NoNeck and Big Mel all bemoan Sabrina’s continued presence. “I can’t believe she’s still here,” groans BigMel. “He knows she’s f$#&ing worthless,” sputters Gail. BigMel tells the camera, “she has a horrible attitude, she needs to f$*&ing go.”

Go. Run. Hide.

On the other side of the room NaughtyChef and Betty Brows are discussing the other women on the team, “Do you honestly see one of those fat bitches at LA Market?” Sabrina asks Jillian. Betty Brows giggles in agreement. Sabrina continues her rant in confessional. “I’ve been up for elimination four times,” (out of four, since we’re only in episode five) “Ok. We‘ll see who will be here until the end. Not one of you will be here until the end,” Naughty promises.

I make it look fierce.

A new day begins in Hell’s Kitchen and Ramsay meets his 11 chefs in the dining room to tell them about their next challenge. Hell’s Kitchen will be hosting a prom. Nervous giggles erupt from both teams. I suspect either they are uncomfortable with their own memories of prom, or petrified they’ll have to find a date.

At least for Betty Brows, it’s the former… Jillian admits that she never made it to prom, she was too wasted. That may have been the first time she woke up without eyebrows. And her face glued to the carpet.

Ramsay adds that it is Beverly Hills’ high school prom. NoNeck is excited because she’s expecting Dylan and Brenda to enter the dining room. Instead of 90’s has-beens, they get a teleconference with the future has-beens of the actual BHH  prom committee — the future stars of The Hills and Ashton Kutcher’s sex tapes.

The monitor drops in to the dining room and lights up revealing the faces of three teenagers. Serious Student, Party Girl and Gay Best Friend. Ramsay encourages the chefs to ask questions and get a sense of what these kids are expecting for their menu.

Hello Charlie!

BTW… is that not the least convincing fake hallway you’ve ever seen? Why did they bother moving some banners an fake lockers into the HK green room? Why didn’t they just stick them in front of a green screen and throw up some old 90210/Saved by the Bell scenes in the background?

Holy Hell.

Ramsay asks them to describe what they’re looking for. Party Girl speaks up first. Since Old Hollywood is their theme…

But what will Hollywood High School do for a theme? 90210. Brilliant.

…they want something elegant.

Ramsay encourages the chefs to ask questions to get a sense of what the teens want. Serious Student responds to Boris’s question, “What is your favorite type of cuisine?”

Serious Student “personally, loves fusion food.” That leads to the trio naming a bunch of seafood: clams, mussels…

Jillian is surprised, “when I was 18 I  just liked to eat cheeseburgers and hotdogs.”  Shocker. I bet all she drank was 40oz of Natty Light and Peach Schnapps she stole from her mother’s purse. This woman is such a difficult read.

Sabrina asks if they like pasta. The two girls look at each other like they were asked if they use drugstore make-up, or if they wear clothing from JC Penney’s. Serious Student breaks the news to Sabrina that they don’t want mac’n’cheese on the menu. “Nothing that’s going to sit in our stomachs, and make us bloated in our dresses.”

BigMel chimes in and says, “so you guys what something light, but filling.” Agreed. Ramsay tasks the teams with creating one appetizer and two entrees for the menu. It’s a team challenge, they have 30 minutes.

The men enter the kitchen and Boris waits until all the men are assembled to begin leading his team. “Guys…” he gets out, no doubt poised to lead his team to victory with an inspired menu of cutting edge seafood fusion plates.

Mission Accomplished

But all his teammates are already talking amongst themselves and Boris isn’t even able to get out one adjective about the plate he has in mind before the rest of Team Blue finalizes the menu.

Boris looks on, but is unable to jump into the conversation.

The women are working together really well, they’re all agreeing on the plates. No one pipes up to veto even the horrible ideas like Nona’s rib eye with tuna ceviche… blech… that she wants to do for one of the entrees.

Sabrina can’t stand her team, but she really can’t stand her team when they lose, so she is confident they’ll be able to pull themselves together for the win.

On the blue side, Boris is running around the kitchen asking to assist the chefs that are taking the lead on each of the three plates. Blob comments that Boris is a “complete blockhead that requires constant babysitting.” Or he was just volunteering to help.

Even “I’m on your side” Trev cold-shoulders Boris, even though last week it was Pointdexter that was out faster than a fat kid in dodge ball. How quickly they forget.

As time winds down, both teams are confident. Ramsay calls time and the teams line up. Ramsay asks if they are confident. Boris doesn’t give a rousing “YES!” so Gordo hones in on him. Boris says that he supports his team, but his signature is not on any of the dishes. Russell, the Albino Vampire, takes it upon himself to become a character and warrant a demeaning nickname… he has a shit fit about Boris’s subterfuge and calls our Bull a worm.

I feast on the blood of the spineless.

Trev squashes the argument as Ramsay stands before his professional progeny, aghast at their outbursts. Ramsay moves on to announce that the prom committee will be the judges for this challenge. THEY WERE in the BUILDING? No way.

Jumpstreet and NaughtyChef bring up their appetizers and Sabrina presents first. They’ve made a crab cake with sautéed shrimp as garnish. The plate is well received, all three teens like the crab cake. Jumpstreet presents the seared tuna and only Party Girl likes it. Serious Student tells Jumpstreet that she eats a lot of sushi so she knows this tuna sucks, it’s burnt.

The kid likes the fish taste… Huh.

Jumpstreet handles the criticism well and calls them all idiots — all of BHH is idiots, all teenagers are idiots… whoever gave you that haircut is a professional idiot. But check out the idiot that paid for it. Like whoa.

The teenagers give the point to the ladies and Jumpstreet stomps back into line, scuttles up onto his step stool and call them all idiots again.

The next course is the first entrée and NoNeck presents the rib eye with tuna ceviche. Ramsay is a little puzzled when he hears the explanation, but the prom committee needs no discouragement, they’re not big fans of the dish. Fortunately for the women, Chef Blob has cooked the living shit out of his “gorgeous, fragrant halibut” and the point still goes to the women.

Just for shits and giggles, the men and woman bring up their second entrées, although the women have already won. ApplesauceChef presents vegetable wontons that the prom committee loves, even more than Trev’s pan seared rib eye — and women have clinched the first shutout in Hell’s Kitchen.

No shit?

The prom committee is dismissed as the women receive the news of their reward. They’ll be headed out for a day at the amusement park as the men are left in the dining room to decorate and prep.

James has the men moving tables and folding linens. Blob is not thrilled, but he says, “look at me, I have a beautiful smile and I’m going to make the best of it.” He grabs a table linen and circles the dance floor. James is less concerned for Blob’s masculinity than he is for his table linens and he tells Blob not to crease them.

Man has to have priorities.

The ladies are at the amusement park, screaming their simple minds out on the rides. The women are enjoying themselves as the men receive their orders from the prom committee. The banners have to go up and the men are not taking direction well. Russell, for some reason, is the most threatened by the exercises in banquet décor and is snotty to the teens. When perched on the upper balcony of Hell’s Kitchen, the committee asks Russell to make the banner look like one they had previously hung. Russell responds with “Exactly, home girl needs to figure it out.”

The teens look more confused than if he tried to convince them to ditch the DJ in favor of Garth Brooks  on an walkman, and Russell clomps away.

S.E.R.I.OUS.

Back at the amusement park, the ladies are having an old western photo taken. Six large women in one-size fits all corsets is not a photo I’m willing to share, or save to my computer, but Jillian’s assessment is that they’re boob-alicious. I would say boob-a-monstrosity, or boob-a-treacherous, you get the idea. It looks more like their boobs are poised to attack than allure.

Betty Brows is looking to exercise all the knowledge she acquired about carnies during her trapeze training and she hits the game circuit. First up she pitches some baseballs at “Break-a-Plate’ and nearly brings the stand down. She walks away from the game with an oversized, stuffed monkey and probably the promise of a date when she’s done filming. The ladies are all giggles as they name the new blue monkey “Boris” and continue on with their day.

The men are less jovial as they attempt to piece together centerpieces for the tables. Serious Student tries to cut the tension and says “this team work is exactly what helps in the kitchen, right?”

At that Russell blows up like a Vietnam Vet with Post Traumatic Stress. “Don’t talk about the kitchen, because you guys don’t know shit about the kitchen.”

You haven’t seen what I’ve seen!

“How about you don’t give us attitude?” says Party Girl.

“I’m not doing this for my 15 minutes of fame. I’m doing this for a f&^%ing career.”

“Watch your language,” says Serious Student.

“I’m a grown ass man,” retorts Russell.

Adding “ass” as a modifier is always a sure sign of seniority. I’ve been doing this for a long-ass time.

Finally Maître’d James steps in and reminds Count Blondula that these teens are clients and guests in Hell’s Kitchen and he needs to show some respect.

Trev steps in to moderate and asked the committee to go through him. “These guys are just frustrated,” he says as he apologizes to the teens.

“Someone has to be the adult,” Trev tells the camera. “Thank you for being nice,” Party Girl says as the committee departs.

You don’t wanna make out a little bit?

Jumpstreet is so annoyed after taking orders from the teens that he “hopes the girls spill something on their dresses tomorrow.”

The girls are hooting as they return to the kitchen with the prizes they’ve racked up.

So what if they don’t win Hell’s Kitchen, those balloons are bank.

Chef Blob says that he doesn’t know what the girls are doing to keep beating them, “but as of tomorrow night, we’re gonna put a shellacking on you and resume being men.”  Men can’t be men without another gender to dominate.

The men finish their decorating and head back upstairs.

The next day everyone is back in the kitchen making preparations. Sabrina is just doing it at ½ the speed.  NoNeck is fed up with her. Sabrina stares at the cooler, leans on the table and announces she’s going to the bathroom. Add in a coffee run and that’s my 3pm-5pm office schedule.

Ramsay reminds the two kitchens that prom is a once in a lifetime experience and he wants them running like a machine… obviously an American made machine was a foolish mistake on Ramsay behalf. Look into Japanese products for the next show.

The menu has been updated with Team Red’s vegetarian pot stickers and crab cakes — and the blue team’s halibut. Jumpstreet and NoNeck will assist in plating. ApplesauceChef is up to the pass first with the first undercooked plate of the night. The crab cakes are cold and soggy.

Jillian is at the salad station whining in her little boy cartoon voice that her 6-year-old could do this.

Your six year old probably needs his sentences sensored too…

Gail supervises Applesauce, and they’re able to successfully get out a couple crab cakes in the next attempt.

In the blue kitchen, Boris has 10 crab cakes in the pan, way ahead of the orders coming in. Ramsay doesn’t appreciate the McDonald’s approach to cuisine, as we’ve seen a couple times this season already, so Bull is in trouble.

Count Blondula says, “like dude, learn to count.” His advice is being taken very literally on the red side where BigMel has counted up all of the filets that will be going out for the evening, slopped them on a tray and threw them in the oven. Ramsay catches Melissa taking 23 filets out of the oven before appetizers are even complete.

Bad idea.

“Why the hell would you do that? I wouldn’t even do that,” Sabrina comments.

Ha.

It’s only 30 minutes into the prom and all the steak have been cooked.

Overcooked.

BigMel admits that “sometimes I just go stupid.” Ramsay sometimes just goes ballistic. Like now. Miraculously, BigMel is allowed to stay in the kitchen and tries to rebound.

Appetizer service resumes and on Blue and Boris is bringing up cold crab cakes. Boris apologizes and sweats into the pan and attempts to regroup.

Sabrina is making an effort in the red kitchen and has successfully sent out all the appetizers. She gets her first complement from Ramsay.

Blue is waiting on halibut which is, of course, Boris’s station. All the men stare and yell at Bull who tells them to wait one minute. When he does get the fish up to the pass, it’s acceptable and Boris sweats a river of relief.

The prom committee is seated on the red side of the dining room and they stop James to ask about the status of their entrees. In fact, their entrees are in the hands of a kitchen that is producing a purple putty as garnish.

Bagel with a smear?

Ramsay holds up two plates that have been smeared with the lavender snot. Apparently it’s Gail’s responsibility, she’s on garnish tonight. So the answer to “who’s responsible” is answered…

…”what it’s supposed to be?” is not.

Sabrina’s interview is laced in next to sum up the situation. “These bitches can’t do anything. I can’t do it all by myself.” Brilliant.

Well, the first place Sabrina should lend her mad skills is to Emily at the fish station, as Applesauce has to start over on the halibut –  she’s sending Ramsay raw fish.

Russell is screaming at his team in the blue kitchen, as he’s running the meat station and trying to run the whole kitchen. Ramsay is happy to hear a voice in the kitchen, even with the terrible Transylvanian accent of Count Blondula.

Women have entrees coming out, but no thanks to BigMel. It appears that she’s slicing undercooked filets and then sticking them in the oven.

(noun)

As Ramsay’s ready to launch into a full frontal chef-shame, when NoNeck chimes in with something to say. She gets out about two words before she realizes she talking over Chef Ramsay and immediately clams up and apologizes, but the damage has been done. NoNeck knows she’s about to catch the full force of his wrath.

Brace yourself for the shit storm.

Ramsay stops mid-rant and turns to NoNeck. “You explain,” he tells her. He drags her in front of Team Red and with the disgust of a Red Sox fan discussing the Yankees, and tells NoNeck, “you explain to the brigade.”

NoNeck is mortified and stands there speechless until Ramsay walks away.

With that last humiliation, Red is able to complete service. The prom-goers are happy with their meals and BHH finishes their prom. ApplesauceChef thinks it’s a nice change of pace to see people have fun in the dining room.

At elimination Ramsay says the women were in the lead at appetizers, but then they deflated. The men win. Sabrina is the best of the worst. She gets to nominate two women. NoNeck stands there shaking her head as Ramsay tasks Sabrina with picking out the nominees.

Ramsay wants to know why NoNeck is upset, and she says she doesn’t think NaughtyChef was the best. Top of her class from super-villain school maybe…

The women head back upstairs and Sabrina, looking more relaxed than she has all series long, asks the team for their input. She knows she’s throwing Emily and BigMel in, but she want to hear them say they suck.

After a one-sided discussion with the red team, Sabrina slides over to Count Blondula who is waiting on the couch to hear the preview of the elimination ceremony. In a bit of over-used short-sighted cunning, Blondula wants Sabrina to nominate Gail and BigMel, because Applesauce will sink herself eventually. Maybe Sabrina could get rid of Gail.

What would Cruella do?

That’s genius if you’ve never seen this show before, or if you had not actually been present for all the eliminations thus far. Ramsay goes off script every goddamn time. You think your coffin-rotted half-wit plan will work? Roll with it.

Once the two teams are assembled in front of Ramsay, Sabrina rolls out her original plan and nominates Applesauce and BigMel. Ramsay mulls it over before declaring, “Nona!”

No? No. No? Of course not.

“Who should go?” he asks NoNeck. “Emily, Chef.” She responds after her initial surprise wears off. Ramsay agrees and Applesauce is sent back to Shady Pines.

Don’t attempt to make s ‘mores on the hotplate, Applesauce.

That’s it for the first hour of the week, Episode 6 is coming at’cha faster than Ramsay can hurl halibut.